Thanksgiving 2015

This year our Thanksgiving was a time to share with others.  There is this little family that lives in our house.  We rent out the bottom floor to a mom and her 4 children.  She is single and having a tough time of things, she works in Phoenix on the weekends and drives back and forth to be here in Flagstaff during the week with her kids.  Long story short I believe that God knew what he was doing when He lead her here to look and see what we had to offer for rent.  God set the stage for us to be a good part of her life.  She and I have become friends.  She is so sweet and loving, she loves her children so much. Other than her ex-husband and a tiny handful of friends she doesn't have anyone here. Her family lives in Michigan.

My family and I were suppose to have my mom and step dad here for Thanksgiving this year and then when things changed after my dad died then we were going to go to El Paso.  That didn't happen we stayed here and shared Thanksgiving with Angelia and her kids.  I'm so happy that we did.  I'm so grateful that God really does plan out our lives with purpose that we may not recognize at the time.

Angelia & I

Two very cute little girls :)

The kids toys that I have held on to and have stored in the closet, came in very handy.  Maybe now my husband will understand why I keep them and won't get rid of them.

A sweet little family!

A great day together!

My Brother & I

My brother, Jason sent me this little picture above on my phone yesterday.  It was nice that he randomly sent me something.  My brother and I are only 19 months apart.  When we were little we had very few moments of getting along.  I tried to play cars with him but he didn't like my car noises....he said I wasn't doing them right.  He would try to play barbies with me too, but he wasn't being a good Ken doll and not treating the "girls" like he should.  Lol looking back now is funny but it wasn't at the time.  We'd get so frustrated with each other, and this just seemed to continue as we grew up.  Despite it all we always knew that when the going got tough we would always, always be there for each other.

Over the years we have drifted in and out of each other's lives.  There really isn't a single reason that I can find that is an issue between us.  There is a gap and its always been that way.  But since Daddy has died, the gap is trying to get smaller :)

In the big picture daddy is still taking care of us.....

I'm praying that my brother and I will continue to grow closer and get to know each other again.  Its hard at times but I'm sure that God has this one all figured out too :)

Just Keep Smiling

Have you ever seen the movie Nemo?  When Dori the fish says "just keep swiming, just keep swiming"  Well that is what I have been feeling like lately.  I'm gradually getting out of my funk, or depression....whatever you want to call it.  I can't seem to say depression, I like the word funk better.  Anyways its been another busy week, but decent.

Have been working out the details for Thanksgiving, since we won't be going to El Paso to spend it with my mom, plans have changed.  Angelia and I are planning dinner for her family and mine.  She has 4 kids and they live below us.  She has been going through so many things and has needed someone, and I have been able to be there for her, so thankful how the Lord sets things up :)

Angelia spent a lot of time around our house lately, its been great to hang out with her and get to know her more.

This morning I woke up early and it was quite.  Its been the first morning in a while now that I have let the quite take me away to where my thoughts have been going for a while now....to my dad.

As I looked out at the sunny, cool feeling morning I couldn't help but think about something my dad would say to me often.....
"Keep smiling so others will wonder what you are smiling about" then he'd tell me that he loved me and to hug and kiss everyone for him.

Just keep smiling.....

Coffee & Blueberry Pie

Sometimes all you need is coffee and blueberry pie!

Yesterday I was able to spend time with someone who is becoming a good friend.  Its great to be an ear to someone but also to have the favor returned.

She has been my distraction for my funk.

We spent the afternoon together, we went to Safeway to buy ingredients to make homemade Alfredo sauce.  As we walked around we saw different things that looked yummy!

We went to my house and I made some coffee and she cut the pie and then we sat down and enjoyed a little break from life.....lol

It doesn't take much to make little moments special and thoughtful.

Down and out

An observation with feeling depressed...

staying busy only keeps me my body moving, doesn't stop my mind much

taking a shower helps break up the moment and feels refreshing for a few moments

helping others really is a good way to get out of the funk....

giving myself a little time to deal with how I'm feeling and not dismissing it so quickly helps to let it go

the quite moments are tough when the whirlwind subsides

choosing to let God have it and actually giving it to him..

I know the Lord is working in me and this time of my life.  I know I won't stay here in this for too much longer.

Life keeps happening.....

