It's Still not Over

I can't believe that on October 15th when I had a hysterectomy that I would still be going through something from it!  This has been one long process and it's not over yet.  I thought that after this last surgery on December 16th to fix the damage from the surgery in October that I would be feeling better by now.

That is not the case.  I now have a collection of fluid that has built up against my bladder where they had worked on during this last surgery.  I have been in constant pain for a few days now.  At first we thought it was from the stent that was placed there and will be there for a month.  That is there to help the ureter to heal but it also causes pain, spasms, and discomfort.

There seems to be an infection going on right now that they are treating with medicine.  I had a CT Scan yesterday and that is how we found the collection of fluid.  They seem puzzled by it and not sure what to do about it and hope that it came about from an infection and will clear up soon on its own, in the meantime it causes pain and makes me miserable.

I've been resting often and laying down and sleeping.  I don't feel like doing much else.  My stomach isn't quite like it used to be so there are times I don't want to eat or I feel yucky after I eat.  I'm tired all the time.  I'm very frustrated about all this.

But I still hang on to knowing that God gives his people strength, and peace.  I'm trusting God and I have hope.

Being a Parent

Being a parent is not easy.  It is the most rewarding task but its not easy.  Being a parent is sometimes not being there friend and making them unhappy when you care about them so much.

For example my 16 year old daughter asks if she can go over to a friend of a friend of her friend Coral's house to watch movies.  Well I don't know this person and I need details, so I start asking questions.  The more I asked the more she wasn't happy.  I wanted this kid's parent's phone number so I could verify that all this was alright and that there would be parents present.  That is when she went off and said that she wouldn't go and that she would be one of those loser kids not going anywhere cool.  All because I wanted to call the parents.  She finally said that she didn't want to go maybe because she didn't want to be around her friend Coral.  Seriously.......

I know this isn't finished.  I know this kind of thing will come up again but I have to be the parent.  I do what I do because I love her and care about her.

A 17 step-son who has a disconnect in his head and doesn't think things through to make better choices who has been sitting in jail since Friday and gets out tomorrow at 6:00 am because he wasn't where he said he would be when his PO came by to check on him.

A 16 year old daughter who so badly wants to come and go and drive but doesn't have a job yet to help pay for the insurance.  Who compares herself to others and therefore is constantly disappointed because her friends and others around her have things given to them.

A 13 year old boy who is in between of growing up, learning who he is and still being a little guy at times. The stage that now it's too cool to hug or kiss me.....but does come around eventually :)

A 11 year old little girl who trys so hard to be like her older sister and wants so much to be a big kid....but she is my baby and I have to "sit on her" at times to get her to slow down and be a kid.

I know one thing is for sure I can't be a parent without God's help.  He is what gets me through all of these moments and then some.

Being a parent isn't easy on your own but it can be done with God's help.

My Childhood Christmas Memories

My Papa and I

I loved that yellow little rocker

back in the day when tinsel was the thing to put on your tree.  I remember it sticky to my fingers, hard to get off onto to the tree.

My weeble wobbles!  I loved them

My little brother Jason

My projector :)

My brother & I (Jason)

My Dad 

My two grandmothers (Grandmother & Nana)

I loved that doll house...the elevator was the best

My mom (I really hope my brother isn't picking his nose...)

I played with that sticky playset for hours.....

I'm not sure why I wanted to go down memory lane with you but I enjoyed it.  I guess I can't help but think about how so many things have changed in this world since I was little and then I look at my children.  I had so many good times at Christmas time with my family.  I can only hope that my children can say the same thing too.  It seems like Christmas was easier to do when they were smaller.  I love starring off into the glow of the Christmas lights on the tree.  I wish the wonderful salt dough ornaments that my mother had made years ago were still around (they crumbled up as the years went by)  Looking back Christmas was family even if God was only in the background instead of how he is at the center of my life now with my family.  Christmas is Family.  Christmas is Love
Thank you Jesus for this precious gift.

One more time

Tomorrow I have to go in for surgery.  I hope this will be the last time.  I really want to be fixed up and go on with life.  I'm not looking forward to it in a way because of starting over in feeling bad and healing and being in the hospital.

I will let you know how it all works out in a few days, until then take care.

