The Divorced, The Lost & The Broken

My heart breaks when I hear those words, divorced, lost and broken.  This world is full of all of those.  This world is broken.  But within a broken world there are people that the good Lord has placed around to serve others, be there for them, relate to, speak into but most of all to feel "not alone" with.

The Lord is all knowing and wonderful!  In hindsight I can look back at all the things I have gone through in my lifetime to this point.  Some of it may not have been good but it has grown me, changed me, and strengthen me into who I am now as I follow the path with the Lord by my side.

I find myself thankful for the things I have gone through.  They had allowed me to be there for others, and to offer a hopeful perspective than what they are seeing or feeling at that moment.  I would not be able to do that without having gone through a divorce, feeling lost and broken.

After we have gone through things and have healed we are to move on in life and to help others, but I find its not something that I have necessarily set out to do but that has happened.  The Lord has set up the time and places for me to be able to return what He has given me to others.

God really does have a plan for each of us.

Last night a woman that I have known off and on for seven years called me last night and we talked for two hours.  We have talked over the years and our boys briefly were in scouts together.  When we have gotten the opportunity to be around each other I have always enjoyed our conversations and they flow so nicely. We know gotten to know little snippets of each other over time.

She is in a hard place right now and struggling.  I had sent her a card a while back and she was calling to thank me then we talked for hours.  The things she is going through I was able sit and listen, relate, understand and I pray gave her a little hope.

Below us, we have a renter, she is a thirty four year old recently single mother of four children, from 12 yrs to 3 yrs.  Out of all the renters that we could have chosen back in February we chose her, a broken soul in need of a little break.  She and I since then developed a friendship.

I can't tell you how many times over the years that one of my children would come home sharing their excitement about a new friend only to discover the brokenness that they share with them unknowingly with divorce.  Most of my children friends are from divorced families.

I can only hope and pray that the Lord is preparing my children to be able to be there for a friend and relate to and speak into with the little knowledge that unfortunately they have had to feel, learn and live from.  But knowing that the Lord has a plan and that we can trust him is such a comfort because when he uses us in someone's life and we can see or feel their frown turn a little bit up into a hopeful smile is all that matters and means the world and shines so brightly through the divorced, the lost and the broken.

I pray that the Lord will continue to prepare my heart, and give me opportunities to pour into others with what He has given to me so that I can share some hope with them through Him.

Thank you Lord

Worship Music

Lately its been raining every evening, so it sorts of sets the stage for reflection, at least for me.  I'm not sure why that is but right now the house is quite.  I'm the only one home right now, its nice and cool outside, wet ground, rain drops sitting on the green pine needles.  Its quite calming and I find myself staring out the window thinking about my family and where I find myself now compared to a year ago or even longer than that.....

I have amazing worship music on Pandora right now playing in the background.  I have always loved music....a huge variety.  It sets the mood and the memories and moments to be made.

I might be a little reflective since I've been looking through pictures of the past 7 years. Micah and I will have our seven year wedding anniversary soon, on September 3rd.  I can't help to think about where we started and where we have come to after all this time.

We are in a better place than when we had first begun....
Living in the middle of the story has not been easy but we do keep moving forward, I'm so thankful for that in so many ways that my words are not enough to express....all I can say and will say over and over again is that its the Lord.  He has done it and continues to do it.

Our story is not over, I have my hopes and desires on how I'd like it to move along but I'm not in charge.

I love how the music can wrap His presence around me with such warmth, love, and inspiration.  The words speak truth into my heart while the notes carry me closer to Him.

There was a time that I would drift into the past and it would be torture but I seemed to crave going down painful paths but now I can rejoice where those paths took me and how they have taken me down a path that helps me grow closer in my relationship with the Rock in my life.

Living this life was never meant to be easy.  If it were easy then we wouldn't grow into who He made us to be for Him not ourselves or anyone else but for Him.

God is always good and He loves me and you always.

Drippy outside & in

There are days that it seems that how the weather is outside is also how "the weather is on the inside" of me.  I know it sounds a little strange, maybe depressing but anyway.

Today has been a cloudy, sort of wet kind of day with some rain at times.  My emotions seem to be all over the place and then where I go there are people around me with emotions all over the place too.  It's alright but it makes for a touchy, sensitive, emotional type of day.

