Valentines Day 2019

Karlee picked Sara up to have a little sister time with her and Natalie.  They made chocolate covered strawberries.

My handsome son walked into my work 10 minutes before I was getting off work and surprised me with a beautiful bouquet of roses.  I was so surprised!  My heart was so full and happy at that moment.

Then this one drives up to me in her sister's car and surprises me with a box a chocolates!  I was sitting waiting for Ben to get off work.  She used some change she had saved and cashed in at Walmart.  

Then Ben gave me this card.  He was very thoughtful and sweet.  He knows how much I love butterflies.

love it!

Love him!

I made chicken Alfredo for dinner.

I felt very blessed and loved.  Didn't expect anything and was so surprised all afternoon.  So thankful and blessed.  :)

A moment through His eyes

Monday, February 11th

My heart is tender and aches when I hear of a broken relationship, especially of a marriage.  I know so many people from a broken relationship, my kids have several friends from broken marriages, my own parents divorced and I have two under my belt.  Brokenness is all around us and sometimes its seen and others its not.

There is this grocery store clerk at Safeway that when I see her behind the counter I go to her lane.  She is friendly and does a nice job.  I usually stop off at this one closest to work in the mornings so its nice to start the day off when I do stop on a happy and friendly note with good customer service.

Anyways we had a brief conversation that made my heart ache.  She had been talking with the gentleman before me and it seemed to be a deep, thoughtful and serious conversation.  I came up and they finished up their talk and he seemed concerned but very hopeful and gave her some encouragement.  Her last statement as he walked away was that she can  not afford to live her on her own.

She gave her attention to me with a good morning and a smile.  I simply agreed with her said I can not afford to live on my own here either, its so hard.  She said that she just found out over the weekend that her husband of 40 years wanted a divorce.  She said she didn't even know him anymore and was shocked and wasn't sure what she was going to do.  She said again after 40 years....

I asked her if I could add her to my prayer list.  She was so touched, she paused and took a moment before she responded.  She said that would be really nice.  She leaned in and her hand was close, I reached  up and placed my hand on top of hers and told her that I understood and had an idea of what she was going through.  I told her my name and that I come in often and I look for her when she is at a lane.  I looked at her name tag and said Wendy you are in my thoughts and to hang in there.  She thanked me and off I went to work.

It just goes to show you that you never know what others are going through and that we should try to notice and pass along a smile, a kind word or prayers.

I came home at the end of my day from work and wrote Wendy's name on my prayer list in my prayer journal.  I will also do my best to go in the store again soon and say hi and ask her how she is doing.

(I went back in later in the week but her lane had a long line and I was on my way to work so I didn't get to touch in with her but I know there will be another moment that I will be able to)

I'm thankful that I was able to see through His eyes.  When the Lord shows us that another person is hurting its time to take a moment to pray and reflect.

A Cold Snowy Morning

Feb. 6th 2019 Wed at 7:30 a.m.

Yesterday I wrote:

Crunch crunch goes the ground outside.  A man walking his dog on this cold snowy morning just walked by.  The wind is blowing, the cold air is whirling around as the snow hits the ground stacking up on what is already on the white covered blanket.

Soon I will bundle up, go clear and warm up my car and make the drive to work.  It is so hard for me to get out in this weather.  I love looking at it and taking a walk in it maybe or taking a picture of my surroundings.  I really enjoy sitting under a cozy soft blanket on  my couch reading a book, drinking hot tea or relaxing to a silly movie that makes me laugh a ton.

I've always dreaded having to drive in it.  I think its my anxiety that builds up into fear.  My car is safe and the roads are usually alright, at times taking it slow and easy.  But I think its all the what "ifs" out there with other people driving.

I frankly would be happy to not go to work.  For all to stay home and safe.  Sort of like the world...my world here in AZ to shut down, take a break and pause.  But that is not really a good idea and it can't be done, so why think of a silly idea like that.

Another reason I'd rather stay home warm and cozy is because my body hurts and I'm tired.  I haven't talked about it much, having Fibromyalgia what good does it do.  Its part of me and I deal with it daily.

