2024 closes and a New Year begins

Closing the Chapter on 2024 and Embracing the New Year

As I take a moment to reflect on the past year, I experience a mix of emotions—gratitude, resilience, and a quiet understanding of how far I've come. 2024 was a year of growth, filled with lessons wrapped in both joy and heartache, and I discovered peace in unexpected places.

Throughout the year, I leaned into my creativity, using paint and words to express what my heart sometimes struggled to articulate. I let go of expectations—how things should be, how people should behave, and how life should unfold. Instead, I embraced the flow, trusting that every twist and turn has a purpose.

There were moments of solitude that brought clarity, as well as moments of connection that reminded me how deeply love and kindness shape our journeys. I found comfort in faith, journaling, and in the birds that greet the morning with their songs. I explored new ways to heal, create, and gradually open my heart again—cautiously, but with hope.

Now, as the first month has come to an end and February  unfolds, I feel the promise of fresh beginnings. I don’t claim to have it all figured out, but I do know this: I will continue to move forward with intention. I will embrace what is meant for me and release what is not. I will allow myself to dream, create, love, and believe that what lies ahead will be just as meaningful as what has passed.

Here’s to the lessons of yesterday and the possibilities of tomorrow. 

Bring on the New Year!

Embracing Change: From Breakdown to Breakthrough

From Breakdown to Breakthrough

It's amazing how quickly things can change. I can go from breaking down and crying to feeling like a weight has been lifted off me and being happy! On June 25th, I broke down and sat in all of my emotions one last time, letting go of Ben and allowing him to move on with his life. Oddly enough, I have him to thank for helping me reach closure. He knew he upset me and felt bad. Later on, I found out that he had texted a good friend of mine and told him that he needed to call me. In that conversation, my friend Kevin reminded me that he was turning 50 on July 5th and suggested it would be a perfect time to get away and take a break from it all. The next day, I spontaneously booked a flight to Colorado Springs for the long 4th of July weekend.

It seems that from that moment forward, things started to fall into place! I applied for a new job and my interview was last week on Tuesday, July 2nd at 9:00 a.m. By 12:00 noon, I was offered the position and accepted, and put in my two-week notice on the spot! That evening, I had my paint and sip event that had been planned, and it turned out to be the best group I've had. They really enjoyed themselves. In fact, I had two sets of couples ask if I would come to their home and do a paint and sip there sometime. I was on a roll of saying yes for the day, so I said yes! Now, I have a lead on a side hustle that I think can work out to be cool and fun! I was walking on cloud nine! I was so happy and felt so alive and ready for a new start. My trip to Colorado Springs was so needed and so awesome! I'm ready to move forward!

Reflecting on a Year of Change

It will be one year since Ben and I ended our six-year relationship. At first, I thought I was doing well, but lately, it feels like I'm back to square one. It's frustrating and disheartening; sometimes, I don't know how to cope.

Being alone has its perks, but it also has its downsides. I don't want to be alone forever. I long for the companionship of someone to come home to, to talk to, and to cuddle with while watching a funny show. It's the little things I miss the most.

Despite these feelings, I'm managing. Most of the time, I'm okay by myself. There are great things about being alone, like the freedom to do what I want, when I want, and the time to focus on myself. But at the same time, it's tough not having someone to share life's moments with.

Lately, I've found myself slipping back into old habits of distraction, avoiding quiet times so I don't dwell on thoughts of the past. It's a constant battle to stay present and not let those memories overwhelm me.

I know this is just a phase, and it will pass. Healing isn't straightforward, and it's okay to have setbacks. I'm trying to be kind to myself and take things one day at a time. Here's hoping that the coming months bring more clarity, peace, and some new beginnings.

A weekend of reflection and closure

 A Weekend of Reflection and Closure

This past weekend was a challenging one. I found myself spiraling into thoughts about my past relationship with Ben. I couldn't shake the feeling that something significant was happening, and my intuition was spot on. I decided to visit his mom at her workplace, hoping to touch base with her. Deep down, I knew I would learn something that would affect me deeply. And I did. Ben got married on Friday, May 31st.

When I heard the news, I broke down and cried. It was as if all the emotions I had tried to bury came rushing back to the surface. I told his mom how I felt—that Ben would never truly be happy because he hadn't given himself the time he needed to search and grow, just as he had wanted. I expressed that he didn't have to marry her to be a good father to his child. Susan even agreed with me. She thought it should have been me up there, getting married. She confided that she doesn't recognize her son anymore; he seems "different" like he's just going through the motions to honor his decisions without truly feeling them.

It's sad, and it frustrates me that I still care so much. I miss him—I miss our conversations and the friendship we once had. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I not only had a romantic relationship almost a year ago but also a friend. Grieving this loss all over again feels like a never-ending process.

