Worship & Praise on the way to work

"Peacefully trusting, peacefully resting"  I said this to myself over and over as I walked out to my car this morning to head to work.  My mind was full of thoughts since I had just written a post and I couldn't shut down despite having to go to work.

I get into the car and then I put my phone close to my mouth so that I could talk into my notes and driving to work.  Below came from my notes in my note section on my phone. 

"Peacefully resting and resting with my heavenly father since I lost my dad and I was thinking about him and losing my cushion that was provided because of that which shows how someone else continued to take care of me after the fact thats really gone and thats another loss another thing to lose and grieve but at the same time I can rejoice because its released me to continue to lean on my heavenly father and my heavenly father is the one thats in control and knows my life and knows whats going to be in it and what will happen and will not happen and I have continue to rest and lean and trust in my heavenly father look up Lord look upward to Him."

As I pulled out of my apartment complex, this song came on and I turned it up loud listening to each word, it was the perfect song for the moment.

Peaceful & Trusting

Today I woke up feeling rested on all levels.  It seems these days on a daily basis I'm constantly looking at my bank account and figuring this out and that out and trying to hold onto the idea of security.  Its worn me down and I've had enough.  I'm going to rest in the Lord.  The Lord has a plan and he provides for my needs and my family.  The sense of security is in my heavenly father.  As I've reflected recently the Lord is in my life through the ups and downs and has always brought me to the other side of the storms in my life into the sunshine of hope and joy and my faith continues to grow in Him.

The idea of having an emergency fund and being debit free and having good credit is driving me crazy!  The whole idea is great!  I'm just going to do my best to make sure I have a roof over my head for me and my children, food on the table, clothing to wear and transportation the rest will just have to be placed as God sees it in his will to do so.  I can only do so much in my power and my own strength.

Its crazy at 44 years old how I continue to learn lesson in life that has taken me to this point in my life.  I've been researching credit and how to improve and how important it is that it had consumed me for a bit but now I've chilled out some and will take all that to help teach my children of what to do and not do and how to.

The day is coming real soon when I will have to stand on my own two feet depending only on the Lord to see things to the next.  My cushion will be gone.  I will have to stand on my own.  My children will have to learn some hard things as they continue on their journey with making decisions involving money and their future and I won't really be able to "rescue them",  like I've been rescued over and over again in my life.  Its amazing how character qualities that you have had to learn and grow into over time can be such a blessing later on in life, all the trials and storms can impact your life both in the negative and the positive.  Over time as each storm has passed the negative is worked through, healing or forgiving has taken place then the living in the joy that was learned grows into a stronger faith with an abundance of hope always lingering in the background to keep things moving forward as we wake up day to begin again.

Its been an interesting two years since my dad past and my 2nd marriage ended but now I can sit here feeling at peace.  I'm not saying things are perfect and that I'm stress free and that all is in place......heck no!  By no means are things as they should be but are they ever as they should be, as each of us think they should be...no and if they were then life would be boring and a drag and we wouldn't learn anything or grow more into who the Lord has created us to be.

Spring Forward Into Joy

Tonight I'm not sure what has stirred up the past with the present, the old with the new but my mind drifted.  As I let my mind and emotions drift into the past to reflect I was suddenly was consumed with inspiration.  I pulled up a blank page in google docs and began listing my thoughts one by one.  I have always had a desire and dream of writing a book.  I'm not sure if that is what will come out of all this but I am inspired and feel strong and ready to dig deep and to explore and write down my story.

My Story Lived and Felt

1. Write about Divorce (Scott and Micah)
2. Cult like behavior (Matt)
3. Manipulation (Ronnie)
4. Selfish and victim mentality (Scott)
5. Narcissistic (Micah)
6. Stockholm syndrome(Micah)
7. Emotional Abuse
8. Toxic people
9. Loss and Grief
10. Loneliness
11. Depression and being functional
12. Stress, Anxiety and Chronic Pain
13. Single mom in marriage and Single mom on my own
14. Being a parent in the mix of it all, giving of myself as a mom when empty at times
15. Starting over
16. What a normal relationship looks like (Ben)

I sat for a long time staring at the screen of my computer looking at the list. I couldn't really find the words to describe what I was feeling. But it doesn't scare me to look at it. I felt strong. I know hope and I feel peace. I know that I didn't go through any of it alone and I know that the only way I was able to live after being broken down through out my journey to this present day and into the unknown of the future was because I gave my life to the Lord and every day I'm grateful.

