Smiles & Frowns This Week

Every weeks has its good moments and not so good moments.  This week wasn't any different.  Life is really how you handle it, and react to it.

I think this is so true and needs to be thought of often.  I might even printed it on a card and post it where I can see if often around me.

Snoopy says it well :)

Need I say more.....

On my Facebook feed there are different posts that pop up upon the interest I've shown when I like others posts and such.  One from Lysa TerKeurst showed up on my feed and it was perfect.  She states:  

"Its not our circumstance that determine whether today is marked by peace or panic.  Its how certain we are that we can trust God"

"There are days I royally miss the mark on not letting panic steal my peace.  But today is a new day.  And I'm choosing to embrace trust and bring peace."

-------------------------

The Smiles for this week are daily with my kids.  Karlee had surprised me one day this week with a visit at work along with a tea from Dutch Bros.  I enjoyed breakfast one morning with a very dear friend and met her cute, adorable fur baby, Jasper.  I have yet to have a bad day or moment at work because of work...I really do enjoy my job.  

I had mentioned to Karlee the day she came by to see me at work, some concerns and fears about the approaching reality of having nothing to fall back on in regards to money.  The day is very near of not having a back up cushion.  The day is near that will remind me that my daddy isn't there to slip me a 100 bucks here or there or ask me what I need at Sams and place an order long distance to help.  The day is near that I know that my family can't help me any longer, who has helped me for so long now.  My mom is in a different stage of life with retirement that I don't want her to help me much because of where they are at in their lives.  I know she will help when and where she can and she still does at times and I'm very grateful.

But you see where this thinking and fear was leading me.....down a negative self-talk path and things that I can't control but have to embrace my faith and trust in the Lord.

I had told Karlee that I probably will not react very well when that day comes, that it could be as simple as me falling down and crying my eyes out, or a panic attack or I feared but didn't say to her, depression could enter back.  I couldn't help but think of these awful things, the devil really how to play with out thoughts.  I've always hated that part about him.  But the Lord always has a way to bring us back from those thoughts and moments that we try to not let happen, knowing our strength is weak.

-------------------

Thursday evening, after I dropped Sara off at volleyball practice I went to the post office to check my mail.  I knew I had to check it soon, knowing my mom had sent a check in the mail to go towards in gathering party supplies and things for Kyle's graduation.  But its the timing that is everything when you need it......

I needed that smile on the back more than she knew when she placed that cute smile sticker on the back of the envelope.

My mom sent me flowers!  Just what I needed!  She didn't know how much I needed her card but the Lord did and knew just when I needed to go check the mail.

-------------

Friday!  I took my card to work with me so I could bring some cheer to work with me, that I had no idea that I really needed at the time.

Before I went to work I sat down on the couch like I normally do every morning and I read through a few things and then I checked my bank account.  It was pay day.  I tend not to enjoy pay days much anymore, actually for a long time now, they bring stress to me.  

I opened up my computer and signed into my bank account, and wrote down the amount of my pay check and the balance of my bank account and stuck the paper in my planner to look at later, when I decided to look at what bills are coming out and all that needs to be paid.

As I drove to work, it hit me!  Out of the clear blue, sort of like I would imagine a big truck coming out of no where and smacking into you.  I started to struggle with holding back tears, a rush of panic washed over me from head to toe and my breathing was picking up some and I focused on driving to work without breaking down into tears.  

I pulled into the parking lot of Safeway and sat there, I still had several minutes before I had to get to work.  I sat there, took a few deep breathes and then started the car and drove the rest of the short distance to work, parked and sat again for a few minutes.  I can't really tell you what thoughts were going on in my head, it was just a panic feeling and an over whelming feeling of feeling tired.  Tired not in the physical sense that I had to sit down or go to sleep, a mental and emotional tired that I had enough and didn't want to keep being strong in that moment.  It happens at times, I'm sure others have experienced it and I always recover and move forward but in the moment its not easy.

The weather was cold outside and cold, it did nothing to help my mood.  I walk into work and go to my desk.  A co-worker from a distance shouts out hello and good morning, I respond back but not my usual happy self.  I go put my lunch in the fridge and get some coffee and go sit down and turn on my computer.  This time I didn't go to the back offices, like I normally do to say hello to the other co-worker back there.  I wasn't trying to be rude, I was trying to hold it together and focus on getting my day started at work.  Friday's are always slow and there are usually just the three of us there.

