Its the next day. The day after we decided to take daddy off of the machines.
I find myself this morning searching for a quite spot. I'm feeling mixed and the need to be close to you, Lord. There is so much to decide and talk about but Lord the voices in the room that are doing the talking with comments and this and that makes me feel unsettled and I need you to help Lord, help me keep things in check. Help me to honor you in all I do, say and think and react.
Our emotions are raw and fragile and with that could come with harsh bitter words and actions. As you know my family can be hard to communicate with and there are places in each of our lives that challenge us with each other. Lord we don't know how to change that. I know you are there and can change it. I pray that you stay right in the middle of it all and do what you need to do for each of us.
Lord I do ask to help my brother. He is lost and not sure what he needs but I know he needs you.
________________
I love the cool crisp air as I sit out here in the yard at my mom's house. The birds are so musical, chirping and talking to other's. and yes there is a silly dog in the background barking next door but that is alright in the mix of it you are here Lord. You are with me. The sun looks so pretty as it is trying to peak through the clouds.
I think the day and all it had in it yesterday is making itself known to me and my heart now in this quite moment as I sit here, tears run down my face.
Keep me strong in your word.
Psalm 61:1-4
O God listen to my cry!
Hear my prayer!
From the ends of the earth,
I will cry to you for help, for my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for
you are my safe refuge, a fortress where
my enemies cannot reach me.
Let me live forever in your
sanctuary, safe beneath the
Shelter of your wings.
2 Cor 1:3-7
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident tha as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us.
____________
(thoughts of my brother while reading this)
Colo 3:12-17
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Make allowance for each others faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive other. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.
Help me clothe myself with tenderhearted, mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Help me to make allowance for each other's faults and to forgive . Help me to war love--to wear love at all times Lord.
Bind us with love and all perfect harmony to be found, so we can live in peace, and be peaceful while we are living in this hard moment and to find joy and thankfulness in all.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Monday Oct 5th 2015
No one knows how each day will turn out. I posted on my web page with Thirty One with energy and motivation and a bounce in my step.
I didn't expect to be driving to El Paso TX to say good-bye to my daddy.
I didn't expect to hear his voice so faint, scratchy with moans and groan coming from his lips with a word in the mix of it was "help". He didn't understand it was me on the phone, he was so confused.
At that point an alarm of fear and concern went off inside of me. I called my mom at work and then shortly after I found myself telling Jane I had to leave for El Paso.
I went home and talked with Micah--I felt a rush of emotion inside that sent me running around crazy trying to focus on gathering things I needed to pack to get on the road. I grabbed here and there and shoved in my bag.
I called Scott to tell him what was going on so he could help take care of the kids. Feeling thankful that the kids were not small and that Karlee was 18. I left, Micah and I headed down the road. Only Karlee knew where we were heading at that moment, seeing us off, ready to step into my place for her sister and brother.
I didn't say good-bye to Sara or Kyle. It was so hard to leave the way I did but there was such an urgent feeling that put us out on the road quickly. Micah and I borrowed one of Jane's vehicles, so thankful to her.
So thankful Micah was going with me. As we headed down the road at some point into our journey through my teary eyes and shock feeling I looked ahead in front of us and in the distance for a long while down the road I gazed at the sky....a rainbow appeared in the sky...as simple reminder that God was there to bring with me to bring peace, comfort and strength.
_________________
Darkness ahead of us on the long road to El Paso and the phone calls started coming in and a heavy a heart of sadness engulfed me.
Calls from doctor, then to my mom and brother--decisions being made while traveling. Hard decisions, lots of tears.Hurrying to the hospital...
________________
Daddy laying in a hospital bed connected hear and there, agitated. I know he could hear me and I knew he knew I was there. A nurse asked me what my name was-I told her and she said "Oh it was you he was calling out for-saying your name over and over."
Before leaving the hospital I told the doctor to have a DNR in place for the night, but prayed that Jason, my brother would make it in to town soon and that God wouldn't take Daddy quite yet.
I didn't expect to be driving to El Paso TX to say good-bye to my daddy.
I didn't expect to hear his voice so faint, scratchy with moans and groan coming from his lips with a word in the mix of it was "help". He didn't understand it was me on the phone, he was so confused.
At that point an alarm of fear and concern went off inside of me. I called my mom at work and then shortly after I found myself telling Jane I had to leave for El Paso.
I went home and talked with Micah--I felt a rush of emotion inside that sent me running around crazy trying to focus on gathering things I needed to pack to get on the road. I grabbed here and there and shoved in my bag.
