My Friday!

Good morning!  Today is my Friday and its only Thursday!  The office is closed tomorrow for Good Friday and I'm off!  I have a day off while the kids are in school.  You ask what am I going to do with it?  Well I'm going to spend the day with Ben!  When I found out that I'd have today off I asked him if he'd day a day off from work and spend it with me and also its been 8 months that we have been together so what a perfect day to celebrate and have some fun! 

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, I don't care what we do as long as we enjoy and have fun together!  Maybe we will spend the day in Sedona, enjoying the warmth and the sun, or go to the Grand Canyon....I don't know yet.

Today I don't think will be as profound as yesterday was but it will be a good day!  The kids are off to school, Kyle sounds awful with a cough and stuffy nose but he's hanging in there, and Sara well she is always tired lol.  I have fed my fish, Benny Boy Jr. so he is swimming around his little tank happy and content. 

I'm going to sit here in silence for a few moments and then write in my journal after reading a verse or two out of my bible and then get my work day started and head to work.  It looks like it will be a nice day outside, a little warmer than it has been lately. 

Surprise! Today will be a great day!

The moment you rejoice in a new day and let things go and embrace the joy of a new day at a great job.......and then you are blessed!

Today was a great day!

Its been 6 months that I've been working at my new job.

I approached my boss asking him if I could "bend his ear" for a few moments.  He said that would be fine, that he was going to talk to me too.  We went into the conference room and I said he could go first but he insisted that I go first.  I started off saying well its about my finances and options that you had mentioned before in our last meeting.  I told him things had improved and the kids were starting to take care of their bills to me but I was still stressed.  He began to tell me that I've been doing well and......and......we are increasing your pay rate by $2.00!  I was so happy and surprised, I almost cried.  That announcement made my day!  He suggested to see how that can help and improve things and then we can meet again if we need to evaluate how my mutual fund is set up and go from there.

I went back to my desk, filled with excitement and gratitude.  I sat for a minute staring out sort of in a daze just letting it all settle in.

After my boss left for the day I decided to go to each person in the office, the other two advisors and two others.  I went to tell each of them how thankful I was for being apart of this team.  I think I surprised a couple of them but it all was received well and that was that.  

I really like my job!  I feel like part of a team, a family and I feel valued.

Safeway Parking Lot Before Work

I have time before I get to work to run into Safeway to grab a bagel to eat at my desk this morning.  Before going into the store I sat in the parking lot typing out my things that ran through my head and that I was feeling.  The words below are from the note pad in my phone.

"I feel like I'm at a place of release.  Releasing the emotions that have held me captive in a place of anxiety and discouragement and failure.  But I feel like something has clicked or switched or dumped out and I can feel it leave me.  I know its odd and sounds crazy but I can't help it.  It really feels like something is leaving me and I'm starting to feel awaken.  Like my soul can breathe and fly free with a renewed hope in this crazy life I have and this crazy world I live in and take care of my family in.
 I feel alive!

The songs continue.....

I finally feel strong enough to listen again to Christian music.  When the music stirs in my heart and emotions flood I turned my back and shut my heart down because I haven't wanted to deal with the emotions and thoughts and things that it brings.  I think of being unworthy, not whole and a failure and weak.  But now I cranked up the radio on the way to work and every song that came on spoke to me like it was picked out just for me!  I feel strong!  I feel alive I feel His power!  I do feel like crying but I think that would be more a an emotional release but I have to set it aside for now since I'm sitting here at the Safeway paring lot before I drive over to work after picking up a bagel to eat this morning.

I was set to walk into the office, to smile and feel happy and be happy.  I didn't know what the day would bring but it didn't matter with the renewed feeling I was feeling inside.

Worship & Praise on the way to work

"Peacefully trusting, peacefully resting"  I said this to myself over and over as I walked out to my car this morning to head to work.  My mind was full of thoughts since I had just written a post and I couldn't shut down despite having to go to work.

I get into the car and then I put my phone close to my mouth so that I could talk into my notes and driving to work.  Below came from my notes in my note section on my phone. 

"Peacefully resting and resting with my heavenly father since I lost my dad and I was thinking about him and losing my cushion that was provided because of that which shows how someone else continued to take care of me after the fact thats really gone and thats another loss another thing to lose and grieve but at the same time I can rejoice because its released me to continue to lean on my heavenly father and my heavenly father is the one thats in control and knows my life and knows whats going to be in it and what will happen and will not happen and I have continue to rest and lean and trust in my heavenly father look up Lord look upward to Him."

As I pulled out of my apartment complex, this song came on and I turned it up loud listening to each word, it was the perfect song for the moment.

Peaceful & Trusting

Today I woke up feeling rested on all levels.  It seems these days on a daily basis I'm constantly looking at my bank account and figuring this out and that out and trying to hold onto the idea of security.  Its worn me down and I've had enough.  I'm going to rest in the Lord.  The Lord has a plan and he provides for my needs and my family.  The sense of security is in my heavenly father.  As I've reflected recently the Lord is in my life through the ups and downs and has always brought me to the other side of the storms in my life into the sunshine of hope and joy and my faith continues to grow in Him.

The idea of having an emergency fund and being debit free and having good credit is driving me crazy!  The whole idea is great!  I'm just going to do my best to make sure I have a roof over my head for me and my children, food on the table, clothing to wear and transportation the rest will just have to be placed as God sees it in his will to do so.  I can only do so much in my power and my own strength.

Its crazy at 44 years old how I continue to learn lesson in life that has taken me to this point in my life.  I've been researching credit and how to improve and how important it is that it had consumed me for a bit but now I've chilled out some and will take all that to help teach my children of what to do and not do and how to.

