Lingering

What I have been struggling most is the lingering of the change.  I have so much still at Micah's to go through and either get rid of or try to squeeze into where I live now.  The other day I went over in the neighborhood to drop Sara off at her friend's house.  Micah was unloading groceries.  Of course I parked and went to say "hello" and followed him into the house.  I decided that I needed to have one of my pictures off of the wall in the bathroom that my mom had given me, butterflies :)  Micah had taken it down the other day for me and put it where I could reach it.  I wasn't there very long but in that time I noticed that Dillon was out on the balcony smoking pot with his girlfriend, Micah going to start dinner and shared with me again about the changes he wants to make in the dining area with a certain kind of table.  He didn't have much to say about what he has been up to other than work, eat, watch movies, sleep and start all over again.  Its crazy he wants to make all these changes in the house.....making it more lonely I guess.  But those are his choices now and its sad that not much has changed since I left.

I took my picture and left.  By the time I got home I felt a little bitter and sad, the lingering of it all is frustrating me I think.  My heart sank for a bit but then I soon pushed through and decided that this would be the weekend.  The weekend that I have a little extra time with it being 4th of July that I would go spend my time over at Micah's going through things.  Go through things that I'm keeping and setting it aside so that I can see how much it will be and then ask for some help from some friends to load it and bring it over to my apartment.  I can't do it all by myself, the girls don't know it yet but they are going to come and help to.  If I find myself alone at some point going through things and Micah is home I plan on plugging my ears with music and staying focus only looking at the pile of things I need to go through.  I have to get things to a point where I don't have things over there to have to go get someday.....lingering!

I think I have waited for a couple of reasons, the chore of doing it is not fun, taking and making the time, its easier to find an excuse not do it and then a lingering hint of hope that I was trying to hold on to, that deep down I was searching to find.  Its just not there.  I have decided to work at letting it go and know that things are really over.  Its hard to give up on hope but in this case I think it will be alright to do so.  I know that what Micah and I had wasn't a marriage as it should be, I'm not sure what it was, maybe just an arrangement of companionship and connivence of comfort but whatever it was its over and I'm pushing on.

Change has its ups and downs of emotions.