I called Scott to tell him what was going on so he could help take care of the kids. Feeling thankful that the kids were not small and that Karlee was 18. I left, Micah and I headed down the road. Only Karlee knew where we were heading at that moment, seeing us off, ready to step into my place for her sister and brother.
I didn't say good-bye to Sara or Kyle. It was so hard to leave the way I did but there was such an urgent feeling that put us out on the road quickly. Micah and I borrowed one of Jane's vehicles, so thankful to her.
So thankful Micah was going with me. As we headed down the road at some point into our journey through my teary eyes and shock feeling I looked ahead in front of us and in the distance for a long while down the road I gazed at the sky....a rainbow appeared in the sky...as simple reminder that God was there to bring with me to bring peace, comfort and strength.
_________________
Darkness ahead of us on the long road to El Paso and the phone calls started coming in and a heavy a heart of sadness engulfed me.
Calls from doctor, then to my mom and brother--decisions being made while traveling. Hard decisions, lots of tears.Hurrying to the hospital...
________________
Daddy laying in a hospital bed connected hear and there, agitated. I know he could hear me and I knew he knew I was there. A nurse asked me what my name was-I told her and she said "Oh it was you he was calling out for-saying your name over and over."
Before leaving the hospital I told the doctor to have a DNR in place for the night, but prayed that Jason, my brother would make it in to town soon and that God wouldn't take Daddy quite yet.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
To be strong is to Let go
It was a cold snowy day today. I was ready to come home, cuddle up under a soft blanket and relax with a book.
Since I've been home this evening I have cuddled up under a blanket and I did read some but relaxed no....my heart is heavy right now. My emotions are all over the place from being pleasing to unpleasing with my thoughts too.
I have been strong lately in getting back into the groove of my normal life since I have been home from El Paso after my dad died. (that was hard to type and hard to look at on the screen) But I have been getting back into the swing of things especially since I feel better and not sick anymore and beside life has a funny way of just going along and you get on when you find a place to ride and you then you just hang on and go.
Today I called my brother to get some information from him and the call ended up with me hanging up on him. He had become impossible to talk to and the way he was coming across was wrong and I had had enough. I hated the way we got off of the phone. I was shaking inside and out from the rush of emotions that washed over me.
My mom and I have really been in contact more than before, almost daily now around lunch time, to talk of the progress she has made with all the things she has been having to take care of from my dad. Its added to our closeness in some ways. But at the same time its been wearing on our emotions with all that we are having to deal with from my brother.
Why does it seem that when the going gets really tough then you see how many bail out as fast as they can but along with them is a trail of drama, stress and hurt. Sort of like the taz mania devil whirls through and left behind is destruction or in this case emotional destruction.
I think I'd rather have my house destroyed than my emotions and heart.
I keep having to be strong when I can't and I know that the only way I can be strong is to let go and lean on God.
He is my strength in all this. He is helping me to be strong when I find it hard.
So thankful that He has taken me down other trials and journeys so that I know I can let go to be strong. I don't have to do it all on my own.
Since I've been home this evening I have cuddled up under a blanket and I did read some but relaxed no....my heart is heavy right now. My emotions are all over the place from being pleasing to unpleasing with my thoughts too.
I have been strong lately in getting back into the groove of my normal life since I have been home from El Paso after my dad died. (that was hard to type and hard to look at on the screen) But I have been getting back into the swing of things especially since I feel better and not sick anymore and beside life has a funny way of just going along and you get on when you find a place to ride and you then you just hang on and go.
Today I called my brother to get some information from him and the call ended up with me hanging up on him. He had become impossible to talk to and the way he was coming across was wrong and I had had enough. I hated the way we got off of the phone. I was shaking inside and out from the rush of emotions that washed over me.
My mom and I have really been in contact more than before, almost daily now around lunch time, to talk of the progress she has made with all the things she has been having to take care of from my dad. Its added to our closeness in some ways. But at the same time its been wearing on our emotions with all that we are having to deal with from my brother.
Why does it seem that when the going gets really tough then you see how many bail out as fast as they can but along with them is a trail of drama, stress and hurt. Sort of like the taz mania devil whirls through and left behind is destruction or in this case emotional destruction.
I think I'd rather have my house destroyed than my emotions and heart.
I keep having to be strong when I can't and I know that the only way I can be strong is to let go and lean on God.
He is my strength in all this. He is helping me to be strong when I find it hard.
