Papers Signed

Today the wind picked up and the clouds moved in and the sky darkened.  It rained hard.  The rain was appropriate for my afternoon. Micah came over and we signed the papers for divorce.  He will take them to the court house tomorrow and we will pay $600.00!!!

I'm in the processing mode so I don't really feel like writing or thinking or doing much...I'm alright.  It was a mixed emotion kind of afternoon but I got through it.  It was sad and this chapter is coming to a close....I have to keep moving on to see how this next chapter in my life will go...

Good thing I have a distraction these next couple of days.....study study and study!

Seriously!!!! Really!!!!

How can you be married to a person for 7 years....to only be missed sometimes!!!!????

I feel like such a fool about last night thinking about him and us over steak!  After today I'm going to have a hard time not playing in my head some of the statements he said today over and and over.

the grill from the top balcony at Micah's

Okay let me back up some....

so last night I sent him a message asking if he would bring the grill over today at some point, and yes in my weakness last night even expressed that I missed him and his steaks.  He did not read the message until this morning at 7:10 am!  He didn't respond at all.  So late afternoon today I sent a message asking him if he got my message from last night and when will he be bringing the grill by.  He responded and said that he would try on his way out to the movies.  

I was laying down looking over my notes when from my window I see him walk by with the grill, he put it down and began walking away.  I walked outside and said thank you then I said hey what about the tank. He said when he got it from the lady years ago when he first bought it he didn't buy it with a tank.  I said well okay but why can't I have one of the other tanks that you have. (I know he has three)  He said no I don't have an extra one and you will have to get your own.  

He looked over the grill and discovered a piece on it was broken and said for me not use it until I fixed it.  I said really!  Well how am I going to do that!? He said okay he would take it and fix it for me.  (gee thanks buddy)  He came in to wash his hands after messing with the grill.  I asked him why does he always ignore me lately.  He said because he has nothing to say.  Oh nice!  

I asked him well what about signing the papers.  He said he didn't understand what the hurry was we are already living separately, its just a piece of paper.  I said what about if you did something crazy with money and we are married and then I would be partly responsible.  He said no that wouldn't happen because you are not on anything other than the bank account.  I said oh thats right just another "normal" part of our marriage, you kept everything separated.  I asked if he was going to take me off of the bank account.  He said he wasn't going to worry about it right now.  I said well okay its not like I have ever really touched it.

I was shocked by now really at how he was viewing all this.  I told him that I thought it was nice that he wasn't having a hard time with any of this but that it was hard for me and I needed this closure.  I said well its not like things are going to change between us so we need to meet up and sign the papers.  He said if he got rained out one day next week that he would meet me to sign.  I said well okay just to call before he headed over so I could make sure the lady would there.

He turned to leave and then I asked one last time "do you ever think about me?  Miss me?" Sometimes.   Then he started walking towards his truck and I turned and walked into my apartment.

God is my provider

A sweet friend of mind reminded me that God is my provider.  My daily provider! Daily!!
He will provide for my needs and what my family needs today.  Today and then tomorrow but not until tomorrow comes.  Today is today with today's needs.  One day at a time.

One day at a time I will trust in you Lord.
One day at a time I will follow you Lord.
One day at a time I will know you Lord.
One day at a time.....

Crying over Steak!

I was driving back from Marshals this evening, it was cloudy and rainy and I was hungry.  I was thinking about food.  I had a craving for red meat!  A good hunk of steak is what sounded really good.  I thought about going to the Outback by myself for a steak.  I sat at the light and then I started feeling this overwhelming feeling of sadness....I decided I better go home.  Within the short distance of the light and home I had tears going down my face, all because I started thinking about steak!

Steak & Micah! He really did grill good steaks and now I won't be able to eat his steaks anymore and I don't have a grill to do my own steaks and it wouldn't be the same!  And no one to grill me a steak either! Then I drifted back to memories of times spent together eating steak and watching movies or sitting out on the balcony for several of our anniversaries spending time outside enjoying a steak dinner.

I sucked up the tears to get into the house.  I even distracted myself for about an hour or so going through the things I bought and organized my closet down stairs (hall closet is my closet) and started a load of laundry.  By now it was dark and I was really hungry decided I wasn't going back out so I took the shredded pork I just bought out and cooked it up and make tacos for myself.

