Today is New Year's Eve. I can not believe that another year has gone come and gone. This past year was a little rough and sad with losing my dad. Each year brings its joys and tough times.
For about a week now I have had this feeling that there will be changes made in my life real soon, within my own and with others that are around me and close by. I can't say if those changes are will be good or not but I'm not doing it alone and God knows what his plans are to be.
Lately I ask him to give me the boldness, courage, and strength to walk forward into what he has planned for me in my life. I can feel a change and I want to be ready for it.
Life in this world can only be done with Christ so no matter what it brings into mine I will be alright and change will work out in the ways it should with His guidance. The part I struggle with and most of us do, is the not knowing all of what to do. God only reveals parts here and there, not to hurt us but to grow us, for us to continue to seek and lean on Him.
There is one change on the horizon right now......my "job". Many of you may know that I have been care giving for a very dear and close friend for over a year now. Her mother joined the Lord in September and now her father is on the his road to do the same. I'm not sure what opportunity lays ahead for me but I do ask the Lord to show me what I need to see, and to prepare my heart and mind for the next change.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Behind the Smile
Behind my smile there has been tons of things going on. Thoughts that lead to sadness, some tears, some frustration and countless thankfulness in the mix of it all. Being thankful and searching and hanging on to the joys is like the glue to me, its what keeps things going and moving in a good way and with God's hand holding mine as we walk along together each day in this world.
Behind the smiles are the moments of worry and thoughts that can consume me at times of being a mother and wanting what is best for my children. As a mother of teenagers I have been having to learn to let go. Letting go hoping and praying that I laid the foundation down for them to know right from wrong, to make wise decisions and to live their lives with feet that lead toward Jesus. I know the seeds were planted and are there and that the Lord will do the rest in His time. Its so hard not to want to try to control all areas of their lives, but I can't. I hold them up in prayer and keep plugging along with the moments that come about with each of them as they grow and learn and live.
Behind the smiles are the frustrations and weight of this world that it has to offer each of us in ways of surviving in it with how to do this, or how to pay this....etc. I'm struggling with getting health insurance for myself and the kids. The basics of managing a household are normal stresses but they are there.
Behind the smiles are "what am I going to do after this job ends?" I have been toying with the idea of going back to school so I can find a job that I can get insurance with. Maybe go get my CNA.... I need to work to take care of my kids because I don't have a normal marriage...that in itself brings a whole bunch of things "behind the smiles"
Behind the smiles of wanting things to change in my relationship with my husband.
Behind the smiles is where life is lived and it's not the easiest to do but I continue to look towards God with a huge *sigh of admission of I can't do this without You....
Behind the smiles are the moments of worry and thoughts that can consume me at times of being a mother and wanting what is best for my children. As a mother of teenagers I have been having to learn to let go. Letting go hoping and praying that I laid the foundation down for them to know right from wrong, to make wise decisions and to live their lives with feet that lead toward Jesus. I know the seeds were planted and are there and that the Lord will do the rest in His time. Its so hard not to want to try to control all areas of their lives, but I can't. I hold them up in prayer and keep plugging along with the moments that come about with each of them as they grow and learn and live.
Behind the smiles are the frustrations and weight of this world that it has to offer each of us in ways of surviving in it with how to do this, or how to pay this....etc. I'm struggling with getting health insurance for myself and the kids. The basics of managing a household are normal stresses but they are there.
Behind the smiles are "what am I going to do after this job ends?" I have been toying with the idea of going back to school so I can find a job that I can get insurance with. Maybe go get my CNA.... I need to work to take care of my kids because I don't have a normal marriage...that in itself brings a whole bunch of things "behind the smiles"
Behind the smiles of wanting things to change in my relationship with my husband.
Behind the smiles is where life is lived and it's not the easiest to do but I continue to look towards God with a huge *sigh of admission of I can't do this without You....
Monday, December 28, 2015
Christmas 2015
Christmas 2015
Christmas morning was nice but went fast, soon after everyone ventured off to their rooms or spots of comfort until it was time to eat.
I'm thankful for having a business with Thirty One Gifts because it helped me buy the one thing that my son really wanted, a Ps4 :)
I loved seeing Kyle help Sara open her box that had what she really wanted in it, Chromebook.
Karlee ended up having a VS Christmas with the sweatshirt she really wanted and a few other items too.
