My Life Map

My life map, my story, tonight I shared it with 4 other ladies.  Tuesday nights for the last couple of weeks I've been going to a bible study.  Its on a book called Community, I don't have it front of me right now for more details of who its by and all but basically its to build community with others.  The group was for anyone but it turned out to be only woman attending.  Woman of all walks of life and ages.  Its where my boyfriend's mom works and attends church, she is part of the group.  She is the one or invited me to go.  Other than knowing her a little bit prior to this group I do not know anyone else in the group.  I don't think we are all in ages of 40 to 70. 

In our study we have gotten to the chapter of sharing our story.  Its interesting to think of it as a life map, showing where we began, where our journey has taken us and how we have ended up at this point in life in the present.  We were to share about the ups and downs of our lives and how God has been apart of that process.  Each of us has been very different.

Tonight two of us shared and we went over on our scheduled time.  Next week will be Ben's mom turn to share her story.  She still hugged me after I shared mine lol.  Not that she wouldn't but she did just learn a ton about me in a very short time.

After hearing the other share I was a little hesitant, well I don't know if that is the right word or not but I realized that my story had so many low points and I wasn't raised in the church as the others either.  But I do know that the things I have gone through has helped me to become who I am today and has helped me be closer in my relationship with God so I knew it was okay to share and that would be expressed in my story.  Because despite it all there were always joys and blessings to be found in it all, always!

I wrote my highlights out on a piece of notebook paper torn out of a spiral notebook, written out like a time line with years to help explain each part of my journey until now.  Looking at it written like that was a little crazy and overwhelming to go through at first but it all happened and it all became part of my story of God and his strength that He gave to me in it all.  All I have for it all is gratefulness.  Sure I could have done with out a lot of it, and it wasn't enjoyable to go through, at least the low points but I'm grateful for all of it.

I exposed the tough, sad, broken areas of my life to these ladies that have shared their stories of struggles, I felt safe and okay with it.  On the drive home I felt refreshed and cleansed again, a little rattled with some of the memories but it passed into feeling at peace with the life I lived to the life I'm living now.  I'm in a good place now and I still have the Lord with me as I had Him with me on my journey that He began 45 years ago.

Well its getting late and I'm tired and I've lost my train of thought so I think I will call it a night.  I think I've expressed my thoughts for now.  It all comes down to living life in Christ in all that comes with it and being thankful, blessed and at peace.

Goodnight

Last weekend in October

This past weekend was a-little more low key.  I was still not feeling good, I had taken Thursday off from work and went back to work on Friday.  Having a cold really knocks out all my energy and my apartment showed it with the dishes in the sink.

Friday night we grabbed a bite to eat and rented 3 movies.  I told Ben I don't think we can watch 3 in one night.  Well we did, went to bed at midnight.  So cuddled and watched movies.  Ben had said earlier in the evening that we were going to stay in so I could get better and over this cold.

Saturday morning we got up and went to one of his storage units.  He has two but this one he has had since he moved back here to AZ from Alabama 3 years ago.  He bought a big storage shed and put it out at his place so he can use it as a shop and storage.  Getting rid of this one will save him some money.  I was happy for him.  I was also happy for him that he would be getting rid of this stuff so he could really keep moving forward.  Most of what was in there was stuff from his ex and the girls.

As I watched, he didn't want me to help, it was all dirty and dusty and I was still trying to get over my cold so he did it all.  As I watched him I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking or feeling.  I didn't ask because its a touchy subject with him.  I'm sure it was a mixture of emotions, after all he has a huge caring heart. 

The empty shed.  Then we drove it all out to his place and he unloaded it and will go through it soon to get rid of things.

Sara ended up being home and around on Saturday afternoon into the evening.  She didn't feel like being out and about with her friends.  So she hung out with Ben and I.  We enjoyed her being around.  We took her out driving and on the interstate, she did really well.  She ended up driving us all around the rest of the day.  We went to Chilis to eat dinner.  Then later to the pumpkin patch at Peace Lutheran.

Being silly and taking a quick pic at the pumpkin patch.  I love spending time with my Sara bear!

Then we went to Sonic and Ben treated us to a yummy treat.

Sara didn't want to stop driving around, she wanted an adventure as she put it.  So she drove us to the Duck Pond and we sat listening to music and watching her be silly and sing and dance in the car.  It was almost 9:00 by now and we said we wanted to go home so she drove us home.  She said she felt sort of like an Uber driver.  

She ended up cuddling next to me, while I cuddled to Ben on the coach and we found something to watch on Netflix before we called it a night.

