Enjoying the little things

 

Despite my funky mood that I struggled with yesterday I still managed to enjoy the little things.  I made a point to and when I did that it helped change my mood some.  It also helped when I talked to Sara on the phone for a little bit after she had gotten off of work.  

The key is to always look for the joys and blessings.  I've always said that to my kids.  There are times I need the reminder. I took the picture above on my very short walk yesterday.  It was short because of my knees hurting so bad but it was a nice walk.  

This morning I decided to grab my cup of coffee and my computer and head out to the back porch and sit here enjoying the the chilly morning.  Oddly enough the day is starting off chilly with a strong wind at times.  I'm a little chilly but I find it refreshing at the same time and probably a good way to start off the day as well.

I had another picture to add to this post of the sky and pine trees but its taking forever to load right now so maybe I will save it for later or tomorrow.  Where I live we don't have the best internet service. I make the moments count when I can get online and things corporate. 

I'm going to sit here for a few minutes outside and enjoy the cool breeze, my hot coffee, my wind chimes singing and the birds chirping.  

It has been a week

 We have survived a week! Week since Sara, my sunshine moved out. Today I finally feel strong enough that won't break down and cry right away.  I don't have an odd empty feeling in my tummy and I'm rested and not so crazy emotional.  It wasn't an easy week but now moving forward into the next week of the new adventure that is front of us all in our own ways.

Here is a quick re-cap with a few photos from last Saturday, on move in day.

Heading out of Flagstaff with Sara in front of us.....

Sara had a buddy ride with her to Phoenix :)

Its very hot and she is realizing how hot it is...we are sitting out in the parking lot of Target drinking something cool and eating a-little breakfast while we wait for the apartment office to open.

A nice greeting into their new home!

We took a break from moving Sara and break from the heat, her ac was not working so it made moving day really miserable with the heat.  We headed to a restaurant for lunch and drinks.

Me and my beautiful girls....who both now live in Phoenix :(

The next few pics are of the room that Ben and I got to stay in for the night.  This mirror in the bathroom had bluetooth built into it, so you could play music from it!  The room was very modern.

We enjoyed our stay and have decided that is where we will stay each time we go see Sara, besides its only 6 mins. away from where she lives so its perfect!

Sara & Abbey their first apartment!

It was hard saying good-bye on Sunday.  It was Father's day so we all (Scott, Kyle, Karlee, Ben, Sara, Abbey and I) went out for breakfast.  Scott and Kyle headed out from the restaurant when we were done eating.  We said good-bye to Karlee and then Ben, Sara, Abbey and I headed back to their place for a little bit before saying our good-byes.  It was so very hard.  I cried off and on our way home back to Flagstaff.  It was a quite trip home.  We were so overly tired that it added to our emotional state of mind. 

Monday was hard. I wrote about it mostly in my notes in my phone.  I don't really feel like going into detail right now here, since I thought I woke up today able to handle the idea of writing about things lately but really I'm not.  I started this post this morning, and today is Monday June 28th.  I'm back to writing now and its after lunch but I've found as the day has gone by I'm really struggling.  I'm struggling with finding something to do to stay busy, I'm tired and unmotivated to do much of anything.  I did however do a little yoga this morning after my shower and then also have gone on a short walk so far today.

I miss my girls and its hard to find something to do and I'm in the house by myself and its so quite.  I'm working on laundry so thats going.  I've cleaned the kitchen and straighten up after the weekend.  Its not like I have not done anything but I'm just doing them automatically I think.

I haven't heard back from anyone from Friday after having two interviews so that has me bummed out and the fact that I'm still unemployed is a huge factor in how its affecting me and the way I'm thinking and feeling right now along with the changes of my girls living in Phoenix and I'm an empty nester!

It was a good and fun weekend with Karlee and Nat and I'm thankful for that but now its quite around here.  I loved hearing about Karlee's new job and watching talk with excitement.

I just have to find a new norm for me and I'm not sure how to do that.