About 15 minutes into my morning, I have to go back to the co-worker in the back that I didn't say good morning too and give her a paper.  I walk back there.  She looked right at me and asked me how I was this morning, if I was alright.  I stood there silent for a moment, wasn't sure what I was going to do and then it happened.  I let go and that was it!  I replied back and said no and then the tears that I did so hard to hold in came flooding out, I melted down......

We talked some, she gave me permission to dwell and feel the way I felt and reminded me that tomorrow was a new day and that I will have to stand up and keep moving forward.  I ended up sharing some with my other co-worker too.  She said that this was the perfect, safe place to break down.  By the end of they day they both had embraced me with either a hug or their word or both and it was such a blessing.

At the end of the day I headed home looking forward to seeing Ben and start the weekend.  I ended up telling him a little about my day and that I was feeling sensitive and simply said that if I feel my family I will be short on rent, and then I can use a-little of that money left to help this time but next time it probably won't be there and that scared me.

So incase you couldn't figure it out, all this melt down had to do with money or lack of....

For the last two weeks I had not gone to the grocery store, I've made a point to make do and use up the food we have in the freezer and pantry.  Things have gotten slim and I can tell its wearing on the kids and I don't blame them...me too.  I've sat and looked at the money that comes in and the monthly bills and what they add up to.  The reality is I make enough to cover the bills, the bills only! Not food, not toilet paper and household good and gas, just bills!!!  I have to go to the grocery store this weekend.  But I will be short on paying all the bills.

I now know that I have to get back on food stamps, there is no other answer or way around it.  I will always do what I need to for my family but it gets hard on all levels to deal with.  

So many times I'm sure I'm not the only one in this world that had had to make a decision, to eat or to pay a bill, to go into a little debit to take my kid to the doctor or to pay the bills.  It is what it is and I will do what I need to do the best that I know how or can do.

Yesterday was a new day and I enjoyed the day with my boyfriend and my kids and set things aside for the moment.

Today is Sunday, its a new day too.  I will find the strengthen I need, sit down make a list of what we need, plan the meals for the week and go to the grocery store.  I will sit down later today and fill out online to get the process started to apply for food stamps again.  I will continue to use the money I have to keep things going and paid.  The food stamps will kick in at some point in May.  The last of money will probably be gone by the end of May or beginning of June and then the next journey begins.  I can only keep hoping and trusting that God has the next step figured out and things will find a way to turn out good and we will be alright.  

Tomorrow will come, it will be Monday and I will go to work with a smile on my face and hope in my heart and I will keep believing and trusting and moving forward each day.

I know things will work out as they should and by God's plan but its the in between that is the hardest.

Let Downs and Hurt

Last week I dealt with some let downs and hurt from relationships in my life.  I guess you can call them relationships or ideas of them, I don't know.  I've had this blog of mine for a long time now and I enjoy having it.  I had created a blog type facebook page a long time ago for the church I used to attend.  I thought I had inactivated the page.  It turns out that I did not and it was still floating out there for women to stumble upon.  It was for the women's ministry.  Two people contacted me on the message side of the page asking about who is the one that created the page and how to get into contact with them.  The other one asked if the page could be turned over to them.  It caught me off guard.  I actually put it out of my mind for a couple of days as if I didn't know anything about it but then a text message came across my phone one morning at work, just before I got my day started.  My first reaction was irritation, I was upset and hurt that the person who messaged me didn't remember that it was me that had created that page.  Its like I felt like I had been forgotten.  I know for some of you, might be saying well that is silly or that is childish and it shouldn't matter and it shouldn't be taken personally.  I know but I couldn't help but feel the way I was feeling.

I also was feeling rushed to make a decision to turn it over or to have them start over.  The one who contacted me said that she was being pesterd to get it going again.  Now at this point I was thinking that they should just start over.  It was something that I worked hard at and something I put passion behind at the time.  She had a valid point, that it was still enforce and that it was already known and the foundation was there to build upon, easy to get going again and get the word out.

After a few days of putting it off and trying not to be childish about it I finally let it go.  I said that she had some good points and then I went into Facebook and made the changes and added the person that could have control of it now and gave it up.  It was hard to do.  I think because it was another remind of how I felt let down and hurt by the church I had gone to as a whole.  A place that I poured myself into and was forgotten.  I was part of the women's ministry that I gave my gifts too and had a card ministry and then the page and even a blog (the blog I took down along time ago).  But when I my "cup" was empty, it stayed empty.

It started to bother me how I was reacting and thinking about it all.  I think I've worked through it now, sort of and will continue with my Heavenly Father. 