So thankful that He has taken me down other trials and journeys so that I know I can let go to be strong. I don't have to do it all on my own.
Monday, November 2, 2015
I find myself..
I find myself looking around for a sign of my daddy around me....
I have recently noticed that I don't have picture on of him hanging in the hall way. I have a bunch in albums and in photo boxes (that I want to go through when I have a few quite moments to myself)
I'm going to do something about this discovery and print a picture or two and frame them to hang on the wall.
Sara told me about all her goodies in her candy bag upstairs from Halloween and she mentioned how she has two whole big sized Butterfingers! Her eyes lite up and so did mine and then my heart sank a little.....those were my dad's favorite too.
I just washed up a few things from that my kids brought back from my dad's and see how happy and cozy Karlee looks under a simple saddle type looking blanket. She was happy to see one of his grey big sweat shirts washed and ready for her to wear when its cold out.
Kyle, my son has been hooked on a hat that he brought from my dad's, who had so many of them and wore them when he was outside. Kyle loves the hat and has worn it often ever since we got back from my dad's.
Now when I sit and look around in our living room the stuffed Si from duck dynasty has a whole new meaning and I smile every time I see it and I plan on letting "him" remain in my living room. (he was a gift for Sara for Christmas one year)
I'm discovering I don't have to look to far and hard to see little things that help me to think of my dad.
I have recently noticed that I don't have picture on of him hanging in the hall way. I have a bunch in albums and in photo boxes (that I want to go through when I have a few quite moments to myself)
I'm going to do something about this discovery and print a picture or two and frame them to hang on the wall.
Sara told me about all her goodies in her candy bag upstairs from Halloween and she mentioned how she has two whole big sized Butterfingers! Her eyes lite up and so did mine and then my heart sank a little.....those were my dad's favorite too.
I just washed up a few things from that my kids brought back from my dad's and see how happy and cozy Karlee looks under a simple saddle type looking blanket. She was happy to see one of his grey big sweat shirts washed and ready for her to wear when its cold out.
Kyle, my son has been hooked on a hat that he brought from my dad's, who had so many of them and wore them when he was outside. Kyle loves the hat and has worn it often ever since we got back from my dad's.
I'm discovering I don't have to look to far and hard to see little things that help me to think of my dad.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Chilly Days
The other day Karlee and I went up to snow bowl to meet up with the photographer that was going to take her senior pictures. It was beautiful up there but very cold. I stayed in the background while Karlee had her pictures taken. I didn't have my camera with me. I wish I did but I had my phone. I couldn't help but take a quite moment to sit in silence, feeling the cool crisp air on my skin. It refreshed me as I sat looking around at my surroundings, I sought out the Lord in that moment and gave him the ache in my heart with missing my daddy.
I had ordered some new candles from a friend that sells Gold Canyon candles. I just got them and lite them up.....they smell so yummy. Peach and Pumpkin :) Can't help but bring a little Fall in the house .
Today was so cold! A cold winter like feel of a day! Where did Fall go? Hello winter! But I have a comfy soft blanket and a cute warm dog to keep me cozy.
This morning I woke up a little emotional. I miss being able to pick up the phone and talk to my dad.
No matter the day, cold or warm, emotional or joyful He will be my peace.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
God Made My Day
Yesterday was Saturday, one week after the memorial service we had for my dad. I didn't want to participate in life, I cried most of the day and avoided life.
I will share the story of my last couple of weeks soon....but until I'm ready to do that life must go on while I process and learn to live a new normal with a huge gap in my life without my daddy in it.
Today I woke up at 8:00 and grabbed my phone and texted my neighbor, who has become such a good friend to me ever since she moved back from Colorado. I sent her a message asking her what time she would leaving for church. Part of me wanted to hide again from the world but I knew I didn't want to get stuck. So I told myself to get up and get in the shower to get going and get ready for church no matter what.
(She and I have been checking out a different church than we have been going.)
I went next door to get in her vehicle to leave. I still found myself wanting to escape but I didn't. We arrived and I felt a little worried that I would get emotional during the worship music. She said that would be alright.
The music began and the heart started to ache but I felt engulfed by His presence around me :) tears shortly followed after about the 3rd song.
We left afterward and went to her house to continue our conversation that we started in the car about the sermon and things that had caused her anxious and some stress last week. We enjoyed warm apple cider, cheese and pumpkin cranberry crackers together, with a chill in the air and cloudy sky, we felt fall and felt warm and cozy inside.
