Day by Day in a New Light

I know that after the previous post that it was on the serious deep side of life. I know that it’s only been a day since that night happened and things are not as they were. Which they shouldn’t be that would defeat the whole purpose of going through all that we did. Things are not to be solved so quickly and perfect! It is the new light that shines between us day by day that will get us to the next moment together. There is no need to rush and say okay its fine all fixed now. Its day by day in a His light that will carry us to the next knowing that in the end by his grace all will be good for all in the end and will bring Glory to our almighty Savior. There will be bumps in life, life won’t always be rainbows and candy filled happy go lucky smiles but it won’t take long to bounce right back into those joyous bright shining moments either.

By His Grace I stood

He sat there with a cold look of deep emotionless determination looking right into my eyes telling me to leave that he didn’t want me here anymore, he didn’t have the time or patience to keep dealing with me and to get out and if he needed to physically remove me that he would. Then he turned his back towards me and continued his task at the computer. He unfortunately has said those things to me before. (Let’s just say we’ve had some bumps in the road since we said the words “I do” back in September ) In the past when he would say those words to me they crushed me and I would just crumble inside and start crying and feeling really bad as if the world came to an end.

This time though my reaction was somewhat different….I looked at him and my heart was stabbed like a knife and the pain was indescribable but my mind reacted the opposite. It was like I was in shock and denied the words spoken and stood boldly and said “You don’t mean those words”. Despite him repeating them a few more times I still stood my ground that he didn’t mean them and they were not going to happen. I told him several times that I will not leave. I will not turn away. I am here and I’m not going anywhere. I too had a raw emotionless determination.

Words came tumbling out of my mouth like a running faucet left on for hours. I finally shut off the valve and left the room and went downstairs to calm down my daughter. (She was not doing well with our fight that broke out ) She stormed off and I was left by the sink in the kitchen just standing there when it all hit….the meaning of his words. My body slumped like a lifeless rag doll as I started thinking about what would I do if I was on my own again with my kids. I soon stopped that thinking as an amazing calmness surfaced and I stood upright strong and determined as I started to the same words from earlier that wasn’t going anywhere.

I looked at the clock and went upstairs to see if the girls were ready for bed, the boys were already in bed. Their room was dark and the door was closed. I popped my head in but there was no sound. I tucked my girls in bed and told them that everything would be alright and this is our home and that we are not going anywhere, this will work. My oldest daughter cried herself to sleep my youngest gave me a big hug and held me for a while. ( I held on tight and enjoyed her little arms holding “mommy”)

I left the room and took a deep breath and went back into our room. I spoke calmly and firm and asked my husband to make the decision as to where I was going to sleep tonight, at home or at my grandmother’s (who has been out of town) I left the room and asked him to think about it and went back down stairs, sat on the couch hugged a pillow close to me and folded my hands in prayer.

I sat there for a while, I was tired and it was getting late so I went upstairs and asked him where I was sleeping and he said where I always have slept. I tried to get him to tell me more of what was in his head and he didn’t say much again and that left me frustrated. My mouth started to open again and wouldn’t stop but every few minutes. He’d say a few things then I’d start again. Finally it came to a breaking point to where I was hurting inside so bad and wanted so much to express myself and solve what had just happened when I realized that I couldn’t and then I started to cry uncontrollably and mutter things in between it all. I cried so hard. I was so mixed with emotions ranging from anger, to pain to confusion to self pity to reckless thoughts to utter sadness. I felt like this was the moment of truth and didn’t know what to do with it or what direction to go in. I felt so helpless, so lost and defeated, so exhausted.
This whole time I was sitting on the floor a distance away from him sitting in his computer chair by his desk.
In my head I kept telling myself what my heart echoes about us being placed in each others for a reason and purpose. How I thought it was for us to continue to grow and change with Christ at the center. I felt lead to move here and be with him. How much I loved him and want to be here at his side as his wife.

I just settled in to the fact that we were meant to be and that it work out and that things wouldn’t be this hard, but I have felt like turning around and walking away at times too. I told myself that I would fine with all this if it was only temporary, making the most of it and holding on to the good.

Finally there was a long silent pause. I by this point had calmed down, a little numb feeling inside but ready to deal with whatever would be exposed by all this and told myself that things would be alright no matter what.

My husband spoke softly and made one statement and that was enough. He shared with me why he thought God has placed me in his life.

He rose from his chair and stood above me took his barefoot and moved it close to my hand and sort of nudged my hand. With my head facing down looking at the carpet I put my hand on his foot. He said come here and helped me rise from the floor into his arms. We stood there in each other’s arms for a while and then we parted and put a movie on and cuddled watching it and then went to sleep.

The next day when I went to wake up my girls, I told them that despite my puffy swollen eyes from crying that everything was alright and will be alright and it’s okay. I smiled and kissed each of them and went about the morning as normal (trying to drag them out of bed )

As the new day had gone by it became clearer and clearer that I was not going anywhere I will not leave his side.(at least for now...besides it’s not his plan or mine….it’s God’s plan we just have listen and follow God)
It’s by His grace that I stood and said “You don’t mean those words and I’m not going to leave”

The Ramblings continue

These are some quotes from our speakers that jumped out at me:

“When our heart is right then we can conquer and see through all trials, turmoil etc.”

“When our hearts are at peace in every situation-this glorifies God”

“Meekness is not weak its is strength that is trusting in God and His plan”

“Weather the storms, everything is a test-we have a choice on how we respond-we need to respond through Him.”

