The other night I was hanging out with a friend and we were talking about so many different things. She is at a hard place right now with her life. As we were talking I felt confident enough to speak the words "despite it all I'm happy and okay with where things are at with my husband and I at." Over a time I have come to an acceptance of where I am at with my life. I have mentioned this to two other people, spoke with the same confidence and walked away feeling just fine with it.....encouraged and hopeful.
Not this time, there was something different and I wasn't quite sure that I felt it but a quick feeling of uneasiness washed over me. It seems that the moment those words were spoken they took on a different task. A task of testing....
I didn't realize that my simple act of kindness towards my daughter was going to lead my husband to a strong irritation. Words were spoken calmly but firmly with strong feelings that left me feeling confused and frustrated. It bothers me how I can see where grace should be given and then I'm able to give it but to understand how a person can be graceless and live graceless is hard to wrap my thoughts around.
I found myself walking away, not wanting to fight and went outside on the balcony to weep silently while I gathered myself so that I could go into the next moment and finish out the evening so a new day could start. The moments prior to shut eye were silent, but begging silently for understanding.
I can't fix or change his mind other than to continue to live out my life through Christ. Christ is my rock. This morning I feel a little sad inside, almost as if I'm grieving the raw emotions that I have inside again. I can't help but look down and notice that skirt I picked out today.....is black.
Through tired swollen eyes I step forward, looking upward to the only hope I have that is consistent in my life. I hope you have a blessed Sunday and enjoy moments with dads and loved ones. I'm going to call my dad and step-dad.....
I just read your last two posts...wow. I continue to be encouraged with your pursuit of Jesus in the midst of the disappointments in the relationships around you. I just read Psalm 88 this morning (on my way through Psalms) and thought how despairing it was. My summation in my journal was: "Even though I (the Psalmist) am suffering my whole life, my companions have left me, and I am near death, I still have life to cry out to you. The dead can't." It struck me as so...true...even though it's so hard. The wicked and righteous can go through the depths of despair, but only the Christian has the bedrock of God's existence and our relationship with him even when all else fails. I pray God's presence will meet you in a real way in these times.
ReplyDeletehey there. . . I enjoy your posts so much because they make me want to be a better Christian. You're always honest yet cling to Christ as your Rock no matter what is going on. I pray you can continue to find peace no matter the storm
ReplyDelete