I put music on, poured a glass of wine and started cooking.  I was in my own little world.  Then I sat down to eat and browse on the computer and different songs came on and then it went down hill from there....I broke.  I broke down and began crying!  Crazy I know, I've been doing so well and feeling so positive and accepting of things but I guess things can sneak in at times.  Then the worst thing I could do was browse on Micah's Facebook page and look at pictures of us and the kids and past times...the worst thing to do dang it!  I wan't to scream at the computer "why wasn't I good enough?!" Why are you so stupid to not see such a beautiful person like me?"  Why?!"

Ugh all because I started craving red meat!!!!! Dang red meat! Steak geezzz

Can you tell it was one of those days that I spent too much time by myself?

I did talk with a friend that came by to look at my Thirty One stash to buy a few things, and we just started to talk and I shared and shared and shared......
maybe it was because I actually vocalized things to a person that hasn't been in the loop of it all and to hear it and say it and know it now is the truly the next step to acceptance....

Where are the kids you ask? Sara is at Lake Powell with a friend and her family, Kyle is at Football camp and Karlee in Phoenix visiting a friend.

I know what I need to do! I need to go study and then go to bed.  I need to pull out some Veggie Tale Movies for a friend in the morning.  I need to get the little grill from the top balcony at Micah's over here and then I need to grill my own dang piece of red meat!! lol

Oh my! Its scheduled!

Today was the day!  I scheduled my test!  I'm so nervous.  It will be next Friday on the 29th at 9:00am.  It would be wonderful to pass the first time so I can apply for my insurance license and get an increase in pay and earn commission!  So any and all prayer warriors out there...please start some prayer power for me.

On the home front.....
the kids are doing well.
I'm still trying to settle in with my living/bedroom arrangements.  We haven't gotten all of Kyle's stuff over yet or my dresser downstairs yet so things are still a little all over the place.
Kyle is doing alright so far, he went and hung out with his dad the other day after work.

So this morning I messaged Micah to let him know that the lady in the office next door to where I work can notarize signatures.  And said he could meet me here to sign the papers of the Consent Decree or if we met up somewhere else like a bank or something it would have to be done on my lunch hour and to let me know when and what day would work for him this week or next.  My phone showed that he read the message but did not respond at all.  A little later I asked him if I had received anything in the mail over there with Thirty One and he responded right a way.

I think its very interesting.....

Soooo I don't know I guess I will let it go for a day or so and then approach him again.
You know if he had only shown some hesitation and a little moving towards me then maybe things could be different but now.....we need to keep moving forward on our own paths.

Food, Family & Friends

Friday night Kyle, Matt, Karlee and I went to check out this new pizza placed called Grimaldi's Pizzeria.  Oh my gosh it was so yummy!  I loved the sauce.  Everyone liked it.

This is me heading out to the Celtic Festival on Saturday.  A big step doing something I like knowing Micah will be there.  But I was going to meet up with a friend so its okay.

I'm so blessed to have gone with my friend Linda!  She was the perfect one to go with.

and the Celtic Festival begins with bagpipes :)

Had to see my favorite!  The Wicked  Tinkers!

Don't worry I didn't eat this yummy looking treat by myself, Linda helped :)

Enjoyed taking my son out shopping for school clothes.  I loved spending time with him.  Its defiantly a different experience shopping with him vs. the girls lol :)

Steps Forward!

I looked up how it works when both consent.  I printed up the other set of papers to be filled out by both Micah and I and then we have to sign in front of a notary, make copies, pay a few and submit.  I sent Micah a text message with the info in the pic above and he said "okay".

