Watching him go out the door

This morning I watched Kyle walk to his car to get ready to leave for school.  I loved sitting there with my coffee in my hands looking out the window with the sky heavy with clouds from the rain last night.

Its the perfect picture of Fall, brown, red and yellow leaves all scattered on the damp ground, the sky grey, the air cool with a handsome young man walking out to his car.  A tall young man with his new long sleeve shirt with nice bold colors of red, white and blue along with a pair of his new jeans casually walking out with his backpack in one hand and coffee in the other.

I watched him put his things in his car, getting things in their place before he got into the drivers seat and off he went to school.

Its one of those moments where you feel the love from every part of you and you think back to when he was a little boy and how life is going for him and how you want the best for him.  Just to be perfect.....

But life isn't that way....perfect...well maybe perfectly crazy or better, perfectly broken.  Yes I like the sound of that perfectly broken and it gives room for God to come into those broken parts perfectly to work out what he needs to do.

And I pray that for my son, that God will go in between that perfect brokeness and grab hold of my son and work a perfect plan, His perfect plan for my son's life.  I know it won't be easy and there will be ups and downs but it will be His plan with His purpose.

Kyle is 16 years old and has made some mistakes that he will have to get through to move further into God's perfect plan for his life and the path will be rocky.  As a parent that rocky path is hard to travel with him, but its not hard when you walk it with Him.

I continue to sit and look out the window.  Kyle has been gone for a few minutes but I stare out onto the sidewalk with tons of yellow leaves all over the wet side walk......

Silently sending a pray to the Lord asking him to continue to guide me, give me wisdom and strength to be the parent each of my kids need at the time in every situation we find ourselves in together in this life at His perfect time with His love and strength in the perfect broken place.

A Delicate Spot

My family seems to be in a delicate spot right now.  My dad has been gone a year now and so its been a year of change, adjusting, dealing with this or that, making decisions, thinking and grieving.  Each of us, my mom, brother and I are at different stages and its been hard in different ways.  Now we have reached the 1 year mark, and things are coming to a close with things.  I wonder if its a little harder now that things are coming to an end than when all this first started.  I had a conversation with my brother shortly after that I sat in my journal to God.

October 23, 2016

Dear Lord, I think in my family we have reached a delicate point of being done moving forward and still healing and grieving with my dad being gone.

There is bitterness that is popping up and taking root.  Lord please help us.  Please do't allow any of us to try to take a hold of any of those roots popping up.  Its not wise and will tear apart our family.  

Be our strength an dour wisdom and the one we all lean on to let this phase pass on without it taking root in our hearts.  Help us all to work the things we each need to and to move forward with love and support for each other.  I pray these things in your name, Amen

I started to text my mom first to see how she doing, my impression from my brother was that things were rough and so I didn't know how she would.  Soon after she called me and we talked some more.  It was good to hear her voice and I'm thankful that God gave me the words to help my mom feel better.  Like I said I think each of us are in a delicate spot but I know that God will be there for each of us in how he needs to be and we all will keep moving forward and out of this "delicate spot" that we all seem to be at right now.

I continue to be so grateful to the Lord for all he is and does in my life......

Friday Night Fright

Sara took a video of them walking Kyle off the field.

Sara and I drove to Cottonwood after I got off from work to go watch Kyle play football.  It was a nice drive there.  The school was easy to find so I was happy.  Kyle didn't play until the end of the 1st quarter but every time he got out there to play, he played hard and did his job of defense.

But then the next thing you know there is a pile of boys all piled up on top of one another and know that your son is in that pile.  I watched intently as each boy got up, I looked at all the numbers and then I got this sinking feeling and I leaned over to Sara and asked her  "Do you see him, I don't see him."  By now everyone was up except for one young man, he was holding his leg and sort of rocking back and forth on the ground.....it was Kyle, my boy!  Well now I'm well on the edge of the bleachers and watching and waiting, by now the people around me knew he was my son and they were watching and waiting with me.  They finally got him up and took two people to sort of lift and carry him off the field, favoring his right leg and not bearing weight on it.

I can not even begin to find the words to describe how I was really feeling, I think if you are a parent you'd understand best.  I felt helpless just sitting there watching and waiting.  They put a sack of ice on his leg, it was half time now and everyone was going into the locker room, but he sat waiting for the little cart to pick him up and take him.  It was the longest half time for me, just waiting and wondering......I did text his dad and let him know what was going on.

Finally half time was over and out comes the team.  He was brought back on the cart but then with the help of others he sort of walked over to the bench to watch the game.  I could see him point me out to the guy who had tended to him and I walked down to meet him at the fence to get a report.  There had been three injuries and the parents of the hurt ones all lined up waiting for our injury report on our boys.

I was told right away it wasn't his knee, thank goodness and no broken bones.  Its a little hard to describe but on the side of his knee and upper calf area his muscles were hurt.  By the end of the game he was moving around on it a lot better but it hurt a ton.

