Why do I do what I do. Hope!

Last night I wrote this:

Like a big dummy out to torture herself I guess....

I sent Micah a message about how it won't be the same going to the Celtic Festival this year without him and how much I enjoyed our time spent together when we would go.  I'm not sure what I was hoping for but I think more than "yup" and then telling me that you bought a bottle of good wine, the brand that you would every so often splurge on and share with me.  Really! Well go enjoy it then!

Well if that wasn't enough I went on to send another text message to only get no response back! It was a long one too. Then I pushed some and his reply was "I'm in the middle of dinner".

I guess I was trying to fish a little to see what I would catch with a small chance of hope to once again not to catch anything! I have never really been a good fisherman. I suppose it doesn't really surprise me and I only set myself up for more disappointment and upset feelings.  

I think I'm really done now! Done torturing myself....done hoping.

It's time see this through and accept it.  It's time to take that huge step and then hurry back to grab a hold of my heavenly fathers hand and let him lead me and comfort me.

TODAY-Tuesday:

I woke up feeling a little better than yesterday, a little less emotional so I thought.  I get to work and start my day but then after 10 mins of being there I sent this message to Micah:
Good morning. So how was your dinner?  I was hoping you would respond to my message last night. But I guess when I push for you to share I end up in tears...I hate wanting to hear things of mutual feelings from you that really don't seem to be there.  I'm sorry for bothering you if you are at work.  Just had to get it out of my system so I can start my day at work.  Hope you have a nice day at work.  Take care.

Then he sent his reply:  Good morning! Don't know what to say the we haven't already said.  You know I love you and always will.  Just not in the way you need or deserve.  Anyway hope you have a good day.  :)

Its like I was crushed all over again....
I did fight back the tears....okay I let a few out.  The only thing I said to myself was "Well at least he feels I deserve more" Then I did my best the rest of the day to keep busy busy.  After lunch I was better and knew that those papers I started to fill out will be finished and sent off soon.

I got through the day.
I'm feeling a little sad but better knowing that closer is coming soon just a few more steps.  This has been such a process and continues to be.  Healing is what will take time to heal and get back into things.

I think I just had to know for sure that it really is over between us.
I'm okay and it will be alright.