The Fog has lifted

Wow!  Today is a new day!  The fog has lifted and guess what I found God was still there.  He was there when it was  foggy and he is there when its not foggy.  In this new day comes a new perspective that I plan on holding on it daily.  No matter how I feel physically, emotionally, spiritually God is there and he is handling it all.  I have to continue to put all my trust in Him.  I have to simply abide in Him.

And as far as not feeling good I know that the Lord is there with me and that I need to put my trust in Him even more than I would if I was not feeling good.

While working through my homework for care group tomorrow I wrote this prayer and thought I would share it with you.  I think it will fit quite nicely in this post especially after my last few postings.

Dear Lord,

The moment I finally grabbed onto your out reached hand was the moment my life was flooded with trials.  Trials that have brought me to several moments of deep truth within me, moments of repentance of my sins.   With each trial I continue to grow in my walk with you.  Thank you.  There have been times I thought I was finished with certain areas in my life but you keep placing me in those trials to continue the work you started in me.  Help me to hold on and trust you as I go through these trials that are before me now.  The trials that you place in my life over and over again.  Help me to take the needed changes to my heart so that the changes in my spirit will follow you until we meet face to face.  Help me with the struggles and frustrations that come with these trials.  Help remind me that blessings will come forth through it all.  Thank you Lord for listening to my grumbling and never giving up on me.  Always there to help me.  I simply need to abide in you Lord.  Please continue to put trials in my life to bring me more into the likeness of you oh Lord with the light of your gracious holy spirit shining above me.

In your name, Amen

Okay on the outside but not on the inside

I sit among you and listen and socialize.
I laugh and smile with you.
I talk and visit like its a good day and life is well.
I hug you and say all is well with me and keep going forward.
I participate in the daily things that take up my day.

Instead I'm tired, so tired that it takes all I have to keep going from moment to moment.
I'm frustrated and irritable
I'd rather just sleep in as long as I can and not be bothered 
or just sit around doing absolutely nothing.

I wrote this this morning sitting in Bible Study.  I haven't felt good the last couple of days and today was really having a hard time with focusing and not feeling the pain that my body insists on running through my whole being right now and not understanding why.  I had been feeling some what better last week but things change day by day and moment to moment.  I try not to think about it but find it hard at times, since I'd rather just curl up into a little ball and shut the world out. 

I enjoyed bible study, got a lot out of it.  From there I ran a few errands then went home.  I made some MOP calls and ate lunch.  Then I went to the gym, with the intentions of working out on some level but instead found myself in the hot tub.  I walk around on auto pilot it seems lately.  I don't like that feeling of being here but not really.

I'm not feeling very upbeat in spirit right now but I'm hanging in there.  I've had several conversations with God today and am very thankful he is there listening to me.  I'm so thankful that I have made Him apart of my life because he can bring good out of all of my frustration and feelings and know that things are fine and will be fine. 

I needed to share and write to get it out of my system.  I feel better getting it all out there.  Now its time to go cook dinner and enjoy the evening with my family before a new day starts tomorrow.

I will not give up on you

What do you say to a strong willed child that says no I will do it my way?
What do you say to a child that doesn't belive there is more out there?
What do you say to a child that doesn't have the heart for Jesus yet?
What do you say to a child that wishes things had been different and you weren't in his life?
What do you say to a child that doesn't understand why his mother is the way she is and feels that he doesn't have a place in her heart for him?
What do you say to a child that wants love and kindness, wants a "mother type" in his life but pushes you away?
What do you say to a child that drives your nerves crazy at times, that frustrates you and pushes all your buttons?
What do you say to a child that can bring you to a mad rage and then a flood of unending tears?
What do you say to a child that you don't understand?
What do you say to a child that hugs you one moment and then says ugly things to you in the next moment?

You say I will not give up on you.

You care and love him

You want the best for him

You pray and pray and pray some more
and you do not give up on him.

I will not give up on you!

