A Dreary Looking Day

I don't know what it is about dreary looking days, there is something almost mysterious about them with a little sadness mixed in too.  Below is a picture of what it looks like right now just out my front door.  It looks cold and somber and feels that way to me inside emotionally.

As I look outside while the house is quite many thoughts come forward.....missing my dad, Micah and his mood and not working, what will this week bring, will I find a good job, my kids, only a short time before Dillon enters back into our lives, feeling a little alone despite all around me.....so many thoughts and feelings that are hard to find the words to describe but the Lord knows them.

Maybe this moment is a good moment to share with you what this session of the Ladies Bible Study is going to be on.

The first chapter was about "what if", it was an interesting chapter.  The author actually stressed me out during most it.  Just reading how anxious and worried she was since she was so itty bitty was stressful and sad.  Thinking about it now I can't help but wonder what someone from the outside would think about my "what ifs".  They are so real to us in the middle of it all but really it just takes a moment to gain a different perspective through another's eyes or through Christ.

I feel like my life is full of "what ifs" right now.  I'm trying real hard to give it all to the Lord and let Him help guide me through them and lead me where I need to go.  It's not easy, its a daily and moment to moment thing to do.

I pray that in every circumstance I will choose You Lord over hopelessness, and that I will know even to the core of my being that You are working on my behalf.  You have in store for my life.  I pray my days will be filled with gratitude as You turn the unlikely into the obvious.  Lord, I love You....unspeakably so.  Thank you.  (I changed up a prayer that the author had at the end of the chapter and made it my own)

As I was looking at my phone to upload the two pictures above I discovered someone had gotten a hold of my phone.....She is a bright corner of my life and I'm very thankful I have such a gift as my Sara Bear!

The rest of the week

It was neat to watch Micah share pictures of his life to his little, and much younger half brother.  Wyatt is only a month older than Dillon (Micah's son)

I finally found use for my square tote from Thirty One and to share that I'm getting back into making my cards.  It was good to hear that they have been missed.

Tuesday I went to the Ladies Bible Study, a new session has started up.  I didn't realize how much I have missed it and the ladies.  I shared with them how I felt through a few tears, it was just too overwhelming I couldn't help it.

Gordy's graveside service was on Wednesday. It was a beautiful service.  My life has been blessed with the privilege of being involved in caring for a sweet man.

My plan for next week.....submit resume and applications for the next "job" in my path.

A Bittersweet Gift

Thank you daddy for my car.  I wish I didn't have to give you up to have it but I know you are happy that you could bless my life with it.  I miss you so much.  This morning was hard.  Its been several days now that the car has sat in the garage and not the van so that has made it really real.....I miss you.

Sara found this song some how a few weeks after her Papa died and I shared with her this morning how I was missing him and my thoughts and she shared this song with me.  I think its a nice little song....

Journeys just beginning

His journey began at 3:20 yesterday afternoon....to be reunited with his bride and his Heavenly Father.  I know three sisters who loved their dad very much.  They took such good care of him in his last days.  I'm grateful for being a part of that task.

Life is full of journeys, once reached then an new one begins until each of us can get closer to our final journey with the Lord and receive a new body.

Many of us are left here behind as our loved ones has left before us.  It gives us the opportunity to continue on the journey of love.  Learning to love others a Christ had first loved us.  It gives us time to grow closer in our relationship to the Lord.

It's time for me to begin a new journey, a new job, new hopes, new opportunities, new moments to learn and grow to love others and to forgive.

I'm praying daily for the Lord to show me the things I need to see each day.  I'm praying for his continuing provision for me and the things I need in my life to care for my family. I'm praying for his strength and wisdom in the beginning my new journey.

For some all this may sound a bit dramatic but not for me.  I'm 42 years old, I have three teenagers, one that will graduate this year and wants to go to college.  That alone is enough to sigh real big and wonder "how"  But God is good and He has the plan and the all details worked out.  I just need to seek Him and do my part to be open to what He has planned for me each moment, and day....

4 words spoken

"It's okay to go daddy"
those are words I spoke to my dad three months ago.  Those are words I just heard spoken from a very dear friend of mine to her daddy.  Those words are hard to say and hard to hear but they speak volumes.

They are words of love,
words of saying its alright
words of letting go and releasing to our Heavenly Father
words that will begin the grieving process.....
and eventually words that will heal and comfort our sad hearts.

As much as we want to be selfish and have our loved one remain with us here on earth we have to let go and allow them to leave us knowing that they will be alright up beside our heavenly father and we will be alright down here on earth with our heavenly father....we are all still together....

What's "Next"?

If we look forward to something we don't yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.  Romans 8:25

Lately I have been doing some thinking about the "next" in my life.  What will the next "job" be?  What will things look like when my daughter goes to college next year?  What about when I have another driver to worry about (Kyle can get his license next month)?  What is "next" in my life?

I have decided to really focus on not stressing out about it and trying to let God handle it, after all he has the plan and control over it all.  I will take one day at a time.  I will look for the joys and blessings around me.  I will wait and trust in the Lord that I will know the "next" when I need to know it and move towards it with Him by my side.

I do find myself reminding myself of these things often.....but that is okay, I give myself grace in all this too.  :)

Saturday Sweet Moments

God is so good.  God is so great!

Its 10:30 am on this Saturday morning and it has already been a great morning :)

Connie & I met up at 7:30 get Jane's dad up and ready for the day.  Within a half hour of being there Jane walked in her front door.  All was happy....even the dog.  