But I'm thankful that the Lord makes his presence known to each of us that the next moment is turned back up with a little sunshine peeking through and a little smile in the mix of it all tool.

A beautiful card message

I had been glancing at a card that had been standing up on a table by the window at Jane's house, where I care for her parents.  It caught my eye at how pretty it looked on the outside and the title on it Moments are God's Gift.  It got me curious and thinking so I picked it up and read it.  (It was a card from Jane's sister Nancy for their parents who just celebrated 67 years of marriage) I enjoyed the sweet, re-mindful and trusting message that I wanted to make note of it and share it here.

Moments are God's Gift

In the happy moments--thank Him.
In the busy moments--bless Him.
In the trying moments--trust Him.
In the quiet mometns--praise Him.
In all the moments...in all of life...
God is there and He cares--
in goodness...in kindness..
in faithfulness...in love.
--Roy Lessin

He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousounad generations of those who love Him.  Deuteronomy 7:9 NIV

Daily Kindness

Sometimes I struggle with being kind.  I don't mean not to be kind.  I catch myself at times and feel bad.  Not being kind isn't just simply saying hello or things like that....its not being kind when you judge someone.  Judging when you don't really know what is going on is being unkind, especially when you use it against them and then start spinning off feelings of frustration and bitterness with negative thoughts.

Proverbs 11:17
Kindness to the poor is a loan to the Lord,
and He will give a reward to the lender.

Hosea 11:4
I led them with human cords,
with ropes of kindness.
To them I was like one
who eases the yoke from their jaws

Romans 11:22
Therefore, consider God's, kindness and
severity; severity toward those who have fallen,
but God's kindness toward you---if you remain in His
kindness.  Otherwise you too will be cut off.

It is our place with His help to be kind to others so that He has an open space to come in and work in their lives.  Reminding us that we can not do anything to change the other but that He can.

Lord, help me to always be kind to others and not judge and not try to take it in my own hands with what good intentions I think I have.  You are the only one that soften our hearts when we see things that need to be changed in others and ourselves.  Thank you Lord for all your kindness towards each of us even towards the fallen.

Movie and Hubby

I asked Micah if he'd take a picture with me for my blog.....at least he isn't frowning (we are in the movie theater so its dark and hard to see)

I tried to do "fish & chips" like we had at the Celtic Festival where we always have an enjoyable time together.

Saturday was very unproductive!  But it was great.  I laid in bed past 7 am and stayed in my jammies most of the day until the mid afternoon and ran a few quick errands with the girls and then back home to doing nothing.

Micah had taken Saturday off to relax and rest his knee that has been hurting him for a while now.  He stayed in the room watching movies off and on all day.  We had leftovers for dinner so that was nice.

Sunday (today)  Micah took today off too and mentioned that he wanted to go see a movie. I got excited because we would be spending time together and that is something I really enjoy.

We liked the movie.  Then later after we had been home I decided I would try to make a nice dinner for him.  One that brings good happy moments to mind.  Now we are full and I'm tired and ready to go up stairs and hang out with my hubby watching a movie on netflix before calling it another day.

I'm not sure what you would consider a "perfect weekend" but for me right now, in this moment as the sun is setting and its getting dark I will have to smile and say that it was a perfect weekend for us.  :)

Haircut, football & 31

I decided to cut my long hair and I love it!

It's still long but not real real long....I like the length 

$3.00!  Hot buy for my son

Free green tea from Starbucks!  A nice surprise

My son is captain of the JV football team this year! 

#7 :)
His positions are corner back and receiver
they always can count on him to catch the ball and run fast!

Me and my shorter hair!  On my way to my Thirty One Party on a  Friday night!

My set up for the party.

The last few days were a nice lead in to the weekend....whatever that will bring....

Dress Pants!

I love to celebrate the little things in life.  Without the little things in life then I think I would be dragged down so far that I'm not sure how I would get back up again.  Yes, at times I may get funny looks and my kids think I'm silly and embarrass them some but hey life is too short not to celebrate all that you can!

So long story short!  I it was Wednesday late afternoon and I had to find my son some dress pants to wear the next day at school for football.  They dress up on their game days.

