Struggle but don't Stress

I wrote this last week before going to work.
Jan. 22, 2019 at 7:45 a.m.

Its windy and cold outside.  The weather channel app on my phone says it will be cold but plenty of sunshine.  Maybe later but for now its cold with whirling wind outside my porch window.  I've been sitting here waiting for it turn 8:00 a.m. so I can make a phone call about Kyle's care payment.

As I've been sitting here I've realized how much of these past couple of years has been full of worry, anxiety and things out of my control.  I've flipped through the pages of this notebook and over the past year I've written down how much money I have at pay day, where else money is coming from and a plan on how to pay for all my bills. Pages full of worry and concern on how to pay my bills and feed my family.  So much anxiety! So much time spent planning, worry and then each time things worked out-bills were paid and food on the table.

Yes I might have a little debt in the process but everything has and is still being taken care of despite the ache, worry, concern, stress, anxiety and fear.  I've been taken care of, provided for and guided.  God has done it!  Its been through Him! How do people really live in this world without leaning on Him?  He has placed the right people, situations, in place in all of it!  There is no other answer! 

I want so badly to let go of all the stress, worry and fear that I put in my life on a daily basis to stop!  To be able to rest and live with peace and comfort.  Its a struggle for me.  Anxiety, fear and worry does nothing but hurt me physically, emotionally and spiritually.  My stomach hurts, my body aches. Lord help me to stop this cycle of hurting myself and sin-I've been told its sin because they say that is when we are not trusting and believing in you, Lord and letting you help.

I do know that I'm trying to release all the negative, hurting emotions and things in my life that I can't control and give them to you.  I struggle.  But in the struggle you are there and I do learn and see things through your eyes that do calm, comfort and bring peace to my heart.

Small Community Group Potluck

Last Tuesday, January 22nd the small group that I had done a study about community with awhile back, decided to meet up to catch up since our last time in December I think or maybe after Thanksgiving but anyways we had a planned a pot luck.

It was so fun to walk into the room and see how festive the table was decorated, making our little potluck feel like a special occasion.

Sheri brought the lovely appetizer, shrimp cocktail

Susan brought very yummy freshly chopped salad loaded with tons of veggies

Linda brought the main course, Frito pie casserole

I brought fresh bread from the store with a herb and garlic spreadable cheese and for the last treat

Sue brought a very scrumptious desert with chocolate, white cream with pistachios in it, it was suppose to be a candy bar type of thing but it ended up being a very yummy "mess" that took spoons to eat it.  It was soooooo good!

We enjoyed the meal, each other's company and good conversation.  It was a nice way to end the day on a Tuesday.

Conversation took us all over the place from trains, cooking, to hanging on to things that mean to us after someone leaves us, new beginnings and family.

I was thankful for the time spent.  I'm not sure when we are planning to get together again but I'm sure it will be soon and I look forward to it.

Beginning of January

January 6th

I really love this picture.  The love the color contrast of the snow on the trees and the surroundings and how cold and frozen like it looks.

January 7th a quick selfie at work.

My Karlee girl far far from home.....

January 9th

January 9th

Karlee enjoying her last day of her adventure.

January 10th-withdrew Sara from Coconino for this semester.

January 11th-enrolled Sara at Primavera Online High School for this semester.

Yes thats right Sara is going to take a break from traditional school and do this semester online with the intention of going back next year for her junior and senior year.  She has a lot going on and well put it short and neat.....a mental and emotional break to heal and regroup.  My Sara girl has been through a lot and she is my child that is a walking stress ball, will anxiety and panic attacks, a little depression and sadness on the side and other things that have come forth from the past and then dealing with being a teenage girl has just become too much.  So we are taking a few steps to get her feeling better, whole again and more her...hopefully back to my cheerful full of life Sara sun shining girl.

January 12th-Picked up my Karlee girl who is finally home, went out to lunch and heard about her amazing trip.  I enjoyed looking at pictures from her trip.  I've encouraged her to get a journal or a scrapbook and write down everything so she can have something to look back at later in life.

Today, this morning at 8:00 a.m., January 13th Sunday.

I woke up to a good morning text from Ben and then a picture of snow out at his place.  He got a lot more snow than we did here in town.  Shortly after laying in bed for a bit texting back and forth, I got up to make some coffee and then opened my front door to see what my snowy morning looked like.

January has been in full swing for a little while now, my brother's birthday was Friday and my mom's was yesterday. My uncle Joe called yesterday, it was nice to hear from him.  It was a short call but I'm happy he called and that he is doing well.  

Before you know it this month will be gone and then onto the next one and the next.....it seems a little overwhelming because of some excitement and changes for me but I'm going to get through it one day at a time.  Sara and I are going to move in with Ben at the end of my lease in March.  I'm excited and happy but the thought of packing up again and getting organized.....oh well it will be fine.  