The count down

 Mon. 6-14-21 

Sara and I spent the day together. It would be the only day to really make happen for just the two of us.  The rest of week will be full and go by fast.  So we enjoyed lunch at Pita Jungle.  It was so yummy, we sat there saying why haven't we been coming here more often.  Our server was cute and kept looking at Sara. I dared her to leave her snapchat on the receipt and she did!  I think she did it knowing she was moving so why not.  After lunch we did a little shopping and then got a pedicure.  We started out late in the day so by the time we were done with our toes it was almost 4:00 p.m. so we headed home.  The rest of the evening she hung out with Ben and I in the living room watching a show with us.  It was a great day!

__________

Today is Tuesday, 6-15-21 and she has already left for work, her last day of work at Over Easy.  BUT she found out yesterday that she was offered a serving position at one of the Over Easy's in Phoenix!  So that is a super plus to move and already have a for sure job lined up!

Later tonight I think her friend/roommate Abbey will come over and we will have a game night.

Today will be like an errand day for her to get stuff done after work and go see her dad too.  I'm staying home today to get stuff done around the house, like laundry.

__________

Tomorrow I'm not sure what will go on, I know she has a counseling call at 9:30 a.m. and then we talked about going and getting our eyebrows done.  I think she has plans to meet up with a friend.  She is trying to see all of her closest friends before she moves.

__________

Thursday will be a very busy day! Ben took the day off along with Friday.  We will go have her car serviced and then take her to Sams club to get her stocked on things to start her off with all she needs.

Friday we will load up both Abbey and Sara's belongings in a Haul Truck.  Abbey and her family will head to Phoenix on Friday. We will also load up Scott's truck and Sara's vehicle and mine or Susan's truck with what is left of Sara's stuff so we will be ready to head out on Saturday morning.

__________

Saturday.......is the day......we move Sara. My baby! My last little birdie in the nest!!

I have very mixed emotions.....but I'm excited for her next chapter of her life.  Oh and mine too....

A little fun

 So on Saturday I was feeling a little silly and goofy I guess. I don't know I have my moments what can I say.  I love being happy and making others laugh.  There are times it doesn't take much to make belly laugh so hard that I find it hard to stop and I end up with tears coming out of my eyes while everyone around me are laughing a little and rolling their eyes at me.

Here you have a picture of me if I were to be a cartoon character. I discovered a filter on Snapchat and decided to play with it.  I ended up texting all my kids, and my mother to do it and send me a picture of them looking like a cartoon! And they did!! So fun!  Just a fun way to bring a little fun into the moment.

Earlier into the day I enjoyed a little hammock time. 

Its the little things in life that mean the most.

So thankful I can take a small moment and enjoy it in a big way!

A moment of creativity and nature

 6-11-21 Friday. So yesterday I didn't do much around the house. I wasn't very motivated to do anything productive like declutter or clean.  I was in the mood to be creative or just to sit and do nothing.  I ended up spending half of the day lookin online for a job and applying to a ton of places.  I also enjoyed eating pizza with my daughter Sara and her friend Abbey.  At one point they decided that they were going to go outside and try out Sara's hammock. I had gotten it for her birthday back in December.  While they were outside I decided to paint.  So I did.

I've always wanted to try the technique using painters tape.  You rip the tape not worrying about how straight, you want a jagged look.  Then you apply it to the canvas.  Then you paint your picture and take the tape off to still have white strips that will look like aspen or birch trees when you are done.  It was fun! I enjoyed doing this one.  I think it came out good.

It makes me happy when I look at, thinking of summer, nature and fresh air. 

Sara & Abbey.

They managed to get it up and were out enjoy it.  They stayed out there for hours.

I love seeing how happy and peaceful she looks.  After Abbey left she continued to hang out there for another couple of hours too.

She is so enjoying the feeling of hanging and swaying in the trees. I love it!

