New Discoveries

I'm having one of those moments when I want to write so bad but feel so scattered brained and don't know where to begin.  I guess that means I really don't have much to say.....no I just haven't focused lately.  As I look over the last few weeks I see lots of little things that I think could add up to something but then may just be a passing thought to move on from.  Either way I decided to sit down and think of all the little "discoveries" over the last few weeks.

God continues to show me how there is a time and place for different people to come in and out of my life.  There is always a reason that things don't happen my way.  I'm blessed by his timing and therefore a new relationship has blossomed or old relationships has ended but either way God is in control and all is good.

I have discovered that I"m allergic to cilantro.  I can't touch it or eat it!  So that has sort of turned my world upside some since cilantro can be in so many things especially Mexican food, which I love.  But I've decided not to worry about and just be aware of what is in the food that I eat when I'm away from home.

I'm reminded at how quickly time can go by and all the little moments that happen daily need to be enjoyed and treasured for what they are at the time before they are gone.  I think of this mostly with my kids.  For example Karlee just had her first 7th grade dance last Friday.  She was so excited and couldn't wait to dress up and go hang out with her friends at the dance.  I especially liked that idea that she was going with a group of friends instead of a boy (not ready for that yet).  I couldn't help but think back to my first 7th grade dance and remember how the girls were on one side of the room and the boys on the other side, the music playing loud with no one dancing in the middle of the room.  She said that actually wasn't the case and she danced in a group with her friends and had so much fun. 

She is growing and changing so fast.

My son Kyle is going to be 11 years old next month and I have noticed lately how much he has grown and changed too.  For example he has finally started to let me in his world a little bit and has shared a little note that a girl gave to him telling him that she liked him.  Not that I want him to have a "girl friend" at this age but it seems to be the next growing phase I think for boys when they start changing and growing in their relationships and encounters with girls.  I guess what I'm trying to express is that my son shared something with me that I know was hard to share but he felt like he could and that means so much to me. 

On Sunday we were walking out to the van after church and Dillon and Micah were walking side by side.  I knew Dillon was tall but I didn't realize that he is almost as tall as his dad.  So when I need to tell Dillon something or get on to him about something I'm looking up and feeling very short.

My little Sara bear, she turned 8 last month and she too has changed some.  I love watching her talk to me and explain something to me, her little face lights up with excitement.  She is so expressive when she talks.

There seem to be more little moments with Micah and I.  You know the moments when you find yourself smiling and not so sure why but you can't help but smile.  Moments of fun and laughter, more moments of opening up and sharing which ends up expressing so much more love than what could be voiced.

New perspective on things can really make things come alive again.  I had a conversation with a friend today and I walked away feeling inspired again and full of hope.  It amazes me how often we can get stuck on looking at things in our own way and how hard it is to get unstuck to look at things a little differently.  Once you do look at things with a new perspective its amazing how alive you can feel again.

But with each new "discovery" positive or negative God is always there guiding  me with wisdom, love, discipline, and encouragement to get me to the next discovery that makes a difference in my life and gives glory to him.



Isaiah 43:19
¹⁹ For I am about to do something new.
      See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
   I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
      I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. (NLT)

A lost but now found frienship

I'm sitting here wishing I was in El Paso right now.  I would be able to get the box down from the shelf to browse through it.  Since I have moved here to Flagstaff almost 2 years ago, I still do not have all of my stuff here.  Its stuff like pictures of the kids when they were babies, photo albums, old journals, and my high school stuff.  I'm really wanting to look through my high school year books, at old cards and the scrapbook I made.  I hope the next trip my mom or dad makes here to visit that they will bring me those boxes.

I want to drift back into the past some just to job some memories.  A good friend of mine from junior high came back into my life.  We got back in touch with each other maybe a year ago.  It started with a phone call, then on face-book.  For some reason we haven't really re-connected during this time other than quick highlights of each others lives to get us sort of current.  We may occasionally make comments on each others status on face book but sadly that has really been about it.

It's God's timing not ours and he has opened the door to each other again.  My friend and I have shared some of our thoughts with each other that had been kept from the other for so long.  By doing that we had created an empty void between us.

I'm frustrated because I can't glimpse back through pages in front of me, all I have is what is in my head of her and us.  I'm thinking that is probably enough and how it should be for now.  Since this is the moment now and the its the present that stands before us now.  I need to just start with this moment and move forward in our lost but now found friendship.

I'm thankful Lord that you have blessed us with a second opportunity with the gift of friendship.  I'm looking forward to remembering my friend.  I'm excited to get started on getting to know who she is now.

I do ask you Lord to be with us both as we meet again to treat each other with tenderness, patience, kindness, forgiveness, and love.

Do you ever reflect back in order to look forward?

I find myself in a reflective mood tonight.  I’m tired, my neck hurts, and have a headache.  I don’t feel like reading, or doing much of anything that takes energy or a lot of focusing.  So I get out my Zune and plug my ears with the ear buds  and begin listening to music.  I haven’t sat around doing nothing and listening to music in a long time.  I don’t get depressed and have an empty bottle of wine next to me and I don’t block out the world and tuck my kids in bed first so they don’t see me cry myself to sleep.  Yes, I agree that is not a pretty picture that I painted there but it was once a reality in the reflection back.

The girls are in bed, Dillon is playing video games, Kyle is reading and Micah is on the computer so no one needs my attention.  I don’t  need to do anything.  So I will  just listen to music.  I love music, all sorts but I do find myself 99.9% of the time listening to just Christian music.  It’s so uplifting and helps me focus on God and His grace. There are times I listen to other things.  Like I said I love music but it seems to be a trigger for me.  A trigger that can put me in the past.  It can be good or not so good memories of moments in time.  It didn’t take too long for me to start picking song after song to listen to put me right back in those lost moments of time.