Christmas morning was nice but went fast, soon after everyone ventured off to their rooms or spots of comfort until it was time to eat.
My Greatest Gift
Christmas Eve 2015
If you haven't figured out by now what my greatest gift was this year......it was having my family time. The evening was perfect and I'm so glad I didn't plan on games because it probably would not have happened, just going along without any expectations made the evening the best!
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| Karlee & Sara building a gingerbread house |
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| loved having all 3 of them together! |
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| Karlee told us that in that pile of frosting the ginger bread man was making snow angels :) cute |
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| my son laughed when he saw his Charlie Brown and Snoopy jammies :) he might not wear them much after that but the point was to have fun |
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| Relaxing and watching Christmas Movies together |
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| Had so much fun playing games (we don't do that very often) |
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| I didn't realize how fun Apples to Apples was :) |
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Holidays, Family & Memories
Christmas is almost here, tomorrow is Christmas Eve, all the shopping is done, gifts wrapped, groceries bought, time off from work, teenagers ready and excited about Christmas :) All is well....
I have kept busy all day today but now I'm relaxing with Christmas music, a cup of hot chai and I'm taking a few moments to drift as I look at a picture of my dad and I together from two Christmas' ago. There is not enough snow on the ground yet, like two years ago and he isn't sitting in my living room watching Frosty with me when no one else will. Its the same tree, and same place but there are things, and people missing that make it different. Since he has been gone I'm trying to embrace "different" but it has not been easy and by no means successful yet, but each day things get a little easier and a little more different.
This year has been a beginning of "new" and "different" things without daddy on this earth with me. Angelia, she rents the bottom floor from us and she has 4 children and she and her family bring in a whole bunch of different :) but good. With her I drift back more often to when my kids were little and at young ages. With her I remember what it was like to juggle life, with kids, the crazy times of multi tasking She and I have become good friends. I love her energy and power of pushing through, her strength and love for her kids. I also remember the struggles of being a single mom as I watch her struggle too. But she isn't alone, and I try to be here for her when she needs some help. She on the other hand brings a "taste of life" back to me. It will be hard to explain but just know its all good.
Last night could be an example of that energy for life again....She invited Micah and I and the girls to join her and kids for dinner out. She and her kids every year dress up to the hilt and they go out for dinner. This year was different for her, since it was just her and the kids and things in her life are in a place that they were not use to being. But she found her spark and took off with it! She wanted us to dress up too and join them out for dinner. That was great and fine but to dress up......well we did even Micah, none of us looked as fancy as she did but it was perfect and fun! It was great to get out and do something different, making a new memory to reflect on later. I'm thankful for her suggestion and that we went :)
The next couple of days around here will be cozy and quite with just Micah, Karlee, Sara, Kyle and I. I think it will be nice to be all together, I've missed having Kyle around. I'm trying not to hold any expectations of what any of it will look like and just going to go with the flow and let things happen as they will, enjoying every moment with joy.
If I had something to toast with I would....because all of a sudden I feel like its has lead into one with "here here we have each other and it will be as it should, it will all be well" here is to making "different" good and joyful.
Tomorrow I will wake up, see where the day will take me and in between it all make a few pies, and jello salads for Christmas dinner :)
I have kept busy all day today but now I'm relaxing with Christmas music, a cup of hot chai and I'm taking a few moments to drift as I look at a picture of my dad and I together from two Christmas' ago. There is not enough snow on the ground yet, like two years ago and he isn't sitting in my living room watching Frosty with me when no one else will. Its the same tree, and same place but there are things, and people missing that make it different. Since he has been gone I'm trying to embrace "different" but it has not been easy and by no means successful yet, but each day things get a little easier and a little more different.
This year has been a beginning of "new" and "different" things without daddy on this earth with me. Angelia, she rents the bottom floor from us and she has 4 children and she and her family bring in a whole bunch of different :) but good. With her I drift back more often to when my kids were little and at young ages. With her I remember what it was like to juggle life, with kids, the crazy times of multi tasking She and I have become good friends. I love her energy and power of pushing through, her strength and love for her kids. I also remember the struggles of being a single mom as I watch her struggle too. But she isn't alone, and I try to be here for her when she needs some help. She on the other hand brings a "taste of life" back to me. It will be hard to explain but just know its all good.