So yes I had to have a turn too! I've always wanted on but I've never been in one. So crazy to be 48 years old and still doing things I've never done before.  I loved it!! Sara pushed me for a bit so I could enjoy the swaying for a bit too.  So relaxing. A great way to enjoy nature!

I'm hooked! I need one.  Sara said I stole her hammock hahaha...

I'm going to figure out how I can get one!

Coloring

 

I've always loved to color, it seems I have never out grown it.  I loved it when I was little, I did it with my kids when they were small and now I'm 48 and I'm still coloring in coloring books. 

I have found myself doing a ton more since I've been home.  At one point it almost seemed seasonal to me, when it was winter and cold out I tend to color more.  I've also been know to color when I'm stressed out or when I'm sick.

I think lately it gives me a creative outlet.  Having a creative outlet has helped with staying at home, stress, and emotions. It brings me to a quite place inside of me that I can let my thoughts wonder as I pick each color to add to the page I'm working on.

I'm not sure how much I will continue to do when I find a job.  I'd like to hope that I will continue to find time for it since its become a big part of me lately and process of thinking.

I've always found journaling very therapeutic along with being just part of me.  I think coloring will be added and will be apart of me for as long as I can color.  Sadly there are times that I can't color or write for too long because my hands start to hurt.  My wrists and fingers bother me more and more these days.  Its combination of fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis.

I love looking at my picture for a bit, then picking out all the colors of markers or colored pencils that I plan on using.  Its fun to watch it come to life as each color is put onto to the picture. I've discovered that when my girls and I paint, I'm happiest when I take left over paint and blend it all over the canvas.

I consider myself to be a creative person, and without having that outlet I become unbalanced.

If you don't have an outlet to your thought process or times of emotions or just for fun I strongly suggest finding one. Its very rewarding in so many ways.

My brother's call

 I have a little brother and for me being the oldest he has always had a way to get under my skin.  If he isn't happy then no one else should be happy.  He thrives off of making others miserable like he is, I'm not sure if he is even aware that he does this but he does.  He is also very smart and good at what he does when he puts his mind to it.  He learns what he needs to go and then go out and does it.  There has always been a distance between us.  We were briefly close when we were younger but it didn't last.  He doesn't make it easy to talk to him or be around him for too long.  I love my brother and always will.  I've tried so much with him but instead I've just let it go and love him when I can and make the most of it when we do talk and have a decent conversation before one of us ends up hanging up on the other. I get really upset with myself when I end up letting him wear me down and then let him get a reaction out of me and I end up shaking with frustration, anger and left crying.  We don't talk very often to each other.  We go through spells of trying and then it doesn't work out.  I'd rather love him from a distance and pray for him than try to talk to him.  He has many many struggles and things that haunts him that affect him especially when he drinks.  

Last night (today is Tuesday, June 8th) he called around 6:00 p.m. my time, 9:00 p.m. his time. He lives in Ohio.  I took a deep breath and answered the phone and said hello.  The moment he opened his mouth I knew he was really tired and had been drinking.  His main concern at first was about our Uncle.  Asked if I have heard from him.  I said no that it had been along time since we talked on the phone but I know he is still around because he replied back to Karlee. She had sent him a graduation announcement and he sent back a card with some money in it. Jason was happy to hear that but frustrated because our Uncle had not responded to him phone calls.  The conversation moved on to basics of how are you doing and getting caught up on the latest and I shared the latest about the kids.  It went fine for a while and then things started to twist and change.  By this point I was ready to get off the phone and hopefully end with a decent conversation with my brother.

The conversation soon changed to the past, losing daddy and then hearing him brag about his business.  Yes I say brag, he might not think so but I do.  Its great that he started his own business and I'm proud of him and think its great and wish him continued success.  But I don't need to hear about all the money.  He is also stressed out and tired and not sure of things.  I think he has gotten too big and should have stayed small but he wants other things, that is fine.  But can he really handle it or it is going to be his breaking point and Jason starts to tumble down into a pile of rumble, which would be bad. 