By the end of the game I was a little anxious to get to him and see him for myself and talk to him so I could really know from him that he was alright.  

Sara and walked up to where the boys locker room was so we could wait for him to come out.  He finally did and I was a happy momma again :)

Gosh that feeling was not a fun feeling but its a feeling that all parents will experience at one point in their life.  I'm good for a while.....

We got back to Flagstaff around 11:30, took him to his car at the school, he drove home and we all went to bed.

Costumes, Childhood & Love

The other night I didn't have anything planned for dinner, leftovers really.  And I wasn't sure what I would do with the evening.  Well Sara wanted to work on her tutu for her halloween costume.  She is going to be Batman.  She and two of her friends are going to be superhero, one Superman and one Captain America.  I asked why are you all going to be male super heroes and she said because they are cooler and more known.

Making a tutu from tulle looks easy but its really not....I soon discovered.  Karlee my oldest has made a few and didn't want to help Sara with this one when she was up to see us.....I understand now.

The finished product!

While I was helping Sara, at times I was tying and she was cutting and then I'd cut and she would tie.  I couldn't help but go back into time when I was a kid.  Back in the day of making your own costume was a must or buying those plastic vinyl like costumes with masks.

I remember both my parents helping my brother and I make ours.  Sometimes they were simple and others they were creative and cool.  I looked through some of my pictures to see if I could find some of my brother and I.  I didn't find too many but found a few.  

Me as a ghost

A Princess

My  brother and I.  I'm not sure what he was I think I he was a hunched backed monster or something.  I remember one year he was walking hunched over with a mask...

And here are the vinyl plastic costumes :)

I remember enjoying  Halloween.  We dressed up and went trick or treating and then mom and dad would spread it all out on the floor and inspect our candy before we could eat one single piece of it and then we could indulge a little before going to bed.  But what sticks out the most to me is how we did it together as a family.  It was a family deal :)

One of my most favorite costumes for Halloween was when I wanted to be a singer!  My mom was beautician and she had a wig that was long long red hair.  I wore that and then I had on a pair of high boots that I think would have been for like go go boots and then best of all I had a guitar made from card board!  I think my dad made it I'm not sure, but it was 3D and all!  It had a strap and all. It was so cool!  It was so fun!

My brother and I had fun at Halloween as we were growing up.

It was nice to remember these moments from my childhood while I was helping Sara with her tutu for Halloween.

A Typical Sunday

I love this color when the leaves turn in the Fall.

After Sara and I woke up we headed to the office I work at so she could clean.  That is her little job that she does twice a month.  After that we went to the grocery store.  We went home and unloaded the groceries and ate some lunch.  We decided to go out and about one more time and went to browse at Whole Foods.  Long about 2:00pm we called it a day.  I went home and called my mom.  We talked about Thirty One.  She went to visit her friends at the bank to see if she could round up a few orders for me this month or next.  I was a little more in the mood to clean and get things done around our little home so I folded my laundry, cleaned the kitchen and later cooked a yummy dinner of ham, mashed potatoes and gravy and green bean casserole.  The three of us enjoyed our Sunday dinner together at the table before parting ways for the rest of the evening.  It was a nice Sunday.  I found myself thankful for the time and energy to make a nice dinner for us to share.  Sara was out by 8:30 and I went to bed an hour later.

Something for Me

Watched the latest Transformer Movie.

Saturday we all were tired about going to bed late from getting back from Kyle's game in Prescott and picking Sara up from her friends house.  Anyways Sara and I ran some errands together and then by mid afternoon we called it a day on doing anything else productive and decided we would relax.  She went up to her room (Kyle was a friends house) and I closed the blinds and made dark, grabbed a cozy blanket and propped up some pillows to get comfy on my bed and put a movie one to watch on my computer.  Yep a movie!  For me that is something I haven't down in a really long time.  I had afternoons like that when I was with Micah.  Anyways I spend the next couple of hours, by myself comfy and cozy watching a movie.  By the time it was over it was dark outside and around 6:45 pm.  No one was pestering me about dinner so it was all good.  Kyle ended up staying over at his friends. and Sara and I just fixed this or that for dinner.  It was nice to lay around and a watch a movie.  

Taking time out to do something you enjoy is alright to do and is needed at times.  I'm a single mom now that tries her best to keep things going and makes sure everyones' needs are met. So taking time out for myself to watch a movie is the best thing to do!

Happy to go

Yesterday when I got off work I went home changed into comfy jeans, a sweat shirt and warm shoes, packed the car with a couple of blankets and my stadium seat.  I was ready.  Ready to drive to Prescott to attend an away football game so I could watch my son play.  If you know me well you will know that this was a big deal for me.  I went by myself, not sure where to go but my phone lead the way.  The drive there wasn't bad.   My phone lead me to an elementary school instead of the high school, that wasn't cool.  But I had plenty of time.  I didn't freak out, I sat in the parking lot of the wrong school and typed in the high school address and then in 10 mins I was there!