The cold weather is the worst!  Right now as I sit here writing this where my arms are connected to my shoulder hurts and aches, it was hard to lift my arms up to wash my hair in the shower.  It hurt to put my deodorant on under my arms.

My wrist hurts, my fingers to hold this pen. I could go on and on but for now you get the picture.  Some days it take all my energy to get out of bed and start my day with work, my kids and running errands, just daily life in general.

At the same time I couldn't be in bed all day either.  Laying around too long makes my body ache, become stiff and hurt too.

Today I'm giving myself a moment to complain a little.  To complain about the chronic pain I deal with daily.  If its not the cold that does it then its when I'm tired and don't get enough rest or when I'm stressed and worried about something.  It hurts and aches.  those words really do not work well for how I feel but they will have to work.

I get so tired of dealing with it.  It doesn't do any good to tell others or to remind my family because I still have to do the things I need to do.  Although sometimes it would be nice.  The winter cold weather is the worst!!  Bring on Spring!  Bring on some warmer weather please.

Today is Thursday and its another cold day, the sun is shinning some and that makes me happy.  My arms ache still and my fingers as I type this and my neck.....well my whole body aches sort of like I worked out the day before and its sore or like when you have the flu and have body aches.  Well imagine that daily especially when its cold out!!

Well I'm dressed warm, I have hot coffee and my work day will soon begin.  I will go out and warm up my car and get this day started.  I wish I could hibernate like a bear until Spring. No wait even better.....I wish I didn't have to deal with this thing with an odd name, Fibromyalgia, sadly its becoming more and more of a real thing that people and doctors are paying attention and knowing its a real thing.  All I can do is work on me and my lifestyle and all that I put in it and around me as far as stress levels, and self care.  The rest like the weather and the upside world we live is out of my control.

I will always continue to find ways to deal but just know there may days I just want to complain and feel bad and want to hide, for just a bit.

I have to gather my lunch and go warm up my car.  I hope you have a blessed and joyous day no matter what your day brings you or what you deal with daily.

The First Weekend in February

Feb 2, 2019 Saturday 8:37 a.m.

Ben left a little bit ago.  I'll miss him today.  We enjoy each others company so well its hard to be apart.  But if we want to get things done to make room for Sara and I to move in then we have to part ways on the weekends over this next month and half.

Today I sit here looking out the window.  Its so dreary and cold looking out.  Weather is moving in, not sure if it will be rain or snow or some of both.

Its like it has to give us another chance at winter before Spring starts bursting forth.
-----------------------------------

Monday morning, February 4th at 7:23 a.m.

Its wet, cloudy and cold outside.  It is suppose to snow some today and then a bunch over night and into tomorrow.  We shall see what it will do.  Yesterday is rained off and on for part of the day and then turned out nice with the sun shining at times.

I feel like my weekend was productive.  Its starting to looking like we are packing and moving so I think I accomplished the look I was going for hahahaha.  Enjoyed a spontaneous dinner out with Kyle and Sara on Saturday night.  I had been organizing and cleaning on Saturday, I had no make up on and my hair was not the best.  Kyle came over saying he was bored, he started tossing around the bubble wrap roll in the air.  He opened and closed the fridge, I looked at the time, it was time to start thinking about dinner but I was tired.  I asked him if he wanted me to feed him, he said yes that he was hungry.  I was hungry too so I said okay where do you want to go.

We figured it out and then went to wake up Sara and headed to Chili's.  It wasn't planned which I think made it better.  We had a nice time, laughing and talking over dinner.  Kyle gave each of us a hug before parting ways and heading home.  I love time together with my kids.

Yesterday was spent doing more going through things in the kitchen, and dining room area and packing it up or sorting it into a Kyle or Karlee pile.  I planned out the menu for the week and went to the grocery store and did a couple loads of laundry in the background.  Sara was in and out a bit with her friend Brianna.  I fixed caldillo in my pressure cooker for dinner.