The Defeated Spirit

I have been feeling a decline of my ex-husband's spirit for a while now in the background of my life.  I see him drift in his little conversations with the kids on the phone.  The calls are not all that long and are far between.  The kids get off the phone expressing how down their daddy sounds and sounds as if he was crying.  His postings on Face book have not been good, they too express his spirit slipping.  I have been burdened with thoughts of him more and more at times.  I reflect on the past and find the good and the blessings and wish he could see them too.  I pray for him and ask the kids to pray for their daddy too.

_________________________

I just received messages from him on my phone that show a defeated broken man that has given up and I fear that it will not end well.  I tried to say the right words for him from God but sadly they fell on deaf ears and a broken heart, defeated spirit of a man. I pray that my feelings do not end with a phone call and a conversation with our children that will leave them in tears. His last reply to mine left me hanging. 

 _________________________

Its been a few days later and he is hanging in there.  The kids have sent him messages on their phones, they all have talked to him too and heard his voice. They gave him hope and love with all their little hearts, trying reach out to him.  I've told them that they can help with father by talking to God and praying for him.   It helped that they did that now all they hang on to is their prayers.  Now they just wait its in God's hands now.

_________________________

There is this song by a new found singer, her name is Jamie Grace.  The song is called Hold On.  The words in are powerful.  Karlee sent the song to her dad and it touched his heart and now she feels like he is going to Hold on.  I would love to upload it here but was unable too and the lyrics aren't found yet.  She is new so that is probably why.  

The defeated spirit should hold on and look upward for their strengthen and answers.  I hope that this one hangs on.....our children need in him in whatever capacity that he can give right now.  Things will change for him as long as he doesn't give up and will look to God.

I caught the chorus and wrote it down:

Holding on to what I believe

Oh I believe in you

give me the strength to fight

and a heart to believe

when its hard to believe in you.

If only I can fight just a little bit longer

I know its gonna make me stronger...

I'll just keep holding on....

holding on....

This Broken World

A broken world we live in where we worry about our children

making the right choices.

A broken world where we try to take it all on ourselves with 

no help from others.

A broken world to learn the hard way.

A broken world where so many senseless things come to pass....

                                                                                mean people

                                                                                children dying

                                                                                abuse 

So many more awful things, the list could go on and on.

A broken world filled with broken homes and broken people.

A broken world that struggles to live, laugh and love.

A broken world that is designed to fall.

But within this broken world we live in HOPE and with that hope comes a promise.

This world may be broken but within it lies a brighter end and with that comes peace and love.

God is the hope that this broken world needs.

Only You

I was out with Kyle & Sara today and a song came on the radio.  It was a song that reminded me of someone who wasn't very nice to my family and taught me a hard tough lesson in life.  I listened to the song as if I was trying to study it or critique it.  As I examined the song I drifted a little into the past.  Despite the emotions that were arising with the memory I felt reassured knowing that I wouldn't ever feel the feelings that I had gone through with that lesson again. (feelings of lost, seeking approval of others to be happy, dependent upon what the outside could bring in)

I'm so thankful that there is only You now Lord.  You are the only one I seek to be happy and fulfilled.  I only see your joy and love.  You have taken over my life so nothing else matters.  That with You only I'm alright and need nothing more.  I should only be dependent on You only Lord.  It had been a costly lesson to learn back then but a gentle reminder today.  Thank you Lord for consuming my heart, soul and mind.

Lord, you are my shepherd.  I trust You to provide everything I need and I want.  I want to follow You all the days of my life.
 
^{2 Cor 12:9-10
9} Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. ¹⁰ That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Reflecting

Yesterday I spend most of it going through pictures.  I have put them all in photo albums, or frames or have them set aside to work on scrapbooks.  They were pictures of the past with the kids, family and my ex-husband.  It all was sort of bittersweet.  I actually can say that I enjoyed looking through them.  There was a time when I would go through different emotions, from sadness to anger to bitterness.  But now I can look back and see the beauty in it all.  All the joys and smiles, and laughter.  All the hidden moments to cherish.  Of course there were tears, harsh words and actions that can be seen it in all too but that is what this life here is all about. (trials and blessings)  However I can sit here and say thank you.  I'm thankful for all the ups and downs that I had gone through.  Thankful for all the blessings and trials that has brought me to this point in my life.

