Papers Signed

Today the wind picked up and the clouds moved in and the sky darkened.  It rained hard.  The rain was appropriate for my afternoon. Micah came over and we signed the papers for divorce.  He will take them to the court house tomorrow and we will pay $600.00!!!

I'm in the processing mode so I don't really feel like writing or thinking or doing much...I'm alright.  It was a mixed emotion kind of afternoon but I got through it.  It was sad and this chapter is coming to a close....I have to keep moving on to see how this next chapter in my life will go...

Good thing I have a distraction these next couple of days.....study study and study!

Seriously!!!! Really!!!!

How can you be married to a person for 7 years....to only be missed sometimes!!!!????

I feel like such a fool about last night thinking about him and us over steak!  After today I'm going to have a hard time not playing in my head some of the statements he said today over and and over.

the grill from the top balcony at Micah's

Okay let me back up some....

so last night I sent him a message asking if he would bring the grill over today at some point, and yes in my weakness last night even expressed that I missed him and his steaks.  He did not read the message until this morning at 7:10 am!  He didn't respond at all.  So late afternoon today I sent a message asking him if he got my message from last night and when will he be bringing the grill by.  He responded and said that he would try on his way out to the movies.  

I was laying down looking over my notes when from my window I see him walk by with the grill, he put it down and began walking away.  I walked outside and said thank you then I said hey what about the tank. He said when he got it from the lady years ago when he first bought it he didn't buy it with a tank.  I said well okay but why can't I have one of the other tanks that you have. (I know he has three)  He said no I don't have an extra one and you will have to get your own.  

He looked over the grill and discovered a piece on it was broken and said for me not use it until I fixed it.  I said really!  Well how am I going to do that!? He said okay he would take it and fix it for me.  (gee thanks buddy)  He came in to wash his hands after messing with the grill.  I asked him why does he always ignore me lately.  He said because he has nothing to say.  Oh nice!  

I asked him well what about signing the papers.  He said he didn't understand what the hurry was we are already living separately, its just a piece of paper.  I said what about if you did something crazy with money and we are married and then I would be partly responsible.  He said no that wouldn't happen because you are not on anything other than the bank account.  I said oh thats right just another "normal" part of our marriage, you kept everything separated.  I asked if he was going to take me off of the bank account.  He said he wasn't going to worry about it right now.  I said well okay its not like I have ever really touched it.

I was shocked by now really at how he was viewing all this.  I told him that I thought it was nice that he wasn't having a hard time with any of this but that it was hard for me and I needed this closure.  I said well its not like things are going to change between us so we need to meet up and sign the papers.  He said if he got rained out one day next week that he would meet me to sign.  I said well okay just to call before he headed over so I could make sure the lady would there.

He turned to leave and then I asked one last time "do you ever think about me?  Miss me?" Sometimes.   Then he started walking towards his truck and I turned and walked into my apartment.

God is my provider

A sweet friend of mind reminded me that God is my provider.  My daily provider! Daily!!
He will provide for my needs and what my family needs today.  Today and then tomorrow but not until tomorrow comes.  Today is today with today's needs.  One day at a time.

One day at a time I will trust in you Lord.
One day at a time I will follow you Lord.
One day at a time I will know you Lord.
One day at a time.....

Crying over Steak!

I was driving back from Marshals this evening, it was cloudy and rainy and I was hungry.  I was thinking about food.  I had a craving for red meat!  A good hunk of steak is what sounded really good.  I thought about going to the Outback by myself for a steak.  I sat at the light and then I started feeling this overwhelming feeling of sadness....I decided I better go home.  Within the short distance of the light and home I had tears going down my face, all because I started thinking about steak!

Steak & Micah! He really did grill good steaks and now I won't be able to eat his steaks anymore and I don't have a grill to do my own steaks and it wouldn't be the same!  And no one to grill me a steak either! Then I drifted back to memories of times spent together eating steak and watching movies or sitting out on the balcony for several of our anniversaries spending time outside enjoying a steak dinner.

I sucked up the tears to get into the house.  I even distracted myself for about an hour or so going through the things I bought and organized my closet down stairs (hall closet is my closet) and started a load of laundry.  By now it was dark and I was really hungry decided I wasn't going back out so I took the shredded pork I just bought out and cooked it up and make tacos for myself.

I put music on, poured a glass of wine and started cooking.  I was in my own little world.  Then I sat down to eat and browse on the computer and different songs came on and then it went down hill from there....I broke.  I broke down and began crying!  Crazy I know, I've been doing so well and feeling so positive and accepting of things but I guess things can sneak in at times.  Then the worst thing I could do was browse on Micah's Facebook page and look at pictures of us and the kids and past times...the worst thing to do dang it!  I wan't to scream at the computer "why wasn't I good enough?!" Why are you so stupid to not see such a beautiful person like me?"  Why?!"

Ugh all because I started craving red meat!!!!! Dang red meat! Steak geezzz

Can you tell it was one of those days that I spent too much time by myself?

I did talk with a friend that came by to look at my Thirty One stash to buy a few things, and we just started to talk and I shared and shared and shared......
maybe it was because I actually vocalized things to a person that hasn't been in the loop of it all and to hear it and say it and know it now is the truly the next step to acceptance....

Where are the kids you ask? Sara is at Lake Powell with a friend and her family, Kyle is at Football camp and Karlee in Phoenix visiting a friend.

I know what I need to do! I need to go study and then go to bed.  I need to pull out some Veggie Tale Movies for a friend in the morning.  I need to get the little grill from the top balcony at Micah's over here and then I need to grill my own dang piece of red meat!! lol

Oh my! Its scheduled!

