Ugh Why Did I Go!?

I don't think I should have gone to that wedding last night!  Okay so maybe that isn't right but it did get some tough feelings moving again and it got to me more than I thought.  I noticed it this morning and as the day has gone I have struggled to find a smile and fight back tears.  It irritates me!  Its not like we had a great thing!  So what is it? I don't know.....

So I went to work this morning, and my mind was wondering and my heart was a little sensitive but I fought it and listened to uplifting music.  I'm at the office this week by myself, Gene is on vacation.  About 9:25 am Scott calls me, upset that Kyle isn't up and out of bed yet.  They were meeting at the doctors office, Kyle's leg hasn't been good after he hurt it in football recently.  Scott has never had patience.  Then he called again and said he couldn't find the place.  I told him, I sent him the address and everything and he still couldn't figure it out.  I was beside myself at this point, I hate how he pushes my buttons.  Every since he quite his job he seems like he has been drinking too much, he can't talk well, he can't walk well, he can't seem to function well!  It was a good thing I was in the office by myself, I ended up yelling at Scott on the phone. Not good I know.

With all that frustration at him my emotions were overflowing and needed to come out.  I went in the back room of the office and sat down in the dark for a moment.  I was so angry and then it lead to a little crying and calling out to the Lord asking for his help.  I gathered myself and went to get busy with work, praying that I didn't have any unhappy clients coming in to complain....I was really working at keeping it together and smiling when I had to.

I couldn't help it my mind drifted in and out of work to Micah and I.  I couldn't help but start thinking about this coming weekend.  I had to ask him if he was going to the Celtic Festival, and he was with his brother Wyatt and Wyatt's girlfriend Jana.  It was a day we looked forward to go together too.  My emotions kept spiraling and I kept pulling them back together.

Its really ridiculous I think, I'm a fool and I need to stop!  Oh did I mention that I started my morning off filling out the blanks on the divorce papers that I printed up from online?  Maybe that is what did it.

Anyways on and off all day long I struggled throughout the day until I could leave and go home.

I have just decided to sum it up to a funk for the day and look forward to tomorrow being a new day.

I did come home and do some studying, fed my orchids (I'm really trying to nurse them back to blooming) chatted with an old friend from high school on messenger, did a load of laundry, and made dinner.  I think its time to go make some chamomile tea and call it a night soon.  I need a new day to begin again.

Weekend, changes, friends & family

Sara and her friend Briana

They had fun at the pool, now time for some watermelon.

What is summer without watermelon :)

What was my room is now Kyle's room.  I went and bought him a new bed sheet/comforter set.

We re-hung the eagle blanket from down stairs to the wall in his room now.

Living room by day and bedroom by night.

I felt like it was the best thing to do, the easiest and its what I really wanted to do.

Yes there will be some more adjusting and organizing but it was well worth the feeling it gave me to do that for my son.  At first he said no that he didn't want me to do that for him but I insisted and soon he embraced it and is very happy.

Scott came by with Karlee's car, his friend fixed the problem with getting the key out of the ignition.

It was nice see Karlee sitting there with her dad talking with him.  Especially after the latest news, we all need to enjoy these moments of togetherness.

Scott is moving by the end of the month back to TX to go take care of his parents.  They need help and care.  I think it will be good for him and them.  The kids will miss him.  Kyle will have a hard time.  There will be an adjustment but they will be alright.  One of the things that Kyle said and got a little teary eyed was that he won't be there to watch him play on varsity next year.  My heart sank.  This will be good for Scott in so many ways.

We enjoyed Sunday morning together.  Sara had a friend spend the night and Kyle did too.  It was nice to cook breakfast for everyone.  I loved having all of them together to eat and enjoy Sunday morning.  We spent the rest of the day being lazy until late afternoon.  Sara & I got ready to go to a wedding.

I bought a new dress to wear to my boss's daughter's wedding.  Sara is wearing a dress of Karlee's.  She looked so beautiful in it it.

I'm so thankful that my sun shine of girl went with me tonight to the wedding.