My relationship has grown deeper and closer to God.  I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me.  I have a church family that I can lean on when needed.  I have God in the center of my marriage.  He is also leading in the raising of my children.  I make decisions based on "What would Jesus Do" (I do try but fall at times I know)  I have such an inner peace inside that I thought I would never find.  I remember looking for so long in the years past and look back at the damage that happened in the process of looking and seeking it in the wrong places.  The "right" inner peace is with you Jesus, thank you my friend.

There are times that I can't help but look back to the past with my ex-husband because when I look at my children on a daily basis he is there.  I can see a look or an expression or something they said, you know how it is we sit there and pick out what is like each of us in our children.  My son Kyle is looking more and more like his father every day.

I'm so thankful for the second chance to have a complete marriage with God, myself and my husband Micah.  I'm so thankful that I have a church family that can help me guide my children in the direction they need to find God.  I'm so thankful for the power of prayer.

That is why today my prayer (and I hope that you will help me with this too) goes out to my ex-husband.  His name is Scott and he needs the power of prayer.  He need God at the center of his life.  He needs Jesus as his friend by his side.  I want him to know that there is hope.  That his future will turn out for the better despite all the trials he has overcome or is in the middle of right now.  Show him the blessings of the past and the hope to look forward for more to come.  Only God knows his plan for him but in the mean time help him through this unknowing, lost sort of place he is at right now in his life.  Please God share a part of your plan right now with Scott so that he take a few steps forward on his path towards you and his new blessing that is right around the corner waiting for him.  Its waiting for him to reach out to you, waiting for him to just ask you to help him, show him, guide him, and love him.  Lord he is the father of my beautiful children that you entrusted us to bring into this world and serve you so it is my plea for Scott to find you and have hope to start living a life his life again.  To really live again but with his faith and hope in you to bring him out of his trials now and onto to blessings that will fulfill him and bring him inner peace too.  Yes, I think that after all this that I have mentioned I want that the most for him.....inner peace.  Amen

Thank you Lord, you are all powerful and all loving. 

When Life gives you Lemons

After I posted my last post just moments ago, I logged on to Face book and found a post by a friend that really stuck out.  I clicked on the song and listened.  Shortly after listening my mood lightened up and I didn't feel so frustrated and down and out.  A smile came to my face and I looked out the window from the desk and asked out loud for a straw! :)  Listen to the song and read the lyrics and then I think you will understand.

 

I’ve got it made
Rest in the shade
And hold my love
While God above
Stirs with a spoon
We share the moon
Smile at the bees
More sugar please
He really loves us after all
We’re gonna need another straw!
We’re gonna need another straw!

So once I again I have to thank God for something.....for lemons and lemonade. :)  I need to continue to put all my trust in the Lord and to know that good comes out of all and to enjoy life's sweet pleasures in the mix of this crazy world....in the mix of whatever may be going on in my life.  I just need to relax and trust God.  I need to grab a straw and enjoy my lemons because they make good lemonade.

This post was a little silly and light but its just what I needed. 

THE UNKNOWN OF THE UNKNOWN

I went to my doctor's appointment this morning.  I started off feeling nervous and end with feeling frustrated.  The doctor doesn't think I have arthritis, which is good.  He knows there is something wrong but doesn't know what yet. Since I don't have insurance he decided to hold off on blood test and x-rays.  We'll try the wait and see approach and go from there.  I don't have enough of one type of symptom to be easily matched with some of the major things he put out there.  

So I don't have an answer as to why I hurt all the time and that is so very frustrating.  I wanted so badly to walk out of there with a step by step process of what was wrong and what to do and then it all be fixed and that would be that!  (but that is not even how life is so I can't expect other things to be that way)

He wants to see me in six weeks (so April 29th) and wants me to keep track of things that could add to the way I feel. To keep track of things I eat, stress, not sleeping, activities, and the weather.  He gave me something to take for the pain and discomfort hoping to ease some of the pain and discomfort.  If I have a day that I'm feeling really really bad like I had mentioned  last week then I'm suppose to go in immediately so he can look me over then when I feel so horrible in hopes of seeing something else at that time.

