Changes After All

A full time job or not.  Changes did come about not in the way a full time job would have brought about but in a smaller, more meaningful and lasting way.  It brought the attention to one of my desires that has stirred around in me for a while now.  A desire that frustrates me at times, and warms my heart with happiness at the same time too.

FAMILY

Being available.

for the quick little moments and opportunities to be with my husband during the day, for lunch or run an errand for him or to talk

Being available.  

for the kids after school, the homework, the opportunities for intimate conversations, the frustrating moments to learn and grow from.

Being available.

to go pick the kids up from school if they are sick, to stay home and care for them when they are sick, to go watch their games, or plays or presentations at school

Being available.

to have the energy to cook a good meal for my family, to have time to care for my needs (bible study, the gym, my writing time) all of which help me became the person needed for them

Being available while the kids are at home.  Being available to my family during this season of our lives will not last forever.  

 

Back to the "job" thing don't get me wrong I'm not totally opposed to a job, but a part time one.  I know that God will place the right opportunity in my path for things to work out according to his plan.  God will be there to pull us through all the details of our lives and that is enough for me.  Not knowing the hows and whats are alright.  Being open to Him is all I need to be for my family.

Insights

Yesterday I wrote about the job opportunity that didn't happen for me after all.  I began to think about it and looked at my post.  If you look back at it there are a few words in the first paragraph that are italicized.  The words were:  fall back, make husband happy, benefits and changes.

When I look at the words falling back that offers comfort like a security blanket instead of growing or being challenged.  The words make my husband happy, well that seems like I've forgotten who I'm suppose to make happy and praise so that good will come out of it all.  God

Benefits, that would make life easier to have access to insurance, improved fiances etc. well that only looks like I don't trust who is providing for my family and I and is the one always there taking care of our needs as needed (despite our timing) God

And the word changes brought along all kind of worries.  Worries about changes that would be worked out through faith and trust of my Lord and Savior.   I came up with so many worries and so many changes and questions of how would this work or what about this and that?  It didn't bring much peace to me.

But through it all I did grow closer to God in my quite time.  My quite time seemed more productive, more centered around God.  My prayers were more often.  I was reminded that what we may want or not want is not up to us but up to Him.  He has the plan and He will work all the details despite our own understanding. 

A Job?

About a week ago I applied for a full time job.  I was excited for an opportunity to fall back into the things I know around an office.  At the same time part of me didn't want to apply.  I felt like it would make my husband happy.  I could see the benefits but I could also see the down side that brought changes and that is where I found myself struggling.

After I applied I found myself not wanting to talk about it to anyone.  I would change the subject quickly when the few people that knew brought it up.  It would change so many things around me that I started to get bogged down by it all.  I sort of felt for a brief moment that if it was talked about too much then it would happen. (silly me playing into all that nonsense....hey I"m not perfect)

Then I decided to give it to the Lord.  I prayed about my concerns.  Talked about my hearts desire and then I worked on letting it go.  I found myself constantly throughout that day and the next, trying to take it back and then keep sending it His way through prayer.  By the 3rd day I was okay.  I felt at peace and knew that either way things turned out that God would work out all the little details that I worried about.  During this process I did see how much my husband really wanted me to get the job.  That bothered me since I was struggling with "the what if I got it and what about this and than..."

I have continued to go on about the things that fill my daily life.  I've taken on a new project at the church with other ladies.  I look forward to Karlee's next basketball game at school.  I look ahead into the week and weekend to make sure I have all my ducks in a row.  I make a few phone calls for MOPPETS.  I double check that things are ready for Thursday.  Life happens.....

So yesterday on my way over to my grandmother's house after bible study my phone rings.  Its the call, that may change things or it may not.  I listened, commented a little and smiled and said that sounds great.  I didn't get the job but I will train as a back up person to help out when needed.

I called my husband and to tell him.  He was real quite on the phone.  I asked him if he was disappointed and he said yes.  I babble on in my own upbeat way that it was all good and being quite content with the outcome.  The whole time there was more silence on the phone and I started to feel awkward so we ended the call and went about out way.

So it wasn't in my plan right now to take on a full time job but I know that around the corner God is preparing for something else that is in the plan of my life right now.

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you."