His pants that he had were too small and very uncomfortable.  His dad wouldn't budge and I was determined and God was there right with me.  That morning in my prayer journal I asked God to help me find some pants for Kyle.  And he did!

I walked into this thrift shop that was suggested by a friend and went directly to the back of the store to the men's clothing area and found three pairs of pants.  I grabbed all three of them and went to the front desk and asked how much were they.  The two older ladies behind the counter said at the same time $1.00 each!  I had the biggest smile on my face and expressed very excitedly how happy I was and that I was going to take all three of them!

I shared with the ladies what I needed them for and how happy I was that I came here and found them.  They were so happy that I was happy, it was great!

I went outside, got into the van and looked up and said "thank you Lord" and drove away.

He doesn't like taking pictures but....he stood patiently while I snapped a quick one.  I love his pants!  They fit him perfect and I must say that he is one good looking young man :)

Two Lunches

Saturday I had picked my son up from his friends' house.  He asked if we could go to lunch. Sara, Kyle and I went to pick up some Mexican food.  I wasn't too hungry so I just had gotten three rolled tacos with cheese and sour cream on them.  We got it go and went home to eat.  It was the perfect amount for me.

About 45 minutes or so after we had been home and ate lunch, my husband calls me while parked out front of the house asking me if I had already eaten lunch.  I smiled real big while talking to him and said well yes sort of but I will go with you and get something light to eat.  He said okay and as I ran out the door really quick, Kyle asked where I was going and I said to lunch with Micah.  He shook his head and said but you already ate lunch.  I smiled and ran out of the door.

Micah and I went to the Golden Dragon and ordered Chinese food.  Shortly into our conversation I confessed and told him that I had gotten food for the kids and I for lunch.  He asked why did I accept lunch with him and I simply said to spend time with you.  He seemed to like my answer and didn't say much to it so we enjoyed our time together.  I ate a little bit and took the rest home.

I know you are saying what a combo, Mexican and Chinese!  I was a little full and didn't eat dinner later but I felt it was all worth it.  Two lunches in one day!  :)

It wasn't so much the food but the time spent with my husband.  I had just mentioned to him earlier how we haven't spent much time together and then the next thing I know he is taking me out to lunch.  Hey he really does listen....lol

Thankful for time spent with my kids and my husband two lunches later.....

Coffee, Walfes & Weekend

I thought my boss man looked good out in the open pretty view 

Micah is and isn't a lot of things....like most of us but what he is....a hard working man that has very good work ethic.  I appreciate him for that and I am very thankful he works hard to have what we have and to take care of the kids and I.

A pretty view from a job site Micah had been working on.

Aren't they cute when they are sleeping side by side :)

It was a nice weekend, not too much going on.  One of the things I enjoyed the most out of it was when I picked up my son from his friends house fairly early on Saturday and he said he wanted to stay at my house for the day and overnight instead of going back out to his dad's.  That made me smile.  I miss my son, sure I see him and talk to him but its different when he is actually here in the house with me.  We didn't do much together but having him home was nice.  Sunday morning he asked me to fix him some coffee and wallfes.  I smiled with a huge beaming smile that shined from the inside out.  It was one of those moments that I enjoyed being a mom and doing something for one of my children.

Its really the simple things in this life that make things bearable until I can be with my heavenly father.  I love looking and cherishing the little moments :)

HE gets me out of my funk

Peach Honey Tea 

Helping others enjoy God's beauty

Flowers in Jane's yard

Jane's yard

Taking a moment to enjoy His Beauty and trying to listen instead of rushing around.

on the floor and upside down.....well that should change the perspective lol  :)

My new Pink shirt for my Thirty One Party at Cultured

Ready to walk out the door

All set up....waiting now.....

Sisterhood!

So this was on Thursday of last week....
I didn't have a party after after all but the Lord gave us a change to get to know each other more so we can become a great team in Thirty One sisterhood :)  He showed us how we need each other and what we have to offer each other.  It was a really nice time.  So thankful

A Heart of Peace

Oddly enough of all the things that I have going on in my life the one thing that is bothering me the most and bringing out the bitterness and resentment that I felt years ago is my ex-husband again!  I'm frustrated because I don't want to go through these feelings again, its exhausting!