It was a beautiful wedding.

I will say that it wasn't easy sitting there watching a young couple get married, sitting next to a very happy couple with a huge happy family.

It was hard to listen to the whole ceremony, it was beautiful but hard.  I fought back the tears.

I couldn't help but think of my situation and my marriage.

Heck I was married, sitting in a church without my wedding ring on.....it just wasn't right...

But I pushed through.

I had a few moments later and shared them with Sara but she helped me hold it together.

In the end I'm glad I went, all in all it was nice to go.  

I just know what one of the things I'm going to work on this week......filling out the papers I downloaded and printed up.....the next step. I have been putting it off but I really need to stop and just do it and then keep trusting in God to continue to guide me.

Oh and guess what I know God is working and has been working in all this....

The couple that we were going to move in with are moving to Montana. 

God does have a plan in my life for my family and I.

Progress, frustrations, news, & smiles

I took advantage of Kyle being out last night, I went in and did my "mom" thing and changed his sheets to blue and made his bed and made it look all nice and neat.  His space is coming together.  Still need to get his dresser here and figure out how to divide the room.  But I got him a place to sleep, put his clothes and play his video games :)

Then I took a blanket that my dad had given to Kyle.  Kyle loves eagles.  I hung it where the open space is as you walk up the stairs so its blocked when you walk up and down, giving some privacy.  He came home and noticed and said thank you, that it was perfect and liked it hanging there.  That made my heart flutter with happiness to see that it made him happy.

So the other half is becoming more defined just have to work the perfect small cozy chairs and divider to make this a functional space.  Its all a work in progress...

FRUSTRATIONS:

He quite his job yesterday!

my ex-husband, the kids' dad

SCOTT!!!!

Its hard to be nice and kind when the grown man can't stand up on and try!

NEWS

Micah is going to be a grandpa!!

Dillon got out of jail and found out his girlfriend is pregnant!  Crazy but unfortunately its something that we always thought would happen, it was just a matter of time and which girl it would be.

SMILES

I came home to a notice on my door.

This was nice to see but I'm pretty sure it was rigged but I will take it just the same. I did pay my rent early.   See from the moment I got into this apartment the dryer has not worked as it should.  They have tried to fix it twice and still it was not drying.  Then I walked in to check to see about the washer and dryer again.  This last time around they said they would replace both and that it would be either Thursday or Friday. Well I was surprised they were doing both but I thought that was cool.  Well I walked int to look and they are replaced both with BRAND new ones!  I got a huge smile on my face and was actually looking forward to catching up on laundry.

So my day ended up pretty good after all.

As I was standing in the kitchen preparing dinner I started working on my next post here and said to myself "who really wants to know about my dryer problems or whatever, but then I said its about the little things that we live life daily.....thats what gets us closer to who God wants us to be....the things we deal with or live in the little moments of life :)" thats when I knew I was really going to continue to update you on the progress of my son's space and the dryer.....

Back to Basics and more.....

At Micah's I had a wipe off board to write down chores, grocery list and the menu for the week.  But now I'm changing it up some.  I have a cute cork board when you walk in behind the door.  Lol the only thing is to get the kids to look at the board.....

I made chicken fajitas, trying real hard to get back into cooking every night.  Kyle and I were the only ones that ate it.....the girls had made flat bread pizzas.  What can I saw its a start :) 

That messy picture is the starting processing of what soon will be a tiny living room area or a sitting area.  Not sure how it will work out yet but until then it looks like this, but it show me how much of the living room is left after creating a room/space for my son to come live with me.

I know I know its a mess but in that mess is my son.  He will be moving in with me.  Last night we started to create his space.  We are not done but we are working on it.  We have to figure out what to use to divide his space from a little area for sitting and relaxing and reading....oh wait I'm the only that still reads in this house for pleasure lol.  But really I want to create a little space that allows a space to hang out and chill and give my son his sense of space too.  

