Smiles & Frowns This Week

Every weeks has its good moments and not so good moments.  This week wasn't any different.  Life is really how you handle it, and react to it.

I think this is so true and needs to be thought of often.  I might even printed it on a card and post it where I can see if often around me.

Snoopy says it well :)

Need I say more.....

On my Facebook feed there are different posts that pop up upon the interest I've shown when I like others posts and such.  One from Lysa TerKeurst showed up on my feed and it was perfect.  She states:  

"Its not our circumstance that determine whether today is marked by peace or panic.  Its how certain we are that we can trust God"

"There are days I royally miss the mark on not letting panic steal my peace.  But today is a new day.  And I'm choosing to embrace trust and bring peace."

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The Smiles for this week are daily with my kids.  Karlee had surprised me one day this week with a visit at work along with a tea from Dutch Bros.  I enjoyed breakfast one morning with a very dear friend and met her cute, adorable fur baby, Jasper.  I have yet to have a bad day or moment at work because of work...I really do enjoy my job.  

I had mentioned to Karlee the day she came by to see me at work, some concerns and fears about the approaching reality of having nothing to fall back on in regards to money.  The day is very near of not having a back up cushion.  The day is near that will remind me that my daddy isn't there to slip me a 100 bucks here or there or ask me what I need at Sams and place an order long distance to help.  The day is near that I know that my family can't help me any longer, who has helped me for so long now.  My mom is in a different stage of life with retirement that I don't want her to help me much because of where they are at in their lives.  I know she will help when and where she can and she still does at times and I'm very grateful.

But you see where this thinking and fear was leading me.....down a negative self-talk path and things that I can't control but have to embrace my faith and trust in the Lord.

I had told Karlee that I probably will not react very well when that day comes, that it could be as simple as me falling down and crying my eyes out, or a panic attack or I feared but didn't say to her, depression could enter back.  I couldn't help but think of these awful things, the devil really how to play with out thoughts.  I've always hated that part about him.  But the Lord always has a way to bring us back from those thoughts and moments that we try to not let happen, knowing our strength is weak.

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Thursday evening, after I dropped Sara off at volleyball practice I went to the post office to check my mail.  I knew I had to check it soon, knowing my mom had sent a check in the mail to go towards in gathering party supplies and things for Kyle's graduation.  But its the timing that is everything when you need it......

I needed that smile on the back more than she knew when she placed that cute smile sticker on the back of the envelope.

My mom sent me flowers!  Just what I needed!  She didn't know how much I needed her card but the Lord did and knew just when I needed to go check the mail.

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Friday!  I took my card to work with me so I could bring some cheer to work with me, that I had no idea that I really needed at the time.

Before I went to work I sat down on the couch like I normally do every morning and I read through a few things and then I checked my bank account.  It was pay day.  I tend not to enjoy pay days much anymore, actually for a long time now, they bring stress to me.  

I opened up my computer and signed into my bank account, and wrote down the amount of my pay check and the balance of my bank account and stuck the paper in my planner to look at later, when I decided to look at what bills are coming out and all that needs to be paid.

As I drove to work, it hit me!  Out of the clear blue, sort of like I would imagine a big truck coming out of no where and smacking into you.  I started to struggle with holding back tears, a rush of panic washed over me from head to toe and my breathing was picking up some and I focused on driving to work without breaking down into tears.  

I pulled into the parking lot of Safeway and sat there, I still had several minutes before I had to get to work.  I sat there, took a few deep breathes and then started the car and drove the rest of the short distance to work, parked and sat again for a few minutes.  I can't really tell you what thoughts were going on in my head, it was just a panic feeling and an over whelming feeling of feeling tired.  Tired not in the physical sense that I had to sit down or go to sleep, a mental and emotional tired that I had enough and didn't want to keep being strong in that moment.  It happens at times, I'm sure others have experienced it and I always recover and move forward but in the moment its not easy.

The weather was cold outside and cold, it did nothing to help my mood.  I walk into work and go to my desk.  A co-worker from a distance shouts out hello and good morning, I respond back but not my usual happy self.  I go put my lunch in the fridge and get some coffee and go sit down and turn on my computer.  This time I didn't go to the back offices, like I normally do to say hello to the other co-worker back there.  I wasn't trying to be rude, I was trying to hold it together and focus on getting my day started at work.  Friday's are always slow and there are usually just the three of us there.

About 15 minutes into my morning, I have to go back to the co-worker in the back that I didn't say good morning too and give her a paper.  I walk back there.  She looked right at me and asked me how I was this morning, if I was alright.  I stood there silent for a moment, wasn't sure what I was going to do and then it happened.  I let go and that was it!  I replied back and said no and then the tears that I did so hard to hold in came flooding out, I melted down......

We talked some, she gave me permission to dwell and feel the way I felt and reminded me that tomorrow was a new day and that I will have to stand up and keep moving forward.  I ended up sharing some with my other co-worker too.  She said that this was the perfect, safe place to break down.  By the end of they day they both had embraced me with either a hug or their word or both and it was such a blessing.

At the end of the day I headed home looking forward to seeing Ben and start the weekend.  I ended up telling him a little about my day and that I was feeling sensitive and simply said that if I feel my family I will be short on rent, and then I can use a-little of that money left to help this time but next time it probably won't be there and that scared me.

So incase you couldn't figure it out, all this melt down had to do with money or lack of....

For the last two weeks I had not gone to the grocery store, I've made a point to make do and use up the food we have in the freezer and pantry.  Things have gotten slim and I can tell its wearing on the kids and I don't blame them...me too.  I've sat and looked at the money that comes in and the monthly bills and what they add up to.  The reality is I make enough to cover the bills, the bills only! Not food, not toilet paper and household good and gas, just bills!!!  I have to go to the grocery store this weekend.  But I will be short on paying all the bills.

I now know that I have to get back on food stamps, there is no other answer or way around it.  I will always do what I need to for my family but it gets hard on all levels to deal with.  

So many times I'm sure I'm not the only one in this world that had had to make a decision, to eat or to pay a bill, to go into a little debit to take my kid to the doctor or to pay the bills.  It is what it is and I will do what I need to do the best that I know how or can do.

Yesterday was a new day and I enjoyed the day with my boyfriend and my kids and set things aside for the moment.

Today is Sunday, its a new day too.  I will find the strengthen I need, sit down make a list of what we need, plan the meals for the week and go to the grocery store.  I will sit down later today and fill out online to get the process started to apply for food stamps again.  I will continue to use the money I have to keep things going and paid.  The food stamps will kick in at some point in May.  The last of money will probably be gone by the end of May or beginning of June and then the next journey begins.  I can only keep hoping and trusting that God has the next step figured out and things will find a way to turn out good and we will be alright.  

Tomorrow will come, it will be Monday and I will go to work with a smile on my face and hope in my heart and I will keep believing and trusting and moving forward each day.

I know things will work out as they should and by God's plan but its the in between that is the hardest.