Lingering

What I have been struggling most is the lingering of the change.  I have so much still at Micah's to go through and either get rid of or try to squeeze into where I live now.  The other day I went over in the neighborhood to drop Sara off at her friend's house.  Micah was unloading groceries.  Of course I parked and went to say "hello" and followed him into the house.  I decided that I needed to have one of my pictures off of the wall in the bathroom that my mom had given me, butterflies :)  Micah had taken it down the other day for me and put it where I could reach it.  I wasn't there very long but in that time I noticed that Dillon was out on the balcony smoking pot with his girlfriend, Micah going to start dinner and shared with me again about the changes he wants to make in the dining area with a certain kind of table.  He didn't have much to say about what he has been up to other than work, eat, watch movies, sleep and start all over again.  Its crazy he wants to make all these changes in the house.....making it more lonely I guess.  But those are his choices now and its sad that not much has changed since I left.

I took my picture and left.  By the time I got home I felt a little bitter and sad, the lingering of it all is frustrating me I think.  My heart sank for a bit but then I soon pushed through and decided that this would be the weekend.  The weekend that I have a little extra time with it being 4th of July that I would go spend my time over at Micah's going through things.  Go through things that I'm keeping and setting it aside so that I can see how much it will be and then ask for some help from some friends to load it and bring it over to my apartment.  I can't do it all by myself, the girls don't know it yet but they are going to come and help to.  If I find myself alone at some point going through things and Micah is home I plan on plugging my ears with music and staying focus only looking at the pile of things I need to go through.  I have to get things to a point where I don't have things over there to have to go get someday.....lingering!

I think I have waited for a couple of reasons, the chore of doing it is not fun, taking and making the time, its easier to find an excuse not do it and then a lingering hint of hope that I was trying to hold on to, that deep down I was searching to find.  Its just not there.  I have decided to work at letting it go and know that things are really over.  Its hard to give up on hope but in this case I think it will be alright to do so.  I know that what Micah and I had wasn't a marriage as it should be, I'm not sure what it was, maybe just an arrangement of companionship and connivence of comfort but whatever it was its over and I'm pushing on.

Change has its ups and downs of emotions.  

Settling in

Enchilada for one

the mess is finally getting organized some

sometimes I can just a bag of popcorn for dinner

The "ugly couch" is gone lol couch covers are great.  I'm loving my new rug too :)

Silly Sara soon discovered this to be a bad idea....but she didn't hurt too badly.

Day Trip to Phoenix

Road trip with my girls!

Cutlery Dropout Restaurant

yummy brunch!

Finally the baby!

meeting the baby

Angelia!  Friends :)

A beautiful Sunset to end the day.

My View

I have a new view to look at when I wake up in the mornings.  This morning is pretty.  The picture with my phone doesn't do it justice but it lets you know that the sun was coming up and looked pretty in the background of the big tree out my window.  I can't help but start to look forward to the next change in weather to view this with fall and snow on the ground.

All this has been such a process for me to deal with.  I can't help but think of how silly it may seem to others about me thinking of it like that or thinking about the little things that have changed around me but I do.  It's more of the settling in to my new way of life.  A life without a husband.  A life of leaning on my Heavenly Father more than ever.

As the girls and I settle into our new home and learn to live the apartment life the more things come into focus of the big picture.  The process continues but I have drifted back on the upside of things and out of my funk for now.  I do have the next step sitting in a little stack of papers to fill out and begin the next step in this process of life.

Not so sure how to work myself up to that point but in time it will happen and I will be ready for the next step and the next.  I'm focusing on each new day.  One day at a time right now and that brings me comfort and peace and strength to move on.

Rambling thoughts

Lately in some of my emailed daily devotionals the topic has been marriage.  Its one topic that I really don't like to think about much less read about what a marriage is suppose to be and how you are suppose to forgive and accept others faults and all.  As I read some of them I can't help but think that what I had this second time around was true what a couple of my closet friends have said.....that you can't really say it was a marriage Katrina.  I try to find comfort in that but.....

It was suppose to be a marriage.  I viewed it as one and tried to treat it that way.  I loved him with acceptance, forgiveness and all that.  But yet there was always something missing the whole last 7 years.

There was this one emailed devotional that I read about how the different areas of a marriage are suppose to happen and are very important in the whole entire relationship.....sadly it mentioned the physical part of two becoming one and the closeness and the bonds that are made that can carry out into the relationship.

