Really saying what's in my head.......
Wow don't know where that came from. Oh wait it came from me...wait did I really say that...I thought that was in my head for my viewing & hearing only.....ooops.
So last night Micah was messing around and teasing me. He also was saying random, crazy, senseless, inappropriate things at the time too. He was acting like a teenage boy I know that looks like him....Anyways you get the idea.
For the most part I just usually roll my eyes and ignore him but I had enough apparently. Micah had made a comment at one point in the evening saying that the alochol was loosening his mouth up and the things that he normally keeps in his head were just spilling out.
Anyways I was making popcorn on the stove and I lost it! Emotionally lost it! I let the hurt show in my voice and the tears that had been held in for so very long were now being unleashed slowly hand the "words that had ben in my head" lately came spouting out too. Expressing my true feelings and state ofmind lately in regards to my relationship with my husband.
I simply spoke the truth "I tell you I love you all time. I tell you I appreciate you and I hug and kiss on your when it annoys you...Can you just show me in your words & actions that you love me?" Then I brought up what he was like before when we dated years ago....well I knew better and shouldn't have went down that road---after he spoke his next comment that is when the tears rolled down my face and I got so frustrated with him.
Seriously he went down the road of how I was physically different compared to now...
He walked away and went upstairs. I finished making my popcorn and wiping my eyes. I sighed deeply and felt bad. I didn't want to get upset and have him move further away from me....
I headed upstairs with a yummy bowl of buttery popcorn. I put it down on my dresser when I got into the room and went to Micah. I hugged him and I told him that I was sorry. I was sorry for expressing my thoughts that I know hurt him and make him feel like "see no matter what I do its not good enough" and that I didn't want him to feel bad and that I love him no matter what and that I know he loves and cares for me in his own way and taht I didn't want to push us further away from drawing closer to eachother. I'm sorry.
I felt his arms tighten around me and I know by the change in his face and his arms he felt bad and was sorry too. (it was like scolding a child or re-directing him)
He said he was sorry too and I saw the gently kindness in his eyes.
(we shared popcorn and watched a movie)
Tommy and I do that sometimes Part of marriage, I suppose. Like you we can reconcile and forgive. I pray God can stop this cycle for us.
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