He tried to reassure me and tell me not to worry about it that at this point it wasn't life threatening and that we would figure it out in time.

I am happy and thankful that its not arthritis and not some of the other things he mentioned (which are really big words that I will not attempt to say)  There are so many things that can cause the things I feel and because of that its the unknown of the unknown.  Its difficult to just say okay and go on without wondering and going on about it.  I know it won't change anything by constantly thinking about it so I only have one choice in the matter.  To trust God. ( and to keep record of things and go on about my days until there is an answer of some sort.)

(Psalm 54:4) 4 Behold, God is my helper ; The Lord is the sustainer of my soul. 

(Psalm 37:3-5) 3 Trust in the LORD and do good ; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. 4 Delight yourself in the LORD ; And He will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

(Phil 4:6-7) 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Psalm 139

A letter from my daughter

The other day I pulled out my notebook to write in it.  For some reason I decided to flip through the pages and in the middle of my notebook I found this note from Karlee.  I wanted to share it.

Mom,

I just want to say that I'm so grateful that God put us at the Revolve Tour and made everything work out perfect!  It's like it was really an important part of God's plan for us.  I really think that you and I have gotten close as mother and daughter.  Sure it would have been amazing if I had brought a friend.  But I'm thrilled that we got some good quality time together one on one.

I know it has probably been a few days since our little Phoenix adventure now but I feel like writing to you and letting you find it.  Its the easiest way to tell you that I really appreciate you, and going to the Revolve.

Anyways I want you to know that I do have dreams.  I do believe that I can make a difference in this world!  I love you!

Karlee Marie

Our Words and God's Power

Lately I've been hearing how much prayer can help.  That prayer is the answer when you don't know what else to do.  That prayer is a way to talk to God and express your desires, worries and pains. That prayer can be the only thing a person can do to continue their next day in this world.  That prayer can be a place to thank God for your blessings and praise Him for his power in your life.  That prayer is a a time to pray for the lost or the sick.  A place to talk about and ask for encouragement and strength.  Prayer then should be apart of a person's day on a daily basis from morning to night.


I pray but I'm not sure I pray enough.  I think at times I forget about what can happen when I offer my word to the Lord.  By giving Him my words I'm asking for His help and His power.  I"m giving it all to Him and not taking it on my own.  


I will sometimes write out a prayer or say them silently to myself.  At times I'm driving down the road saying it out loud when I'm the only one in the vehicle.  I usually feel silly and then end up becoming silent.  I have a hard time praying in front of others.  I have in a large group, like bible study.  Its the one on one that I feel inadequate to pray.  I look at others and see how easy it is and they seem to have the right words too.  I know I shouldn't be making it so difficult on myself.


Yesterday I attended our MOPS steering meeting at church.  The small group of us meet to talk about upcoming events and activities and things regarding the MOPS meetings and the MOPPET program.  During this time we also take the time to worship the Lord.  We sang a song and then listened to a devotional lead by  someone who cares so deeply about helping women on their spiritual journey.  (she also happens to be my mentor)  We also take the time to share with each other, update each other on the things that have been going on in our lives (which turn in to prayer requests)  I love this opportunity but was hesitant this time around.  I think its because I feel like I have too much unknown going on in my life right now.  We all went around the table and shared.


After walking away from that meeting and heading out to the van to continue with the rest of my day a few things came to mind.