Sunday!  Girl time!

We all went to Sams and the grocery store together.  Then a quick browse at the mall and then home to relax and get ready for the week.  Sara was our driver again.

I love my girls and my girl time!

I did get to see my boy briefly too!  He came over to eat dinner and grab a few things that I had gotten him at Sams and then off he went to his home.

I was feeling like a happy and content momma by the end of the day/weekend.

Very blessed.

Night life weekend in October

This guy makes me so happy!!!

This guy makes me laugh and smile constantly!

A couple of weekends ago we went to surprise Karlee at work.  We waited for her to get off work and then we told her that we were hers to hang with!  She was so excited.  She was so proud to take us out on the "town" and introduce us to her night life and introduce Ben and I to her friends.  Ben and I experienced our first Uber and Lyft ride and we didn't get home until 2:30 a.m.  Crazy fun night with my daughter and her friends.

As beautiful as it was outside on Saturday, Ben and I were so tired from our Friday night out with Karlee....I think we are too old for all that lol.  I did sit outside for a bit on my porch and enjoyed the fresh air and sun shining.

Friday night at Karlee's work.

Now we get to Saturday night.  I've discovered a new yummy drink, a lemon drop martini.

We went to the Museum Club to celebrate a friend's birthday.

I've lived in Flagstaff almost 10 years and had never been there.  It was fun, I enjoyed the music.

The birthday girl Dez!

The boys!

It was another fun night that found us out until 3:00 a.m.  I know we are crazy but we had another fun night out.  Its not something that Ben and I usually do or have ever done....go out and about at places late at night.  It was fun.  I don't think we will be doing two nights in a row like that again or out and about like that in a long time.  We were so tired.  

We will lay low on the night life and enjoy cuddling on the couch watching movies for awhile.

Mixed but Blessed

I was going to post this a couple of weeks ago.  Our Fall season started off a little mixed up with winter.  Its evened out finally to Fall and most of the leaves on the trees out front of my apartment have all fallen off.  We have had beautiful perfect Fall weather lately, its been very nice.  I would have enjoyed it more last week had I not gotten sick with a cold.  I'm feeling much better now, its sort of hanging on but I should be done with this silly cold soon.

This mixed up season thing makes me think a little bit about life.  Life goes up and down but in the mix of it all there are blessings.  Like Kyle having trouble with the truck, the blower going out and having a hard time to defrost the windshield or be warm inside, but he still has a truck that will start and get him to work.  That's just one example I can think of right now, I thought I had several but I guess my brain is still a little foggy.

I look for the blessings and joys each day and I'm so thankful for them all.  Sure life isn't perfect but its a perfect mix!

Fall Weekend Memories

My girls went up to Snowbowl at Aspen Corner to take some Fall type pictures.  They went last year on the same day.  This might just become a tradition for them.  Fall sisterly day :)

Friday night we all met in honor of my dad (the 8th being 3 years) to enjoy some pizza.  We checked out a new place called Your Pie.  It was pretty good.  The family time was the best, the laughter and the conversation.

Selfie Saturday lol

Ben, Sara and I decided to go to Snowbowl.  I was hoping for the perfect Fall picture with all the leaves changing with Ben and I.  But instead the weather was not good.....it was slushy, wet and snowy.  I was a little disappointed but I enjoyed the drive and being out and about with two people I care a ton about.

Sunday morning was so pretty!  Its like the wet snow cloudy day the day before didn't even exist.  I decided to simply step out my front door to find the beautiful Fall leaves that I was in search of the day before. 

I couldn't help but notice the mountains

 while I was at the grocery store before I went to meet up with Ben's mom at church.

To make my Sunday even better....a very dear friend stopped by on her way home to Albuquerque.

Her family means a lot to me and just being to visit and hear how well they are all doing despite the struggles they have had to overcome in their family with their parents makes my heart so very happy! She comes from a big family, 4 sisters and 4 brothers, we have a history with them, from long ago, a chapter in my life I don't think much about honestly because of the crazy stuff that happened with their parents but it was so so so good to see Deborah!

Then this happened Sunday night :(  I left a glass pie pan that I'd been using to make my weekly quiche for breakfast during the work week and I turned on the wrong burner....

Monday night I'm not sure what got into me but I made three meals in one night!  I made chicken Alfredo for dinner and then a Caldillo and a Potato Soup. Set for the first few days of the week.  If it continues to be so cold this season I think my electric pressure cooker is going to get a work out!  I bought it last year and didn't do to much with it but not anymore.....