Mixed Feelings & Tears

This is Cassie.  She was my husband's dog.  He and his son Dillon had gotten her as puppy about 6 years ago.  She was an interesting, high maintenance, finicky little dog.  She could easily stress herself out, especially if you dared to travel with her.  She loved her "daddy" and Micah loved her very much.

Sara has a heart for animals so she loved Cassie too.  The boys loved her too.  Karlee on the other hand....well let's just say that it was mutual love and hate relationship.  Karlee is the one that for the last 3 years has "tried to kill" her with chocolate, not on purpose but this dog loved chocolate and could smell it a mile a way.  Chocolate makes dogs very bug eyed, sick and crazy, but Cassie survived each time.

My relationship with her well.....I have to admit as silly and stupid as it sounds I guess you could say that I was jealous of her.  Yes jealous of a dog!  Crazy uh?  Well it just seemed that my husband loved that dog more than me and showed it love more than me too.  She could be quite comforting at times.  She knew when I was upset and would come get in my lap.  If "daddy" wasn't around I was second best then she's tolerate the kids.   She was always under my feet in the kitchen and I would step on her many times.  She'd get into trash cans around the house too.  But she did have a small part of heart too.

Cassie was a good dog to my husband.  She brought many happy memories to him, comforting him, and soothing him when stressed and entertained him too.  She will be missed.  I'm not sure how that empty hole in his heart will be filled.

She had been dying of cancer for a while now, and slowly was getting worse.  Micah came home last night from being out of town and knew then that today would be the day that he would have to say his final good bye to his sweet "angel"  (It use to drive me crazy when he would call her an angel)  So we all loaded up as a family this afternoon and headed to the clinic to put her to rest.  By the time we all left everyone was in tears....even me :)

Coffee, Frienship & Crafts

Today was a great day.  It was relaxing, not rushed.  I met my friend Bridget at Late for The Train for coffee, and we shared a cinnamon roll.  The conversation was good.  It was nice to continue to get to know each other.  After that we were off to the craft fair at The Peaks Assisting Living Center.  It was great, there were so many talented people there displaying their things that they had made.  I enjoyed the photography booths the best and got a few business cards and talked with them too.  Bridget and I did a little shopping as we browsed around.  I walked away with a couple small paintings and a really neat photo ornament.  I enjoyed walking around looking at things so much.  It made me a little sad for a moment....wishing my mom lived closer so that we can do things like this...we love going to craft things.  I told Bridget how much it made me happy that she asked me to do this with her, it was nice.

While there I ran into a few clients that had taken care of while working with Comfort Keepers.  It was great to see some of them and then sad to see others.  There were a few that have declined since I had seen them last.  I found myself missing my job some.  I enjoy the people I help I just don't enjoy the people that run the office and scheduling part of it.

Its been such a blessing since the Lord has placed Bridget in my life.  I look forward to our friendship growing.  Thank you Lord and thank you for the beautiful view out back of the Peaks Assisting Living Center.

Before leaving that area I had to drive around back and capture the view back there.

My Baby Girl

My Baby isn't a baby anymore.  She turned 11 years old on Sunday Dec. 8th.  All she wanted to do so badly was go to The Wildflower Bread Company and enjoy a bread bowl with potato soup while celebrating with a few friends.  It was a struggle but we made it happen and she was one happy little girl.

I can't help but think how grown up she looks....can you tell her big sister helped her with her outfit.

Her daddy stopped by real quick to wish her a happy birthday.

Kyle hates to take pictures.  The only way this happened was because Karlee jumped up in the middle real quick and I shot the picture of all three of my beautiful children.  Would have been perfect had Kyle looked at the camera and smiled but then that wouldn't really be how life goes right....

I love my baby girl.

Micah loves my baby girl too..

Silly girls.  Micah can be a such a big kid too.  Loving the memories that have been created.

Moments in a day

enjoyed the lights at Little America

Moments of watching my daughter and her friend have fun making their own memories.

I love our laughing reflection

Moments of mother and daughter....she still wants me....needs me :)

This was taken on my phone....not very good but you can see the moment I'm thinking of....my sweet sweet girl

Moments of enjoying the sound of my son's voice when he comes home after school and walks upstairs saying "hi mom".

Moments of getting a hug from my step-son before I leave him for the weekend at jail....yes I said jail for the weekend.  He continues to make bad decisions while being on intensive probation.  I just can hope and pray that he will use this time to think and make better choices in the future.

