I was first introduced to God when I was in the 7th grade. My best friend invited me to her youth group, it was at a Lutheran church. Soon I was going to youth group and church while my family stayed at home, only to make an appearance if there was something going on. My mom was raised conservative Baptist and my dad was not raised in a church. (although his mother was a God Fearing woman) I soon went through the Lutheran’s confirmation program and was confirmed and had a little ceremony of reading, reciting and singing then presented with a certificate and a Good News Bible with my name engraved on it. I continued going to this church into my freshman year of high school then I soon started to drift away. My best friend and I soon branched out into our new world of high school.
Later in my sophomore year of high school I met a boy and soon we started to date and he eventually introduced me to his church. It was an Assembly of God . I soon discovered that I loved all the music the worship band played and sang. It inspired me, it stirred things inside of me. I thought I felt closer to God during this time. I soon fell away from this church body too. (Ironically this the is church that my mom and her husband were married in, became members and attend)
So by now I’m out on my own going to the Community College and working nights a hotel as a cocktail waitress. I met a boy and eventually was in a relationship with him. I moved in with him. There was no mention of God or a church during this time. This went on for 2 years then things started to get a little strange and we parted ways.
I started a new stage of life working at a car dealership and guess what happened…..I met a man. I was in my 20s and he was in his mid 30s. He swept me off my feet for some time and married me. He was raised in a Methodist church. Early on in our marriage God or church was not part of the deal, although God’s presence was felt in the background of it all. The car business was not good to us soon my husband, our 1st baby girl and I moved into my dad’s house and lived with him for almost 2 years. Our son came into the picture shortly after my husband had lost his job . He then left for Albuquerque and found a job in 2 days after searching for 2 months in El Paso.
We moved to Albuquerque when our son was 7 months old. He worked as a ware house manager and I worked at a child development center at a Methodist church, teaching toddlers. (I see God’s hand do you…..) I worked there for 3 years and during that time we had our 3rd child. A baby girl. ( who at the time was not quite in our plan but she was part of God’s plan at the time) My husband picked up the lead for a while and we started attending the church I worked for, became members and baptized (sprinkled) our children. We attended together as a family for sometime but soon things were not going well again in our marriage and the kids and I were going without my husband.
We moved outside of Albuquerque into the mountains with a smaller community around us. It was nice for awhile. Soon I quit going all and all to church and did not take the children either. The kids made friends with some neighbors down the road. Little did I know what role this family would play in our lives at that time. I started to work for them in their home that ran several businesses in their home. Their kids started taking my kids to church with them and the kids loved it. Then this family developed their own home church in their home and the kids went without me for sometime then I started to go. This is the part in my life where things really got messed up and confused and I seemed to have walked further and further away from the all knowing path that somewhere in the back of my mind and heart I knew I should of found and walked towards but yet, again I took steps backwards.
I divorced my husband after almost 10 years of marriage.
I had the head knowledge of knowing who God was and wanted to be in my life but I had not developed a relationship with him. I had not turned my life completely over to him.
I remember in Albuquerque getting to the point that I avoided the music I heard in church. It hurt to sing. I couldn’t sing without starting to feel all chocked up and on the verge of tears. I was sort of reaching out but not letting go. My heart would become heavy and my mind would go over all the things that had been going on in my life and I felt lost, heartbroken, helpless, defeated and scared. I left the room many times until the singing was over and would cry a little bit before returning to hear the message. I recall myself pushing away more than seeking, questioning and doubting than trusting and believing. Sadly enough I did this for years then I sort of went in the middle of more confusion. Knowing the right path but still not following it. Following more of a self path…..it’s hard to describe. It was a place of discovery of “self” more than anything.
By now I was divorced and living briefly for about 3 months with my mom and stepped dad in their house in El Paso trying to figure out what to do and fix the mess that I was in (notice I said I was trying to fix the mess and not giving it up to God and letting him) I went to my mom one night and told her that I felt in my heart that I had to move where my ex-husband was and try to put thing back together again.
The power of the Lord was knocking at my heart by now. I started changing some and started looking up in His direction, trying to listen with my ears (not my heart) but still I wavered in and out of His presence . I continued on the “self, I can do it path, I can change my ex-husband, I can do it all)
Trials were placed in my path over and over again, each time I found a way around Him. Which usually the outcomes were 10x worse than if I ‘d only chosen to walk with the Lord. The trials started to get bigger as time went on. Unfortunately He really felt like I needed something to get my attention. He hadn’t given up on me. He knew my true heart, but he had to discipline me. (he knew my heart all along when I didn’t)
It started with my ex-husband trying to take his own life. Then he and I parted ways and I was left alone as a single mom teetering between self and the Holy Spirit.
Once again there was a man that came into my life. This time the outside on the surface was the greatest thing ever (so I thought and my children thought too) but deep down in the hidden dark place of this man was not good and it has had a lasting effect on myself and my children. (mostly my oldest daughter, let’s just say that this man is in jail for the rest of his life since there were several other young girls that had crossed his evil path) God finally brought me out of my selfish ways, myself centerdness to my knees crying out to him with every ounce of my being. I was crushed and almost feeling dead when I realized what I needed in my life. It was not going to be the perfect man or money or good things around me or any of that. It was simply going to be Him! I crumpled onto the floor and asked the questions of why and how could you let this happen? How am I going to get through this? Will my children be alright? I cried and screamed until I was numb and then there was a calm that washed over me from head to toe and it was warm and then I knew the answers that I had sought and instead of starting to go my way. I sat there and whispered “I’m sorry”.
From that moment I stood up and knew who I was going to develop a relationship with, who I was going to walk with, who I was going to give my heart, body and soul to. Yes you know the answer..Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.
I began craving his word. I reached out for his guiding hand in my life. I started to attend the services at the Baptist church that I worked for (yes I worked for two churches a Methodist one as a pre-school asst and a church secretary at the Baptist church) Soon there were different people placed in my path, that were sharing their lives with me that brought in to the church closer than I’d ever been. I was surrounded by Him. There was a family there that I wanted to be part of. I started attending the Ladies Bible study, going to the church pot lucks. The kids and I went to Sunday school before the service. My children and I gave our lives to Jesus and were Baptist zed. I wanted his calming, peaceful, powerful, every loving and lasting trusting guidance, discipline and love in my life! I knew he was there for me and would have me no matter my prior history with him.
To this day I love music, most of the time I only listen to Christian music. Yes there have been times the music will pull and tug at my heart strings but I know that is because something is going on that I need to make right with Him. I need to repent and ask for forgiveness or guidance from and I need to listen to Him with my heart not my ears.
Now I stand before you with Jesus Christ at the center of my life. It is by his grace that I am who I am.
Thank you Jesus for never giving up on me. For always seeing what was truly in my heart and taking the time and patience to bring me before your throne to be used in your plan (not mine) and to serve you, there is no love greater than your LOVE.
Thank you for the may blessings that you have placed in my life since that moment I turned my life over to you. I have a wonderful husband that cares for me and my three children. You have given me a teenage son to get to know and love. You have grown me as mother and friend, and as your child. You have changed my heart and encouraged me with my role of a wife with you and my husband together. You have given me grace to continue in my new chapter with you.
Thank you for taking my hand and not letting go. I am yours.