1.  each of us sitting at that table were at different places but were committed to MOPS
2.  each of us had so much going on that none of us could really feel alone in it all because we all were there for each other and we all leaned on Christ
3.  despite all that we each had going on in our lives we are able to hold it together to run the MOPS program helping others in the process and its because we have Christ right in the middle of it and if it werent for Him we would not be able to do what we do.
4.  going thru what we do helps so many people and grows us and changes us at a heart level is lasting

I had this overwhelming urgency to pray, to pray for all the ladies at that table, to pray for MOPS with all the moms and children, to pray for my family, for this broken world but just to talk to God.  To sit down and just talk like I was talking to one of those ladies sitting in front of me.

Dear Lord, 

You are with me when I'm strong and when I'm weak.

You never leave my side.  Today and everyday help me

to trust your promises, experience your presence and feel 

your love.  Help me to be a light of hope and encouragement for 

others.  Help me to share your promises with them and show them

how they can experience your presence in their lives and feel 

your love for them as well.

In your name, Amen

I needed a verse today

 This morning before bible study I decided to hold my bible in my lap and say a prayer.  I needed a kick start to my day.  I figured the best place to start was with the Lord.  I wanted a verse to ponder on today or just to help me with whatever might pop in my mind today.  I've never tried this but I have loved ones who have so after my little prayer I just opened my bible and my eyes skimmed for just a second until I came upon the verse below.  I don't think there is much else to say after that verse.  :)

"Trust in the LORD forever, For in GOD the LORD, we have an everlasting Rock." Isaiah 26:4

Changes around the corner

There are changes around the corner.  I know this because I have felt them come on now for awhile.   What will they mean, I'm not sure yet but God is there and in charge.  My mind has been racing lately with all the unknown.  I try to keep myself busy but its hard.  I lose energy and motivation.  Yesterday I couldn't help but focus on how much my whole body hurt that I was almost in tears, curled up in a ball laying in the middle of the bed.  My husband was sitting in front of me on his computer, I was quite about how I was feeling. Today wasn't much better.  I found myself falling into my worries and the frustration of how I felt that  and decided to take a nap.  I was in a funky mood for most of the day.  My husband knew I was in a mood and tried to make me laugh.  I felt better after my nap.  Just typing this entry to my blog is uncomfortable and painful at times.   Everywhere I'm connected I ache.  All of my joints.  My knee clicks loudly as I walk up and down the stairs. My family knows when mom is coming up the stairs they can hear my knee.  Some moments the pain is achy and uncomfortable and others it hurts and is bothersome.  I don't feel good after I eat.  I'm really tired and dragging along.  I don't want to do much.  Its tender to touch around my joints. I'm stiff in the morning and most of the day especially if I sit too long in one position. I wasn't comfortable in church on Sunday and that irritated me.   All I know is that I feel what I feel all day long from morning to night, day in and day out never ceasing.  Its frustrating because it affects everything I do no matter what it is, I just want it to go away.  I think this is one change that is going on that will last and I will have to change with it.  But I won't change without God's help, I'm not alone and there are people with far worse changes to work thru than me.  I continue to take comfort in knowing Jesus.  I will continue to keep myself as busy as I can this week until my appointment next week.

The Ride of Life

Lately I would have to describe the "ride of life" as a roller coaster.  All the ups and downs of life seem to be like a roller coaster.  I don't like roller coaster rides so I choose not to ride them when I find myself in front of one.  (I know I'm boring at an amusement park)  Life in this world is a ride and I have to be on it but at least I'm not on it alone.  I have my Lord and Savior next to me on this ride of ups and downs.

Last week Dillon came home not feeling good.  I took him to the doctor and he checked out fine with her but he still complained about a few things so she ordered some tests.  The tests were basically going to cost an arm and a leg.  Micah and I were conflicted on what to do.  We had one test done but couldn't get the others done because the place closed (which turned out to be a blessing).  The next day we decided to not have anymore done and wait for the results of the one to come back, Dillon was feeling better too.  Results were in and the test was fine and Dillon continued to feel better so we were happy with the tough decision of not having the other tests done.

We rode the ride of teenager/parent roller coaster ride too.  The school called and said that Dillon had walked in from lunch with the wrong crowd.  I'm discovering that the ride with teenagers is just going to get bumpier and do crazy loops making me dizzy with confusion until is gets better and smooths out (but in the end all will be good).