He struggles with missing our dad and letting himself heal.  There are times I want to should out and say "he was my dad too and I miss him too!" After daddy died I made very different choices than my brother, mainly because I had children to take care of and raise.  I will never regret my choice of starting over for a 2nd chance with my kids. Yes it left me with divorce number two, single, living on my own with 3 children but that was better than where I was at in life at the time. My brother has never understood that and never will. 

My brother and I don't know each other and the people we have become.  It is sad and I wish things were different but as hopeful as I try to be and live I just do not think its going to happen.  Maybe God will show me otherwise.  I won't go into all the mean, hurtful, rude, selfish, heart breaking things my brother said to me last night because it does hurt but mostly because I fight hard against turning bitter towards him and pray to keep loving him as I should with God's help.

Its hard and I can not do it alone.  I things to change with my brother and our relationship.  I can't say that I will want to answer the phone again the next time he calls me but I can say that I want help in my response to him.  I ask for God's help to heal from my brother's words and ask for God to help me to simply pray for my brother.  Just to pray for him and nothing more.

Sometimes I have found when there is a difficult person in my life that makes it difficult to love or talk to that all I can do it as for help, His help and just trust.  Yes, it is hard to do but probably the best thing I can do at that moment with that person in my life.  In this situation with my brother it is best so that one day maybe he and I can have a good conversation or that he will be apart of my life and his nieces and nephews too.

I'm going to need to remind myself daily and moment to moment and lean on God to achieve this for us.

The journey continues

 I just got up from laying down on the couch listening to music, dozing a little in and out of a light sleep.  A few thoughts came to mind while laying there.  If you have followed my blog in the past or just starting to now you may see that there is a gap of time or you read the last post back in January when I signed off and went private instead of public.  Well I've recently changed my mind and decided to continue my journey through my blog. I've missed my blog, I didn't realize how much it was a part of me.  It helps me work things out, it expresses hope and maybe inspires me and others some. All this say that I needed to write a post that I'm back to putting myself, struggles, joys and blessings out there again.

I think one reason why I've started it back up is because I have so much time on my hands again since December.  I was let go of, terminated from my job, that I really enjoyed and didn't plan on going anywhere.  Unemployment has not been easy and I didn't expect that it would last as long as it has for me, but its not easy finding a new job right now during this time in where are in.  In the craziness of what the covid-19 pandemic brought to our lives. Who knew how much of our lives would be affected or changed by a virus.  But we won't go there anymore for right now.  I find myself tired of talking about it and just surviving and going with the flow and making the most of it all constantly looking for the joys and happy moments of it all.

I've been through many emotions since I've been home and not working. I've really been taking self-care and creativity to a whole new level in my life.  I color in my coloring books more, I've read a book and started another one.  I have been available more for my kids. Ugh my adult children....my youngest turned 18 back in December.

There is an upcoming change that I will really need to process and my blog will help.  I will soon have an empty nest. Yes, all of my babies will have left the nest.  My youngest moves out in 2 weeks. Both of my daughters will be 2 hours away from me in Phoenix.  My son moved in with their dad until he can save and get back out on his own too.  

Because of all the changes I need my blog in my life again.  I need to write, share, process and celebrate life here.  I made my blog public again, I don't plan on announcing it or shouting off the roof top about it. I'm just going to write and put it out there and hope who needs it will find it.

A new blog

I have decided to start a new blog.  Its based on the phrase still I rise.  Which will be one of my next tattoos by the way.  The new blog is called Rise-Live-Love.  Don't try to find it yet, its still a work in process, need to work on the layout and intro.  The idea behind it has to do with living with chronic pain and the different things or ways I have lived in my life to deal with it.  I figure by writing about my journey with ups the and downs and self-care tips could help someone else.  I also plan on trying to add some ads and affiliate links to try making money on the side with affiliate marketing.  

