This will be the last post to wrap up January. January 26, 2019 at 6:20 p.m. Saturday evening. Ben had gone home earlier in the day and Sara was out with friends and then spending the night, so that put me home alone.
Okay so let me give you a little more background on how this post came about. I think you can get the feeling from my other posts that I shared about the last part of January that it was shadowed with emotions and reflecting and some deep thought. Well its because my 3rd child is my challenge child, that is what I've sort of labeled her as. I'm not meaning that as a bad thing. I went through a stage with each of them, they each had their own type of crisis or issues and things to go through. But my baby girl has been hurt and and hurting for so long silently that now it has come out in so many ways in her daily life, interactions with friends and school and just life in general. All that wrapped up into a young lady that has anxiety and panic attacks is a ton for her to handle much less anyone.
My youngest daughter has started to talk to me more and more, to open up and share some deep rooted things that she no longer wanted to handle on her own and has asked for help. As a parent that is so hard to see you daughter crumble in pieces, so young, its not fair but sadly there are things that have happened in the past that are apart of her story. I wish to my core that her past was not in her story but my choices were not always the best and there were things and people that I could not control.
Sorry I think I was rambling and you are probably confused. But all that to say is that my youngest shared some very deep rooted memories of being touched by someone that had been part of our life so long ago. My oldest was 11 when things came out and we only suspected that the same had happened to my youngest but......
The details are not what are important right now and frankly I can't totally go there right now. But the things that she revealed to me put me in a tailspin heading to darkness. A darkness that I wanted, I wanted to feel the pain again. I know it doesn't make much since.
My mind was tangled up. My emotions were raw and my heart ached and those old memories and emotions rushed in, and they rushed fast. I had decided that I wanted to go dark, to sit with a glass of wine and music, music that I knew would take me to a place that would bring out deep emotions and sadness. I was giving myself permission to feel the pain all over again, and to feel guilty again. I decided to sort of be a little self destructive. I say that because I was deciding honestly between drinking wine or vodka. I know you are surprised and that is crazy. I was trying to decide how numb I wanted to get.
This road took be down briefly on a few detours of thinking about my dad, and every other major decision that I had made in the best thinking it was the best for me and my family. Doing that on purpose is not really a good plan but it turns out that I was not in control of my plan.
Now remember I was listening to music and had it on shuffle so who knew what would pop up to listen to. A song "I rise up" came on. It was at that moment that things sort of just stopped. I looked around in my dark living room with just a candle lit and sat there staring it for a moment.
I was no longer in control actually I never was.....through out the evening I had been text messaging two people, my wonderful boyfriend Ben and an old friend from high school. They kept me busy with encouragement and care and before too long Ben had me laughing and he wasn't here with me. I didn't end up going to the darkness after all. I stayed up late listening to music but took the new knowledge that I had from Sara and I thanked the Lord for it and knew that it was good that she shared and now we can move onto dealing with it, healing and making peace to keep moving forward.
The Lord didn't let me go into the darkness I thought I wanted to go into.
I'm so thankful that He is in control and that He is bigger and stronger than me.
The darkness is not a place to go to work on things, its only a place to torture yourself and that does not do anyone any good at all. Its not even a safe place.
Its the light that offers a safe place and offers comfort, peace and healing.
Its like my reaction to her news was almost an old deep seeded knee jerk reaction sadly that I had seen in my life when it came to drinking and how it was used in several people that I know in their lives. I'm not perfect and I do have my moments that I fall but I didn't fall too far and I owe that to the Lord, my heavenly father above.
This was a risk to share and be so open, please don't judge me just continue to know and see where I work hard at going to....I run to the Lord, to my faith and I continue to build my relationship with the Lord.
A very dear friend of mine came into the office last week and we briefly talked. She said you know what study we need to do together. I rolled my eyes and frowned a little a bit and said that I really don't want to do it. But she said it would be good to dig deep and clean out the wound so to speak and really heal from it all. Its called....mending the soul. Not only does my baby girl need help but I do too. I'm not ready to dig deep but when I do I will have the support of a very dear friend and the comfort of the Lord around me.
I'm thankful for my faith, its hard but it is a the best way to try to live in this world that we live in.
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