Okay so it was a little odd being at the Celtic Festival knowing Micah was there, being married yet not and walking around.  But I was okay with it.  In fact when Linda and I first got there, I wasn't even looking for him.  She and I headed over to a corner of the tent to catch the tail end of the Wicked Tinkers playing.  Hadn't even been there but a few seconds and who finds me and comes over to me.  Yep! Micah.  I said hi and we had light small talk type conversation.  He lingered a moment and then went on his way.  Linda leans over and tells me "wow he found you quick, thats interesting."  Linda and I went about our way the rest of the time.  Micah didn't linger too far from the drinking tent.  By the time we ran into each other again he told me he was up his 9th drink. (I only had two beers).  Again he reached out to me.  I was walking through the tent looking for a place to sit to catch the performance of the Wicked Tinkers from the beginning while Linda was in line to get our treat.  I was walking through and then I heard a male voice "Do you want this seat?" I looked over and down and it was guess who?  Micah.  I said no I need two.  He said good luck.  Again we entered into brief small talk conversation and then I left to go get Linda since we were going to have to stand in the back with no seat available.

It was a fun day! I'm glad I went.

Now its time to get back to work. Gene is back in the office! So glad about that, gotta get him caught up on what I did and didn't do lol :)

Friday is over!!

Today is done!  It wasn't tooooooo bad.  At least on the emotional end of it all, it was the best in a long time.  Work was busy and I had a few difficult clients to deal with but I got through it.  I will be glad when Gene gets back in the office on Monday.

My girls and I ended up at the mall after I got off at 4:00.  We enjoyed some time there.  Karlee had brought Sara to work for me so that she could clean the office and get it all done with so we wouldn't have to worry about it all weekend.  She made plans with Marlee and I want to go to the Celtic Festival.

Got home and my son says mom I'm hungry whats for dinner.  Well maybe we shouldn't have but we did.....we went out and enjoyed dinner out tonight at a new pizza place.  It was fun and so yummy for our tummies!  It turned out to be Kyle, his best friend Matt, Karlee and I.  Sara stayed behind to get picked up to go to her friends house.  It was so nice. I enjoyed every moment of sitting at a table with teenagers and conversation.  I really love having my son around again......hey have I said how much I love my son being with me again! :)  I can't help it my heart is so full again.

We hadn't walked in the door when Karlee turns around and says "bye mom" and off she went.

On the way back from dinner I mentioned to Karlee how I'm okay with things now with Micah and I that I'm ready for the divorce, actually anxious.  Its like when I decide to go do something different with my hair I have to go do it quickly and can't wait until its done.  She smiled and said that I'm cute but then said thats good mom.  She was real happy to hear that I'm okay with it.

I had gone over to Micah's the other night with the papers that I downloaded off of the internet and wanted to finish them up with Micah.  He said isn't there just something we both can sign and call it done since we are not fighting over anything and its simple and all instead of starting a case of divorce.  I said I don't know this is all I could find.  I told him if he wanted to try to find something else then go ahead.  He said he'd look and let me know.  I told him firmly to do it quickly and let me know so that its ready to send off or get the process going by the end of the month.

I think this week was so hard because I have moved into the acceptance phase of the grieving process.  And yes I've been grieving the loss.  What ever "we" were it is a loss and a change in my life that I have to walk through.  I'm not saying that its easy or has been easy or will be easy but its a process and I think after the acceptance phase I can move into the healing phase.

I want to find me again.

Friday!!

Today is Friday!  I'm sort of excited not for any reason really other than it being the end of the week!  This week is almost over, its been a busy one with work and a busy one with my emotions.  Yesterday was much much better and today I think will be even better regarding the emotional state I've been in all week.  As far as work well, I have a lot going on that I hope I can get done and that no one will come in with an issue.  But I'm handling things all around me the best I can.

Look look!  Look what I got as a surprise yesterday.  Gene texted me and asked if a package came and I told him yes.  He said open it.  There were two name tags.  One gold and one silver one!  Its silly and small thing but it means so much to me.  All I have to do now is schedule my test, take the test and become licensed to keep moving along.

Well the day is early and not over yet so I will let you know how it goes!

To hold him again

Kyle came down stairs to say good night to me.  He came to give me a hug and then he sat next to me and lingered.  I pulled him close and he let him hold him. I held him tightly for what seemed like a long time.  He finally broke and cried.  I held him while his body shook briefly while he let it out.  I uttered that I was sorry and I told him I loved him.  I kissed the back of his neck, he lingered a moment longer and then got up and wiped his eyes and said good night and that he loved me.

Lord please help me be there for my son to help him with this change.

