Our Vets

Today I found myself at the VA Hospital ER in Prescott with my ex-husband, Scott.  While sitting there waiting I heard interesting conversation around me.  The man sitting in the picture below (I put my phone on silent and tried to look like I wasn't taking a picture while I was sitting down several chairs away from him) greeted every man that came in as brother.  He enjoyed talking, most of the men would listen and chat a little with him.  The man would repeat himself and share random stories about things he did and the men he killed and why.  He seemed very lonely.  He has been without his wife for a very long time ( he told me after he mentioned how pretty I was and that he had an amazingly beautiful and wonderful wife)  He talked about how he was waiting for his friend that he had driven there.  He said he would drive many of his friends to and from and that he has buried most of his friends.  He would get up before a man would leave and shake their hand and say thank you brother for doing his job for this country so long ago.

Everyone has a story.

One man looked over and saw me sitting there, while I was waiting for Scott.  The man in the chair had "announced" that the other man had dumped agent orange all over the place.  The man was not happy that the other man had said that so loudly, he seemed not proud of what he had done.  He told the man to be quite and that is what it was then and this is now and no one needs to know.  He sat down and looked back at me and said "especially to her, now she has heard and she will probably tell everyone she knows".  I wanted to tell him that wasn't going to happen and wanted to go shake his hand and tell him to have a good day but I sat quietly watching the men interact.

He was a mercenary.  He couldn't get into the Marines.

The man sitting like to talk.  He was saying good-bye to a man that had served our country long ago.

We were finally in the back waiting to see what all was going on with Scott.  Needless to say that we walked out hours later knowing nothing and told to go call his "medical team" to get permission to see a specialist.  The VA system is frustrating and sad.  I can't believe some of the attitudes I picked up on from the people working there to help the men that served our country.  The things they would say....they basically dismissed them and humored them on how they were feeling.  People these men served this country that we live in Hello!!  They have been through more than we could really understand or relate too.  The whole system is in no hurry to help them.

I'm worried about the father of my children....

We await the next step in discovering what is next to deal with.....

Deep Breath

Today I woke up tired and not feeling good.  My Fibro acting up some.  I enjoyed a cup of coffee and cleaned the kitchen and started laundry.  I should have gone to church.  Instead I got up and went to the grocery store.  After putting things away I sat on the couch to relax some while waiting for Karlee to get home, then we were going to go look for a pair of jeans for her.

While sitting there I received a text message from Scott (my ex-husband)  He had asked me to call him when I got a moment.  I called him right then and he asked me what I was doing tomorrow.  I actually have "off" so I asked what was up.  He said that he wanted me to go with him to the VA Hospital in Prescott.  He wasn't feeling well and he had been urinating blood and some clots.  It doesn't sound good and we still do not know all that can and could be going on in his body right now, so I'm glad he has decided to go.

On our way back from the mall, Karlee and I were almost home when I received a text message.  It was from a friend of mine.  I have been concerned about our friendship lately and was really shocked at the message I read.....I instantly was angry and hurt at the same time.  She said that she has an issue with but doesn't want to tell me about it and wants our friendship to dissolve.

I'm tired on all levels right now.  I took a moment to confide in a friend, then said a prayer.  I took a deep breath to go look over my list of things that I wanted to get done today to see what I could motivate myself to do.  I picked one thing and did it.  I'm working through things in my head....hence this post and now I'm completely empty and need to lay day and shut things out for a bit and take a nap.

Soon I will hear my little sunshine girl walking in the house from her fun filled days at Disney land.  I look forward to her being home, I've missed her.  I hope she won't be grumpy tomorrow when I get her up for school.....

Spring break

This wallet has become my best seller so far!  My Aunt Christ ordered one.  

I went to Hobby Lobby and had fun looking at the variety of things in the paper section

I bought a few new things too :)

I must confess I went there only for the 3.99 to 4.49 bottles of wine

Sara loves to chill out in the pool no matter how cold the water really was...

He moves faster than I thought...I watched him do a lap around the yard.

Sara & I enjoyed our time together

My Aunt Chris & I

Sara had to come over dripping wet to give me a "wet hug"

Kyle & Sara

Of course big brother has to splash, but they had a good time together.  It was good to see.

Kyle & Matt (Kyle's best friend)

Kyle back in February wanted to do this for his birthday....well it's a little late.....

He had a good time.

Sara too

My cousin Shawn & I

My Uncle Ernie

a view of a relaxing evening

My girl is growing up fast!

The boys enjoyed chilling out 

Spring Break1

Over Spring break Kyle, Sara and Kyle's friend Matt and I went to visit my Uncle and Aunt in Wittmann AZ

One of my Uncle's cactus

Sara's frown face, missing her grandpa Larry

Nurtle the Turtle

Sara took a pic of me while I was sitting with my Aunt....

Spring & Hope

I love the feeling I get during Spring.  I walk outside to see all the new buds and blossoms.  It feels so new and refreshed.  Even the Spring wind as it uncovers new growth (and blows the pollen around to get my nose running and eyes to itching)

I can't help but feel that a new beginning of something, somewhere is going to happen.  Being refreshed and revived with Hope.

