Breakdown, Prayers & Blessings

Yesterday Breakdown

Yesterday I felt like I would crack at any moment and break open with a flood of words and tears and then fall into a ton of pieces.

I've been thinking about so many things again, one of them being looking for another job. I know it was coming and that is one thing but when I add that to another cycling of what my relationship is and isn't with my husband its a ton of stuff on top of that......  I do that after so long, get down and out and want something to change.

I went up the road about mid-morning to take something to Micah that he forgotten and needed to be able to get to work.  He actually noticed...that I was in a funk and asked me what was wrong.  I only shared the surface concern, about starting again with a different job and not sure what I was going to do and brought up about the health insurance again, how that is stressing me out too.  He didn't say much, he kept it light and said well go get a waitress job so I could earn tips under the table and get Scott to fill out things online with the state to see if we could get the girls covered.  I frowned and said see you later and went home.

I walked into the house, went upstairs and got in the shower and I started crying, and crying and crying.  It almost felt good to cry.  No one was home....I stood in the shower talking to God and asking him questions and shouting out all that was in my head and heart.    I pulled myself together and got ready for the day.  I went downstairs and fixed a cup of tea and sat on the couch staring out the window for a little while.

I finally started to do things to get my mind off of all that and go online to check out my page for my Thirty One Customers.  I grabbed a notebook after setting the computer aside and started to write "I can do all things through Christ", I can be strong through Christ, I can learn something new through Christ, I can be confident through Christ, I can make changes and be alright through Christ.  I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST!

It was at that moment I felt a little better, a little stronger, and a little ready to start figuring things out without fear.  I guess you could say that was the good thing that came out of a "breakdown".

Early This Morning (Prayers)

The dog wanted out at 4:45 am, I was laying awake trying to go back to sleep from getting up to go to the bathroom,  but got up to take him out.  About 5:00 my daughter sends me a message to let me know that they called it a snow day, and no school.  I laid in bed trying to get all snuggled back in the cozy covers to go back to sleep, but instead my mind woke up and thoughts started running around.  I began to pray and sent it all up to him about my worries about not working much this week and wondering if I would be the rest of the week and if I didn't what would I do and then trying to be thankful for the down time and to help me ease into what is around the corner and on and on and on....At 6:00 my phone rang and it was a recorded message from the school announcing the snow day.  I guess I finally drifted off to sleep shortly after that when I got a message on my phone at 7:00 letting me know that I was needed today after noon and tomorrow and Friday!  I was so happy to read that message.  On that note I decided to just get out of bed and not try to go back to sleep and go enjoy some quite time downstairs.

Boldness from the breakdown and prayers

Later in the morning before I went downstairs to help Angelia with the kids and before Micah headed out the door to work (around 9:00 am) I went to Micah to him know about another item on my mind....us.

Yep!  Long story short I started it off about life being too short and that we should let things go of what we think would be "perfect" of each other and just move past it and start really loving each other, desiring, wanting and cherishing.  It wasn't long that I was in tears and he didn't say much.  The little he spoke was things like "it was ingrained in him" "I don't know", "I'm sorry".  I told him that after 7 years that I was tired and wanted more and thought things should be more since we are a married couple and not be just roommates.  Only to walk away with the impression of it will be swept under the carpet again and time will go by.

It's 5:30 pm now and all I have decided to really focus on and do is to keep moving forward with God's strength, keep praying, and find a good job that will provide for me and my kids on my own.  Beyond that I do not know.  I don't know what that will bring in my life or not bring it but I have to start somewhere.

Blessings

Had a nice lunch with my daughter and friend at Wildflower yesterday.

Went to work in the afternoon

I got all that has been going on inside of me out for the time being.

I have a new focus

I know I can do all things with Christ in my life

Tomorrow is a new day








Today Prayers & Blessings