By His Grace I stood

He sat there with a cold look of deep emotionless determination looking right into my eyes telling me to leave that he didn’t want me here anymore, he didn’t have the time or patience to keep dealing with me and to get out and if he needed to physically remove me that he would. Then he turned his back towards me and continued his task at the computer. He unfortunately has said those things to me before. (Let’s just say we’ve had some bumps in the road since we said the words “I do” back in September ) In the past when he would say those words to me they crushed me and I would just crumble inside and start crying and feeling really bad as if the world came to an end.

This time though my reaction was somewhat different….I looked at him and my heart was stabbed like a knife and the pain was indescribable but my mind reacted the opposite. It was like I was in shock and denied the words spoken and stood boldly and said “You don’t mean those words”. Despite him repeating them a few more times I still stood my ground that he didn’t mean them and they were not going to happen. I told him several times that I will not leave. I will not turn away. I am here and I’m not going anywhere. I too had a raw emotionless determination.

Words came tumbling out of my mouth like a running faucet left on for hours. I finally shut off the valve and left the room and went downstairs to calm down my daughter. (She was not doing well with our fight that broke out ) She stormed off and I was left by the sink in the kitchen just standing there when it all hit….the meaning of his words. My body slumped like a lifeless rag doll as I started thinking about what would I do if I was on my own again with my kids. I soon stopped that thinking as an amazing calmness surfaced and I stood upright strong and determined as I started to the same words from earlier that wasn’t going anywhere.

I looked at the clock and went upstairs to see if the girls were ready for bed, the boys were already in bed. Their room was dark and the door was closed. I popped my head in but there was no sound. I tucked my girls in bed and told them that everything would be alright and this is our home and that we are not going anywhere, this will work. My oldest daughter cried herself to sleep my youngest gave me a big hug and held me for a while. ( I held on tight and enjoyed her little arms holding “mommy”)

I left the room and took a deep breath and went back into our room. I spoke calmly and firm and asked my husband to make the decision as to where I was going to sleep tonight, at home or at my grandmother’s (who has been out of town) I left the room and asked him to think about it and went back down stairs, sat on the couch hugged a pillow close to me and folded my hands in prayer.

I sat there for a while, I was tired and it was getting late so I went upstairs and asked him where I was sleeping and he said where I always have slept. I tried to get him to tell me more of what was in his head and he didn’t say much again and that left me frustrated. My mouth started to open again and wouldn’t stop but every few minutes. He’d say a few things then I’d start again. Finally it came to a breaking point to where I was hurting inside so bad and wanted so much to express myself and solve what had just happened when I realized that I couldn’t and then I started to cry uncontrollably and mutter things in between it all. I cried so hard. I was so mixed with emotions ranging from anger, to pain to confusion to self pity to reckless thoughts to utter sadness. I felt like this was the moment of truth and didn’t know what to do with it or what direction to go in. I felt so helpless, so lost and defeated, so exhausted.
This whole time I was sitting on the floor a distance away from him sitting in his computer chair by his desk.
In my head I kept telling myself what my heart echoes about us being placed in each others for a reason and purpose. How I thought it was for us to continue to grow and change with Christ at the center. I felt lead to move here and be with him. How much I loved him and want to be here at his side as his wife.

I just settled in to the fact that we were meant to be and that it work out and that things wouldn’t be this hard, but I have felt like turning around and walking away at times too. I told myself that I would fine with all this if it was only temporary, making the most of it and holding on to the good.

Finally there was a long silent pause. I by this point had calmed down, a little numb feeling inside but ready to deal with whatever would be exposed by all this and told myself that things would be alright no matter what.

My husband spoke softly and made one statement and that was enough. He shared with me why he thought God has placed me in his life.

He rose from his chair and stood above me took his barefoot and moved it close to my hand and sort of nudged my hand. With my head facing down looking at the carpet I put my hand on his foot. He said come here and helped me rise from the floor into his arms. We stood there in each other’s arms for a while and then we parted and put a movie on and cuddled watching it and then went to sleep.

The next day when I went to wake up my girls, I told them that despite my puffy swollen eyes from crying that everything was alright and will be alright and it’s okay. I smiled and kissed each of them and went about the morning as normal (trying to drag them out of bed )

As the new day had gone by it became clearer and clearer that I was not going anywhere I will not leave his side.(at least for now...besides it’s not his plan or mine….it’s God’s plan we just have listen and follow God)
It’s by His grace that I stood and said “You don’t mean those words and I’m not going to leave”