Moments of hearing my husbands voice on the phone and wanting him home but he won't be home until tomorrow.  (he has been out of town working)

Moments of getting a discouraging phone call....that now has me all worried that the surgery won't take place on Monday.  Its still pending with insurance for some reason....and they have had plenty of time.  I just pray that its in God's plan for the surgery to still take place as scheduled for Monday at 12:30 pm.

The good moments that make me smile, or laugh or feel a warm loving feeling always out weigh the other moments that have to happen in life.

Now....I will find something good to watch on Netflix...if possible and try to stay awake until my beautiful daughter gets back from going to a dance tonight......

Moments in a day......

A moment to breathe

Beautiful Ladies

Wonderful Friends

A winter scene

A snowy hill

Candles for us :)

yummy caramel cake


Yesterday I was blessed with a  moment to breathe.  You know those moments when you finally take time to slow down and just breathe.  A very dear lady, who loves to cook, and entertain invited myself and two  other friends to join her at her house for lunch.  Our friend Bridget had been out of town for a while dealing with things after her mother died, so she had missed out on the last couple bible studies and all the fellowship that goes with it.  Diana wanted to give some of that back to Bridget by having us over for lunch.

I was the first to arrive a little early.  As I walked in I noticed how nice everything looked and ready, the table was set so pretty.  Shortly after I arrived Shawnie and Bridget arrived.  We were in for a real treat.  It was sort of formal with all the glasses, the real silver was brought out and pretty plates.  Diana served us soup and sandwiches, then we enjoyed coffee and cake.  During the whole time there was laughter, and smiles and a few tender heartfelt moments.  Diana helped each of us feel a little special in our own way.  

God Answers

(12-7-13)

God you are amazing and wonderful.  Thank you for using the little things in my life to set me back on track and to rekindle my hope and give me the strength to keep moving forward with my eyes focused on you.

You heard my pray and the deep ache in my heart for Dillon.  Thank you Lord.
           He came behind me last night and gave me a hug.  He lingered and squeezed.  He leaned his head on my shoulder as he hugged me.  I couldn't help but tell him that I loved him and how I've missed his hugs.  I could feel the deep need that he is craving so much that he wants from his own mother.  But thankfully Lord you have placed me in Dillon's life and are using me for good in his life.

I could feel the deep need that he is craving so much that he wants from his own mother.  But thankfully Lord you have placed me in Dillon's life and are using me for good in Dillon's life.

Despite all the struggles, frustrating moments and raw feelings that try to consume us briefly, you are there.  You are working in our lives.  You are God.  The God that can change and heal our hearts.

The 1st week of December

---re-kindled the Christmas Spirit
---letting it go as far as trying to make it happen for Karlee for club volleyball at the YMCA.  If its in God's plan for her then he will provide a way for us to pay for it-if not He will give me the words to speak to Karlee and Karlee the peace about it not happening.

---FREE GAS!!! Yes that was awesome the other day.  I was at the right place at the right time.  I was talking on my phone to my dad sitting my van.  I got out and was approached by a car full of ladies dressed in blue sweatshirts with the Honda logo on it.  One of them said that since I drive a Honda they will put gas in my vehicle.  I was on empty and was figuring out how to put gas in it.  So they told me which station to go to and off I went.  They filled my tank!  What a blessing!

--- smiles & hugs from my soon to be 11 year old little girl Sara Nicole

---peace in where things are at in my life right now-knowing I lack nothing and I have all I need because I have Jesus Christ.

---a burden to pray earnestly for Dillon again-despite how I have been feeling.  Its okay that I've been frustrated and discouraged because God has been there and knows my heart is really not wanting to give up on Dillon and has re-kindled my hope and has given me the strength to pray, to pray hard for Dillon.

My Heart Cries Out

(wrote on 12-6-13)

My heart cries out to you Lord for my step son.  Please open his eyes, turn him from darkness to light, from the power of Satan to you.  Let him be given a place among your people, who are set apart by faith in you.

Thank you for turning my eyes up to you again to remind me how I need to love him.  You have burdened me again with deep emotions despite my frustrations and have placed him on my heart to pray for him earnestly.  Thank you Lord

Thanksgiving 2013