Well the Lord does have his way of getting our attention....

The other day in my email was a devotional titled " What to do when Church Disappoints".  That certainly caught my attention, I made note of it until I had time to sit and read it. It was a short read but there were a few statements that jumped out to me.
"The purpose of the church is primarily twofold: strengthen one another and draw unbelievers to the Lord.  We need to be a part of a local church so that our gifts/calling can be put in actions."

So at this point not only was God changing my perspective on my attitude for the situation but he was getting my attention about going back to church or at least finding a new one or putting myself in a situation where there is fellowship again.

The rest of it went on to say:
We can't love Christ and dismiss His body--anymore than someone can love a parent--but hate the child.  Jesus wants His children to find ways to love one another and work towards reconciliation/understand as much as possible.

The third step is to restore ourselves in church fellowship that gives opportunity to serve the body of Christ and our communities.  

I have experienced first hand of giving when I didn't feel like giving, it brought me joy and the other joy and that was such a good feeling.

It went on....

Then this came up:
Resist the urge to underestimate the value of your presence and spiritual gifts that you bring to your local church.

The Prayer at the bottom of the page:
Dear God, I'm disappointed in my church, but I know that You've called me to serve in the ministry.  Lead me in the right direction that will result in glory to Your name.  In Jesus' name, amen.

credit to Daughters of the Creator by Crystal McDowell

So with this I will work on my feeling of being hurt and let down and let it go.  I will also look into a new church again, I had looked awhile back but.....I also have to say that at this point I can not bring myself to go back into the church family of my past.  I think that is alright.  I am a different person than when I had gone there.  I think it was a stepping stone.  There is one thing that did come out of that church family, its an amazing woman in my life that is very dear to me and I'm not sure where I would be today if it wasn't for her being there for me.  She knows who she is.....she recently got a new fur baby to love on.  I'm thankful for you my beautiful friend.

I'm thankful for the Lord.  I'm thankful that He knows how and when to speak into my life.

Spring Re-organizing continues

Friday night was a nice evening spent with Ben.  We went out to dinner and enjoyed a yummy cheeseburger and fries.  Afterward we went over to Best Buy to walk around there and to see if Ben could find the next DVD in whatever series he is watching now.  I took the time to ask about wireless routers and combos of a router and modem.  I'm trying find ways to cut my internet bill some and also my router is on its last leg soon.  If I buy my own modem it will cut off $10 bucks on my monthly bill.  I like the idea of the combo.  I asked a few questions and looked at a few.  I have my mind set on one, I just need to wait until I really can afford or come close to affording it lol.

Ben stayed the night and we enjoyed cuddling and Netflix in an empty apartment for awhile.  Kyle was work and Sara stayed at a friends house.  He left early on Saturday morning to go home and get some things done around his place.

I stayed most of the day home to continue working on the project I had started last Sunday.  I got Ben to move the dressers for me on Friday night.  I worked around the apartment most of the day and then went to Sams and the post office.

Didn't feel like doing dinner, I was tired, so I had gotten stuff to make super duper nachos!  Sara and I ate dinner together and watched a movie.

So as you can see from the pictures I made a ton of progress compared to last weekend.

I moved my rocking chair out where I can sit in and enjoy it more.

This makes my heart warm and fuzzy feeling with happiness.  I love this dresser.  It one of the pieces I wanted from Chaparral out of the house I grew up in.  

I still have a pile to go through on the couch and several little piles in the dinning room areas but I will work on it throughout the week and hopefully I will get it all done by the weekend.  The next project I want to tackle is the storage closet outside.  

I want to pull everything out and really go through things and hopefully end up with less things so that I can make room for the things left at my ex-husbands house.  That project with what is left over there is not something I look forward to doing at all, but it will have to be conquered soon so that chapter of my life there can really be closed for good.

Here is me!  Finally taking a few moments to myself.  Sara and I went out and about earlier to Target to get her some new shorts for physical fitness at school and then I wanted to go browse around at Barnes and Noble.  (I wish my mom had been with me, we like doing that together)  Sara sat in the car while I went in.

I took a quick pick of this verse this morning during my time with the Lord and sent it to my mom.  Its a good reminder for myself too....

I bought these two books today!

I think I'm going to enjoy them.

Well its 4:36 p.m. on a Sunday late afternoon, the weekend has almost come to a close.  I have to go make dinner early so that it is ready for when the kids want to eat.  I'm going to a friend's daughter's birthday party at the bowling ally, at 6:00, she is turning seven.  Then I plan on coming home and relaxing the rest of the evening, ready for a new week.