After I left her house I went to ask my daughter Sara, if she wanted to go with me to the bookstore. I asked her along the way if she was hungry and what she wanted to eat. She said she didn't know....but I did :) so I asked her again and with a huge smile she said Wildflower! So we enjoyed bread bowls with our favorite potato cream cheese soup!
We walked into the bookstore, the air was cool and crisp, it felt good.
Later at home my husband and I enjoyed a cup of hot chai tea.
Soon in the late afternoon my friend returned home and I went next door to give a little gift and we shared conversation for a little while and parted ways for the day.
Between church, music, cool crisp air, hot drinks, warm soup and good company God made my day!
Very thankful
I am broken
but God fills in the pieces
and He is my strength and my hope.
I will share the story of my last couple of weeks soon....but until I'm ready to do that life must go on while I process and learn to live a new normal with a huge gap in my life without my daddy in it.
Today I woke up at 8:00 and grabbed my phone and texted my neighbor, who has become such a good friend to me ever since she moved back from Colorado. I sent her a message asking her what time she would leaving for church. Part of me wanted to hide again from the world but I knew I didn't want to get stuck. So I told myself to get up and get in the shower to get going and get ready for church no matter what.
(She and I have been checking out a different church than we have been going.)
I went next door to get in her vehicle to leave. I still found myself wanting to escape but I didn't. We arrived and I felt a little worried that I would get emotional during the worship music. She said that would be alright.
The music began and the heart started to ache but I felt engulfed by His presence around me :) tears shortly followed after about the 3rd song.
We left afterward and went to her house to continue our conversation that we started in the car about the sermon and things that had caused her anxious and some stress last week. We enjoyed warm apple cider, cheese and pumpkin cranberry crackers together, with a chill in the air and cloudy sky, we felt fall and felt warm and cozy inside.
After I left her house I went to ask my daughter Sara, if she wanted to go with me to the bookstore. I asked her along the way if she was hungry and what she wanted to eat. She said she didn't know....but I did :) so I asked her again and with a huge smile she said Wildflower! So we enjoyed bread bowls with our favorite potato cream cheese soup!
We walked into the bookstore, the air was cool and crisp, it felt good.
Later at home my husband and I enjoyed a cup of hot chai tea.
Soon in the late afternoon my friend returned home and I went next door to give a little gift and we shared conversation for a little while and parted ways for the day.
Between church, music, cool crisp air, hot drinks, warm soup and good company God made my day!
Very thankful
I am broken
but God fills in the pieces
and He is my strength and my hope.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Life Hits!
Sometimes life hits you when least expect it! What do you do when that happens....you roll with it and take one moment at a time until that day is over and then you start all over again.
From Thursday to Saturday Life was hitting me over and over it seemed....now its Sunday morning around 8:20 am before I go over to Jane's, not sure if I will get a break today but we'll see.
Thursday: I'm at Jane's and I get a phone call from the high school. I looked at the time and realized that Karlee was already out and that only meant one other person they would be calling me a about, my son. I froze with concern, not sure why but most of the time when I see one of the schools call me in the middle of the day I sort of panic a little.
It was the school nurse.
Friday: Karlee's 18th Birthday
Saturday: Thought I'd spend the whole day home and clean.....nope it wasn't my day after all!
I realize this post is not finished and its October 10th but I think its fitting when life hits....life just goes on which will lead into my next sad post......I'm numb inside for now....not sure when I will get around to writing my story that started unexpected and ended so quickly with my daddy going onto Heaven. I need some time but I will share...its my way of processing and healing. All I ask is to keep my family in your prayers.
From Thursday to Saturday Life was hitting me over and over it seemed....now its Sunday morning around 8:20 am before I go over to Jane's, not sure if I will get a break today but we'll see.
Thursday: I'm at Jane's and I get a phone call from the high school. I looked at the time and realized that Karlee was already out and that only meant one other person they would be calling me a about, my son. I froze with concern, not sure why but most of the time when I see one of the schools call me in the middle of the day I sort of panic a little.
It was the school nurse.
Friday: Karlee's 18th Birthday
Saturday: Thought I'd spend the whole day home and clean.....nope it wasn't my day after all!
I realize this post is not finished and its October 10th but I think its fitting when life hits....life just goes on which will lead into my next sad post......I'm numb inside for now....not sure when I will get around to writing my story that started unexpected and ended so quickly with my daddy going onto Heaven. I need some time but I will share...its my way of processing and healing. All I ask is to keep my family in your prayers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)