Karlee was accepted to NAU.  I know it may or may not be a big a deal but it represents a new stage in my life to work through.  Its been hard enough that she is 18 and that changes things but the thought of her really growing up and going to college.  I didn't go to college.  I did 2 years of basics at a Community College in El Paso TX.  I think it will be awesome for my kids to go if that is what they want to do.

She is applying for different scholarships and at the other colleges in Arizona, but she has continued to say that she'd like to stay close by to me.  That makes my heart very happy. But if that doesn't work out I know things will still be alright and I will be happy with a little ache inside too....but that is where God will have to come in and help me with that :)

This is a Thirty One bag, yep and it has tools!  My husband's tools, he is ready for the next job lol.  Its funny when my husband starts wanting his own Thirty One bags and great at the same time! :)

Yesterday was Saturday (November 14th) and I didn't do much most of the day.  I was in a funk and sort of depressed in all that I did do.  I did work some for Jane, I did go to two craft fairs but when all was said and done I went home and laid on the coach, sleeping some and my dog, Bosco joined me too.  I didn't plan on going anywhere the rest of day.  I wasn't going to cool dinner.  I wasn't going to do much except lay on the couch and watch some Netflix and not do any serious thinking.  And that is what I did!  Micah came home from the NAU game and fried up some chicken wings and watched Netflix with me.

I hate this sunken feeling I feel inside and its not all related to my dad.  Its so many other things, some normal everyday things in life that all seem to be more amplified right now.

Today is a new day and tomorrow is another new day, I'm not saying things will be perfect and better and so happy but I'm saying its okay to take the time to feel and be the way I am right now as long as I don't lose myself in it all and keep holding God's hand as he leads me onto to the next new moment.  There will be a day that I won't feel the things I do and if I do I won't want to hide, I will be able to stand a little more on my own feet with God just beside me instead of holding me.

Grief in the midst of Life

Grief is not easy.  Its interesting all the emotions that come with it.  It really does seem like a wave in an ocean on how it comes in and then leaves.  Grieving a loss in the midst of what the rest of the world throws out at you can be a little rough but leaning on God is the only thing I know how to do.  So when a wave crashes I grab a hold of God's hand to pull me back ashore.

When life gets rough I push it back to God....

Living Life In between the sad moments

Friday afternoon turned out to be a whirl wind of energy and fun! A friend of mine came over with a friend to look at some of my Thirty One stuff.  So I hurried about and made a quick little display on the coffee table in living room.  It was great to see Clare and Nessa!  They walked in excited to shop when they saw the little display.  Those two had me laughing a smiling within minutes of their arrival.  I decided to make note that if i was ever really feeling down and out that those two would be the ones to call to pick my mood up fast :)  They ended up ordering enough to make it a party under Clare's name and so she earned some Hostess Credit!  It was a great unexpected time!

Okay this first off this is an awful picture really....but I couldn't get another one and had to get this one fast.  Micah hasn't been feeling well and has been cooped up in the house and wanted to get out for a little while.  He actually went with me to a craft bazaar!  I know crazy right....but it was nice and we had fun and then went home and put him back to bed...

Saturday I headed over to this man's house, his name is Tom to get his shopping list.  I go once a week to get his groceries for him.  He pays me a small little amount to help him out. It's perfect, he gets help and I get a little pocket money.  Over where he lives are these wonderful autumn looking leaves :)  I love the color and the feel of golden warmth.

Sunday, was a little tough.  I the day that marked that my dad, has been gone for a month now.  It's crazy to think about, it seems just like yesterday.  So the day started out kind of tough.  But as the day went on I was pulled out into happier moments with the help of friends, and family, and lunch, and shopping.

Life happens and can still be joyous and have a sparkle of happiness in the middle of a sad time in my heart.  I'm so thankful how the Lord works in our lives.

The days after

Friday, the next day after Daddy left us (I have such a hard time saying that he died, its all so final) I was numb.  So numb inside and I sort of felt lifeless.  I was so tired and not up to doing much of anything.  I don't really remember what everyone else was up to because I took a long nap and didn't really notice much around me.

Saturday, still feeling numb but most of all dreading going out to Chaparral (to daddy's house)  Once I got out there I just began to focus on looking through things around in his office area.  We were on the hunt for any important papers, like the will, if there was a will, papers with passwords etc.