The good part on the ride of life last week was MOPS/pizza and coffee chat with a friend.  We ended up having plenty of workers to cover all the room with the kids.  We had a fundraiser at Peter Piper Pizza for MOPS.  I joined some of my friends, leaders and other mom's at Peter Piper Pizza and enjoyed lunch chatting and relaxing.

The coffee chat was more of need not a want to just hang out sort of thing.  It was chance for me to get back on track with the ride of life that I was on.  I'm so thankful to have to this person in my life that I can run to and talk with or shed a few tears with before getting back in the seat on the roller coaster ride.

Last week ended with me going to the doctor.  I haven't been feeling good for a couple of months now and so I thought it was time to see what was up.  Micah and I had a feeling that they wouldn't be able to help us and that I would have to go see someone else.  The internet is amazing, all the information out there.  You can even diagnose yourself too!  Well the doctor has referred me to a Rheumatologist.  I may have some type of arthritis.  Did you know that there are over 100 types?  I've got myself thinking the worst one of course.  I have an appointment set up for March 14th.  I've been in a funk lately and not feeling good but you couldn't tell by looking at me.  Life goes on.

Micah gave us a scare the other night.  He awoke suddenly gasping for air.  Again the internet is amazing.  We have figured out that he suffers and has suffered for awhile now from Gas Reflux.  All I know is the other night scared me.  It has left a lasting impression on him too.  He's decided that he wants to do his part of life changes so that he can prevent what happened the other night.

Our little scrappy (our dog) is now a toothless doggie.  Poor thing.  He will be better soon.  He had a bad infection in his mouth.  It's been very costly lately with all that has gone on.  I'm thankful that God provides, protects, leads, strengthens, cares and loves us.  His love for us is never ending and he is there never leaving our side during our roller coaster rides of life.

God planned our weekend

It was all because of God that we had the most amazing, insightful, fun, weekend.  I loved watching Karlee's expressions throughout the weekend, big smiles, eyes wide open watching taking it all in, listening closely to the speakers, screaming when Britt Nicole came out on stage, waving her arms up in the air and jumping to the energetic music.  There were a few emotional moments for me.  I sort of felt overwhelmed and heavy with a deep feeling of gratefulness.  I was thankful that I was there with my daughter.  I was thankful that was able to bring her to the event.  I was thankful for God and all he has done for me, my family, my children-my heart was in my throat and tears were so close to spilling over but all I could do was look at my daughter, the huge crowd of girls, loud music playing and smile with pure joy and peace in my heart.

God really did plan the weekend.  He covered every little detail from the beginning to the end.  I had mentioned that we had won the tickets but I didn't tell you how people responded when I shared how we won them.  It was their reaction that I knew then that God did all of it.  God planned it and wanted Karlee and I to go.  You either won the tickets by being a certain caller or submitting a letter.  I got the strangest looks when I told them that I was called and asked if I wanted tickets.  The nice man in the parking lot on our way out on Friday night asked where we were from.  When I mentioned from Flagstaff he said that he would be reserving 6 spots tomorrow for people from Flagstaff or Prescott.  Saturday morning we were the first ones in the parking lot and the nice man removed one of the cones from a spot saved and we parked in the same parking lot close to the door.  God put the perfect  most sweetest hosts for us to be around and get to know more while we stayed in their home, Suzanne and Harvey.  We felt so welcomed and relaxed, our stay with them was very enjoyable.  We even attended church with them on Sunday before heading back home.  The message I felt was very appropriate and fit in to the rest of our weekend....Making the Right Choices.  I regained some confidence in myself after borrowing Jeannie's little "friend" Prince William and realized that I make things harder on myself at times and create way too much stress over finding where I need to go.  I think Karlee and I have been given a new fresh start in our relationship as far as communicating with each other and I look forward to it continuing to grow and change.  The whole weekend ran like a perfect rehearsed plan.  It is such a comfort knowing how much God is in control of our lives. 

Thank you Lord