The day is coming real soon when I will have to stand on my own two feet depending only on the Lord to see things to the next.  My cushion will be gone.  I will have to stand on my own.  My children will have to learn some hard things as they continue on their journey with making decisions involving money and their future and I won't really be able to "rescue them",  like I've been rescued over and over again in my life.  Its amazing how character qualities that you have had to learn and grow into over time can be such a blessing later on in life, all the trials and storms can impact your life both in the negative and the positive.  Over time as each storm has passed the negative is worked through, healing or forgiving has taken place then the living in the joy that was learned grows into a stronger faith with an abundance of hope always lingering in the background to keep things moving forward as we wake up day to begin again.

Its been an interesting two years since my dad past and my 2nd marriage ended but now I can sit here feeling at peace.  I'm not saying things are perfect and that I'm stress free and that all is in place......heck no!  By no means are things as they should be but are they ever as they should be, as each of us think they should be...no and if they were then life would be boring and a drag and we wouldn't learn anything or grow more into who the Lord has created us to be.

Spring Forward Into Joy

Tonight I'm not sure what has stirred up the past with the present, the old with the new but my mind drifted.  As I let my mind and emotions drift into the past to reflect I was suddenly was consumed with inspiration.  I pulled up a blank page in google docs and began listing my thoughts one by one.  I have always had a desire and dream of writing a book.  I'm not sure if that is what will come out of all this but I am inspired and feel strong and ready to dig deep and to explore and write down my story.

My Story Lived and Felt

1. Write about Divorce (Scott and Micah)
2. Cult like behavior (Matt)
3. Manipulation (Ronnie)
4. Selfish and victim mentality (Scott)
5. Narcissistic (Micah)
6. Stockholm syndrome(Micah)
7. Emotional Abuse
8. Toxic people
9. Loss and Grief
10. Loneliness
11. Depression and being functional
12. Stress, Anxiety and Chronic Pain
13. Single mom in marriage and Single mom on my own
14. Being a parent in the mix of it all, giving of myself as a mom when empty at times
15. Starting over
16. What a normal relationship looks like (Ben)

I sat for a long time staring at the screen of my computer looking at the list. I couldn't really find the words to describe what I was feeling. But it doesn't scare me to look at it. I felt strong. I know hope and I feel peace. I know that I didn't go through any of it alone and I know that the only way I was able to live after being broken down through out my journey to this present day and into the unknown of the future was because I gave my life to the Lord and every day I'm grateful.

The second list below is the brighter side to it all. The light shining at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

Living, Growing and Healing

1. The Lord and Heavenly Father
2. Faith
3. Trust and Hope
4. Prayers
5. Fellowship and the right people surrounding you and embracing you, encouragement
6. Giving to others
7. Encouraging and helping others helped me
8. Healing and Forgiving
9. God’s strength and peace
10. Broken
11. Refined
12. Restored
13. Renewed
14. Living life, cherish each moment, be more intentional

This third list I wrote down quickly and couldn't help but feel like its a summary all wrapped up. I think some of them listed could be the title of a chapter or section of my story, or a main title. The first one listed really stands out to me.

Emotionally living and loving

Living and Loving in the Storms of Life

Embracing change

Grabbing at Hope

Linger in Peace

Grow in Grace

Be Broken and Live

Trust, breathe and walk

Let go

Keep moving forward

Smile, Cherish, Learn, Give and Live

I had to take a break to go pick Sara up from Volleyball practice. When I came back I pulled up my blog and began looking at some of the past posts. I went all the way down to the first one, ironically it was in March. March of 2010, I actually started this blog with the day my Nana died. I decided to go to each month of March from each year since then and read through them. I read through every March listed, it was interesting and it did stir up some memories but they didn't bring me down. Instead they showed me that through it all there was always joy.

No matter what the blog post was about, negative, sad, or indifferent there was always something that directed back to joy, hope, trust and faith. I'm so thankful that my story has had the Lord's hand in it through and through.

Pictures of March

I'm addicted to aromatherapy!  I love my diffuser and my collection of essential oils.

Sara and Claire what a pair!

Silly Ben :)

This hurt so bad! I was pealing potatoes with a potato peeler.....

I thought it would never stop bleeding.

Not sure why that day I chose to take a selfie, I must have thought my hair came out good lol and then a pic of me without and then with my glasses.  Silly me :)

My favorite LuLa Roe combination is the Carly dress with Leggings!  So comfy and very stylish.

Copied this pic of Kyle from his instagram, he was out with his buddies one day.  I can't help but wonder what he is thinking.  Big changes are around the corner.....he will graduate from high school soon.  What will be next on his journey?

Ben is the sweetest :) His message is in the gray box.

A friend of mine is selling some awesome vintage fun jewelry, I have enjoyed all that I've gotten.

Yes it did snow in March.

Now its time for Spring, but its still been windy and cold.

This brings us to yesterday, Sara had a volleyball tournament in Tempe.  Karlee went with us this time so we went up earlier in the day and browsed at one of the malls before the tournament.  I had to take a picture of this pretty butterfly made out of legos!  Isn't is amazing :)

Sara serving.

Well today is Sunday, March 25th, March is almost over.  I'm not sure where the month went but soon the kids will be out of school for the summer.  This week is a short work week for me.  I have Friday off, and Ben asked for it too.  The kids are in school, so I thought it would be fun if he and I planned a day together, not sure yet what we are going to do, maybe go to Sedona for the day, but whatever we do we will enjoy each other's company, smile and laugh.  Lost of laughs with Ben, I love it!  We also will celebrate being together for 8 months :)

Starting next month in April I need to get serious with Kyle's graduation preparation, design and order the announcements, set the place and time for his party, work on his scrapbook.  I better get busy!

This last week of March should be uneventful, kids go back to school after being off last week for Spring Break and then we move on into April.