New Discoveries

I'm having one of those moments when I want to write so bad but feel so scattered brained and don't know where to begin.  I guess that means I really don't have much to say.....no I just haven't focused lately.  As I look over the last few weeks I see lots of little things that I think could add up to something but then may just be a passing thought to move on from.  Either way I decided to sit down and think of all the little "discoveries" over the last few weeks.

God continues to show me how there is a time and place for different people to come in and out of my life.  There is always a reason that things don't happen my way.  I'm blessed by his timing and therefore a new relationship has blossomed or old relationships has ended but either way God is in control and all is good.

I have discovered that I"m allergic to cilantro.  I can't touch it or eat it!  So that has sort of turned my world upside some since cilantro can be in so many things especially Mexican food, which I love.  But I've decided not to worry about and just be aware of what is in the food that I eat when I'm away from home.

I'm reminded at how quickly time can go by and all the little moments that happen daily need to be enjoyed and treasured for what they are at the time before they are gone.  I think of this mostly with my kids.  For example Karlee just had her first 7th grade dance last Friday.  She was so excited and couldn't wait to dress up and go hang out with her friends at the dance.  I especially liked that idea that she was going with a group of friends instead of a boy (not ready for that yet).  I couldn't help but think back to my first 7th grade dance and remember how the girls were on one side of the room and the boys on the other side, the music playing loud with no one dancing in the middle of the room.  She said that actually wasn't the case and she danced in a group with her friends and had so much fun. 

She is growing and changing so fast.

My son Kyle is going to be 11 years old next month and I have noticed lately how much he has grown and changed too.  For example he has finally started to let me in his world a little bit and has shared a little note that a girl gave to him telling him that she liked him.  Not that I want him to have a "girl friend" at this age but it seems to be the next growing phase I think for boys when they start changing and growing in their relationships and encounters with girls.  I guess what I'm trying to express is that my son shared something with me that I know was hard to share but he felt like he could and that means so much to me. 

On Sunday we were walking out to the van after church and Dillon and Micah were walking side by side.  I knew Dillon was tall but I didn't realize that he is almost as tall as his dad.  So when I need to tell Dillon something or get on to him about something I'm looking up and feeling very short.

My little Sara bear, she turned 8 last month and she too has changed some.  I love watching her talk to me and explain something to me, her little face lights up with excitement.  She is so expressive when she talks.

There seem to be more little moments with Micah and I.  You know the moments when you find yourself smiling and not so sure why but you can't help but smile.  Moments of fun and laughter, more moments of opening up and sharing which ends up expressing so much more love than what could be voiced.

New perspective on things can really make things come alive again.  I had a conversation with a friend today and I walked away feeling inspired again and full of hope.  It amazes me how often we can get stuck on looking at things in our own way and how hard it is to get unstuck to look at things a little differently.  Once you do look at things with a new perspective its amazing how alive you can feel again.

But with each new "discovery" positive or negative God is always there guiding  me with wisdom, love, discipline, and encouragement to get me to the next discovery that makes a difference in my life and gives glory to him.



Isaiah 43:19
¹⁹ For I am about to do something new.
      See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
   I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
      I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. (NLT)

A lost but now found frienship

I'm sitting here wishing I was in El Paso right now.  I would be able to get the box down from the shelf to browse through it.  Since I have moved here to Flagstaff almost 2 years ago, I still do not have all of my stuff here.  Its stuff like pictures of the kids when they were babies, photo albums, old journals, and my high school stuff.  I'm really wanting to look through my high school year books, at old cards and the scrapbook I made.  I hope the next trip my mom or dad makes here to visit that they will bring me those boxes.

I want to drift back into the past some just to job some memories.  A good friend of mine from junior high came back into my life.  We got back in touch with each other maybe a year ago.  It started with a phone call, then on face-book.  For some reason we haven't really re-connected during this time other than quick highlights of each others lives to get us sort of current.  We may occasionally make comments on each others status on face book but sadly that has really been about it.

It's God's timing not ours and he has opened the door to each other again.  My friend and I have shared some of our thoughts with each other that had been kept from the other for so long.  By doing that we had created an empty void between us.

I'm frustrated because I can't glimpse back through pages in front of me, all I have is what is in my head of her and us.  I'm thinking that is probably enough and how it should be for now.  Since this is the moment now and the its the present that stands before us now.  I need to just start with this moment and move forward in our lost but now found friendship.