There was so much missing!  It bothers me that I will have two divorces behind me when all is said and done....but I'm finding myself trying to convince myself that it wasn't much of one so that I can feel better about it.  I know that I wasn't perfect the whole time and I had moments that I failed, sinned and were wrong in but it hurts that things have ended up as they are.....I sit in an apartment not far from where we lived together, where he sits upstairs in his room on his bed watching his T.V. and movies and legally we are still married.

But no matter what it was and wasn't and how it should have been it was a time that we made some what of a commitment to one another and were faithful to and lived as a couple trying to raise our combined family together for the last 7 years .  It was something!  It was something on some level......how to get past that is where I still struggle.

Sure I can feel "free" and excited about a new adventure and learn to make the most of the changes and keep moving forward but at this point there will always be a part of what was and what wasn't.

I don't know where I'm going with all this, I'm tired and I'm rambling and just tossing around the things that have been in my head at moments of silence.

I should go study....
Yep I'm going to go study right now for a little while.  I'm feeling guilty now after a couple of friends just came over for a bit....Okay Lord thank you I hear you loud and clear :)
The Lord will always find ways to work in our lives and use others to do so to through Him.  So thankful

I didn't realize the funk that I have slowly crept into until after my friends left.  I'm looking up now

On the Random side of Sunny!

 Over the last few weeks there have been changes but in the mix of it all there are is always a side that is random and sunny!  Random with laughter, smiles, silliness, and accomplishments!  So here is a brief quick random insight to a few things over these last few weeks.

We got the keys to our apartment on June 9th.  I was excited, I went to get the keys on my lunch hour and just had to eat lunch in my empty apartment on the stair case!  Silly me....

See there I am in my empty apartment.....

This little saying is so true.....

This is what Kyle wore to his first job interview!  I'm so proud of him.  His first job is at Subway!

Karlee and I had made a quick visit to my Uncle's in Whittman after she graduated. It was a fun little road trip.  We enjoyed each other's company.  We enjoyed the hot heat with Starbucks and some shopping at the mall!

Now here is where you find the silliness......Sara and her friend Brianna.....the human s'more! 

I want color in my living room and I want to get away from a lot of red.  I like red but red is what Micah and I did in the house together.  But as you can see I still ended up with some red.

Found some time to relax after a day of moving, sitting out on my little patio.

This little saying is perfect to end this post.

Sunday/Father's Day

Today started out alright.  I took Sara to go clean at the office.  Then we came home for a little bit before I headed over to the Milton's to clean their apartment.  It was about mid morning, maybe around 10:30 or so.  I sat down at my table looking at the time trying to decide when I would call Larry to wish him a Happy Father's Day.  Larry is my step-dad and I love him and care about him. He has done a lot for myself and my kids.  He loves my mother and has made her happy for a several years now.  But I had a moment when I found it hard to call him, not because I didn't want to....just found it a little hard.  I picked up my phone and gave him a call.  He sounded happy that I did and we chatted for a few minutes about what he was up to and the weather, then I talked to my mom for a little bit.  I was happy that I called him, he sounded like he liked me calling him and that made me happy.

I couldn't help it not long after I sat there and I couldn't hold back, I did two things.  The first one was I texted Micah and told him that I was having a hard time.  He figured I would and said he was sorry. The second was that I let a few tears come forward.  I wiped my eyes, blew my nose and took a deep breath and called up stairs to Sara to let her know that I was going to go over and clean at the Miltons.

I got in my car and lost it.  I couldn't hold back.  I started to cry.  I put a song on to listen to loudly as I drove over to the house.  I needed to have a good cry and that is what I did.  I maintained safely so I could drive.  I played a song by Alabama, called "No Bad Days"  Its a song that brings comfort to me when I think of my dad.  I'm not sure why.  Its not a song we listened to or anything together.
No Bad Days daddy.....

I will look up the lyrics and post them soon.

After I cleaned, I came home and took a shower and got dressed for the day.  Sara and I went to Safeway to get a few things I needed so I could make a pasta salad to take out to Scott's for dinner tonight.  He was cooking and the kids were going to go spend time with him, being Father's Day and all.  He asked me to join them and so I said I would.

The rest of the afternoon and evening I was a little sad but you  wouldn't know it to look at me.  I browsed online on facebook and schemed through all the posts and pictures of other's sharing about their dads and families.

Enjoyed a nice dinner and then the girls and I came home to relax the rest of the evening.

As the day had gone on and I missed my dad and thought of him, I couldn't help but think of everything that has gone on lately.....but I have pushed through and soon I will be calling it a night, with a new day tomorrow.  Thankful for my Lord and Savior who is holding me in his arms right now.  Tomorrow is a new day.

No Bad Days.....

Father's Day

I miss you daddy

I love you.