This morning before I got out of bed to go take a shower, I laid looking on Facebook briefly like usually do each morning and discovered some very sad news.  An old friend from high school and our parents knew each other because both of our dads worked for the El Paso Natural Gas Company, Brian lost his daughter unexpectedly.  There were not any details just when they were going to do a celebration of life.  They live somewhere in Texas.  I can not imagine the loss of a child.  There was picture posted of her online, very beautiful, probably around my oldest daughters age or a little older.  My heart ached with sadness as I re-read the words of the post and looked at the picture.  My prayers go out to him and his family and all of her loved one that were part of her life.

Life is so short, I'm grateful for what I have and each day that I wake up, to have another day with my kids and loved ones.  I ask the Lord to be with my friend and his family to help them feel peace, comfort during this hard time.  I also ask the Lord to continue to watch over my family and loved ones and to help each of us cherish each moment we have together in this very crazy upside down world that live in, and to look for the joys and blessings in the mix of it all.

Darkness, He Wouldn't Let Me Go

This will be the last post to wrap up January.  January 26, 2019 at 6:20 p.m. Saturday evening. Ben had gone home earlier in the day and Sara was out with friends and then spending the night, so that put me home alone. 

Okay so let me give you a little more background on how this post came about.  I think you can get the feeling from my other posts that I shared about the last part of January that it was shadowed with emotions and reflecting and some deep thought.  Well its because my 3rd child is my challenge child, that is what I've sort of labeled her as.  I'm not meaning that as a bad thing.  I went through a stage with each of them, they each had their own type of crisis or issues and things to go through.  But my baby girl has been hurt and and hurting for so long silently that now it has come out in so many ways in her daily life, interactions with friends and school and just life in general.  All that wrapped up into a young lady that has anxiety and panic attacks is a ton for her to handle much less anyone.

My youngest daughter has started to talk to me more and more, to open up and share some deep rooted things that she no longer wanted to handle on her own and has asked for help. As a parent that is so hard to see you daughter crumble in pieces, so young, its not fair but sadly there are things that have happened in the past that are apart of her story.  I wish to my core that her past was not in her story but my choices were not always the best and there were things and people that I could not control.

Sorry I think I was rambling and you are probably confused. But all that to say is that my youngest shared some very deep rooted memories of being touched by someone that had been part of our life so long ago.  My oldest was 11 when things came out and we only suspected that the same had happened to my youngest but......

The details are not what are important right now and frankly I can't totally go there right now.  But the things that she revealed to me put me in a tailspin heading to darkness.  A darkness that I wanted, I wanted to feel the pain again.  I know it doesn't make much since.

My mind was tangled up.  My emotions were raw and my heart ached and those old memories and emotions rushed in, and they rushed fast. I had decided that I wanted to go dark, to sit with a glass of wine and music, music that I knew would take me to a place that would bring out deep emotions and sadness.  I was giving myself permission to feel the pain all over again, and to feel guilty again.  I decided to sort of be a little self destructive.  I say that because I was deciding honestly between drinking wine or vodka.  I know you are surprised and that is crazy. I was trying to decide how numb I wanted to get.

This road took be down briefly on a few detours of thinking about my dad, and every other major decision that I had made in the best thinking it was the best for me and my family. Doing that on purpose is not really a good plan but it turns out that I was not in control of my plan.

Now remember I was listening to music and had it on shuffle so who knew what would pop up to listen to.  A song "I rise up" came on.  It was at that moment that things sort of just stopped.  I looked around in my dark living room with just a candle lit and sat there staring it for a moment.

I was no longer in control actually I never was.....through out the evening I had been text messaging two people, my wonderful boyfriend Ben and an old friend from high school.  They kept me busy with encouragement and care and before too long Ben had me laughing and he wasn't here with me.  I didn't end up going to the darkness after all.  I stayed up late listening to music but took the new knowledge that I had from Sara and I thanked the Lord for it and knew that it was good that she shared and now we can move onto dealing with it, healing and making peace to keep moving forward.

The Lord didn't let me go into the darkness I thought I wanted to go into.

I'm so thankful that He is in control and that He is bigger and stronger than me.