On a daily basis I have several relationships in my life that I have to ask God to help me keep the peace and to be loving and serving to them.  But this one seems to be sort of consuming my thoughts the most lately.

I think it's because I've slipped into the prideful mode of "look what all I have done for our kids and look at what you don't do"  It's not like that is going to get me anywhere except irritable which affects not only my mind and heart but with having Fibro...my body too.  :(

Philippians 2:2
Live in harmony by showing love for each other.  Be united in what you think, as if you were only one person.  

After reading that my thoughts are "Scott and I are the ones that jointly brought our children into this world and that we may not be a family under the same roof but we need to be and have to be a united front with our children's best interest and love for them together strongly united despite it all"

I disagree so much with how he is living his life and how it affects his children and I.  I can't change him, that is one thing I tried when we were married.

It pleases God when we willingly promote harmony and peach.  Consider being the one who chooses not to take offense at the carelessly spoken remark, or being the first one to point out those things the two of you agree on and the value of your relationship.  Imagine the outcome if you were always to care more about the other person than about winning.  Strive for peace, and see how all your relationships strengthen, deepen and endure. (taken from a devotional I have)

I have stuck up and spoke good on his behave many times especially with my mother.  I have for years prayed for her bitterness to go away and would get frustrated when she would talk negative about him.  But look now I'm letting her bitterness reignite and start to feed mine now.  ugh!

All this has started with me and my mom coming up with money to take care of all the school needs, clothing, phones, shoes, etc and whatever they need, while I feel he only tries a tiny bit and only does bare minimum while he has money to smoke and drink beer!

There it is the resentment!

Okay I need some help to get right again with this in my heart and plesasing to the Lord.  I ask for prayer please.  I have to stop complaining to my kids about their father, it is not the thing I need to be doing.  Lord help me....

Heavenly Father, put in me a peaceful heart, and teach me to choose my words carefully when I am in difficult situations.  Amen

Help me find my heart of peace again Lord.

Each Day

Each day God gives up moments to stop and cherish, if we would just stop and look.  The kids went back to school on Thursday.  I was so pleased at how the girls got up on their own and I didn't have to go in there and check on them (I hope it continues). 

Kyle and Sara seem pleased and happy with their teachers and classes and seem ready for the next school year.  Kyle will have his first football game of the year in a few weeks.  I asked him what position he plays and to explain it to me.  He did he was very patient with me but I'm not sure it all really stuck.  I know that he is a corner back and a receiver...one is for defense and the other for offense but I don't remember which one is for which :)  I just know that he is good at both and with that and being on the JV he should be played quite a bit in all the games they play this year.

Sara has the foot steps of Karlee and Kyle left behind for her at her school.  Most teachers know right away who she is and pleased from the start.  Her sister and brother left behind a good path for her to follow.

Karlee however seems to be very frumpy and down on life lately and I'm concerned.  She doesn't make it easy to talk to her so I don't say much other than "I'm sorry you are going through a hard time right now, I love you and I'm here for you." then I hug her and leave the room then I look heavenward and give it God and ask for his help and guidance....I really don't know what to do.

In the mix of the kids going back to school, I ended a very long busy week over at Jane's. I was looking forward to the weekend to refresh and get ready for a new week.  I needed the hours to recoup from the school fees that was recently spent.  I'm looking forward to another week with helping Jane with her parents.  Lord she had so much on her plate this week with the grand kids, and extra dog under foot and then the normal day in and out with life living with her parents as they decline daily in their state of mind and health.  Lord you never cease to amaze me at how you have given Jane the strength, courage, and grace to keep moving forward and do all that she does that just seems to flow with ease more than what it feels like to her I'm sure while in the middle of it all, but Lord you have helped her to handle it with you very very close to her.

In my "world" at home life goes around in the house.  Micah grumbles and gets up and drags himself to work every morning.  He is tired in all ways you can think of, he is not happy, he is joyless, empty and depressed.  Yep, sadly that sums it up.  It isn't easy with his moodiness to be around him but once again God gives me what I need to make it happen and for things never to make it into a loud crazy roar, and I'm so very thankful for that.

