I begin to move forward and then I decide to take a detour and that is the worst thing I can do at this point.
I have a job now that starts at the beginning of April. Its with Farmers Insurance. I will be a CSR, a customer service representative. I will work behind the front the desk, being the first person to see when you walk into the office. Along with that I'm going to get licensed to sell insurance, which is exciting! I will have a base pay and then if I write a policy or sell a product then I will earn commission, so its a win win kind of thing! I have to take an online course and pass a test.....a little nervous but excited!
The next thing to do is to find a new place to live that I will be able to afford. That is going to be a challenge but I keep giving it to God. He will provide.
Then the next item would be to divorce my husband.....and that is where the detour begins. I don't want another divorce, I really really don't.
I invited him out to dinner last Friday and we met up and had a nice dinner at the Golden Dragon, we both really love Chinese food. I don't know what l was thinking.....well actually I do and it failed and I was crushed. The conversation was light until I asked a few questions and of course got honest answers from him. I wanted to walk away feeling or seeing some hope, a desire or an urge to want to make things better between us. I was a fool to think that, because nothing changed during the last 7 years why would they now. But I really wanted to hang on to hope and there was none! None absolutely nothing there! For him it was over and has been for a long time now.
Since that evening I began to tell myself over and over that it was over and that it was a good thing and that things will be alright. Well telling and believing are two very different things.
On Sunday I decided I wanted the dog for the day so I brought Bosco over to hang out with. Sara had a hard time wanting to take him back to Micah's but we managed. I think I needed a dose of dog therapy lol, it was soothing and relaxing to play with him, and then cuddle with him on the couch and pet him over and over.
I really enjoyed going for a walk with him.
Monday rolls around, I begin looking online for a new place to live, just looking but not really getting into it.
Tuesday, yesterday comes along and I go to the ladies bible study and then on my way home I had the really bad idea to go by where Micah is working to "say hi". That is one detour again that I should not have taken! This detour has done some damage this time to my emotions! ugh so I went and said hi and followed him around while he worked and we small talked about things and Dillon. Dillon is up to being himself again its frustrating Micah. Then feeling very weak I proceeded to tell Micah how much I hate all this and that I miss him and love him and want things to be different. Once again knowing that they will not be different because he says again that he is not attracted to me and that hasn't changed and won't ever and that I could come back to live as friends but I wouldn't be happy because I want to be loved in a way that he can't do. He said I need to move on and find someone else that would really be happy with all of me and appreciate me and all that. He gave me a hug and said he was sorry, sorry that he was such a jerk. I held it together as best as I could and said good bye and got in the car.
In the car I began to lose it! I quickly sucked back in the tears only to drive around the corner of where he was working and pulled on the side of the street and began to cry hard and harder!! After a few deep breathes I managed to drive home and run to my bed and curled up in a ball to continue to cry. I wanted to cry, that is all that felt right at the moment was to cry it all out! Once again focusing only on how shallow and selfish he is and that after 7 years all he can focus on his my outward physical appearance of my body! He loves and likes the person, the friend but nothing more of me!
Then I stopped crying and moved on to anger. I think this was the first time since I started on this journey that I felt anger. At first I directed it to myself, calling myself a fool and stupid idiot but then I did......I really did begin to direct it to the Lord. I know I feel bad about it now. I began to shout out and ask him what the purpose was for so long being with him and why and how could he allow me to suffer from such a heartache as this. Mostly wanted to know why and what was the point of me growing and trying all these years being with Micah and trying to be a family with him and his son.
I got up and ran a wash cloth under cold water and went to lay down to my eyes with the cool cloth and began to take several deep breaths. I was finally calm and I laid there in the dark of my room with a cool cloth covering my eyes. I wasn't crying anymore and I wasn't really thinking of anything either. I felt numb inside and out.
After a few minutes I got up and covered my splotchy red face with a little foundation and powder and put mascara back on and then I went to the living room and picked up my phone to call again to try to register for that insurance course I need to start learning. This time I didn't have to wait long, registration complete. Gathered up my keys to head out the door to go pick up Sara from school......
Later Sara made a comment about how my eyes looked so tired and irritated. Well they were because of my allergies have been driving me crazy for the last couple of days but I looked at her and confessed. I told her they were extra bothered because I had been crying today. The look on her little sweet face changed to concern and wondered why. I told her what I did and she gave me a huge hug and told me I shouldn't have done that and said "mom stop doing that and let things go with him, you deserve so much more".
The rest of the evening went on.....and today is Wednesday a new day. I continue to feel numb and sort of avoiding the events of yesterday. I don't feel like reflecting back and dealing with the reality of it all right now. I know its there to deal with and I will. I think I've cried out all the tears. I've talked to God and asked him to forgive me for shouting out to him and questioning me. I will keep moving forward and trusting in Him.
I'm going to start that online course and focus on that and the steps forward of finding a new place to live and nothing more than all that for now.