Despite all this, I'm trying hard to push these thoughts out of my mind. I know I need to let go of the past and focus on moving forward. It's not easy, but I have to remind myself that Ben has moved on, and I must do the same. Dwelling on what was or what could have been only keeps me stuck. It's time to let go and embrace the future, whatever it may hold.

I keep moving forward and I know that brighter days are ahead.

An Update on Diving into the Dating Pool

I'd like to share some updates on my experience with online dating. After my last post, I decided to change my approach. I've reduced the number of men I'm communicating with on the app and am now only chatting with two. One of the men is consistent in his communication, while the other is more sporadic.

I've met one of these men for dinner twice already. Although our conversations are engaging and I feel comfortable around him, I don't sense any romantic chemistry. It seems more like a budding friendship than a potential relationship. I believe he might be interested in more, so I know I'll need to have an honest conversation with him soon to clarify that I only see us as friends.

As for the other man, we've planned to meet the next time I visit my mom. However, as the date approaches, I'm feeling unsure about it. I'm not sure if I'm truly interested in pursuing this meet-up, but I'll see how I feel when the time comes.

Lately, I haven't felt the urge to engage with new matches. Even though I clicked on one man this morning, it's been over a week since I've shown interest in anyone new. I've been clicking 'X' on profiles, rejecting potential matches regardless of whether they seem a good fit. This hesitation makes me question whether I'm ready to continue online dating.

This experience has taught me more about what I want and don't want in a relationship. It's okay to take a step back and reassess my readiness for dating. I may need more time to focus on myself before diving into the dating pool. For now, I'm content with the connections I've made, even if they don't lead to romance.

Diving into the Dating Pool

The other day marked a significant step for me—I signed up to try a dating app. It might seem like a trivial act for many, but it felt like a leap into the unknown for someone like me, who's never been much of a dater. I was hesitant at first, questioning whether I was ready for this new venture. But then I thought, why not give it a try and see what happens? After all, life is too short to let opportunities pass by without exploration.

Admittedly, I'm still navigating my feelings about the whole experience. So far, my interactions have been a mix of phone calls with one man and sporadic messaging with others on the app. It's a novel experience for me, engaging with potential romantic interests through a digital platform. But amidst the uncertainty, I've set a personal boundary—if I start feeling uncomfortable at any point, I'll simply quit the app and move on without dwelling on it. 

At 51, I find myself at a unique juncture in life. Unlike my younger years, when dating wasn't a significant part of my journey, I now harbor a genuine curiosity about what companionship could bring. Perhaps it's the wisdom that comes with age, or maybe it's the realization that life is meant to be lived in its entirety, embracing both the familiar and the uncharted territories.

While the prospect of dating at this stage may seem daunting to some, I choose to approach it with an open mind and a willingness to explore. It's never too late to seek connections, companionship, and even love. So, here's to embracing new beginnings and stepping out of my comfort zone, one swipe at a time. Who knows what the future holds? But one thing's for sure—I'm ready to find out.

Cutting All Ties

 A Necessary Step After a Breakup

I've decided to break all ties with my ex after some careful thought and recent conversations. This decision is about self-care and moving forward, not about being mean or petty.

No More Direct Communication

I have decided to stop contacting my ex directly. If I need to retrieve something from his house or communicate anything important, I will go through his mom. I plan to do this when he's at work or in Phoenix to avoid any chance of seeing him. This way, I can maintain a sense of distance and avoid unnecessary emotional turmoil.

Stepping Back from Social Media

Dealing with social media after a breakup in the digital age can be tough. Seeing my ex's posts on Facebook used to stir up a whirlwind of emotions. To protect my peace, I've made the decision not to like any of his posts anymore. Although I can't bring myself to block him just yet, I'm seriously considering taking a break from seeing his posts. Facebook offers an option to take a 30-day break from someone's updates, and I might just do that.

Letting Go Completely

The decision to end communication is not about holding onto negative emotions. It's about recognizing that he has moved on and that I need to fully let go. Maintaining any form of contact only slows down my healing process. By cutting off communication, I can concentrate on my own well-being, personal development, and future without being constantly reminded of the past.

Self-Care and Moving Forward

Cutting off contact with an ex can be an important part of taking care of yourself. It's crucial to recognize when someone is no longer a positive presence in your life and to take steps to protect your emotional well-being. Moving on from a breakup is a personal journey, and sometimes that journey requires tough decisions, such as cutting all ties.

In conclusion, cutting off contact with an ex can be a crucial step in the healing process. It allows you to focus on yourself and prevents past relationships from interfering with your future. While it’s not an easy step to take, it’s often a necessary one. Here’s to moving forward and embracing new beginnings.