Last night could be an example of that energy for life again....She invited Micah and I and the girls to join her and kids for dinner out. She and her kids every year dress up to the hilt and they go out for dinner. This year was different for her, since it was just her and the kids and things in her life are in a place that they were not use to being. But she found her spark and took off with it! She wanted us to dress up too and join them out for dinner. That was great and fine but to dress up......well we did even Micah, none of us looked as fancy as she did but it was perfect and fun! It was great to get out and do something different, making a new memory to reflect on later. I'm thankful for her suggestion and that we went :)
The next couple of days around here will be cozy and quite with just Micah, Karlee, Sara, Kyle and I. I think it will be nice to be all together, I've missed having Kyle around. I'm trying not to hold any expectations of what any of it will look like and just going to go with the flow and let things happen as they will, enjoying every moment with joy.
If I had something to toast with I would....because all of a sudden I feel like its has lead into one with "here here we have each other and it will be as it should, it will all be well" here is to making "different" good and joyful.
Tomorrow I will wake up, see where the day will take me and in between it all make a few pies, and jello salads for Christmas dinner :)
Wedding in Santa Fe
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| Here I am dressed and ready to go in my "snow storm" shirt! Micah said that is what it looked like. He had me in tears the other day before I packed it to go out of town lol. But I got compliments on it :) |
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| Santa Fe down by the square |
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| Micah's dad and step mom walking into the huge beautiful Catholic Church |
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| I like this pic a lot with the way the sunlight reflected on the pews from the stain glassed windows above. |
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| detailed, decorated wood |
The weekend in Santa Fe was nice with Micah's family. It was a beautiful wedding.
It was very Catholic, which is fine, just new for me to experience, but I do have to say one thing.....I'm thankful that I can be close to God without all those rituals. I just need a little quite moment and I've got Him right there :)
Monday, December 14, 2015
Comforting & Restful Day
My phone made a noise at 5:30 am letting me know I had a message. It was my daughter, Karlee informing me that they didn't have to go to school today, because of the snow. A snow day! I tried laying there a little longer, but then my phone rang at 6:00 am with a recorded official message about school being closed today. I decided to go ahead and get up and go downstairs to make coffee and get my day started. I wasn't sure yet if I was going to work at Jane's today or not.
Figured out shortly that I had a snow day too! What was I going to do today?
The morning started off slow with hanging out with Micah in the living room, drinking coffee and talking some while we sat on our devices.
I cleaned the kitchen, made a pumpkin pie, watched Frosty the Snowman, listening to Christmas music all day (so far), took a nap on the couch, fried some corn tortillas for chips and salsa. Drank some chai, then some tea and more tea....stayed cozy warm under 3 blankets in the living room watching the snow come down then stop and start again. Reflected on a some memories of my dad with a smile on my face and an ache in my heart.
It's 4:30 now and after all day long the sun has peeked through and gave way to a light blue, cloudy sky with snow covered pine trees as cars drive by on the slushy streets. I feel rested and at peace.
I haven't been out all day, I think I will go check the mail and continue with my comforting and restful day. It was a nice day, I enjoyed being at home today and look forward to a new day tomorrow.
Another thought that makes me smile as my heart aches a little is knowing how much God loves me and blesses my life, that makes life easier and lighter to live.
Figured out shortly that I had a snow day too! What was I going to do today?
The morning started off slow with hanging out with Micah in the living room, drinking coffee and talking some while we sat on our devices.
I cleaned the kitchen, made a pumpkin pie, watched Frosty the Snowman, listening to Christmas music all day (so far), took a nap on the couch, fried some corn tortillas for chips and salsa. Drank some chai, then some tea and more tea....stayed cozy warm under 3 blankets in the living room watching the snow come down then stop and start again. Reflected on a some memories of my dad with a smile on my face and an ache in my heart.
It's 4:30 now and after all day long the sun has peeked through and gave way to a light blue, cloudy sky with snow covered pine trees as cars drive by on the slushy streets. I feel rested and at peace.
I haven't been out all day, I think I will go check the mail and continue with my comforting and restful day. It was a nice day, I enjoyed being at home today and look forward to a new day tomorrow.
Another thought that makes me smile as my heart aches a little is knowing how much God loves me and blesses my life, that makes life easier and lighter to live.
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