Tuesday Morning......the Seasons are mixed up.

Windy and cold

Its only October folks!!!

I was blessed with a great weekend, very thankful.

Seasons of Change

I'm not sure if I really have a favorite season.  There is something I enjoy with each season.  I love the colors of Fall.  I enjoy watching the trees and their leaves change from a deep green to many colors of yellow, brown, red and orange.  Each season brings changes around us and also in us.  I've been sitting here for almost 2 hours now looking back on my blog and picking all of the Octobers to read and look over.  It amazes me how much of my life has changed and the ups and downs that have been in my life just in the season of Fall.  My life is different from last year and then way different 3 years ago.  Each year I've gotten older, and my relationship with the Lord has grown and there have been so many blessings and joys with each new season. 

Looking back seems like forever when I was living the life that I had lived.  I love seeing how much of God's hands were in my life.  It continues to reinforce the need from all parts of me, my body, mind and soul that I can not do this life without Him.

I have thinking about my story, and what seasons were an important part in who I am today.  In the bible study that I've been going to on Tuesday evenings its about building community.  We are at the section that we all will be sharing our stories.  The one leading the study went first, I'm not sure who will go next.  We are a very small group, only six of us. 

I'm not going to plan on what I'm going to say, I'm not even going to write it down.  God will lead me and have me share what I need to share.  But I do want to look back at where I've come along with a little bit of a time line, just to refresh my mind some, which is what I've been doing this evening with my blog.  Its been nice to see how much more joy is in my life now compared to other moments in my past.  Its all because of God.  He didn't give up on me and I didn't give up on Him.  I love the Lord and I'm so grateful for all the ups and downs in my life, they were not always easy and there was pain and tears at times with a few seasons of hopeless but there was always something to be thankful for and to celebrate when you didn't see it at first.

Well its getting late and I should probably go to bed now.  I can sleep in some tomorrow and Friday since Sara is out on Fall break from school.  I'm not sure where my thoughts are right now, maybe still reflecting on where I've been for a little longer before I jump back to where I am right now in this moment.  And in this moment its a moment of peace, and gratefulness. 

Goodnight

Cold Weather 1:45 p.m. 10/9/18

Thankful for the cold weather.  I'm not sure where our Fall went but it skipped for a bit and brought on some cold winter like temps.  Because of the cold weather it was easy to menu plan this week.  All I could think of was warm, comforting type of food.  Because of that and it being cold it has brought my son home the last two nights.

Last night he came over again to enjoy meatloaf, mashed potatoes, gravy and green beans. 

He even said that all he wants is something warm to eat because its cold.  It warms me up having him around.  I hat put one of the Pirates of the Caribbean on and he ate and watch it with me.  Sara didn't stick around much after she ate.  She only enjoyed a heaping pile of mashed potatoes and gravy.  But we all sat together and ate in the living and that was really nice.

There was a tiny split second that I found myself about to get up and go put the food away in the kitchen but I looked over to the couch.  I saw Kyle had gotten comfortable on the couch after Sara left.  He stretched out laying down, a couch pillow under his head and a blanket covering his feet with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him on the table cooling off to drink, watch the movie.  I dismissed the idea of getting up very quickly and sat there watching the movie with him until it was over.

He got up to leave after the movie.  He told me thank you and gave me another lingering hug, a little more lingering tonight....maybe it was because we were thinking of papa and missing him.

I pulled out a jacket that was my dad's and asked if Kyle wanted it.  He picked up off the couch and put it on and walked out warm and cozy with a full stomach ready to go to his apartment :)

Feeling blessed for the moment with my son and thankful for the cold weather.

11:20 a.m. 10/8/18

Yesterday while at work I took a moment to reflect and write this....

I'm at work but I'm having a hard time focusing.  My mind is wondering to the cold weather outside, craving to be at home with my family.  I want to be cozy and comfy, not doing much at all, maybe sitting by the window looking out.

I'm thinking of last night (Sunday) when Kyle came over for dinner.  Karlee couldn't come, she was at work.  It was a quite moment, none of us talked much.  I had Duck Dynasty in the background (thinking of my daddy).  Sara was curled up on one end of the couch with a blanket eating her chicken tortilla soup and messing around on her phone.  Kyle was on the other end eating his soup, he'd look up at times from his phone which had a football game on it, the Cowboys were playing, to look up at the T.V. and laugh at times.