The second list below is the brighter side to it all. The light shining at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

Living, Growing and Healing

1. The Lord and Heavenly Father
2. Faith
3. Trust and Hope
4. Prayers
5. Fellowship and the right people surrounding you and embracing you, encouragement
6. Giving to others
7. Encouraging and helping others helped me
8. Healing and Forgiving
9. God’s strength and peace
10. Broken
11. Refined
12. Restored
13. Renewed
14. Living life, cherish each moment, be more intentional

This third list I wrote down quickly and couldn't help but feel like its a summary all wrapped up. I think some of them listed could be the title of a chapter or section of my story, or a main title. The first one listed really stands out to me.

Emotionally living and loving

Living and Loving in the Storms of Life

Embracing change

Grabbing at Hope

Linger in Peace

Grow in Grace

Be Broken and Live

Trust, breathe and walk

Let go

Keep moving forward

Smile, Cherish, Learn, Give and Live

I had to take a break to go pick Sara up from Volleyball practice. When I came back I pulled up my blog and began looking at some of the past posts. I went all the way down to the first one, ironically it was in March. March of 2010, I actually started this blog with the day my Nana died. I decided to go to each month of March from each year since then and read through them. I read through every March listed, it was interesting and it did stir up some memories but they didn't bring me down. Instead they showed me that through it all there was always joy.

No matter what the blog post was about, negative, sad, or indifferent there was always something that directed back to joy, hope, trust and faith. I'm so thankful that my story has had the Lord's hand in it through and through.

Pictures of March

I'm addicted to aromatherapy!  I love my diffuser and my collection of essential oils.

Sara and Claire what a pair!

Silly Ben :)

This hurt so bad! I was pealing potatoes with a potato peeler.....

I thought it would never stop bleeding.

Not sure why that day I chose to take a selfie, I must have thought my hair came out good lol and then a pic of me without and then with my glasses.  Silly me :)

My favorite LuLa Roe combination is the Carly dress with Leggings!  So comfy and very stylish.

Copied this pic of Kyle from his instagram, he was out with his buddies one day.  I can't help but wonder what he is thinking.  Big changes are around the corner.....he will graduate from high school soon.  What will be next on his journey?

Ben is the sweetest :) His message is in the gray box.

A friend of mine is selling some awesome vintage fun jewelry, I have enjoyed all that I've gotten.

Yes it did snow in March.

Now its time for Spring, but its still been windy and cold.

This brings us to yesterday, Sara had a volleyball tournament in Tempe.  Karlee went with us this time so we went up earlier in the day and browsed at one of the malls before the tournament.  I had to take a picture of this pretty butterfly made out of legos!  Isn't is amazing :)

Sara serving.

Well today is Sunday, March 25th, March is almost over.  I'm not sure where the month went but soon the kids will be out of school for the summer.  This week is a short work week for me.  I have Friday off, and Ben asked for it too.  The kids are in school, so I thought it would be fun if he and I planned a day together, not sure yet what we are going to do, maybe go to Sedona for the day, but whatever we do we will enjoy each other's company, smile and laugh.  Lost of laughs with Ben, I love it!  We also will celebrate being together for 8 months :)

Starting next month in April I need to get serious with Kyle's graduation preparation, design and order the announcements, set the place and time for his party, work on his scrapbook.  I better get busy!

This last week of March should be uneventful, kids go back to school after being off last week for Spring Break and then we move on into April.

It actually still snows in Flagstaff AZ

Just when we thought winter wasn't really going to show up.  It did!  A snowy day!  Enough to really make things messy and very very cold.  

Its pretty but as I had watched it fall on Friday at work I was worried about traveling to Phoenix in it.  Sara's volleyball tournament was on Saturday.  We were going to drive to my Uncle's after work on Friday.  I watched the weather online and saw how the road conditions were not looking good.

Today is Sunday, I sit here on my coach with the sun shining out bright and snow melting on the ground.  We didn't end up going to Phoenix.  Most of the parents decided we didn't want to risk our safety and voted to forfeit the games.  So this weekend has been time spent with my kids.  Ben stayed home, like the original plan since I was suppose to be in Phoenix.  He had things to get done around his house.

Yesterday was nice.  Karlee came over for part of the day.  We went out and bought some doughnuts.  We hung out and relaxed some together.  Marlee came over to spend the night here with Sara.  Kyle later went over to a friend's house.  I made enchiladas for dinner.