I still struggle with painful, tired moments with living with Fibro but with the new medicine that I've been on there has been a little improvement but there are still days that I would love to just run and hide for a little while.

But Each day the Lord always finds a moment to show me a blessing to be thankful for, a joy to cherish or a moment to smile and enjoy the beauty around me.  Gotta have my Lord each day!

Quite morning with my planner and new lovely cup from a thoughtful friend :)

A friend of min surprised me with this new cup as a little gift.  I love it!

Kyle's Id picture for the year.  Yes, its a picture of a picture because he has a great smile in it and wouldn't duplicate it for me :)  He doesn't like taking pictures :(

My senior!  I can't believe it!

I haven't gotten a new picture of my Sara Bear but I will get one soon....

What Season Am I In?

What Season of life am I in right now?  I ask this because I don't really know.  I almost feel like something big is on the horizon, not sure if that will be good or not but just the same God will be there for me and prepare my heart for whatever it may or may not be.

I also wonder what is next on my journey forward with the kids going back to school and having a new school year to get through with them.  Yes, its almost as if I'm back in school at times too, between gathering supplies, friends, teachers, up coming projects, signing syllabuses, etc.  Its also going to be a very busy year with Karlee being a senior and graduating this year.

I recently put away all of my craft stuff that I have had downstairs on my living room table. I've had it all out for a while and have worked on some cards and other various projects but now I just don't feel like doing any of it.  I do feel like however de-cluttering my living room and putting things up and away to look a little neater in the living room area.  I may be a little burned out of crafting....I know I can't believe I just said that!  What's wrong with me?!

I am in the season of feeling better! I'm trying out a new medicine for my Fibromyalgia and it seems to be improving the way I feel.  I have more energy, and able to handle things better when I'm really tired and there is some change in dealing with the pain.  I'm on a low dosage right now and will probably increase soon.  I'm happy so far to not be dealing with any side affects at this point.

I find myself wanting to focus on working my business with Thirty One, not that I can't make cards and do that either but I want to really focus on my business and my family.

When I look at the big picture of what I find myself in the middle of most days, I sometimes get a little overwhelmed.  But despite it all I take a few deep breaths, I whisper to the Lord at times, and then I lean on my Lord and Savior.

So as summer comes to a close end and we move into Fall in the next month or so I will be lead into my new season of life holding onto my Lord's hand.  So grateful for each day with the Lord and all his beauty around me.

My Heart Struggles

Yesterday I asked a question on messenger by a "team mate" with Thirty One.  I have never met her, but we all encourage one another and are all located in some part of Arizona.  She asked me if I knew of any good cabins or bed and breakfasts here in the Flagstaff area.  She wants to plan a little getaway for wedding anniversary with her husband.  I told her I didn't know of any because I haven't been to any here but would think about it and ask around.  I got back with her suggesting a few, and hope one of them works out for them.

It got me thinking about Micah and I.  Our 7th wedding anniversary is around the corner, on September 3rd.  I began to browse online and started to explore a few places in Sedona. It would be close and we did spend our wedding night in Sedona.  I even had myself some what motivated to start saving money this month to really try hard to plan something since it would be in a month.  Shortly after looking online I began to talk myself out of doing something like that and started to run with the idea of taking us to a nice a dinner at maybe the The Cottage, where you would have to have a reservation.

It all sounds great and nice but not going to happen.  Micah will complain about not being able to take time off from work (at times feeling like he won't but for certain things that he wants to do only)  and then it just wouldn't really mean anything to him.  It would be a nice time in his eyes but it just wouldn't have the significant meaning that it should have in a "normal" marriage celebrating an anniversary of happiness.

I know here I go again down that road....but sometimes I can't help taking a little detour for a short while.  I try not to but.....

Now I have decided to just not do anything for us and let it be just another day in time that passes and goes on into the next day and the next month and then into another year.

I really want him to take the initiative to want to do something nice and cherishable for us.

I feel defeated and that I have given up by not trying again to do something for us, but its so hard when it isn't reciprocated back. I know Jesus did so many things not expecting anything back.  I want to do something, not sure why but I do.  I also don't want to because it would bring sadness and heart ache also so why set myself up for more hurt to push through.