A Sara Saturday

Last weekend, looked a little like this......

And last Sunday a little like this......I decided to do some major cleaning out and organizing.

Easter 2018

This Easter was very low key.  I slept in, took Sara's friend home after she had spent the night.  Sara went back to sleep after dropping her off.  Kyle slept most of the day until work.  I set out their baskets.  I didn't do much, they are older but I wanted to do a little something so I did.  It seems the kids still love little surprises and tradition.

I delivered Karlee's to her and then we ate a quick bite to eat for breakfast before she had to go to work.  She is the one that loves traditions so much and helps keep them going.

Benny Boy jr. died.  :(

It turns out that I possibly killed him without meaning too.  I was quite sad when it happened and I do miss my little buddy.  I cleaned out his tank, but apparently you only clean out part of the water not all of it.  They build up a slime and their own bacteria on their skin and then when that is all gone then well........it isn't good as you can see.  I didn't realize how attached I had gotten to my fish, but realized it more and more as the day went on and then in the morning the next day, I went to say good morning and well......no fish.

The next day after work I went and got him.  He is a Rose Gold Betta.  He doesn't have a name yet, not sure what to call him.  I can't call him Rosie, and Goldie sounds silly.....so he is just a fish that swims in the tank.  Fish really do have personalities and he is always moving and seems quite happy. I'm sure I will come up with a name soon.

The rest of the day on Sunday was spent doing a little laundry, going to the grocery store and cooking dinner.  The day was filled with little joys and blessings, very thankful.

Good Friday

Good Friday was perfect!  It was an awesome day spent with Ben! I really do enjoy spending time with him.  We got up Friday morning after the kids went off to school and got ready for our day.  We drove to Sedona.  I love the drive to Sedona, always so pretty.  There were lots of people milling around, it was funny some of them had jackets on....you know they were from out of town hehehe.  The sun was bright, the breeze had a slight coolness to the warming of the day.  We were hungry so we found the first place we saw, a Mexican food place with an out door sitting area.

Ben is so ready to relax, he works so much and so hard.

These were some fancy looking shrimp tacos with things you didn't expect to find in a taco, like grapes.....but the flavors were good and we were hungry so it was perfect!

I sent this selfie to my daughter Karlee and she replied back saying it was the best selfie yet!  She loved seeing me so happy!

After we walked around a little we decided we were ready to head to Prescott.  Ben was so determined to get settled for the day to relax, not go anywhere and just chill.  We decided to drive through Jerome to get to Prescott.  I hadn't been to Jerome since I was a little girl.  We would go to visit on day trips when we would come to visit my grandparents here in Flag.  There was this one time when my grandpa Melo was driving and I'm not sure where we were suppose to go but we ended up in Jerome.  I remember how much everyone laughed but still made most of the day and enjoyed it.  I had forgotten about all the windy, narrow roads.  There was so many people all over the place.  Its so crazy how everything really is built into a hill, type valley.  I loved looking at the buildings as we drove through, it would be fun next time to stop and look around.

We got into Prescott and we went to Trader Joes.  Ben knows how much I love going to Trader Joes and stocking up on wine and whatever else I think I have to have.  I didn't do too much damage, a little wine and that was it.

After that we headed to the Prescott Resort.  It was funny when we read the description online and it said that there was a casino in walking distance.  There is a casino called Buckeys in the hotel.  We weren't interested in gambling but just to walk around and look was something to do.

The view from the parking lot, the hotel is up on a hill.

I was trying to take another selfie......funny guy!

I couldn't wait until later in the evening to go out there when I saw this area as we checked into our room.

Went and checked out the casino, had a drink and played the machine at the bar, didn't win anything.

Guess where we headed and found a place to sit outside.....

enjoyed sitting outside as the day was ending....

We ended up meeting and talking to another couple that had been sitting outside. 

And now a new day has begun.....I woke up briefly early on Saturday and took this picture from the balcony before going back to bed....up too late.

Saturday.

We got up and gathered up our things to head back home.  We were going to go back home through Jerome but we both were so tired we just wanted to get back so we just headed out the quickest way back.  We got back to my place, he went to the couch and I went to my bed and we took naps for a couple of hours.

The time away so great!  We spent lots of time talking, laughing and enjoying each other's company.

The rest of Saturday was spent relaxing and cuddling on the couch watching Netflix.  It ended up being an Indiana Jones marathon kind of day.