Today has been a very relaxing and enjoyable Sunday hanging around the house.  Soon we are going to go pick up Karlee and then we are going to head over to the Olive Garden to have dinner as a family to celebrate Kyle's 18th Birthday (it was Friday)

I enjoyed my weekend home with my kids.  Now to get ready for a new week.  We are suppose to have snow again on Tuesday. So will shall see what this next storm brings in.

Then after Claire came Benny Boy Jr.

Last Saturday after we had gotten home with Claire and got her cage and everything set up.  I hadn't sat down on the couch but for 5 minutes when Ben announces get up we are going back and we are getting a fish!  I was surprised!  He was serious, he thought I needed a fish and wanted to get me one.  So off to the same pet store and the same people were there that helped us earlier.

I pick this guy out!

We get in Ben's truck and he took a picture of me and my fish :)

Meet Benny Boy jr.!

We were heading back to my place and it started out as a joke but then it stuck.  Ben was talking about how when Karlee greets Ben, she always call him "Benny boy" so Ben is like lets name your fish Benny boy jr.

 I love watching him swim around.  He is so pretty!

Now we are a family that has critters, and pets in the household!

Feeling a little more complete around here lol.

A Fun Saturday

(last weekend)

I'm not sure how we ended up having the Saturday we had but it was fun and filled with laughter and smiles so that is really all that matters.

This past Saturday, Ben and I got up, headed out the door to go drop off my car at Big O Tires to get my oil changed on it finally.  Then we went to eat breakfast at Village Inn.  Then we went to walk around a bit at this place that sells storage buildings, Ben is thinking about getting one.

We headed home to find Sara wanting to go out and about and do something instead of stay at home.  Kyle was content with staying home, in his room playing video games.  I didn't want to be home either.  It was a nice day and I wanted to be out in it.

Sara asked if we could go to Sephora, she wanted to look for something that would help out her oily skin lately.  So we did that then we went to Good Will to see if I could find some pants and shirts for Kyle to wear to work at Walmart.  Didn't have any luck with the pants but found a few shirts.

But way before that.....which is what really started the "hunt a new pet story" that I didn't know that would unravel until the end of the day.....

Our apartment complex was hosting an event for adopting dogs and cats.  There were a few being shown out in an area.  My Sara bear loves animals.  We have always had a dog of some sort in our lives but since we have been on our own and in the apartment, we haven't had one.  Its not because we all don't want one, its the cost.  The cost to have one in the apartment is insane and I don't see how people do it!  I barely pay my rent much less add an extra fee on top monthly for an animal after paying a ton just to have it.  Just can't do it.

The kids want a puppy so bad.  Like I said I'd love to have one but can't do it right now.  Ben, Sara and I walked over to look at the dogs and there was a puppy there.  Sara crawled into the pin with a puppy and sat and enjoyed the puppy for a few minutes.  And then it began......

My heart really did ache as I stood there and saw all the joy that a dog in her life could bring to her but I had to stay firm in my decision.  

Sara was stuck!  She wanted to look at dogs and puppies as soon as possible.  So we went to the humane society and looked around.  All the puppies were taken already, thank goodness, but there were some really cute ones.  That wasn't enough, so we went to the pet store over by Safeway, all they had were cats, fish, and reptiles.  I thought I was going to walk out of that pet store with a fish for Sara but nope.  Instead the conversation with Ben took it to another level. Ben mentioned that it would be fun to take Sara over to the other pet store, where he and I had seen some hairless hamsters (we had seen ironically the evening before after we went walking around after we ate dinner).  The store we were at did not have any hamsters at all.  Then it hit Sara, she decided right then that she wanted a hamster.  She literally ran to the car as we were leaving the store that didn't have any, with excitement that she was going to the other store to get one.  I hadn't even said yes or no yet, but she had her mind made up.

We headed over to the other side of town to the other pet store that we knew had hamsters.  This one did not have any cats or dogs, just reptiles, fish, faretts, and hamsters.  We hadn't been in the store but one minute when Sara headed right over to the hamsters and picked one out right away.  She said she wanted a cute fat one.  We drove to the other side of town and came out with Claire, a long haired teddy bear hamster!

I didn't realize how happy this was going to make my Sara Bear....the joy and the happiness warmed my heart as I watched her interact and start boding and loving on Claire.