Hope is new.  Hope is all around with our Lord.

The beginning of  Spring is so vibrant with color.  With Spring comes new hopes and new joys.

Our House

The house is not full and I'm left feeling incomplete.  Sara and I went to the grocery store yesterday to buy hamburger patties to grill for dinner.  I normally get the pack with 10 in it but instead I reached for the small 4 pack.  A 4 pack was going to be enough since it was just 3o of us in the house tonight.

Why is it when you say it out loud "officially" that it becomes more noticeable and a little more emotional to deal with?

I know Karlee will return from Mexico in a few days.

I know there are not two young men in the house all the time and that changes the balance of things in the house.

Pics of everyday life

Me!  Hi there!  I took a selfie while sitting in front of Jane's computer working on the women's ministry blog.

Sara & Emma came by to say hi to me and Sara and I got a little silly.

Sara & Emma (Day 1 Spring break)

Karlee sent this from Mexico the other night.  She is spending time with a friend and her family in Rocky Point

No wonder his neck hurts when he falls asleep watching T.V.

Having fun with Thirty-one Gifts....loving my new purse & wallet

Have slowed down on making cards for a bit.  Lately I've been sitting down and writing cards out for others, a blessing for me and them :)

And Now....

So its been a week that Dillon has been out of the house.  We saw him the other night.  He actually came to the door and knocked then we let him in.  Oddly enough he came by for his skateboard...but he hugged both Micah and I and off he went.  He is going to sink or swim and its all on him so we will wait and see what happens.

Scott hadn't been feeling well at all most of last week.  It was awful to see him that way.  He seems to be over it for the most part now.  He looks better but still says he doesn't feel the greatest, it could be stress with all that he has going on in his head.  Yesterday he stressed to me that we need to sit down and plan things for what could be ahead so that things will be in place for the kids if anything should happen to him.  The whole process with all this is the hardest part....all the waiting for each step then the next....never simple but what can we do.  Soon he will have a Chest CT and a Colonsocopy.(sorry for the mis spell)  Hopefully sooner than that he will get the results of his latest blood work regarding the markings for cancer.

Well I finally had short heart to heart with my son.  I'm a little sad but I know its what he wants and is happy.  He officially says that his home is at his dads.....and that where I live with Micah and the girls is my home or our home but not his.  He wants to live with his dad full time.  He has been actually for the last month.  I miss seeing him often but I do see him at times, its not like I don't and I'm thankful that he is there with his dad.  He loves his dad, and I know it has meant a lot to Scott that he and Kyle have built a relationship.  He is 15, a young man-he needs his father. (in whatever capacity that Scott can give) (I mean that in a good way, I've learned to accept Scott and love him for who he is)

Sara moved some of her things into the boys room and claims it to be hers now.  To see the happiness on her face made the little hole I felt fill up some.  It will be less crowed in the girls room, now with them separated, even if it turns out to be temporary.  Sara understands and she said she would enjoy it while she can.

Things continue to set me back into reality with Micah and I and my heart aches but I lean on Christ and keep moving on.

It was great to talk to my little brother yesterday.  I miss him.  I hate the distance we have between us in all ways.  I pray that God can bring us closer.

And now.....the new week begins. (Spring Break this week with the kids)

A new journey

A new journey has begun in my life.  It's taken me on a path that I do not know how to do.  In this new journey of unknown, I walk with my hand out to the Lord as I hold on to the hands of my children.  My ex-husband has been diagnosed with chronic hepatitis C.  If that wasn't enough, there were high markers for stomach, colon or liver cancer.

I don't know how to walk on this path.  I know others have.  I trust God will place the people and situations in our path to help us along the way.

My oldest daughter, sends me a text today, while at school.  She said that all she can think about is what song she will sing at her dad's funereal (that she had dreamed about the night before).  My heart sank for her at that moment, I wished I was with her then to hold her close but instead I could only offer a few words in a message that would hopefully get her mind focused back in her class for that moment. Then I stopped for a moment and whispered a little prayer.  It wasn't much, all I could find to say was "Jesus help me".

Circles around me

Do you ever feel like life is circling around you and you can't seem to stay with it all?  Lately it seems that there have been so many quick little changes that happen and then another and so on.  All I find myself doing is standing still in the middle of it feeling a little clueless and overwhelmed.

Life brings on life and you go with the moment then to the next one and then a new day begins again.

My daughter now has her own little car to get herself around to and from places and to work.  My son has spent the last two weeks with his dad and I see him here and there briefly.  My Sara bear is not wanting to be babied like a little girl because she is 12 and has developed an attitude with this stage.

My kids are getting older and as they do I find myself not "needed" so much anymore.  That is good but at the same time its an adjustment to work through for me.

Things are the same with my husband and I, a few steps forward and a 15 steps back.

I have enjoyed the snow but now looking forward to warmer temps with Spring around the corner.

I have started my own business, as a consultant with Thirty-one Gifts.  I'm having fun so far.

Circles of life whirl around but the one consent that remains the same now, in 15 mins, tomorrow and the next day is the Lord.  I'm so thankful and at peace with knowing this and leaning on Him.