I was tired of looking around in his office and so I walked out into the hall way, into the living room.  I stood there just for a moment in silence looking around.  My eyes landed on an Amazon box.  I was curious and I bent down to get it out from under the cabinet it was sitting on top of a popcorn tin (you know the kind where there would be 3 kinds of popcorn for the holidays)  I picked up the box and noticed it was heavy and put it in front of me to look inside.  I moved things around and took a few things off the top and then in the middle of the box were two long narrow, yellow envelopes.  One said last will and testament and the other was a power of attorney/health of James S. Byers Jr.  I stood in shock and really looking hard to make sure it said my dad's name and not Sr. then I grabbed them in my hands and like a little girl running out to her mommy, I hurried out and gave them to my mom saying I think I found dad's will.

My mom was shaking as she was trying to open the envelope fast and peek at what it had written inside on the papers....it was...it was his Will!

The day was emotional but it ended with thankfulness as we continued to see God's hand in all of it.

Thursday Oct 8th 2015

Micah got up and headed back home to Flagstaff.

My mom and I went to the hospital to see how Daddy was doing.  When we walked in we were shocked!  They had some miscommunicated to someone along the way and they had him on oxygen. We talked to the nurse on shift and asked what was going on and then she removed the oxygen.  (it was hard enough and didn't want to prolong any longer...)

We stayed for a while, once again he was agitated and it was so hard for my mom to see that.  We hung in there for a bit and then decided to go get some lunch before running a few errands.

We were asked to meet back at the hospital to talk with a lady from Hospice.  We met up with her and they switched Daddy over to hospice.  Nothing really changed other than a coding on his file.

It was late afternoon and we headed home.  We were all so tired and drained, unsettle because he was still not relaxed.  I struggled with going back up before it got too late.  I got up from the table around 6 something and decided to go take a shower.  I had gotten out of the shower and had a text message on my phone.  It was from an old friend of the family.  Actually more than that, their daughter and I had met on the first day of 1st grade wearing the same sun dress, and sandals and we hit it off after that, her family became my second family/home and same with mine for her.

Anyways....they messaged me telling me they were headed up to see Daddy.  I hurried getting dressed and went out to my mom and said that we had to go back.  By now it was a little after 7:00pm.  We get there to find them standing outside of the room, that was dark and not allowed to go in.  Not sure why when I had given permission for visitors.  We greeted each other briefly and went into the room.  We hadn't been there but a few minutes when nurse, Elsa came in and asked to talk with me.

She strongly suggested that we didn't leave because she said he will be leaving us very soon.

I go back inside feeling not so sure of what I had just been told and went straight to my dad's side and keeled down and took his hand in mine.  I caressed his head and started to tell him that it was alright, that Jason was alright, mom was alright and that I was alright and that he was alright and that it was alright for him to go.

Patti-Jo nudged my mom and said "Linda look at his coloring"  we all saw an instant change in his the color in his face, his breathing slowed down and was drawn in with a long pause and until finally at 8:00 p.m. he took his last breath.  Patti-Jo held my mom as she crumbled and I held his hand and couldn't let it go....I couldn't...I managed to text a few people and my husband called me and then I lost it....

My mom came to my side and encircled me with her loving arms and then daddy's body jumped...over and over again, it startled us and I screamed.  His defibliator was going off trying to restart his heart.  (the nurse had to come in and place a magnet over the place it was in his chest to de-activate it)

He was gone...so quick.
I finally was able let go of his hand and then, Roger gathered us in a circle and said a beautiful prayer.  We sat down and visited for awhile, catching up on old times of when I was in youth group and they were the leaders and so many other memories that we shared.

As we walked out of the hospital I felt a brief moment of joy...pure joy that God had used them to get me back up to the hospital.  I was so happy and thankful in such a sad moment but it felt peaceful too.  We hugged in the parking lot and I kept thanking them and God for coming to visit my dad.

Mom and I went back to her house and eventually we managed to go to bed.
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7:20 am right now...
I awoke with a numb, sad feeling....
Today November 8, a month later...it can't be
My heart aches and I sit here trying not cry like a baby.....
I love you daddy

I sit here with a cup of coffee looking out the window in silence, asking God to hold me in his arms.....

Wed Oct 7th 2015

Micah and I went up to the hospital to be with daddy.  Upon arriving we found him looking so peaceful.  They had him on his side and he was sleeping so soundly.  It was so nice to see him like that.  Shortly after being there we were told that they would be moving him to a room upstairs on the 4th floor.