I had tossed the idea around of going to Kyle's game but didn't fully commit until the last minute.  I think when Sara bailed out on me and went to her friends' house then I was secretly trying to talk myself out of going.  Last night Kyle asked me if I was going and I said that I was planning on it.  Then during the day I sent him a text and said that Sara wasn't going and said I wasn't sure if I was still going.  I then asked him if he really wanted me to go and he said yes.  So thats all I needed to motivate myself to drive to Prescott, a happy son!

The drive places during the day isn't too much of an issue, its the thought of driving at night.  I think Karlee is right I have made it out to be more than what it should be.  I stress myself out more than what is needed.  I get nervous when I don't know for sure where I'm going, I feel like I can't trust my phone (funny that is actually true), I don't like windy roads, I trust my driving just not others.  So with all that going on in my head its no wonder my hands are tired from gripping the wheel and my body is so tense driving down the road.

So I was proud of myself when I got to the school.  I parked and gathered my things and headed into where I needed to be to get settled in and watch the game.  I bought a hot dog, chips and a drink and was ready to watch.  It got darker and cold soon but I focused on the game.  I was surrounded by tons of supportive parents and friends that were there to watch their sons' play.  I was surprised at the turn out.

The game was nearing the end.  (we lost) and I started telling myself its going to be fine driving home in the dark.  I will be alert and I will see fine and it will all be good.  Well it wasn't long after that the game was over and the team was lining up to go shake hands and congratulate the other team.  I was in my own world, then I looked up and I saw Kyle putting his hand out like telling me to stop and shouted out don't leave mom.  I said okay and I was thankful that I looked up when I did to see him getting my attention (thank you God).

Before they ran back in with all their gear to get ready to change and leave, Kyle runs over and says mom wait for me I want to ride back with you.  I was beaming inside and out!  Hearing those words made me so happy!  My son wanted to ride home with me!!!!  I didn't have to drive back in the dark by myself!!!  So happy!

I waited for him and then he came out the door of the school and he looked so tired.  I told him how happy I was that he was riding back with me.  He said he had decided that earlier but had forgotten to tell me and wasn't sure he would catch me before I got up to leave.

We got in the car, headed to the closest place to get him something to eat.  Left Sonic and headed home.  It was so nice, he helped me make sure I was following my phone where to go and then once he felt I was okay he leaned back to relax.  We did spend some time talking, we talked more about his frustrations with football this year.  It was nice to talk with him.  I understand more now after experiencing an away game, I heard the parents talk and complain about similar things that Kyle has talked about.  Its amazing what you hear when you stand in line at the ladies bathroom.

We made our way home safe and sound.

Before the game started (Kyle is number 23)

I'm happy I went.

Friends, Family & Comfort

Angelia and Karlee came for a visit last weekend.

This is us on our way to Kyle's football game.

This little cutie is Angelia's little one.  

There is always something special caring for a little one.

My selfie on the mountain.

Angelia had a nice idea and helped me get through the weekend that marked a year without my daddy.  The girls and I picked a pine tree with an aspen intwined the the middle of it to make as a little place to think of my dad.  I had a few of his ashes left and we added a little of my dad to Flagstaff in Heart Praire on the mountain.

Karlee carved on the tree.

After we left the mountain just in time before it started to downpour with rain we went to out to eat pizza together in honor of my daddy.

Random Thoughts

Last week on the drive home from Walmart with Sara.  I love rainbows.  A wonderful reminder of God and his promises.

My daddy!  

A magnet I kept from my dad's house.  Its a good reminder and put a smile on my face the other day when I was feeling a little negative.

This makes me smile and think of my daddy.  He loved frogs.

A treat that I thought I had to have last Friday....so yummy!

Lol Sara saw this little note to myself....she says mom its like you are really old and need help remembering things....well I'm not really old but I do find myself reminding myself to remember things....and you know what I never did make that banana bread, I waited to long and had to throw them out.

My shrimp eater lives in Phoenix so I missed her but enjoyed the shrimp :)

Did you ever go back to a place that you thought you belonged but realized you never did and wonder why you tried so hard for so long....

Colors, changes, chills, crisp air, Fall.  I love the change of seasons

Trying to take care of myself again.  Went to the doc about my Fibromyalgia and trying out some medicine and feeling better :) 

A little mixed about this month starting, its been such a tough year. 

Spent a lot of this year grieving....daddy, my marriage.  So many changes but still moving forward.

This week, last night Sara and I on our way to dinner.

One of Sara's favorite places!  Bread bowl with potato soup here we come!

I enjoyed putting a smile on Sara's face last night, when she hasn't been feeling so well lately.

Look at those leaves!  

Karlee's 19th Birthday