Just simply being in the same room, hanging out sharing a meal together was perfect.  A meal truly does bring family together.  Kyle at dinner, two helping of soup and then a bowl of cereal.  He stayed a little longer after he ate and then grabbed the bags I had for him with left over soup and other food. He gave me a lingering hug and told me thank you and that he loved me, opened the door and walked out to go to his apartment.

Sara hung out a little longer on the couch downstairs with me and then ventured upstairs to her room for the rest of the evening.

Family is something so important to me.  I hope I've done a good job expressing that to the kids so that they will have that same feeling of home and family in their lives and no matter how far apart they may find themselves one day from each other that they will work hard to be together when they can, enjoying and making the most of it.

8 p.m. October 8th 2015

His breathing was slow and long in between each breath until finally he took his last breath....he was gone.

8:00 p.m. El Paso Texas.

As we walked out of the hospital and into the cool night air to the parking lot I couldn't help but feel joy.  Pure joy!  Daddy was gone but it brought a flood of peace and joy to me in the parking lot as we said our good-byes and left the hospital.  

For that moment sadness wasn't felt only peace and joy were there.

I wrote the above in a journal 4 years ago when I had to say good bye to my daddy.  I think of him often and I miss him so much.  I miss sharing about the kids.

In the past I've sat and read the journal that I wrote in that has the whole story of his passing from the moment I talked to him on the phone and realized that something wasn't right to the moment that I stood by his side holding his hand tightly in my hand until he I whispered to him that we are all alright and he could go.

But this time I've taken a few moment to think of that week and then I moved on.  I took a quick glimpse at the journal, what stood out this time was the feeling of peace and joy.  It was at the moment that I knew I wanted to remember that feeling of joy and peace from that night that I said good bye to my daddy.

In honor of my daddy I want to make a meatloaf and enjoy a cold meatloaf sandwich the next day.
I'm going to driving up the mountain and enjoy a cool crisp beautiful view.

You get the the idea here.....enjoy and have peace.  My heart is full.

I love you daddy and I miss you.
I'm going to keep smiling to make people wonder what I'm up to :)

Little Moments First week of October.

My angel from my mom, I haven't turned it on in a while but the other night I felt the need to turn it on for a little while before I went to bed.  I enjoyed a moment of thinking about my family and feeling blessed where God has me in my life right now.

Leaves are changing!

 A memory popped up on my Facebook page of these two.  Crazy how much they have grown and changed.  Love them both so much!  When it comes down to it they love and care for each other and will always be there for one another.

This picture was taken a few years ago at one of the Women's Retreats.  I love this woman so much! Tuesday night I was driving home from a bible study that I've been attending with Ben's mom.  I've just started venturing out again meeting new people and slowly getting involved in fellowship again.  The lesson was a good one, it got to me so much so that I was sad.  I was missing things and people that I don't have in my life anymore but the one person that I do still have in my life was Jane.  She has been apart of my life from the moment I moved here to Flagstaff.  

I was driving home but I didn't want to go home until I stopped to see my friend.  I had the need to go see her so badly.  I called her and she was home and said that I could come by.  I went by and enjoyed a cup of tea and good conversation.  I was okay again.

Saturday morning before the weather got bad and cold Ben and I went to Peace Lutheran to browse their craft fair.  Then we explored their pumpkin patch.  It was cute and well set up!  I enjoyed it so much, I felt like a little kid.  Ben had fun taking pictures of me walking through it.  I love the picture above of the two of us.

Isn't this little tin man the cutest!!!

Saturday night Sara's Sophomore Homecoming.

She looks so grown up.....she will be 16 in December.

When Ben left he found snow on the vehicles and called me to tell me that it had snowed a little and that we had our first snow on the mountain.

1st snow of the season!  It just changed to Fall and now we have a quick little bit of Winter.....

It is well with my soul.

I took this picture this morning before I went to the 11:00 church service at Peace Lutheran, where Ben's mom works and they have been apart of the church for several years.

I enjoyed the church service, it was a good message and the music/songs spoke to my heart and soul.  It was just what I needed.  Very thankful for the Lord.

Since it was a cold day I made a batch of our favorite chicken tortilla soup and invited Karlee and Kyle over to join Sara and I.  Karlee had to work, but I set some soup aside for her to enjoy later.

I enjoyed having family dinner with my other two.

It was quite but it was so nice to be with them enjoying a yummy meal and just being together.

I'm truly blessed.

I'm ready for the new week and whatever it will bring.

I also have a menu planned with yummy warm comfort food for the cold days ahead.

My heart has been prepared by the Lord for the week.