I have time to work through this and not get so dragged down about it.  I will turn it over the Lord and ask him to help guide me in how to celebrate our 7th anniversary this year.

His Plan is Always Better than Mine

The Lord's plan is always bigger and better than mine.  Its always thought out and planned better with every detail known unlike what I could ever plan.  I'm always grateful when He puts me in my place, reminding me gently that he's got this.  He knows when to stretch me and open my heart and mind to what I may turn against and redefines my perspective into a more Christ like pleasing perspective.  A perspective that has been refreshed with kindness, judgement free, and forgiving.

On Sunday morning, I got dressed for church with the intent of not knowing if I would really go or if I would stay when I got there.  I was meeting up with a friend that was going to purchase a discount card from my son to help support his football team.  I had myself convinced that it would be alright if I would sneak in find her, greet and visit with a few others I hadn't seen in a while and then sneak away.

As I walked across the street I saw an old friend in front of the door.  I was excited to see her and her family.  I then remembered that they would be passing through on their way to moving to Chicago.  I knew then that I would have a tough time feeling it would be alright to leave after I finished the task that I had set out to do.  God has a way of tugging at our hearts and whispering to us as we try to go against his plan for us.

I greeted her and she wanted me to find her before I left so that we could set up sometime to get together to catch with each other's lives.  I proceeded into the church and immediately found the person I was looking for and went straight to my destination.  I then turned around looking for the quickest path with the least amount of people standing and chatting so I could head to the door.  Instead I walked around a bit and headed into the the room where everyone stands to meet and greet and get coffee.  I ran into two friends, one was the wife of the one that would be giving the message and the other was my neighbor, who said that it was a good message and that I should stay and listen to it.  I think she saw that I was hesitant on staying without me saying too much.

I then realized how I have missed interacting with some of the people that I have gotten to know over the years.  I went into find a place to sit and there I sat ready to listen with an openness that the Lord opened.

I enjoyed the message and was surprised at how much I did.  I silently broke down during communion to the Lord and asked for his forgiveness on how I had harden my heart before coming in to listen to the message.

I was grateful I went, to listen to a good message and to see a person that I love sitting and talking with :)

Summer Time Wrap Up

enjoyed God's goodness and beauty

cherished the moments I could just sit on my balancy

gotta have that doggie love and cuddle time

Micah took this picture on a job site he has been working on one evening....never dull views with God's glory all around us.

this really says it all for a few moments that took place this summer

Have enjoyed getting organized with Thirty One and very thankful that God provided when I needed to have a decent commission check.

I love my "job" if that is what you want to call it....I just enjoy helping others and my very dear friend have good moments with her parents.

I enjoyed moments when I was to indulge with my kids....this moment was with my Sara Bear!  She loves donuts!

This what I strive to do daily throughout each day.

I enjoyed the summer with my family and friends.  Summer goes so quickly..........its time for school this week.  Yes, this week on Thursday the kids go back to school.  Karlee will graduate this year, Kyle will be in the 10th grade and Sara in the 7th!  I'm going to hold on tight the Lord's hand as we start a new school year together, not sure what it will bring but I'm not alone :)

Next Step for Dillon

Dillon's property....ear rings, letters, and a night gown/robe from the hospital.

We have been waiting and waiting to find out how things would go for Dillon, my step-son ever since he had stabbed someone.  He has been in jail this time around since the end of May.  He has been able to be held in there for so long because of violating his probation that he has been on for a couple of years now.

We found out that he will not be charged in the latest crime, he was defending himself from someone trying to cause him harm.  But he will go to prison for 4 months to serve out the rest of the time he had on probation then he will be on parole for 4 months then he will be done with all that and put it all behind him.  I hoping he will finish school when he gets out and stay out of trouble and start turning his life around.

My only thing that I struggle with now are the "what ifs" and "Oh I know how its gonna be"....There is a strong chance that Micah will let him come home from prison and stay on the couch temporarily.  Well i have very strong mixed emotions about that happening....plus his feet stink!  lol okay maybe I shouldn't say that but seriously he would be in the main area of the house....how do try to function as a family with someone on the couch?

I'm working hard on not freaking out when it hasn't even happen yet and things can change in 4 months.  I continue to lean on God for his wisdom and his guidance in this situation.