I used to get down and out when I would get in this mood but  I don’t  get that way anymore.  I think looking back at times helps me to move forward.  It shows me where I’ve been.  It reminds me of my selfishness and of the times of doing things my way, on my own.   Looking back is to look forward and it’s almost like a meter or graph ( a time line) that I can trace on and see the lessons learned.  When I look back and reflect now I know that healing has taken place.  I don’t have all those deep, painful emotions tied to the reflections anymore so I can now gaze into them and then look forward with a sigh of comfort and peace as I continue with each step in this life that I live.

I know that I can look back to look forward because the Holy Spirit dwells inside of me.  It’s by God’s grace that I don’t get lost in those reflections.  It has everything to do with going to Him and giving it all up and trusting Him.  I will always see the blessing that came out the moment that lead me to fall on my knees crying out to Him. 

It’s like those sayings that say once you go _________ you’ll never go back _______________. ( any example of this has not come to my mind yet so I will let you think of them) 

But how about this one…..

Once you go to Christ you’ll never go back! Meaning that once you go to Him and turn your life over to Him and you’ve had a change of heart you’ll never go back to what you were before.  God is with me and he won’t let me go so far back to that moment in time to lose me.  I think he may take me back at times only to keep bringing me forward and to draw me closer to Him.

Deep breath in and Deep breath out

These last few days I've noticed that I haven't felt like being part of my life.  I've been just sort of functioning and living life like a normal routine but not been.  Its hard to explain but I've noticed it mostly with the kids.  I slow down long enough to hear the main point and then I move on.  I find that I want them to rush and tell me what they need to or I need to do what I'm suppose to do for them then move on. By doing that I miss the little things, and most little things that get missed in my experience are the most treasured. Move onto what, I'm not sure.  Its not like there is something I need to rush off to do.  Things are going well in my life right now, nothing out of the ordinary.  We were blessed during the holiday season with family and friends and enjoyed ourselves.  So nothing is wrong.

It wasn't until today that I really took a deep breath in and deep breath out.  I went to MOPS leadership planning meeting.  For some reason I sort of had an emotional melt down, well really an emotional release.  Apparently a well needed one.  It was short but just enough to look at things internal, get refreshed, let out a big sigh and move on.

The little emotional release was so unplanned (which I know we don't plan them but usually something has gone on or happened to feel or see one coming on) and not the direction I envisioned myself going with it.  But it happened and it was okay.  I wasn't sure where it all came from or why but apparently it was a needed. I'm not sure if it has been a build up of things or just a hidden need that had to have some release.  I know I'm babbling and maybe not making much sense and if a man was reading this they would probably want to lock me up in a white padded room (no I'm kidding)

I think it all goes back to taking too much on with my own strength and not dying to self and giving it up to the Lord.  The Lord is all knowing and places what we need at the time in our life regardless of our own understanding.  So I think in moments like I had today just to remember to take a break to take a deep breath in and deep breath out with the knowledge and faith in the Holy Spirit above is the way to go.

The Author & Ruler of My Life

The Author & Ruler of My Life

Jesus is the author of my faith.

God is the Ruler of my life.

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.”
-Isaiah 30:15 NIV

God is sovereign so completely sovereign.  He controls everything.  Not just some things…everything.  Plain and simple: He rules.

Knowing this brings such peace that goes deep within my soul as I truly realize that I am not in charge of my life.  God is in charge.  I don’t have the power to orchestrate the events in my life any more than I have the power to make the moon rise and shine brightly above us in the night sky. 

The one thing I can do is join God, join God in my life. And in this joint effort, I will seek His guidance and wisdom.  I recognize that I need to dutifully live my days according to the practical principles that God the ruler of my life has laid out for me. 

I will never completely understand His sovereignty, it will always be a mystery for me to leave unsolved.  That is alright since the curiosity of  it feeds my spirit  bringing peace and strength to me.  Another reason that it’s all good, is because I have faith in him.  After all his son is the author of my faith.  Faith is trusting God to give us what we can’t produce apart from him.  I know I have experienced moments that I know it was not in my strength that I did what I did or found the words to say what was said.

The Ruler of my life has a good track record.  He knows more than I do.  He is creative and powerful.  He knows my name.  He knows my purpose in this life.  He is my helper.  He is my fighter.  He is my shoulder to cry on.  He is my hand to reach out to.  He is my heart that loves me.  He is my teacher that helps me to love others. He is my guide that guides me onto the right path.   He knows how to lead me.  He knows my life, he is the one with the plan.

So yes, I do kneel before the Ruler of Life.  He gave up everything just to save me and be the author of my life.   

Why would I want it any other way?  Why would I dare to take it on by myself?  The thought of doing all things on my own brings tears of frustration, a feeling of hopeless defeat and  an empty cold shriving feeling inside. I don't know about you but that doesn't sound very appealing.  It doesn't offer rest to start again.  Doing it my way would be harder than what it would need to be, so again I say no to that thought.  I’m so thankful so……… its so hard to find the right words to truly describe or express the emotion that is stirred inside me when I think of who is the Ruler of my Life and how good that makes me feel.

I raise my hands up high in praise and worship to the author & ruler of my life.  I smile and feel the warmth in my soul just knowing......

all I can do is take a deep breathe in and let out a big sigh of gratefulness.