We were happy to be out of the way in the ICU.  The people were great but not much privacy and we were taking up a spot for another person that might need to be there too. The nurse told us which floor and room to meet her in.

Micah and I walked into the room and oddly enough we were happy--happy with what we saw.  It had a nice view, was big and plenty of comfy seating.  We sat and waited, waited and waited.  We had gotten there early around 8:00 and we were waiting in the room until 1:00 when they finally brought him up.

I was not happy after they rolled him in.  He was not peaceful any longer.  He was agitated, moaning and groaning.  It was so hard to watch and listen to the sounds that came from his throat.  I was so thankful that Micah was there with me.  I was getting frustrated with how restless he was.  After being there for Jan and her mom I knew about the medicines and all that needs to be going on to help comfort the person.  I was on top of it as soon as a nurse came in.  There was no way I was leaving until I could get him more relaxed.  Well being in a hospital here is always so much waiting that goes on along with doing anything in there.

A nurse came in and we spoke.   Come to find out that daddy should have been given medicines every two hours and his last dose was at 6:00 am and its about 1:30 almost 2:00!

He wasn't resting still.  Discussion of not enough was brought up.  then had to get a doctor to give permission for more and to be given in a drip so it could be better given.

After all day he still wasn't as peaceful as he had been earlier in the morning before moving him but there wasn't much else to do.  I was thankful for the nurses that came to care for him while I was there.  It was so hard to leave to go back to mom's but we had been there all day and things were just what they were so we left early evening to catch up and update each other with the activities and decisions and things of the day.

Tuesday Oct 6th 2015

Its the next day.  The day after we decided to take daddy off of the machines.

I find myself this morning searching for a quite spot.  I'm feeling mixed and the need to be close to you, Lord.  There is so much to decide and talk about but Lord the voices in the room that are doing the talking with comments and this and that makes me feel unsettled and I need you to help Lord, help me keep things in check.  Help me to honor you in all I do, say and think and react.

Our emotions are raw and fragile and with that could come with harsh bitter words and actions. As you know my family can be hard to communicate with and there are places in each of our lives that challenge us with each other.  Lord we don't know how to change that.  I know you are there and can change it.  I pray that you stay right in the middle of it all and do what you need to do for each of us.

Lord I do ask to help my brother.  He is lost and not sure what he needs but I know he needs you.
________________
I love the cool crisp air as I sit out here in the yard at my mom's house.  The birds are so musical, chirping and talking to other's. and yes there is a silly dog in the background barking next door but that is alright in the mix of it you are here Lord.  You are with me. The sun looks so pretty as it is trying to peak through the clouds.

I think the day and all it had in it yesterday is making itself known to me and my heart now in this quite moment as I sit here, tears run down my face.

Keep me strong in your word.

Psalm 61:1-4
O God listen to my cry!
Hear my prayer!
From the ends of the earth,
I will cry to you for help, for my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for
you are my safe refuge, a fortress where
my enemies cannot reach me.
Let me live forever in your
sanctuary, safe beneath the
Shelter of your wings.

2 Cor 1:3-7
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.  Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation!  For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you.  then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer.  We are confident tha as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us.
____________

(thoughts of my brother while reading this)
Colo 3:12-17
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Make allowance for each others faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive other.  Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.

Help me clothe myself with tenderhearted, mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Help me to make allowance for each other's faults and to forgive .  Help me to war love--to wear love at all times Lord.

Bind us with love and all perfect harmony to be found, so we can live in peace, and be peaceful while we are living in this hard moment and to find joy and thankfulness in all.

Monday Oct 5th 2015

No one knows how each day will turn out.  I posted on my web page with Thirty One with energy and motivation and a bounce in my step.

I didn't expect to be driving to El Paso TX to say good-bye to my daddy.

I didn't expect to hear his voice so faint, scratchy with moans and groan coming from his lips with a word in the mix of it was "help".  He didn't understand it was me on the phone, he was so confused.

At that point an alarm of fear and concern went off inside of me.  I called my mom at work and then shortly after I found myself telling Jane I had to leave for El Paso.

I went home and talked with Micah--I felt a rush of emotion inside that sent me running around crazy trying to focus on gathering things I needed to pack to get on the road.  I grabbed here and there and shoved in my bag.