I've started the basics so far and have a note book of ideas.  I need to do some research on the affiliate marketing, also work on the content. We will see how it develops over the next few weeks.  I can't really focus today other than getting it started and stated that I'm going to do this so that way it will happen.  The first steps have been done so that is a good start.

Thursday June 3, 2021

I started my day with sitting outside while it was cool and cloudy reading for about 30 minutes and drinking my coffee.

Later into the day I made a potato salad to have with dinner.  I couldn't help but think of home and my daddy while I made it.  I enjoyed each bite later at dinner time.

I finally completed the wall above our bed.  I had the you & me sign for a few weeks now and decided to climb up on the bed and stick a few push pens in the wall to hang it.

This caught my attention and its a great reminder.  Life is so short its better to enjoy and make memories with the ones you love than worry about what to purchase next.

Friday June 4th at 8:00 a.m.

The day is starting off cloudy and cool again, it won't last for long.  It will get up to 83 like yesterday. I've started my morning out with a little reading again at my table with my coffee.  I have not journaled yet or read my devotional, I needed a hot shower to help my body to move and lose a little of the soreness and stiffness I feel every morning, every day. This morning I just needed that hot water before I could do much of anything else.

I plan on getting a few things down around the house today.  I will pick up the kitchen to keep it clean and probably sweep the floor.  My biggest project to get done today will be my closet.  I want to continue to try to organize it more and more.  I'm gong to move a cube shelf into it and see how that works out.  It came from Sara, she is only taking one.  I helped her yesterday to start packing.

Things are getting real around here with her moving.  Her last day of work is the 15th.  We load her up on the 18th and then head down to Phoenix early on the 19th!  I will then have an empty nest.  The reality of that is still settling in and it will be an adjustment.  I've read that some take 6 months to get used to things and then some have no problem after a few weeks.  I'm not sure where I will fall in but we will have to wait and see how it goes.

Starting June 2021

The day is starting out to be cloudy, I'm not sure if it will rain today or not but I'm going to enjoy the cool morning before it gets too hot.  It is suppose to be 83 today! Sara is at work, as well as Susan and Ben, so the house is quite.  I enjoy quite time, I really do but sometimes its hard.  I think its hard because I've been without a job for so long and then the changes of my girls moving to Phoenix.

Today, Thursday June 3rd I started my day with sitting outside with my cup of coffee.  I enjoyed the first 5 minutes in silence while listening to the birds sing their song and then I read the book I've started for about 15 minutes.

Yesterday, Wed. June 2nd I went to town to move  money around so that I can pay my bills with my unemployment money. Then I treated myself to an old favorite of mine that I haven't had in forever it seems likes.  Ahi poke bowl.  On my way home I stopped off at Ross to do a little browsing and ended up spending some of my birthday money from my brother.  I felt like I needed a little shopping therapy, feeling kind of lonely.  Sara was at a friends house since the night before, and Karlee....well she lives in Phoenix now....so I was starting to realize how things are going to be once Sara moves.  I will be doing more on my own with out being able to meet up with them so easily and that is something I'm not ready to get used to but will have to adjust rather quickly if I'm going to be able to live and find joy in the moments around me. Its a new chapter for all of us.

On Tuesday, June 1st I found myself doing the happy dance around 9:00 or so because my son called me and said that he wanted to meet up for lunch!  We went to the Olive Garden.  It was so yummy, we hadn't been there for a long time. I enjoyed our one on one time together, especially since he didn't come over on the weekend with work and being real tired and all.  It was perfect!  We enjoyed good conversation.  I cherish each moment with each of my kids.

Last Sunday in May

 

Ben building his stuffed meatloaf layer by layer.

The chickens and meatloaf are ready to go on the smoker.

This man makes me happy!

always smiles and laughter with this man

time to settle in to relax and enjoy the day

The finished product.

All done and quite yummy!

Now for a little corn hole fun!

I didn't realize how fun this game is but it was fun!  It help make our family Sunday perfect!