Crying over Steak!

I was driving back from Marshals this evening, it was cloudy and rainy and I was hungry.  I was thinking about food.  I had a craving for red meat!  A good hunk of steak is what sounded really good.  I thought about going to the Outback by myself for a steak.  I sat at the light and then I started feeling this overwhelming feeling of sadness....I decided I better go home.  Within the short distance of the light and home I had tears going down my face, all because I started thinking about steak!

Steak & Micah! He really did grill good steaks and now I won't be able to eat his steaks anymore and I don't have a grill to do my own steaks and it wouldn't be the same!  And no one to grill me a steak either! Then I drifted back to memories of times spent together eating steak and watching movies or sitting out on the balcony for several of our anniversaries spending time outside enjoying a steak dinner.

I sucked up the tears to get into the house.  I even distracted myself for about an hour or so going through the things I bought and organized my closet down stairs (hall closet is my closet) and started a load of laundry.  By now it was dark and I was really hungry decided I wasn't going back out so I took the shredded pork I just bought out and cooked it up and make tacos for myself.

I put music on, poured a glass of wine and started cooking.  I was in my own little world.  Then I sat down to eat and browse on the computer and different songs came on and then it went down hill from there....I broke.  I broke down and began crying!  Crazy I know, I've been doing so well and feeling so positive and accepting of things but I guess things can sneak in at times.  Then the worst thing I could do was browse on Micah's Facebook page and look at pictures of us and the kids and past times...the worst thing to do dang it!  I wan't to scream at the computer "why wasn't I good enough?!" Why are you so stupid to not see such a beautiful person like me?"  Why?!"

Ugh all because I started craving red meat!!!!! Dang red meat! Steak geezzz

Can you tell it was one of those days that I spent too much time by myself?

I did talk with a friend that came by to look at my Thirty One stash to buy a few things, and we just started to talk and I shared and shared and shared......
maybe it was because I actually vocalized things to a person that hasn't been in the loop of it all and to hear it and say it and know it now is the truly the next step to acceptance....

Where are the kids you ask? Sara is at Lake Powell with a friend and her family, Kyle is at Football camp and Karlee in Phoenix visiting a friend.

I know what I need to do! I need to go study and then go to bed.  I need to pull out some Veggie Tale Movies for a friend in the morning.  I need to get the little grill from the top balcony at Micah's over here and then I need to grill my own dang piece of red meat!! lol