My son's heart

My son and his father.  My son's heart is aching and there isn't much I can say or do for him.  Things are settling in with reality now for Kyle.  He went out to his dad's this morning to get more of his things.  When I got home this evening I asked where his stuff was, I wanted to see what we were looking at for space.  He told me and said that there was more.  I asked why he didn't go ahead and bring it he simply said "that way I can go see dad again".

Kyle had texted me earlier in the day and said that he didn't want his dad to go.  I reminded him why he was going and that it would be a good thing but he only replied with a sad face.  I didn't know what to say.

Just moments ago I wiped his tears off of the table.

Kyle came down the stairs and said "mom I don't want him to go".  I pulled a chair out from the table and said sit down and lets talk.  He sat down and instantly put his arm down on the table and then he laid his head down in the crook of it.  I knew he was trying not to cry.  I put my hand on his back and held it there for a bit in silence.  I was trying to figure out what to say but what could I say that would change the situation or how he was feeling.  I caressed his head for a bit, I couldn't help but think about when he was little and he loved to play with my hair and put his hand close to me on my neck.  And the moments when he loved to have his back rubbed to fall asleep.

I told him that I know it was hard and going to be hard.  I told him that I guess next summer we need to make sure we get to Tx.  I told him that I loved him and that I was here for him and for him to come talk to me and keep me in the loop of his feelings.  I told him it was okay to cry and let it out.  He didn't say a word.  He raised his head up and hide it in his shirt while rubbing his eyes with it.  He got up to blow his nose and I gave him a hug.  He went upstairs to his room.  Sighed real heavy and stood there at the bottom of the stairs looking up as he walked up.

As I walked back over to my table with my computer I saw the dining table wet with his tear drops.

No matter what Scott did or didn't do or how he is or whatever he is still a father and Kyle has learned to love and know his father for who he is no matter.  And despite it all this will be hard on both of them.

I can only keep letting Kyle know I'm here for him and love him and let him have time to adjust and heal.

I love my son and I love his tender heart.

Self Talk

Below I copied from a devotional that came in my email.  I realized how I have been sabotaging my days lately with my own thoughts.  Today is another new day that I've been blessed with and another opportunity to bring glory and praise to my Heavenly Father.  I can't do that if my self talk is negative, down on myself, unsure and not trusting.  In fact my self talk has not honored Him and shows lack of trust, that doesn't set well with me.  Its so easy to believe or get sucked into what others or the world thinks of you or classifies you in.  Much hard to know, trust and believe that God made me just as I am, the person as I am to go through and struggle as I have so that He can bring me close to Him.

Turn away from negative thoughts. (1 Peter 1:13)
Our minds will always drift to the worse that can possibly happen. We will have to discipline our thoughts to meditate on what is truth, righteous, good, and praiseworthy.

PRAYER

Dear Lord, I want to trust in You with all of my heart. Help me to overcome any obstacles that seek to hinder my faith in You. Amen.

Why do I do what I do. Hope!

Last night I wrote this:

Like a big dummy out to torture herself I guess....

I sent Micah a message about how it won't be the same going to the Celtic Festival this year without him and how much I enjoyed our time spent together when we would go.  I'm not sure what I was hoping for but I think more than "yup" and then telling me that you bought a bottle of good wine, the brand that you would every so often splurge on and share with me.  Really! Well go enjoy it then!

Well if that wasn't enough I went on to send another text message to only get no response back! It was a long one too. Then I pushed some and his reply was "I'm in the middle of dinner".

I guess I was trying to fish a little to see what I would catch with a small chance of hope to once again not to catch anything! I have never really been a good fisherman. I suppose it doesn't really surprise me and I only set myself up for more disappointment and upset feelings.  

I think I'm really done now! Done torturing myself....done hoping.

It's time see this through and accept it.  It's time to take that huge step and then hurry back to grab a hold of my heavenly fathers hand and let him lead me and comfort me.

TODAY-Tuesday:

I woke up feeling a little better than yesterday, a little less emotional so I thought.  I get to work and start my day but then after 10 mins of being there I sent this message to Micah:
Good morning. So how was your dinner?  I was hoping you would respond to my message last night. But I guess when I push for you to share I end up in tears...I hate wanting to hear things of mutual feelings from you that really don't seem to be there.  I'm sorry for bothering you if you are at work.  Just had to get it out of my system so I can start my day at work.  Hope you have a nice day at work.  Take care.