It seems it is taking a long time to settle into my new little apartment with my kids.  We are constantly moving things around but soon we should have a functional, cute little home.  I'm loving how I moved the dining room table and separated the bench from it.  It really opened up the space and looks more open.  We have an area to sit together and eat and then I have my little "office space".

I saw this picture on Karlee's snapchat from the other night. (its a fun app kids use to take pictures on and share with others what they have been up)  I love this picture!  I love how no matter where they find themselves (and yes I can't be with them 24/7 I can only pray and trust)  that when they see each other they are there for each other.  Sister & Brother.  Brother & Sister.  Makes my heart happy!

Fourth of July weekend

Friday after work I went home to relax.  My intention was to go over to Micah's get started on going through things but the girls and I went out to dinner instead and then home.

Saturday, Karlee had to work all day so Sara and I went over to Micah's and went through somethings.  I made a few loads of things.  Micah was home, he talked to Sara some and watched us go through things.  I was a little surprised but Micah wanted to the collage frames that I made with pictures of the kids and things we did as family.  It was fine with me, since I have to scrapbooks I made and access to the pictures if I wanted to re-print them.  

Sunday, Karlee and I spent the day together.  We walked around at the Art in the Park and then downtown.  We enjoyed these yummy salads at the Mix.  Karlee did a little shopping at the Basement, she really likes that store.

Well here is me on Monday, the 4th of July wearing red.  Karlee had to work after all, Sara was still at a friends house.  Sara had gone to the creek on Sunday with them. I slept in until about 8:00 and then got out of bed feeling a little sad and in a funk.  My dad crossed my mind several times, we always had so much fun out at Chaparral with the kids during the 4th of July and also we would celebrate his birthday.  (which is coming up on the 9th)  He loved getting sparklers for the kids.

I finally decided to get out and about and tell myself that I am a strong independent women that can go do things by herself.  I could go back to the Art in the Park again and sit in the grass and listen to music or ...... whatever it was I could do it.  I ended up going shopping, for things around the apartment.  I got in the mood and wanted to continue my mission of organizing!  

I got hungry while I was out and about and so I went to the mall to eat lunch.  I got a nice big yummy all beef hot dog with sauerkraut, and mustard on it with french fries and a pepsi.  I was satisfied since it felt like a true 4th of July meal :)  Then I went home to organize.

I found this yummy yellow watermelon at Sams.  None of the kids were around except Karlee briefly before she left with her friends.  I cut it up just the same and she grabbed some on the way out the door.  Her friend thought it was odd, that it was yellow.  Karlee and I said well its a Texas thing :)  To Karlee it was normal, her dad always looked for a sweet yellow watermelon.

I did some rearranging 

Karlee was at the Fireworks show with her friends and Sara was too.  I sat in the middle of the yard out by the pool here in the apartment complex and watched the fireworks too.  :)

My brother Jason and his wife Bea.  I had sent him a text message saying Happy 4th of July and he sent back their smiling faces.  He said they were on vacation visiting a lake.  They recently moved to Ohio so they were checking out the sites.  I enjoyed getting a picture and seeing how happy they are. 

My 4th of July ring :)

So I didn't cook for my family, and we didn't eat watermelon together and we didn't go to the pool together......

I did enjoy a 4th of July meal.  I didn't have to cook it and that was nice.  I went to the BBQ that was being put on by the CARES team here in the apartment complex.  There were several families and couples that had gone.  It was nice to see.  I said hi to Christy, she and her family are doing the CARES team until the end of summer, they have lived here for 3 years.  They are trying to buy a house.  It was nice to catch up briefly with her.

In the middle of my cupcake was this cute little star ring....

Later I enjoyed some time sitting on my porch enjoying the evening, listening to country music in the background reflecting on family and past 4th of Julys.

To be compatible or not?

"Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet?" Amos 3:3

This devotional in my email caught my attention this morning.  Talking about spiritual compatibility.

Yesterday by the time I got over to Micah's after visiting with a friend, he was home.  I thought he would be working but that was not the case.  Instead I walked in on him cooking breakfast (this was about noon) for himself and his brother Wyatt.  After we got passed the small talk and greetings I began to start looking through my things down stairs in the kitchen/dinning room area.  