I called Scott to tell him what was going on so he could help take care of the kids.  Feeling thankful that the kids were not small and that Karlee was 18.  I left, Micah and I headed down the road.  Only Karlee knew where we were heading at that moment, seeing us off, ready to step into my place for her sister and brother.

I didn't say good-bye to Sara or Kyle.  It was so hard to leave the way I did but there was such an urgent feeling that put us out on the road quickly.  Micah and I borrowed one of Jane's vehicles, so thankful to her.

So thankful Micah was going with me.  As we headed down the road at some point into our journey through my teary eyes and shock feeling I looked ahead in front of us and in the distance for a long while down the road I gazed at the sky....a rainbow appeared in the sky...as simple reminder that God was there to bring with me to bring peace, comfort and strength.
_________________
Darkness ahead of us on the long road to El Paso and the phone calls started coming in and a heavy a heart of sadness engulfed me.

Calls from doctor, then to my mom and brother--decisions being made while traveling. Hard decisions, lots of tears.Hurrying to the hospital...
________________

Daddy laying in a hospital bed connected hear and there, agitated.  I know he could hear me and I knew he knew I was there.  A nurse asked me what my name was-I told her and she said "Oh it was you he was calling out for-saying your name over and over."

Before leaving the hospital I told the doctor to have a DNR in place for the night, but prayed that Jason, my brother would make it in to town soon and that God wouldn't take Daddy quite yet.

To be strong is to Let go

It was a cold snowy day today.  I was ready to come home, cuddle up under a soft blanket and relax with a book.

Since I've been home this evening I have cuddled up under a blanket and I did read some but relaxed no....my heart is heavy right now.  My emotions are all over the place from being pleasing to unpleasing with my thoughts too.

I have been strong lately in getting back into the groove of my normal life since I have been home from El Paso after my dad died.  (that was hard to type and hard to look at on the screen)  But I have been getting back into the swing of things especially since I feel better and not sick anymore and beside life has a funny way of just going along and you get on when you find a place to ride and you then you just hang on and go.

Today I called my brother to get some information from him and the call ended up with me hanging up on him.  He had become impossible to talk to and the way he was coming across was wrong and I had had enough.  I hated the way we got off of the phone. I was shaking inside and out from the rush of emotions that washed over me.

My mom and I have really been in contact more than before, almost daily now around lunch time, to talk of the progress she has made with all the things she has been having to take care of from my dad.  Its added to our closeness in some ways. But at the same time its been wearing on our emotions with all that we are having to deal with from my brother.

Why does it seem that when the going gets really tough then you see how many bail out as fast as they can but along with them is a trail of drama, stress and hurt.  Sort of like the taz mania devil whirls through and left behind is destruction or in this case emotional destruction.

I think I'd rather have my house destroyed than my emotions and heart.

I keep having to be strong when I can't and I know that the only way I can be strong is to let go and lean on God.
He is my strength in all this.  He is helping me to be strong when I find it hard.

So thankful that He has taken me down other trials and journeys so that I know I can let go to be strong.  I don't have to do it all on my own.

I find myself..

I find myself looking around for a sign of my daddy around me....

I have recently noticed that I don't have picture on of him hanging in the hall way.  I have a bunch in albums and in photo boxes (that I want to go through when I have a few quite moments to myself)

I'm going to do something about this discovery and print a picture or two and frame them to hang on the wall.

Sara told me about all her goodies in her candy bag upstairs from Halloween and she mentioned how she has two whole big sized Butterfingers!  Her eyes lite up and so did mine and then my heart sank a little.....those were my dad's favorite too.

I just washed up a few things from that my kids brought back from my dad's and see how happy and cozy Karlee looks under a simple saddle type looking blanket.  She was happy to see one of his grey big sweat shirts washed and ready for her to wear when its cold out.

Kyle, my son has been hooked on a hat that he brought from my dad's, who had so many of them and wore them when he was outside.  Kyle loves the hat and has worn it often ever since we got back from my dad's.

Now when I sit and look around in our living room the stuffed Si from duck dynasty has a whole new meaning and I smile every time I see it and I plan on letting "him" remain in my living room.  (he was a gift for Sara for Christmas one year)

I'm discovering I don't have to look to far and hard to see little things that help me to think of my dad.