My Self Diagnosis Confimed

Back in March I went to the doctor complaining about joint pain.  Since then I have kept record of how I have been feeling since then.  I have noticed some changes.  The pain seemed to be more in my muscles than my joints.  Stress and cold seemed to make me feel really bad.  Some foods may have bothered me with the pain too.  Not sleeping good and feeling really tired all the time and the constant pain in areas of my body that just wasn't going away no matter what.  I started researching online and figured out that I probably have Fibromyalgia.  The more I read and discovered the more I felt like I had figured it out.  Not that I wanted anything to be wrong in the first place.  I really wanted to discover and easy fix and make all the pain go away but the more I read the more I knew that this was not going to be easy to deal with.  It would and will affect me in all areas, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  (there is no one medicine to fix all that, I only need to lean on God)

My follow appointment was today, this morning.  My self diagnosis was confirmed!  At last I had a solid answer, it brought some relief knowing it but it brought stress with it too.  There is no cure.  Some people deal with this syndrome the rest of their lives and others have had it go away after a few years. 

Here are three definitions that I found that can give you an idea of what I'm talking about: 

Fibromyalgia (new Latin, fibro-, fibrous tissues, Gk. myo-, muscle, Gk. algos-, pain, meaning muscle and connective tissue pain; also referred to as FM or FMS) is a medical disorder pain and a heightened and painful response to pressure, characterized by chronic widespread pain.

Fibromyalgia syndrome is a chronic condition characterized by body aches, widespread pain, sleep problems, extreme fatigue, depression, anxiety, and other symptoms, in combination with tenderness of specific areas (muscles and tender points) on the body.

Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues.  Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain processes pain signals.

While there is no cure for fibromyalgia, a variety of medications can help control symptoms

Its frustrating, because since you can't see it, its hard for others to understand and sympathize with you.  It almost makes me feel very alone and misunderstood (with some close people around me right now)  It also puts it all on me.  If I want to feel better and manage this its all up to me.  Up to me to find what works to help me feel better and what doesn't.  Up to me to make changes and be disciplined and consistent in doing so.  There is no easy way out or easy fix and truthfully there are a few areas of my life that I have looked for the easy way out and when not found I have given up.  I find excuse after excuse and it just makes things worse. 

For example there was a day when I was skinny and then the kids came along and then laziness came along.  My weight has been like a yoyo.  In the past I tried different pills and things for that quick fix that didn't require hard work of working out.  Over the years I have finally told myself to stop trying those quick things, that they don't work and the only thing I can do is work out.  I do for a while then I stop then I do.  I don't see results so I get frustrated and then I just don't do much of anything anymore. 

Then there are things that I've never liked doing but I do them anyway (which I think we all have things in our lives but that is just life) when I was young I hated washing dishes.  My mom would call me into the kitchen to help and I would briefly or I would say I had to go to the bathroom and then by the time I returned she was already done.  (see I found an easy way out...an excuse)

So this Fibromyalgia fits unfortunately right in to what I think is one of the areas that God has been working with me for a long time.  There is no easy fix, I have to work hard and to my part, I can't give up, I have to have faith and lean on Him to make the changes that are necessary and good for me.

I walked out of the doctors office with comfort in knowing what it is, a little bit of hope, a prescription for a medicine to try to see if it works or not then will have to move to something else (trial and error), a paper with a a title of a book that the doctor said I needed to have, a receipt for the visit to give to my husband.

I have the book in hand now.  I will start reading it and researching to find ways of dealing with this new constant pain in my life that I better make friends with to get by.  I will also be leaning on God and throwing myself into his word so that I won't have to do all this alone. (and won't lose my mind totally....lol just kidding)

MOPS + Leadership=Community=Growth

This morning was the MOPS Leadership Tea.  The leadership team from this year invites new ladies for the next year.  We enjoyed great food, fellowship, games and a presentation.  It occurred to me today as each of us went around the room and introduced ourselves and shared what is was like being part of leadership that its another example of community.....of living in the shelter of others (refer to previous post).  There was a common theme that went around that were described in words like family, togetherness, laughing and crying together, growth on spiritual walk, ladies to lean on and share (not feeling alone), being more responsible, "growing up".  I'm sure there were more but you get the idea. 

I'm so thankful that God had a place in his plan for me this year to include the ladies in MOPS leadership.  I have laughed, cried and shared with them.  I have grown as a person and in my walk.  I'm a little sad knowing that the year of MOPS is almost over.  I'm not sure what I"m going to do without Thursdays devoted to leadership/MOPS.  (maybe a small group of us could get together from time to time and touch in on each others lives....summer will make it hard but all things are possible)

Its been fun and a learning experience to be in the "behind the scenes" of it all.  Watching the business of the getting things organized, ready, presentable.  Taking in all the creativeness all around you (and there are many creative ladies)

Its been great getting to know the ladies in leadership.  As a group it has set the stage to meet, greet, get to know and share with all the moms that we come into contact with during each of our "roles".  I have gained a great treasure from being part of the leadership team.  I can only imagine the huge treasure of the ladies who have been blessed through the program of MOPS as mom and then how some of them moved into Leadership roles.  I know the little piece I walk away from this year has truly blessed me and my life.

I look forward to next year.  I can't wait to see what God has in his plan next year for MOPS, Leadership and Family.

Living in the shelter of each other

I may have mentioned about my care group that I attend on Thursday nights.  It is a unique group of people.  Micah & I started going together but now it is down to me. Each individual brings such a different perspective on things but still the light of the Holy Spirit shines within them.  When we first started meeting we discussed the topic of idols.  We have been working on a study called  How People Change. It has been an interesting study, we are not done with it yet.  It's getting tough since it is dealing with the heart, changing the heart, which will then change the old self, the old habits, the old behaviors into a new heart.