Micah finished up cooking and he and Wyatt sat down and ate.  They ate right in front of me as if I wasn't even there.  My feelings were a little hurt but I just moved through it.  I made the statement that I would return (after only being there a short time) that I was going to go get something to eat and pick up Sara.  He didn't say anything and I walked out the door.  

It bothered me, I felt he was rude and selfish and insensitive.  I would have asked if he wanted some food, even though it wasn't planned, but I would have made it work.  I'm not sure what I would have said if he had asked but the idea of him asking would have been nice.  My good ness we were "married" for 7 years!!!

The more I'm away from him the more I see the disconnect we had and its confirmation that I do and will keep moving forward.

Sooooo back to the devotional, I'm sure by now you can see where I'm going with about being spiritually compatible.  (which soon showed its self about a 1year into the marriage) but anyways....

This statement got my attention:  "A spiritually compatible spouse or friend is a gift from God to encourage, exhort, strengthen , and hold each other accountable."

It went on to suggest to access the spiritual compatibility around the following questions.

1.  Who does this person serve?

2.  What spiritual value do they bring to the relationship? (drawing closer or further from God)

3.  Where do they draw their spiritual strength?

4.  Why do they want to be in a relationship with you?

5.  When do they make time for God in prayer and Bible Study?

How is this relationship developing your spiritual maturity?

Has it been a hinderance to your faith?  Well it has been stressful but it has help me grow closer to the Lord.  I'm thankful for that, even though I can't understand why I wasn't blessed with spiritual compatibly in this relationship.  I will not try to figure it out other than to be thankful for the growth in my relationship with the Lord and the key people that have come along side me to support me in this relationship.  I will pray that in the future it will be bring a spiritual companion into this faith journey of mine.

A busy evening

I left working thinking it would be a relaxing evening at home, and enjoy time with Kyle, he decided to spend the night.  My evening went a little like this.....

Got off work
Went to the grocery store to get the ingredients to make shepherds pie for dinner
Went home made dinner, put in the oven and asked Kyle to watch it and take it out and he and his sister Sara could eat.

I left and went to go take Karlee something to eat for dinner at work.  I have told her to plan ahead better but....so being the nice mom that I am I took her some food with the warning that this would not happen again and she needs to plan better and all that.

Then from there I went by Micah's.  Yes Micah's.....I know I know...
Well here is the latest which doesn't surprise me and shouldn't surprise you either.  Dillon was arrested and sitting in jail.  Micah and his half brother Wyatt decided to go through Dillon's room, because once again Micah was having issues with him getting into things that doesn't belong to him.  About mid-afternoon Micah sent me a message with a picture of a necklace and asked me if I have seen it before.  I had, because it was in some jewelry that came from my Nana.  He suspected that and said that I probably should come by and look in Dillon's stuff to see what else he may have taken that could be mine or the kids.

I get there to find a good size pile on Dillon's bed of things that belonged to Micah.  Soon I had a pile to match.  It was crazy to see what all he had taken.  It was frustrating and upsetting but also I had to shake my head back and forth in wonder too.  He has a problem with taking things, this was obvious this time from the strange variety of items that he had accumulated that wasn't his.

After that Micah and I ended up talking, just talking about random things.  On my way out he let the dog out and we stood there for a good length of time talking more....He said he has missed me, that he misses his "movie buddy" and someone to talk to.  I could agree with the someone one to talk to, because I really do miss talking to him.  I finally left and was home around 8:30, by now I had gotten a few messages from both Kyle and Sara wondering where I was at.

Then this morning I laid in bed before finally getting my day going realizing that I had planned on meeting up with a few friends with Thirty One at Bookmans around 6:00.....I was disappointed that I actually forgot.  Well that day is over and new one is now so I'm going to get this one going by heading out the door to work.

I did enjoy walking down the stairs this morning to find my boy sleeping :) that made my heart happy.