The darkness is not a place to go to work on things, its only a place to torture yourself and that does not do anyone any good at all.  Its not even a safe place.

Its the light that offers a safe place and offers comfort, peace and healing.

Its like my reaction to her news was almost an old deep seeded knee jerk reaction sadly that I had seen in my life when it came to drinking and how it was used in several people that I know in their lives.  I'm not perfect and I do have my moments that I fall but I didn't fall too far and I owe that to the Lord, my heavenly father above. 

This was a risk to share and be so open, please don't judge me just continue to know and see where I work hard at going to....I run to the Lord, to my faith and I continue to build my relationship with the Lord.

A very dear friend of mine came into the office last week and we briefly talked.  She said you know what study we need to do together.  I rolled my eyes and frowned a little a bit and said that I really don't want to do it.  But she said it would be good to dig deep and clean out the wound so to speak and really heal from it all.  Its called....mending the soul.  Not only does my baby girl need help but I do too.  I'm not ready to dig deep but when I do I will have the support of a very dear friend and the comfort of the Lord around me. 

I'm thankful for my faith, its hard but it is a the best way to try to live in this world that we live in.

Moments of Silence

January 24, 2019 7:45 a.m.

Sometimes its nice to just sit here. To sit in silence, looking around.  The room is quite, all that is heard in the background are the odd sounds from what I'm thinking are some of the appliances and the light above me. 

Outside my 4 walls of this room are sounds of life, cars on the freeway, people outside walking by with their dogs.  My coffee maker makes a noise briefly.  But its silence in my and around me, no voices, no T.V., just me and my thoughts.

I'm looking for something profound to come to me to reflect on or to write about but nothing comes.  I just sit here looking around me, at whats around me, on the walls, outside the window without saying a word.  There is a picture of my dad on the wall, and a metal cross on the other wall.

I'm not thinking of anything in particular but the feeling of calm and taking a moment to just be is enough, almost feels refreshing.  I take a deep breath in and release it and I feel like I've regrouped and ready to start a new day.

A new day outside of this silent room, these 4 walls to go outside into the noise of the day, my work day and whatever else it finds me in or around me. 

I'm ready for my day.
Deep breath in
Deep breath out.

Cherish the Journey

January 23rd 2019 at 7:30 a.m.


I sit here at my table looking around me.  Things are a little cluttered and messy.  I have a stack of boxes that I've been bringing home from work to use to start packing up my things in this apartment.  I have a pile of papers and my bible and a journal on the table.  Above the double door that leads out
to a little patio where I've enjoyed sitting out on when its warm are two little pictures I have hanging above.  One says "Cherish the journey", the other "embrace the moment", in between them are the words "Live", and "Laugh" (missing the work Love, anyways) I can't help but take a moment to think of those words "cherish the journey" as I think about the last two years of living on my own as a single woman, single parent.  Its been a long journey with lots of ups and downs, disappointments but a lot of life in the mix with laughter, joy, togetherness and love too.

I want to embrace how I feel right now and reflect for a moment of where I was two years ago to where I am now.  Now I will soon begin a new journey.  Moving out of this safe small apartment to the unknown of 4 walls shared a little further out of town with my boyfriend and his mom.  Sara, my daughter and I are going on the this journey together.

I'm excited about the new start with Ben in my life.  His mother is such a good sweet person with a huge heart just like her son.  I can't help but feel happy.  I've seen the change in my life just having them both in it.  I see how my kids have taken to Ben, each having their own relationship with him.  I know my kids are happy for me because they have seen, and know how much Ben cares for me and our family.

I'm a little concerned that things will be different and might change some with Ben and I under the same roof all the time but I think that will just help us to know, learn and grow closer in our relationship.

This whole journey of having Ben in my life and my kids over this past year and half has been so wonderful, an example of a normal relationship. 

I will embrace and cherish the journey that got me to this point in my life because its apart of me and is part of my story.  I will not forget the journey of hurt, depression and healing over the past two years prior to now because it made me stronger.  It helped grow my relationship with the Lord.  It taught me and prepared me for the next journey.