We all greeted each other and enjoyed coffee, and breakfast and talking around Jane's kitchen table.  Then we all surrounded Gordy and took pictures with him and enjoyed a small devotional and song together.  It was so nice.

A super way to start off the day!

Sweet moments to look back on as the day continues.....

Happy Saturday

Not only is the sun shinning in the blue sky and over the snow kissed mountain and trees, it is shinning in my heart. 

Breakdown, Prayers & Blessings

Yesterday Breakdown

Yesterday I felt like I would crack at any moment and break open with a flood of words and tears and then fall into a ton of pieces.

I've been thinking about so many things again, one of them being looking for another job. I know it was coming and that is one thing but when I add that to another cycling of what my relationship is and isn't with my husband its a ton of stuff on top of that......  I do that after so long, get down and out and want something to change.

I went up the road about mid-morning to take something to Micah that he forgotten and needed to be able to get to work.  He actually noticed...that I was in a funk and asked me what was wrong.  I only shared the surface concern, about starting again with a different job and not sure what I was going to do and brought up about the health insurance again, how that is stressing me out too.  He didn't say much, he kept it light and said well go get a waitress job so I could earn tips under the table and get Scott to fill out things online with the state to see if we could get the girls covered.  I frowned and said see you later and went home.

I walked into the house, went upstairs and got in the shower and I started crying, and crying and crying.  It almost felt good to cry.  No one was home....I stood in the shower talking to God and asking him questions and shouting out all that was in my head and heart.    I pulled myself together and got ready for the day.  I went downstairs and fixed a cup of tea and sat on the couch staring out the window for a little while.

I finally started to do things to get my mind off of all that and go online to check out my page for my Thirty One Customers.  I grabbed a notebook after setting the computer aside and started to write "I can do all things through Christ", I can be strong through Christ, I can learn something new through Christ, I can be confident through Christ, I can make changes and be alright through Christ.  I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST!

It was at that moment I felt a little better, a little stronger, and a little ready to start figuring things out without fear.  I guess you could say that was the good thing that came out of a "breakdown".

Early This Morning (Prayers)

The dog wanted out at 4:45 am, I was laying awake trying to go back to sleep from getting up to go to the bathroom,  but got up to take him out.  About 5:00 my daughter sends me a message to let me know that they called it a snow day, and no school.  I laid in bed trying to get all snuggled back in the cozy covers to go back to sleep, but instead my mind woke up and thoughts started running around.  I began to pray and sent it all up to him about my worries about not working much this week and wondering if I would be the rest of the week and if I didn't what would I do and then trying to be thankful for the down time and to help me ease into what is around the corner and on and on and on....At 6:00 my phone rang and it was a recorded message from the school announcing the snow day.  I guess I finally drifted off to sleep shortly after that when I got a message on my phone at 7:00 letting me know that I was needed today after noon and tomorrow and Friday!  I was so happy to read that message.  On that note I decided to just get out of bed and not try to go back to sleep and go enjoy some quite time downstairs.

Boldness from the breakdown and prayers

Later in the morning before I went downstairs to help Angelia with the kids and before Micah headed out the door to work (around 9:00 am) I went to Micah to him know about another item on my mind....us.

Yep!  Long story short I started it off about life being too short and that we should let things go of what we think would be "perfect" of each other and just move past it and start really loving each other, desiring, wanting and cherishing.  It wasn't long that I was in tears and he didn't say much.  The little he spoke was things like "it was ingrained in him" "I don't know", "I'm sorry".  I told him that after 7 years that I was tired and wanted more and thought things should be more since we are a married couple and not be just roommates.  Only to walk away with the impression of it will be swept under the carpet again and time will go by.

It's 5:30 pm now and all I have decided to really focus on and do is to keep moving forward with God's strength, keep praying, and find a good job that will provide for me and my kids on my own.  Beyond that I do not know.  I don't know what that will bring in my life or not bring it but I have to start somewhere.

Blessings

Had a nice lunch with my daughter and friend at Wildflower yesterday.

Went to work in the afternoon

I got all that has been going on inside of me out for the time being.

I have a new focus

I know I can do all things with Christ in my life

Tomorrow is a new day








Today Prayers & Blessings

My Lord & I

A sweet friend of mine posted this picture above on her Facebook page.  It caught my attention as I read it over and over again for a moment.  I decided I wanted to be "selfish" too.

Selfish with the Lord and I, get a little focused and protective with my time with the Lord. Keep leaning on Him in all I do, say and think.

Its easy to fall into a funk, then it seems to lead into feeling overwhelmed.  I think the overwhelmed feeling comes when I try to stand and do on my own instead of with the Lord.

The Lord is my strength.  The Lord is how I'm going to be a little more selfish on improving the person He wants me to be.

I have some goals that I would like to accomplish this year and I need the Lord.

I can't be what others around me need me to be for them if I'm not what the Lord has created me to be for Him.

So however you want to take it, I'm going to be "selfish" this year with my Lord and Savior, but know I mean it a good way that will bring a better person within Him for myself and others.

Salvation is  not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.  For we are God's masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.  Ephesians 2:9-10

It is God who enables us, along with you, to stand firm for Christ.  He has commissioned us, and he has identified us as His own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he ha promised us.  2 Corinthians 1:21-22