Friday I was excited and ready to “run away” for the weekend and have a break from reality. Saturday I was so into making sure I was absorbing it all in and trying not to miss anything and not wanting any of it to end. Sunday morning I was ready to go home and get back to reality. I was cleansed and refreshed, ready to apply my discoveries. I was missing my husband’s hugs and my kids hugs, smiles, laughs, whining, drama, and activities. I was missing my reality. My reality is what I can thrive in because that is where He can work on my heart and make the changes necessary to exist in reality until we meet.

My Bunk

I loved the Camp Fire Worship

The Food was yummy

The outdoors was wonderful. The warm sun shinning bright. The weather was perfect! I love the outdoors.

To Glorify Him

Glorify God that is our purpose in life

This weekend’s retreat was about what our purpose in life needs to be and that is to Glorify God. The whole weekend demonstrated how to give glory to God. Beautiful praises were sung through the most soul-searching, uplifting, giving most awesome music that could be gathered up for this event. We were guided into encouraging one another during group moments. During group moments each of us were being used in our own special ways to minister to the ones around us as we each played a role in our purpose giving glory to the most almighty powerful holy spirit. All were surrounded by opportunities to help serve one another, to share kindness in our actions and words.

Retreat Ramblings……

I heard the words “set us apart from the rest of the world in order to bring him glory” I have always had an idea of that meant but it really didn’t hit home until a situation took place and then the dots were finally connected.

I rode up to the retreat with 3 other ladies, we went up early to Prescott so that we could hang out together, eat lunch and walk around the mall. We are walking through the mall when one of the ladies receives a phone call and she starts to walk off by herself and we hear “where are you calling from?” She returns and we knew by looking at her something was wrong and it upset her. She shares with us briefly and then next thing you know one of the other ladies in our little group takes her by her hand to lead her and the rest of us to a table in the food court area and says “let’s pray right now”. We sat at the table took each other’s hands in a circle and she began to pray. We finished praying and I opened my eyes and glanced up and in front across the way was a man sitting drinking his coffee looking over at us and smiling. It was at that moment I felt different in a good way. I get to the retreat and hear “be holy and set us apart” I smiled to myself and said thank you Lord as I pictured that moment that had happened several hours ago in my mind.

Sara

Kyle

Karlee

Brotherly Love that you can't deny

Today as a fun day with a few bumps in it. With 4 kids the day wouldn’t be normal if there weren’t any bumps in the day to go over. I’ll try to make this short and sweet.

Karlee decides she wants to try to learn how to ride Kyle’s dirt bike. Kyle comes over to me and gives me a hug and then hangs onto me looking the opposite direction from Karlee and says “I can’t watch mom” I laughed alittle and said “why, do you think your sister will get hurt” and he said “yes” and I said “that would bother you wouldn’t it and you don’t want to see that happen” and he just shook his head and hung to me not looking at his sister.

Later…..

Kyle was frustrated with his older sister Karlee. I think he started to not like the idea that she discovered that she likes to ride dirt bikes too. He wanted to take the last ride out to the loading area to leave and it had been changed to Karlee doing it instead. This didn’t sit well with Kyle. At one point he got upset and stomped off to sit in the truck and announce that he was never riding the dirt bike again. Kyle, Sara and I head out in the truck behind Micah, Dillon and Karlee on the dirt bikes. Kyle is having a hard time with his feelings and says out loud “I hate Karlee! I hate her!” I said no you don’t and then shortly after that Karlee wipes out and who was the first one out of the truck to run to her side to see if she was alright……

She was pretty shook up but got back on for a while and then decided to let Kyle take over since they were getting ready to go up a hill then down it and she was tired and her knew ached some. So Kyle finished the rest of the way to our loading spot.

We get home and Kyle asks Karlee if she was going to ride again when they go out riding again. She was frustrated because he’d asked her a couple of times. She tells him to stop asking and why does he have to know and he simply says “Cuz I’m going to bring my knee pads for you”.

I smiled and chuckled after he said that.

Most days you won’t see Kyle and Karlee hug eachother, or get along or hear them say “good night or I love you”. But some days you’ll see the Brotherly love…..that you can’t deny.

Set a Godly Climate

Take a moment and close your eyes. Now slowly start to stroll along a lush green path below your feet. With each step you walk further into an amazing perfect picture of bright colors sprinkled all around. The colors and shapes are amazing as you look at all the beautiful flowers. Now stop and look around you. You are right in the middle of a huge unbelievable inspiring flower garden, it simply takes your breath away.

To have a flower garden you need certain things to create an environment to allow your garden to grow and flourish. You need the perfect climate. A climate that has the right amount of sunlight, water, proper fertilizing, proper temperature and tender care.

Now open your eyes and walk back into where you are at in your life right now. How is your climate? Is there love, kindness, warmth, patience, light there to feel nurtured to grow and change?

I challenge you just as I have challenged myself to “setting” a Godly Climate. A climate that could help us to respond to life rather than react to it.

A climate that will have love, peacefulness, forgiveness, security, blessings, direction, and help in it. A climate that can be around us in our lives by believing, serving, trusting and walking with the Lord in his perfect climate.

How are you going to start?

I will start by slowing down, sitting down, be in his word, sing out to him in praise but most of all. I will speak softly so that I can hear him. I will listen while setting my Godly Climate.