I'm thankful Lord that you have blessed us with a second opportunity with the gift of friendship.  I'm looking forward to remembering my friend.  I'm excited to get started on getting to know who she is now.

I do ask you Lord to be with us both as we meet again to treat each other with tenderness, patience, kindness, forgiveness, and love.

Do you ever reflect back in order to look forward?

I find myself in a reflective mood tonight.  I’m tired, my neck hurts, and have a headache.  I don’t feel like reading, or doing much of anything that takes energy or a lot of focusing.  So I get out my Zune and plug my ears with the ear buds  and begin listening to music.  I haven’t sat around doing nothing and listening to music in a long time.  I don’t get depressed and have an empty bottle of wine next to me and I don’t block out the world and tuck my kids in bed first so they don’t see me cry myself to sleep.  Yes, I agree that is not a pretty picture that I painted there but it was once a reality in the reflection back.

The girls are in bed, Dillon is playing video games, Kyle is reading and Micah is on the computer so no one needs my attention.  I don’t  need to do anything.  So I will  just listen to music.  I love music, all sorts but I do find myself 99.9% of the time listening to just Christian music.  It’s so uplifting and helps me focus on God and His grace. There are times I listen to other things.  Like I said I love music but it seems to be a trigger for me.  A trigger that can put me in the past.  It can be good or not so good memories of moments in time.  It didn’t take too long for me to start picking song after song to listen to put me right back in those lost moments of time.

I used to get down and out when I would get in this mood but  I don’t  get that way anymore.  I think looking back at times helps me to move forward.  It shows me where I’ve been.  It reminds me of my selfishness and of the times of doing things my way, on my own.   Looking back is to look forward and it’s almost like a meter or graph ( a time line) that I can trace on and see the lessons learned.  When I look back and reflect now I know that healing has taken place.  I don’t have all those deep, painful emotions tied to the reflections anymore so I can now gaze into them and then look forward with a sigh of comfort and peace as I continue with each step in this life that I live.

I know that I can look back to look forward because the Holy Spirit dwells inside of me.  It’s by God’s grace that I don’t get lost in those reflections.  It has everything to do with going to Him and giving it all up and trusting Him.  I will always see the blessing that came out the moment that lead me to fall on my knees crying out to Him. 

It’s like those sayings that say once you go _________ you’ll never go back _______________. ( any example of this has not come to my mind yet so I will let you think of them) 

But how about this one…..

Once you go to Christ you’ll never go back! Meaning that once you go to Him and turn your life over to Him and you’ve had a change of heart you’ll never go back to what you were before.  God is with me and he won’t let me go so far back to that moment in time to lose me.  I think he may take me back at times only to keep bringing me forward and to draw me closer to Him.

Deep breath in and Deep breath out

These last few days I've noticed that I haven't felt like being part of my life.  I've been just sort of functioning and living life like a normal routine but not been.  Its hard to explain but I've noticed it mostly with the kids.  I slow down long enough to hear the main point and then I move on.  I find that I want them to rush and tell me what they need to or I need to do what I'm suppose to do for them then move on. By doing that I miss the little things, and most little things that get missed in my experience are the most treasured. Move onto what, I'm not sure.  Its not like there is something I need to rush off to do.  Things are going well in my life right now, nothing out of the ordinary.  We were blessed during the holiday season with family and friends and enjoyed ourselves.  So nothing is wrong.

It wasn't until today that I really took a deep breath in and deep breath out.  I went to MOPS leadership planning meeting.  For some reason I sort of had an emotional melt down, well really an emotional release.  Apparently a well needed one.  It was short but just enough to look at things internal, get refreshed, let out a big sigh and move on.

The little emotional release was so unplanned (which I know we don't plan them but usually something has gone on or happened to feel or see one coming on) and not the direction I envisioned myself going with it.  But it happened and it was okay.  I wasn't sure where it all came from or why but apparently it was a needed. I'm not sure if it has been a build up of things or just a hidden need that had to have some release.  I know I'm babbling and maybe not making much sense and if a man was reading this they would probably want to lock me up in a white padded room (no I'm kidding)

I think it all goes back to taking too much on with my own strength and not dying to self and giving it up to the Lord.  The Lord is all knowing and places what we need at the time in our life regardless of our own understanding.  So I think in moments like I had today just to remember to take a break to take a deep breath in and deep breath out with the knowledge and faith in the Holy Spirit above is the way to go.