Today was the day!  I scheduled my test!  I'm so nervous.  It will be next Friday on the 29th at 9:00am.  It would be wonderful to pass the first time so I can apply for my insurance license and get an increase in pay and earn commission!  So any and all prayer warriors out there...please start some prayer power for me.

On the home front.....
the kids are doing well.
I'm still trying to settle in with my living/bedroom arrangements.  We haven't gotten all of Kyle's stuff over yet or my dresser downstairs yet so things are still a little all over the place.
Kyle is doing alright so far, he went and hung out with his dad the other day after work.

So this morning I messaged Micah to let him know that the lady in the office next door to where I work can notarize signatures.  And said he could meet me here to sign the papers of the Consent Decree or if we met up somewhere else like a bank or something it would have to be done on my lunch hour and to let me know when and what day would work for him this week or next.  My phone showed that he read the message but did not respond at all.  A little later I asked him if I had received anything in the mail over there with Thirty One and he responded right a way.

I think its very interesting.....

Soooo I don't know I guess I will let it go for a day or so and then approach him again.
You know if he had only shown some hesitation and a little moving towards me then maybe things could be different but now.....we need to keep moving forward on our own paths.

Food, Family & Friends

Friday night Kyle, Matt, Karlee and I went to check out this new pizza placed called Grimaldi's Pizzeria.  Oh my gosh it was so yummy!  I loved the sauce.  Everyone liked it.

This is me heading out to the Celtic Festival on Saturday.  A big step doing something I like knowing Micah will be there.  But I was going to meet up with a friend so its okay.

I'm so blessed to have gone with my friend Linda!  She was the perfect one to go with.

and the Celtic Festival begins with bagpipes :)

Had to see my favorite!  The Wicked  Tinkers!

Don't worry I didn't eat this yummy looking treat by myself, Linda helped :)

Enjoyed taking my son out shopping for school clothes.  I loved spending time with him.  Its defiantly a different experience shopping with him vs. the girls lol :)

Steps Forward!

I looked up how it works when both consent.  I printed up the other set of papers to be filled out by both Micah and I and then we have to sign in front of a notary, make copies, pay a few and submit.  I sent Micah a text message with the info in the pic above and he said "okay".

Okay so it was a little odd being at the Celtic Festival knowing Micah was there, being married yet not and walking around.  But I was okay with it.  In fact when Linda and I first got there, I wasn't even looking for him.  She and I headed over to a corner of the tent to catch the tail end of the Wicked Tinkers playing.  Hadn't even been there but a few seconds and who finds me and comes over to me.  Yep! Micah.  I said hi and we had light small talk type conversation.  He lingered a moment and then went on his way.  Linda leans over and tells me "wow he found you quick, thats interesting."  Linda and I went about our way the rest of the time.  Micah didn't linger too far from the drinking tent.  By the time we ran into each other again he told me he was up his 9th drink. (I only had two beers).  Again he reached out to me.  I was walking through the tent looking for a place to sit to catch the performance of the Wicked Tinkers from the beginning while Linda was in line to get our treat.  I was walking through and then I heard a male voice "Do you want this seat?" I looked over and down and it was guess who?  Micah.  I said no I need two.  He said good luck.  Again we entered into brief small talk conversation and then I left to go get Linda since we were going to have to stand in the back with no seat available.

It was a fun day! I'm glad I went.

Now its time to get back to work. Gene is back in the office! So glad about that, gotta get him caught up on what I did and didn't do lol :)

Friday is over!!

Today is done!  It wasn't tooooooo bad.  At least on the emotional end of it all, it was the best in a long time.  Work was busy and I had a few difficult clients to deal with but I got through it.  I will be glad when Gene gets back in the office on Monday.

My girls and I ended up at the mall after I got off at 4:00.  We enjoyed some time there.  Karlee had brought Sara to work for me so that she could clean the office and get it all done with so we wouldn't have to worry about it all weekend.  She made plans with Marlee and I want to go to the Celtic Festival.

Got home and my son says mom I'm hungry whats for dinner.  Well maybe we shouldn't have but we did.....we went out and enjoyed dinner out tonight at a new pizza place.  It was fun and so yummy for our tummies!  It turned out to be Kyle, his best friend Matt, Karlee and I.  Sara stayed behind to get picked up to go to her friends house.  It was so nice. I enjoyed every moment of sitting at a table with teenagers and conversation.  I really love having my son around again......hey have I said how much I love my son being with me again! :)  I can't help it my heart is so full again.

We hadn't walked in the door when Karlee turns around and says "bye mom" and off she went.

On the way back from dinner I mentioned to Karlee how I'm okay with things now with Micah and I that I'm ready for the divorce, actually anxious.  Its like when I decide to go do something different with my hair I have to go do it quickly and can't wait until its done.  She smiled and said that I'm cute but then said thats good mom.  She was real happy to hear that I'm okay with it.

I had gone over to Micah's the other night with the papers that I downloaded off of the internet and wanted to finish them up with Micah.  He said isn't there just something we both can sign and call it done since we are not fighting over anything and its simple and all instead of starting a case of divorce.  I said I don't know this is all I could find.  I told him if he wanted to try to find something else then go ahead.  He said he'd look and let me know.  I told him firmly to do it quickly and let me know so that its ready to send off or get the process going by the end of the month.

I think this week was so hard because I have moved into the acceptance phase of the grieving process.  And yes I've been grieving the loss.  What ever "we" were it is a loss and a change in my life that I have to walk through.  I'm not saying that its easy or has been easy or will be easy but its a process and I think after the acceptance phase I can move into the healing phase.

I want to find me again.