I have a little brother and for me being the oldest he has always had a way to get under my skin. If he isn't happy then no one else should be happy. He thrives off of making others miserable like he is, I'm not sure if he is even aware that he does this but he does. He is also very smart and good at what he does when he puts his mind to it. He learns what he needs to go and then go out and does it. There has always been a distance between us. We were briefly close when we were younger but it didn't last. He doesn't make it easy to talk to him or be around him for too long. I love my brother and always will. I've tried so much with him but instead I've just let it go and love him when I can and make the most of it when we do talk and have a decent conversation before one of us ends up hanging up on the other. I get really upset with myself when I end up letting him wear me down and then let him get a reaction out of me and I end up shaking with frustration, anger and left crying. We don't talk very often to each other. We go through spells of trying and then it doesn't work out. I'd rather love him from a distance and pray for him than try to talk to him. He has many many struggles and things that haunts him that affect him especially when he drinks.
Last night (today is Tuesday, June 8th) he called around 6:00 p.m. my time, 9:00 p.m. his time. He lives in Ohio. I took a deep breath and answered the phone and said hello. The moment he opened his mouth I knew he was really tired and had been drinking. His main concern at first was about our Uncle. Asked if I have heard from him. I said no that it had been along time since we talked on the phone but I know he is still around because he replied back to Karlee. She had sent him a graduation announcement and he sent back a card with some money in it. Jason was happy to hear that but frustrated because our Uncle had not responded to him phone calls. The conversation moved on to basics of how are you doing and getting caught up on the latest and I shared the latest about the kids. It went fine for a while and then things started to twist and change. By this point I was ready to get off the phone and hopefully end with a decent conversation with my brother.
The conversation soon changed to the past, losing daddy and then hearing him brag about his business. Yes I say brag, he might not think so but I do. Its great that he started his own business and I'm proud of him and think its great and wish him continued success. But I don't need to hear about all the money. He is also stressed out and tired and not sure of things. I think he has gotten too big and should have stayed small but he wants other things, that is fine. But can he really handle it or it is going to be his breaking point and Jason starts to tumble down into a pile of rumble, which would be bad.
He struggles with missing our dad and letting himself heal. There are times I want to should out and say "he was my dad too and I miss him too!" After daddy died I made very different choices than my brother, mainly because I had children to take care of and raise. I will never regret my choice of starting over for a 2nd chance with my kids. Yes it left me with divorce number two, single, living on my own with 3 children but that was better than where I was at in life at the time. My brother has never understood that and never will.
My brother and I don't know each other and the people we have become. It is sad and I wish things were different but as hopeful as I try to be and live I just do not think its going to happen. Maybe God will show me otherwise. I won't go into all the mean, hurtful, rude, selfish, heart breaking things my brother said to me last night because it does hurt but mostly because I fight hard against turning bitter towards him and pray to keep loving him as I should with God's help.
Its hard and I can not do it alone. I things to change with my brother and our relationship. I can't say that I will want to answer the phone again the next time he calls me but I can say that I want help in my response to him. I ask for God's help to heal from my brother's words and ask for God to help me to simply pray for my brother. Just to pray for him and nothing more.
Sometimes I have found when there is a difficult person in my life that makes it difficult to love or talk to that all I can do it as for help, His help and just trust. Yes, it is hard to do but probably the best thing I can do at that moment with that person in my life. In this situation with my brother it is best so that one day maybe he and I can have a good conversation or that he will be apart of my life and his nieces and nephews too.
I'm going to need to remind myself daily and moment to moment and lean on God to achieve this for us.
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