Daddy use to tell me to keep my chin up and smile...

Changes happens you move forward

Its hard to catch up posting from over these several weeks so this post and future post may be random as I think of things or based on my mood at the time.  Anyways I sit here in my own apartment at my table in my kitchen.  I know its crazy but its crazy and then some for me to think about all this. Technically I'm still married but I signed a 9 month lease to live in an apartment with my two daughters.

I never expected to be living on my own again.  I briefly did when I was divorced from Scott.  The kids and I lived in Fort Davis Tx in a little pink house with wooden floors.  We lived there for about a year before Micah came back into my life and whirled in and moved us to Flagstaff AZ for the adventure we have been on for the last 7 years.

I never lived on my own out of high school either.  I lived at home then from home I was suppose to live with my mom after she divorced my dad but I was there very briefly when I lived with Micah.  Yes I did the live with someone before marriage.....Later when Micah and I broke up back then I found myself again with a chance to be on my own, I was twenty something but I didn't.  I ended up with Scott, the kids father.  We lived together for 2 years before we got married.  We were married almost 10 years, shy just a few days when I filed for divorce.

We were in Albq. NM and from there the kids and I went to my mom's in El Paso and moved in with them then we went to Ft. Davis to give Scott another shot.  A year later that is when I found myself in the little pink house with wooden floors.

When I was in my teens I had wondered what it would be like to live on my own.  Not sure why things turned out the way that have.  But here I am on my own, still awkwardly tethered by an invisible line of "marriage" with an 18 year old and a 13 year old starting a new adventure.

No matter the changes in my life thankfully I have always found ways to move forward.  Looking back I can see it was God even when I may not have seen it at the time.  I do now and I do know now that its all God.  God is the one that moves me forward when changes happen.

It hard to say that you have regrets when as you move forward you move on to new adventures, new lessons, new joys and blessings with a glimmer of the past.....the past to be "from" and to learn from so that you can become what God wants and also move forward closer to Him.

Change has not been easy and it never will be but moving forward without God would be impossible!
I continue to lean on God and ask him to help me take steps daily forward with each new day that He gives to me.

The best thing to know when you are going through changes are to move forward.

Missing Daddy

Today I woke up with a lump in my throat and flash backs of the day daddy died. Some days are better than others and as time has gone on there are more good days than bad but then there are those moment that hit hard.

I miss him.
I hate seeing all the father's day stuff out.
I hate not being able to call him and tell him the good news about his grandson getting his first job I know he would be proud of his "little leaper". He called Kyle his little leaper because he sort of leaped instead of crawled.

I continue to realize that when you lose someone its the process of all the "firsts" that are what is so hard.

I fought a few tears on the way to work.  Once I got there I got busy and stayed busy all day so I managed through the day.

Tomorrow is a new day.  He isn't far from my thoughts and always in my heart.  I love you daddy.

Moving on up!

Moving on up.....that silly song and picture of that family on that comedy show years and years ago about this black family moving on up......can't think of the name but anyways we have our selves an apartment!

We are now going to be on our own! Karlee and I signed the lease yesterday (since she is 18 she had to sign the paperwork too and be on the lease) and we get the keys tomorrow!

Feeling scared and nervous but oddly very excited too!

Sara is excited to come home since she found out there is a pool.
She is also very thankful and relieved that we are not moving into the home with the very sweet family....but that is another story and another post.

A little downward spiral

After Karlee's graduation we had a little downward spiral that brought some sad moments, frustrating times with courage and strength to keep moving forward.

We were going to move into a home with another family and they were going to rent two rooms to us but with the few new items added to my huge over flowing plate we struggled with making the commitment to do so.

After talking with my mom and doing so thinking and praying I made huge decision to step out in faith and start looking for our own place.

Sara has been in El Paso since my mom left, she went back with them to visit and took her good friend Marlee too.

Karlee and I have enjoyed our time together and have spent some time with Kyle too.  I love my son, there are times I miss him so much.  Which brings me to one of things added to my plate is the chance of him coming back to live with me, which would be one of the hard things to do with the idea of moving in with that family.

I've been getting back into routine with the job and studying.  I have got to get licensed soon!

Karlee Graduates

So I thought that after Karlee's graduation and her party and the visit from my mom that life would slow down some.  But as you tell it hasn't and I'm far behind on posting about things that have gone on.  So we will start with this post since it was sort of started already with the pictures but not written.

I'm so proud of her! She did a great job with her speech!

My mom always seems to find some time for a little music and a little dancing.....

We had a good visit.  It all went fast and busy with the graduation and then the party the next day but it a great visit!