It depends on how much you put into this study you will get out of it.  How far have some of us shared and become transparent in order to allow others to come along side of us to help, encourage and uplift? Also there are times that others can see our sin when we can't.  Yes, the only who can change a person is God the Father.  It is He who we should lean on and crave, seek and obey for this new heart.  It is through a community, a group of people with the same like mindedness that can share in the process that each of pursue with our loving Father.

Ever since I re-married and moved to Flagstaff AZ almost 2 years ago I have had many opportunities to be open and transparent. In one on one friendships, church, ladies bible study, mops, care group.  I have found comfort in knowing that God the Father places the right people (person or situation or blessing) in the midst of a trial to bring a part in it all that leads to further growth and change within me.

I am so thankful for all the many people that have come along side me, we have shared in prayer, hope and love.  Thank you.

My weekend

All last week I was in such a funk.  I tried to get out of it but couldn't, at least not for very long.  It was just a bunch of little things that grew into a huge knot of junk that irritated me and on top of it all I wasn't feeling good all week long.  So things just sort of built up and then I just felt like a blob of existence.  I didn't like my mood and my family was complaining about it too.  So Friday afternoon I decided to pack up the girls and I and head to Wittmann.  My mom was going to be at my Uncle's house bringing my grandmother back after she'd been visiting with her for a few weeks.   It was fun driving out of town with just my girls....a little road trip.  Karlee was my co-pilot, she handled the music and the direction reading.  Sara was quite in the back, content on listening to music, eating sunflower seeds and reading her book.

I was anxious to see my little mommy.  I have been missing her lately and all the things we do when we get together.  She is so silly at times.  I hadn't been around my Uncle in a very long time, since I was a kid.  I really don't know my Uncle and Aunt or any of my cousins.  My Uncle Ernie and Aunt Chris moved from the Washington area to Wittmann a few months ago.  Now they are closer to family, my grandmother and my mom and my family.   The future holds great opportunity for us all to get to know each other, I'm looking forward to it.

The girls and I had a great time.  Being around my family was nice and it was nice to get out of the funky mood that I had been.  I'm looking forward to a new week of blessings, opportunities and moments to cherish.  I'm thankful that I had the chance to be around my family this weekend.

Fort Davis TX

I lived in Fort Davis TX for 2 years.  During my time in Fort Davis my family and I went through ups and downs as most of us would of good times and not so good times.  Times of lots of laughter and smiles, tears and frustrations.  Living in Fort Davis was something I will never forget or regret.  Fort Davis is a town of caring and polite people.  Driving down the road people wave to you as they pass by.  Pass someone along the side walk they smile and say hello.  When there was a need there were people to fill the need.  I'm thankful for Fort Davis personally on so many levels.  It was a place of great growth for me spiritually.  It was also a place of happiness, friendships and trials.  But without trials we can not gain the wisdom and strength and perspective that gets us closer to God. 

I have listened and watched from a distance what my friends and the people of Fort Davis has been going through with the fire that broke out in such a beautiful little town.  I sit here feeling helpless.  My girls shed tears for their little friends they left almost two years ago.  My heart aches as I think of all that they are going through. I hold on knowing that the greatest thing I can do is pray.  The power of prayer is amazing, with that brings hope and comfort.  I hold on to that and it brings peace to my heart as I continue to hear reports of the damage.

The best thing that I know I can be thankful for and hope others will stop and take this in is that...the people in Fort Davis will pull together.  They will be there for each other.  Each person will help, encourage and support each person as they all go through the process of healing from this major event.  That brings such comfort.  On a small scale my family and I experienced a taste of that togetherness and kindness a couple of years ago before we moved.  My family has been blessed by the town of Fort Davis.  Fort Davis will always have a special place in our hearts.

Fort Davis and its people will recover from this event.

I came across this song by Jars of Clay and I enjoyed the chorus...

In the shelter of each other

We will live

We will live (never to walk alone)

We will live

We will live (your arms are all around us)

In the shelter of each other

We will live

We will live in the shelter

In the shelter of each other

We will live

It's the Fort Davis Community that you will find shelter despite all that has happened, you will find shelter.

My New Hobby

I have really enjoyed the last two times that Micah & I have gone out on the kayak.  I enjoy spending time with and having great conversations, laughing and smiling and teasing each other in fun.  Being out on the water is amazing.  I love looking around at all that surrounds me, the trees, rocks, water, birds.  I love taking pictures and have gotten brave enough to take my camera out on the kayak, wrapped in a zip-lock bag.  I feel confident enough now that we shouldn't tip over.  The paddling is great exercise.  There is just something so wonderful about paddling in a little boat moving around in the water exploring the sites all around you.  Its a hard feeling to describe but I enjoy every moment I can.  Micah & I have gone on two day trips and are planning to more as the weather gets warmer.  Micah enjoys exploring too but most of all he is a fisherman.  He loves to fish.  He is very patient while he waits to catch a fish.  I enjoy watching him too along with the sites.  I know that sounds a little funny but his expressions while sitting there along with our conversations can be insightful.  I enjoy the closeness I feel when we are out on the water together.  They are moments to enjoy.  Micah enjoys fishing, dirt biking, and camping.  I can fish but I find myself distracted with looking around me and not at my line.  I enjoy watching him ride his dirt bike while praying that he doesn't get hurt as he enjoys his ride.  I like to camp too.  I have found that camping as a family is a great thing to do.  Camping seems to bring us all closer.  As I started writing this post I was thinking that I was going to share how much I've come to enjoy kayaking and that was my new hobby.  I have re-read this post and in closing I have realized that my new hobby is spending time with my husband, enjoying things he likes to do outdoors and things that we both like.  At the end of the day we both have enjoyed our time together and the activity and can go home with a smile on our face and in our hearts.