Reflecting on a Year of Change

It will be one year since Ben and I ended our six-year relationship. At first, I thought I was doing well, but lately, it feels like I'm back to square one. It's frustrating and disheartening; sometimes, I don't know how to cope.

Being alone has its perks, but it also has its downsides. I don't want to be alone forever. I long for the companionship of someone to come home to, to talk to, and to cuddle with while watching a funny show. It's the little things I miss the most.

Despite these feelings, I'm managing. Most of the time, I'm okay by myself. There are great things about being alone, like the freedom to do what I want, when I want, and the time to focus on myself. But at the same time, it's tough not having someone to share life's moments with.

Lately, I've found myself slipping back into old habits of distraction, avoiding quiet times so I don't dwell on thoughts of the past. It's a constant battle to stay present and not let those memories overwhelm me.

I know this is just a phase, and it will pass. Healing isn't straightforward, and it's okay to have setbacks. I'm trying to be kind to myself and take things one day at a time. Here's hoping that the coming months bring more clarity, peace, and some new beginnings.

A weekend of reflection and closure

 A Weekend of Reflection and Closure

This past weekend was a challenging one. I found myself spiraling into thoughts about my past relationship with Ben. I couldn't shake the feeling that something significant was happening, and my intuition was spot on. I decided to visit his mom at her workplace, hoping to touch base with her. Deep down, I knew I would learn something that would affect me deeply. And I did. Ben got married on Friday, May 31st.

When I heard the news, I broke down and cried. It was as if all the emotions I had tried to bury came rushing back to the surface. I told his mom how I felt—that Ben would never truly be happy because he hadn't given himself the time he needed to search and grow, just as he had wanted. I expressed that he didn't have to marry her to be a good father to his child. Susan even agreed with me. She thought it should have been me up there, getting married. She confided that she doesn't recognize her son anymore; he seems "different" like he's just going through the motions to honor his decisions without truly feeling them.

It's sad, and it frustrates me that I still care so much. I miss him—I miss our conversations and the friendship we once had. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I not only had a romantic relationship almost a year ago but also a friend. Grieving this loss all over again feels like a never-ending process.

Despite all this, I'm trying hard to push these thoughts out of my mind. I know I need to let go of the past and focus on moving forward. It's not easy, but I have to remind myself that Ben has moved on, and I must do the same. Dwelling on what was or what could have been only keeps me stuck. It's time to let go and embrace the future, whatever it may hold.

I keep moving forward and I know that brighter days are ahead.