Then he sent his reply:  Good morning! Don't know what to say the we haven't already said.  You know I love you and always will.  Just not in the way you need or deserve.  Anyway hope you have a good day.  :)

Its like I was crushed all over again....
I did fight back the tears....okay I let a few out.  The only thing I said to myself was "Well at least he feels I deserve more" Then I did my best the rest of the day to keep busy busy.  After lunch I was better and knew that those papers I started to fill out will be finished and sent off soon.

I got through the day.
I'm feeling a little sad but better knowing that closer is coming soon just a few more steps.  This has been such a process and continues to be.  Healing is what will take time to heal and get back into things.

I think I just had to know for sure that it really is over between us.
I'm okay and it will be alright.

Ugh Why Did I Go!?

I don't think I should have gone to that wedding last night!  Okay so maybe that isn't right but it did get some tough feelings moving again and it got to me more than I thought.  I noticed it this morning and as the day has gone I have struggled to find a smile and fight back tears.  It irritates me!  Its not like we had a great thing!  So what is it? I don't know.....

So I went to work this morning, and my mind was wondering and my heart was a little sensitive but I fought it and listened to uplifting music.  I'm at the office this week by myself, Gene is on vacation.  About 9:25 am Scott calls me, upset that Kyle isn't up and out of bed yet.  They were meeting at the doctors office, Kyle's leg hasn't been good after he hurt it in football recently.  Scott has never had patience.  Then he called again and said he couldn't find the place.  I told him, I sent him the address and everything and he still couldn't figure it out.  I was beside myself at this point, I hate how he pushes my buttons.  Every since he quite his job he seems like he has been drinking too much, he can't talk well, he can't walk well, he can't seem to function well!  It was a good thing I was in the office by myself, I ended up yelling at Scott on the phone. Not good I know.

With all that frustration at him my emotions were overflowing and needed to come out.  I went in the back room of the office and sat down in the dark for a moment.  I was so angry and then it lead to a little crying and calling out to the Lord asking for his help.  I gathered myself and went to get busy with work, praying that I didn't have any unhappy clients coming in to complain....I was really working at keeping it together and smiling when I had to.

I couldn't help it my mind drifted in and out of work to Micah and I.  I couldn't help but start thinking about this coming weekend.  I had to ask him if he was going to the Celtic Festival, and he was with his brother Wyatt and Wyatt's girlfriend Jana.  It was a day we looked forward to go together too.  My emotions kept spiraling and I kept pulling them back together.

Its really ridiculous I think, I'm a fool and I need to stop!  Oh did I mention that I started my morning off filling out the blanks on the divorce papers that I printed up from online?  Maybe that is what did it.

Anyways on and off all day long I struggled throughout the day until I could leave and go home.

I have just decided to sum it up to a funk for the day and look forward to tomorrow being a new day.

I did come home and do some studying, fed my orchids (I'm really trying to nurse them back to blooming) chatted with an old friend from high school on messenger, did a load of laundry, and made dinner.  I think its time to go make some chamomile tea and call it a night soon.  I need a new day to begin again.

Weekend, changes, friends & family

Sara and her friend Briana

They had fun at the pool, now time for some watermelon.

What is summer without watermelon :)

What was my room is now Kyle's room.  I went and bought him a new bed sheet/comforter set.

We re-hung the eagle blanket from down stairs to the wall in his room now.

Living room by day and bedroom by night.

I felt like it was the best thing to do, the easiest and its what I really wanted to do.

Yes there will be some more adjusting and organizing but it was well worth the feeling it gave me to do that for my son.  At first he said no that he didn't want me to do that for him but I insisted and soon he embraced it and is very happy.

Scott came by with Karlee's car, his friend fixed the problem with getting the key out of the ignition.

It was nice see Karlee sitting there with her dad talking with him.  Especially after the latest news, we all need to enjoy these moments of togetherness.

Scott is moving by the end of the month back to TX to go take care of his parents.  They need help and care.  I think it will be good for him and them.  The kids will miss him.  Kyle will have a hard time.  There will be an adjustment but they will be alright.  One of the things that Kyle said and got a little teary eyed was that he won't be there to watch him play on varsity next year.  My heart sank.  This will be good for Scott in so many ways.

