Rambling thoughts

Lately in some of my emailed daily devotionals the topic has been marriage.  Its one topic that I really don't like to think about much less read about what a marriage is suppose to be and how you are suppose to forgive and accept others faults and all.  As I read some of them I can't help but think that what I had this second time around was true what a couple of my closet friends have said.....that you can't really say it was a marriage Katrina.  I try to find comfort in that but.....

It was suppose to be a marriage.  I viewed it as one and tried to treat it that way.  I loved him with acceptance, forgiveness and all that.  But yet there was always something missing the whole last 7 years.

There was this one emailed devotional that I read about how the different areas of a marriage are suppose to happen and are very important in the whole entire relationship.....sadly it mentioned the physical part of two becoming one and the closeness and the bonds that are made that can carry out into the relationship.

There was so much missing!  It bothers me that I will have two divorces behind me when all is said and done....but I'm finding myself trying to convince myself that it wasn't much of one so that I can feel better about it.  I know that I wasn't perfect the whole time and I had moments that I failed, sinned and were wrong in but it hurts that things have ended up as they are.....I sit in an apartment not far from where we lived together, where he sits upstairs in his room on his bed watching his T.V. and movies and legally we are still married.

But no matter what it was and wasn't and how it should have been it was a time that we made some what of a commitment to one another and were faithful to and lived as a couple trying to raise our combined family together for the last 7 years .  It was something!  It was something on some level......how to get past that is where I still struggle.

Sure I can feel "free" and excited about a new adventure and learn to make the most of the changes and keep moving forward but at this point there will always be a part of what was and what wasn't.

I don't know where I'm going with all this, I'm tired and I'm rambling and just tossing around the things that have been in my head at moments of silence.

I should go study....
Yep I'm going to go study right now for a little while.  I'm feeling guilty now after a couple of friends just came over for a bit....Okay Lord thank you I hear you loud and clear :)
The Lord will always find ways to work in our lives and use others to do so to through Him.  So thankful

I didn't realize the funk that I have slowly crept into until after my friends left.  I'm looking up now