There will be some adjusting to being a little further out of town but it will work out and be fine.  We have been together for over a year now, we are happy and love each other very much.  Yes, eventually we have talked about marriage but let's just take one step at a time.  :)

I've been wanting to get back into reading.  I used to love to read and I read book after book and all but over the years I haven't taken the time to do so much of it.  I'm not even sure what I want to read, what type of books.  But recently I sat down to think about it and I was inspired with some of the interesting things Ben and I have watched on Netflix about other countries, their weather, their animals, their way of life, that its sparked some interest.  Then the other spark of interest has come from my adventures wanderlust daughter!  She has sparked the idea of adventure and far away places and exploring that I've decided that I want to find books about travel, outdoor beauty, adventure with a little dash of maybe some romance or inspiration.....a good story.  So I'm going to explore online and see what I can find to down load to my kindle and start reading and go on adventure without leaving my home.

January has brought the beginning of some changes and new adventures so far......everyone is doing well and living life so I'm feeling blessed and grateful.  We shall see how this month continues....

New Years Eve/Day

December 31st 2018, last day of 2018 and we got some cold cold weather and snow.

this is outside my window at work.....

My smiley face on the last day of 2018!

Sara bear on the last day of 2018 not feeling good :(

Karlee in London!!!!  Yep thats what I said.  She left on the 31st to visit a friends in England until the 10th of January.

Celebrating New Years Day in London.

Ben, Sara and I spent bringing in the new year relaxing and staying warm.  The weather was not good with the snow and ice so we all stayed home.  Sara wasn't feeling well still so we watched 4 movies to bring in the year.  Right at midnight we all went to bed.  I enjoyed our cozy cuddling time on the couch with two people I love very much.

So I had gotten sick but not as bad as Sara.  I made beef paprika and I hadn't made it in a really long time.  We all use to love it, Ben had never had it so I thought it would be good to make.  Well shortly after eating my stomach was really upset.  It didn't hit Sara until late that night (new years eve).  I think it was the spice, Paprika.  Its the only thing that makes sense and I did some research on it and it seemed to fit.  So no more beef paprika in this house.

Karlee and Natalie.

I don't have a picture of Kyle. (I even asked for one and told him it was for my blog but I didn't get a response)  He spent his new years eve and day in Phoenix with friends at a Rave.  (a giant loud music type festival)

This year was so different with only one of my kids home, one out of town and the other in another country!!!

Its a new year!  Time to live life and make more memories, share laughter and smiles, maybe some tears, some struggles and changes I'm sure will come along but in the end we know we have each other.  We always do our best to make time for family.  I'm truly blessed.

Quick 2018 Recap

The biggest change that happened in 2018 and had been a huge adjustment and still working on it was having two of my children out of the house.  Kyle moved out at the end of August and that left just Sara and I.  

Scenic Views of 2018:
Lake Mary
Buffalo Park
Tonto Bridge
Parks AZ-Hike
A scenic drive to Payson

Outdoor Activities
Celtic Festival
Blues & Brews
4th of July at Continental
The Rodeo

Family Fun
Dinners and Dinner out
Duck Pond
Lights at Little America

New Pets
Hamster-Claire
Fish-Benny Jr. (Rip) and Skippy

Weather mix ups
Snowed in May, October, November mixed up Fall/Winter

Karlee
turned 21
mother daughter tattoos on her birthday

Kyle
turned 18
graduated high school
moved out

Sara
turned 16
did club volleyball

My 2018 was a good year.  Its a been a long time that I can say that.  There wasn't a lot of struggle, or ups and down.  Last year was filled with joy, laughter and fun.  It was a happy year.  I was very blessed and I look forward to the new year. 

Life. Live it Fully

I have not had a chance to really sit down and reflect on 2018 or think much about the new year.  My heart is heavy with sadness for a family that I knew several years ago.  When I was helping out with the MOPs program at the church I used to go to, I helped with planning the kids program and watching and caring for them while their mom's were learning and growing in Christ.  There was this little boy that I cared for and his mom was a fun, sweet loving person who loved her little boy and then she had another little boy, she was a devoted mother.  Her oldest is Kaden and the youngest that I haven't seen since he was just a little baby is Owen.  They eventually left Flagstaff and moved away but with Facebook I've been able to see them from a distance.  We were never really close but I loved seeing what the family was up to.  I'm not sure how old Kaden was, yes I said was......he may have been eight years old, again not sure but very young.

I read on a post on Facebook from another sweet momma that I met also caring for her kids too in that program that Kaden was taken to the hospital, he had stopped breathing.  He was revived and breathing with a help of a ventilator.   Not knowing why or what was wrong things went for a turn in a bad way very very quickly.  As the day progressed, this would be yesterday on New Years day, Kaden passed away, leaving this earth to be with the Lord.  The only thing that was mentioned was that maybe he had the flu.

I do not understand it and I know others do not, especially the mother and her family. This family have holes in their family, lives and hearts.  I'm not going to try to make sense of it or question the Lord but I do ask for comfort, peace and healing for the family, his mom, and all the lives that he had touched in his short time on earth.

And for others like myself who are not as close to this family offer us comfort, peace and guidance on how to live a full god honoring life.  To have peace with our thoughts that I know are bouncing all over my head when I take a moment to be still in silence.  To live a life to the fullest here on this temporary home on earth. To not fear, to trust, to live, to live in your light, in your embrace living the fullest life we can and share your light as we go, not taking life for granted, living and cherishing the moments.  I ask all this in your holy and wonderful name Lord, Amen.