We enjoyed Sunday morning together.  Sara had a friend spend the night and Kyle did too.  It was nice to cook breakfast for everyone.  I loved having all of them together to eat and enjoy Sunday morning.  We spent the rest of the day being lazy until late afternoon.  Sara & I got ready to go to a wedding.

I bought a new dress to wear to my boss's daughter's wedding.  Sara is wearing a dress of Karlee's.  She looked so beautiful in it it.

I'm so thankful that my sun shine of girl went with me tonight to the wedding.

It was a beautiful wedding.

I will say that it wasn't easy sitting there watching a young couple get married, sitting next to a very happy couple with a huge happy family.

It was hard to listen to the whole ceremony, it was beautiful but hard.  I fought back the tears.

I couldn't help but think of my situation and my marriage.

Heck I was married, sitting in a church without my wedding ring on.....it just wasn't right...

But I pushed through.

I had a few moments later and shared them with Sara but she helped me hold it together.

In the end I'm glad I went, all in all it was nice to go.  

I just know what one of the things I'm going to work on this week......filling out the papers I downloaded and printed up.....the next step. I have been putting it off but I really need to stop and just do it and then keep trusting in God to continue to guide me.

Oh and guess what I know God is working and has been working in all this....

The couple that we were going to move in with are moving to Montana. 

God does have a plan in my life for my family and I.

Progress, frustrations, news, & smiles

I took advantage of Kyle being out last night, I went in and did my "mom" thing and changed his sheets to blue and made his bed and made it look all nice and neat.  His space is coming together.  Still need to get his dresser here and figure out how to divide the room.  But I got him a place to sleep, put his clothes and play his video games :)

Then I took a blanket that my dad had given to Kyle.  Kyle loves eagles.  I hung it where the open space is as you walk up the stairs so its blocked when you walk up and down, giving some privacy.  He came home and noticed and said thank you, that it was perfect and liked it hanging there.  That made my heart flutter with happiness to see that it made him happy.

So the other half is becoming more defined just have to work the perfect small cozy chairs and divider to make this a functional space.  Its all a work in progress...

FRUSTRATIONS:

He quite his job yesterday!

my ex-husband, the kids' dad

SCOTT!!!!

Its hard to be nice and kind when the grown man can't stand up on and try!

NEWS

Micah is going to be a grandpa!!

Dillon got out of jail and found out his girlfriend is pregnant!  Crazy but unfortunately its something that we always thought would happen, it was just a matter of time and which girl it would be.

SMILES

I came home to a notice on my door.

This was nice to see but I'm pretty sure it was rigged but I will take it just the same. I did pay my rent early.   See from the moment I got into this apartment the dryer has not worked as it should.  They have tried to fix it twice and still it was not drying.  Then I walked in to check to see about the washer and dryer again.  This last time around they said they would replace both and that it would be either Thursday or Friday. Well I was surprised they were doing both but I thought that was cool.  Well I walked int to look and they are replaced both with BRAND new ones!  I got a huge smile on my face and was actually looking forward to catching up on laundry.

So my day ended up pretty good after all.

As I was standing in the kitchen preparing dinner I started working on my next post here and said to myself "who really wants to know about my dryer problems or whatever, but then I said its about the little things that we live life daily.....thats what gets us closer to who God wants us to be....the things we deal with or live in the little moments of life :)" thats when I knew I was really going to continue to update you on the progress of my son's space and the dryer.....

Back to Basics and more.....

At Micah's I had a wipe off board to write down chores, grocery list and the menu for the week.  But now I'm changing it up some.  I have a cute cork board when you walk in behind the door.  Lol the only thing is to get the kids to look at the board.....

I made chicken fajitas, trying real hard to get back into cooking every night.  Kyle and I were the only ones that ate it.....the girls had made flat bread pizzas.  What can I saw its a start :) 

That messy picture is the starting processing of what soon will be a tiny living room area or a sitting area.  Not sure how it will work out yet but until then it looks like this, but it show me how much of the living room is left after creating a room/space for my son to come live with me.

