Back to Normal

I returned from vacation with the kids on Saturday.  I took Sunday to relax and rest.  Monday was a little bit of errands to run, things to take care of and then more rest.  Today, being Tuesday was the first day I would consider getting back to normal or back into life after vacation. 

I headed for the church to go to Tuesday morning Ladies Bible Study.  I walked into the room, smiled and said hello and made my way to a table to put my stuff down.  It wasn't long before a few ladies came up to greet me and welcome me back after being gone out of town.  It was a nice feeling.  I was thinking I was doing a good job at being my "normal" self just like any other day.  I figured I had my smile on and that was that.

I was approached and discovered.  I couldn't hide it.  There was more than one woman that came to me and knew instantly that behind my smile I was struggling inside.  I briefly was comforted and made plans to expose myself later in the week at a time that I could let my smile drop into a frown and maybe shed a few tears.

I walked out of the bible study actually feeling really comforted and at peace knowing that I have been blessed with relationships in my life that have been developed through community.  I'm so thankful for the Tuesday morning bible study and the opportunities it brings to woman to share, and grow together.

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The rest of my day went on.  Again I thought I had it all together.  I made dinner and fed the family before heading out the door to a woman's ministry meeting.  As I drove over to the meeting I was aware that I wasn't quite happy and allowed myself to frown on the way over.  I soon discovered that I as time as gone on these last couple of days I'm really not doing well.  I'm more sensitive, my stomach hurts, my neck is aching and I sat there trying to get involved in something I feel really strongly about but found myself struggling with staying focused or involved.  It bothered me because I felt like I was being selfish and wanted to yell out and say I'm hurting here please help me.  But the meeting was planning on how to help others.  I finally pushed it aside and began to speak and input in the meeting.

Driving home from that meeting was when it really hit.  It hit hard and held back the tears, since I didn't want to have to explain to the kids or my family about why I was feeling so emotional.  I realized that ever since I had left for vacation I had been putting on a smile and pushing things aside around my family, trying to stay busy, not allowing quite time for my thoughts to develop.  But after going to Bible Study I know that when I'm not with family others are seeing how I'm not myself behind my smile.

I began to briefly let all the thoughts that I had pushed aside to develop and I continued to choke back the tears and while driving home I reached out to God and asked him to help me and prayed.  I told him that this was going to be harder than I thought and I asked him for a miracle.

I pulled into my drive way and got out of the van, took a deep breath and opened the door to my home and walked in like things were back to normal.

( I guess what I'm trying to express to you is that sadly I have hidden from my family and loved ones but because of the community and relationships/friendships that God has helped me to develop my sisters in Christ have not allowed me to hide.)