My Heart Struggles

Yesterday I asked a question on messenger by a "team mate" with Thirty One.  I have never met her, but we all encourage one another and are all located in some part of Arizona.  She asked me if I knew of any good cabins or bed and breakfasts here in the Flagstaff area.  She wants to plan a little getaway for wedding anniversary with her husband.  I told her I didn't know of any because I haven't been to any here but would think about it and ask around.  I got back with her suggesting a few, and hope one of them works out for them.

It got me thinking about Micah and I.  Our 7th wedding anniversary is around the corner, on September 3rd.  I began to browse online and started to explore a few places in Sedona. It would be close and we did spend our wedding night in Sedona.  I even had myself some what motivated to start saving money this month to really try hard to plan something since it would be in a month.  Shortly after looking online I began to talk myself out of doing something like that and started to run with the idea of taking us to a nice a dinner at maybe the The Cottage, where you would have to have a reservation.

It all sounds great and nice but not going to happen.  Micah will complain about not being able to take time off from work (at times feeling like he won't but for certain things that he wants to do only)  and then it just wouldn't really mean anything to him.  It would be a nice time in his eyes but it just wouldn't have the significant meaning that it should have in a "normal" marriage celebrating an anniversary of happiness.

I know here I go again down that road....but sometimes I can't help taking a little detour for a short while.  I try not to but.....

Now I have decided to just not do anything for us and let it be just another day in time that passes and goes on into the next day and the next month and then into another year.

I really want him to take the initiative to want to do something nice and cherishable for us.

I feel defeated and that I have given up by not trying again to do something for us, but its so hard when it isn't reciprocated back. I know Jesus did so many things not expecting anything back.  I want to do something, not sure why but I do.  I also don't want to because it would bring sadness and heart ache also so why set myself up for more hurt to push through.

I have time to work through this and not get so dragged down about it.  I will turn it over the Lord and ask him to help guide me in how to celebrate our 7th anniversary this year.