I know I know its a mess but in that mess is my son.  He will be moving in with me.  Last night we started to create his space.  We are not done but we are working on it.  We have to figure out what to use to divide his space from a little area for sitting and relaxing and reading....oh wait I'm the only that still reads in this house for pleasure lol.  But really I want to create a little space that allows a space to hang out and chill and give my son his sense of space too.  

It seems it is taking a long time to settle into my new little apartment with my kids.  We are constantly moving things around but soon we should have a functional, cute little home.  I'm loving how I moved the dining room table and separated the bench from it.  It really opened up the space and looks more open.  We have an area to sit together and eat and then I have my little "office space".

I saw this picture on Karlee's snapchat from the other night. (its a fun app kids use to take pictures on and share with others what they have been up)  I love this picture!  I love how no matter where they find themselves (and yes I can't be with them 24/7 I can only pray and trust)  that when they see each other they are there for each other.  Sister & Brother.  Brother & Sister.  Makes my heart happy!

Fourth of July weekend

Friday after work I went home to relax.  My intention was to go over to Micah's get started on going through things but the girls and I went out to dinner instead and then home.

Saturday, Karlee had to work all day so Sara and I went over to Micah's and went through somethings.  I made a few loads of things.  Micah was home, he talked to Sara some and watched us go through things.  I was a little surprised but Micah wanted to the collage frames that I made with pictures of the kids and things we did as family.  It was fine with me, since I have to scrapbooks I made and access to the pictures if I wanted to re-print them.  

Sunday, Karlee and I spent the day together.  We walked around at the Art in the Park and then downtown.  We enjoyed these yummy salads at the Mix.  Karlee did a little shopping at the Basement, she really likes that store.

Well here is me on Monday, the 4th of July wearing red.  Karlee had to work after all, Sara was still at a friends house.  Sara had gone to the creek on Sunday with them. I slept in until about 8:00 and then got out of bed feeling a little sad and in a funk.  My dad crossed my mind several times, we always had so much fun out at Chaparral with the kids during the 4th of July and also we would celebrate his birthday.  (which is coming up on the 9th)  He loved getting sparklers for the kids.

I finally decided to get out and about and tell myself that I am a strong independent women that can go do things by herself.  I could go back to the Art in the Park again and sit in the grass and listen to music or ...... whatever it was I could do it.  I ended up going shopping, for things around the apartment.  I got in the mood and wanted to continue my mission of organizing!  

I got hungry while I was out and about and so I went to the mall to eat lunch.  I got a nice big yummy all beef hot dog with sauerkraut, and mustard on it with french fries and a pepsi.  I was satisfied since it felt like a true 4th of July meal :)  Then I went home to organize.

I found this yummy yellow watermelon at Sams.  None of the kids were around except Karlee briefly before she left with her friends.  I cut it up just the same and she grabbed some on the way out the door.  Her friend thought it was odd, that it was yellow.  Karlee and I said well its a Texas thing :)  To Karlee it was normal, her dad always looked for a sweet yellow watermelon.

I did some rearranging 

Karlee was at the Fireworks show with her friends and Sara was too.  I sat in the middle of the yard out by the pool here in the apartment complex and watched the fireworks too.  :)

My brother Jason and his wife Bea.  I had sent him a text message saying Happy 4th of July and he sent back their smiling faces.  He said they were on vacation visiting a lake.  They recently moved to Ohio so they were checking out the sites.  I enjoyed getting a picture and seeing how happy they are. 

My 4th of July ring :)

So I didn't cook for my family, and we didn't eat watermelon together and we didn't go to the pool together......

I did enjoy a 4th of July meal.  I didn't have to cook it and that was nice.  I went to the BBQ that was being put on by the CARES team here in the apartment complex.  There were several families and couples that had gone.  It was nice to see.  I said hi to Christy, she and her family are doing the CARES team until the end of summer, they have lived here for 3 years.  They are trying to buy a house.  It was nice to catch up briefly with her.

In the middle of my cupcake was this cute little star ring....

Later I enjoyed some time sitting on my porch enjoying the evening, listening to country music in the background reflecting on family and past 4th of Julys.

To be compatible or not?

"Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet?" Amos 3:3

This devotional in my email caught my attention this morning.  Talking about spiritual compatibility.

Yesterday by the time I got over to Micah's after visiting with a friend, he was home.  I thought he would be working but that was not the case.  Instead I walked in on him cooking breakfast (this was about noon) for himself and his brother Wyatt.  After we got passed the small talk and greetings I began to start looking through my things down stairs in the kitchen/dinning room area.  

Micah finished up cooking and he and Wyatt sat down and ate.  They ate right in front of me as if I wasn't even there.  My feelings were a little hurt but I just moved through it.  I made the statement that I would return (after only being there a short time) that I was going to go get something to eat and pick up Sara.  He didn't say anything and I walked out the door.  

It bothered me, I felt he was rude and selfish and insensitive.  I would have asked if he wanted some food, even though it wasn't planned, but I would have made it work.  I'm not sure what I would have said if he had asked but the idea of him asking would have been nice.  My good ness we were "married" for 7 years!!!

The more I'm away from him the more I see the disconnect we had and its confirmation that I do and will keep moving forward.

Sooooo back to the devotional, I'm sure by now you can see where I'm going with about being spiritually compatible.  (which soon showed its self about a 1year into the marriage) but anyways....

This statement got my attention:  "A spiritually compatible spouse or friend is a gift from God to encourage, exhort, strengthen , and hold each other accountable."

It went on to suggest to access the spiritual compatibility around the following questions.

1.  Who does this person serve?

2.  What spiritual value do they bring to the relationship? (drawing closer or further from God)

3.  Where do they draw their spiritual strength?

4.  Why do they want to be in a relationship with you?

5.  When do they make time for God in prayer and Bible Study?

How is this relationship developing your spiritual maturity?

Has it been a hinderance to your faith?  Well it has been stressful but it has help me grow closer to the Lord.  I'm thankful for that, even though I can't understand why I wasn't blessed with spiritual compatibly in this relationship.  I will not try to figure it out other than to be thankful for the growth in my relationship with the Lord and the key people that have come along side me to support me in this relationship.  I will pray that in the future it will be bring a spiritual companion into this faith journey of mine.

A busy evening

I left working thinking it would be a relaxing evening at home, and enjoy time with Kyle, he decided to spend the night.  My evening went a little like this.....

Got off work
Went to the grocery store to get the ingredients to make shepherds pie for dinner
Went home made dinner, put in the oven and asked Kyle to watch it and take it out and he and his sister Sara could eat.

I left and went to go take Karlee something to eat for dinner at work.  I have told her to plan ahead better but....so being the nice mom that I am I took her some food with the warning that this would not happen again and she needs to plan better and all that.

Then from there I went by Micah's.  Yes Micah's.....I know I know...
Well here is the latest which doesn't surprise me and shouldn't surprise you either.  Dillon was arrested and sitting in jail.  Micah and his half brother Wyatt decided to go through Dillon's room, because once again Micah was having issues with him getting into things that doesn't belong to him.  About mid-afternoon Micah sent me a message with a picture of a necklace and asked me if I have seen it before.  I had, because it was in some jewelry that came from my Nana.  He suspected that and said that I probably should come by and look in Dillon's stuff to see what else he may have taken that could be mine or the kids.

I get there to find a good size pile on Dillon's bed of things that belonged to Micah.  Soon I had a pile to match.  It was crazy to see what all he had taken.  It was frustrating and upsetting but also I had to shake my head back and forth in wonder too.  He has a problem with taking things, this was obvious this time from the strange variety of items that he had accumulated that wasn't his.

After that Micah and I ended up talking, just talking about random things.  On my way out he let the dog out and we stood there for a good length of time talking more....He said he has missed me, that he misses his "movie buddy" and someone to talk to.  I could agree with the someone one to talk to, because I really do miss talking to him.  I finally left and was home around 8:30, by now I had gotten a few messages from both Kyle and Sara wondering where I was at.

Then this morning I laid in bed before finally getting my day going realizing that I had planned on meeting up with a few friends with Thirty One at Bookmans around 6:00.....I was disappointed that I actually forgot.  Well that day is over and new one is now so I'm going to get this one going by heading out the door to work.

I did enjoy walking down the stairs this morning to find my boy sleeping :) that made my heart happy.