Today started out alright. I took Sara to go clean at the office. Then we came home for a little bit before I headed over to the Milton's to clean their apartment. It was about mid morning, maybe around 10:30 or so. I sat down at my table looking at the time trying to decide when I would call Larry to wish him a Happy Father's Day. Larry is my step-dad and I love him and care about him. He has done a lot for myself and my kids. He loves my mother and has made her happy for a several years now. But I had a moment when I found it hard to call him, not because I didn't want to....just found it a little hard. I picked up my phone and gave him a call. He sounded happy that I did and we chatted for a few minutes about what he was up to and the weather, then I talked to my mom for a little bit. I was happy that I called him, he sounded like he liked me calling him and that made me happy.
I couldn't help it not long after I sat there and I couldn't hold back, I did two things. The first one was I texted Micah and told him that I was having a hard time. He figured I would and said he was sorry. The second was that I let a few tears come forward. I wiped my eyes, blew my nose and took a deep breath and called up stairs to Sara to let her know that I was going to go over and clean at the Miltons.
I got in my car and lost it. I couldn't hold back. I started to cry. I put a song on to listen to loudly as I drove over to the house. I needed to have a good cry and that is what I did. I maintained safely so I could drive. I played a song by Alabama, called "No Bad Days" Its a song that brings comfort to me when I think of my dad. I'm not sure why. Its not a song we listened to or anything together.
No Bad Days daddy.....
I will look up the lyrics and post them soon.
After I cleaned, I came home and took a shower and got dressed for the day. Sara and I went to Safeway to get a few things I needed so I could make a pasta salad to take out to Scott's for dinner tonight. He was cooking and the kids were going to go spend time with him, being Father's Day and all. He asked me to join them and so I said I would.
The rest of the afternoon and evening I was a little sad but you wouldn't know it to look at me. I browsed online on facebook and schemed through all the posts and pictures of other's sharing about their dads and families.
Enjoyed a nice dinner and then the girls and I came home to relax the rest of the evening.
As the day had gone on and I missed my dad and thought of him, I couldn't help but think of everything that has gone on lately.....but I have pushed through and soon I will be calling it a night, with a new day tomorrow. Thankful for my Lord and Savior who is holding me in his arms right now. Tomorrow is a new day.
No Bad Days.....
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Changes happens you move forward
Its hard to catch up posting from over these several weeks so this post and future post may be random as I think of things or based on my mood at the time. Anyways I sit here in my own apartment at my table in my kitchen. I know its crazy but its crazy and then some for me to think about all this. Technically I'm still married but I signed a 9 month lease to live in an apartment with my two daughters.
I never expected to be living on my own again. I briefly did when I was divorced from Scott. The kids and I lived in Fort Davis Tx in a little pink house with wooden floors. We lived there for about a year before Micah came back into my life and whirled in and moved us to Flagstaff AZ for the adventure we have been on for the last 7 years.
I never lived on my own out of high school either. I lived at home then from home I was suppose to live with my mom after she divorced my dad but I was there very briefly when I lived with Micah. Yes I did the live with someone before marriage.....Later when Micah and I broke up back then I found myself again with a chance to be on my own, I was twenty something but I didn't. I ended up with Scott, the kids father. We lived together for 2 years before we got married. We were married almost 10 years, shy just a few days when I filed for divorce.
We were in Albq. NM and from there the kids and I went to my mom's in El Paso and moved in with them then we went to Ft. Davis to give Scott another shot. A year later that is when I found myself in the little pink house with wooden floors.
When I was in my teens I had wondered what it would be like to live on my own. Not sure why things turned out the way that have. But here I am on my own, still awkwardly tethered by an invisible line of "marriage" with an 18 year old and a 13 year old starting a new adventure.
No matter the changes in my life thankfully I have always found ways to move forward. Looking back I can see it was God even when I may not have seen it at the time. I do now and I do know now that its all God. God is the one that moves me forward when changes happen.
It hard to say that you have regrets when as you move forward you move on to new adventures, new lessons, new joys and blessings with a glimmer of the past.....the past to be "from" and to learn from so that you can become what God wants and also move forward closer to Him.
Change has not been easy and it never will be but moving forward without God would be impossible!
I continue to lean on God and ask him to help me take steps daily forward with each new day that He gives to me.
The best thing to know when you are going through changes are to move forward.
I never expected to be living on my own again. I briefly did when I was divorced from Scott. The kids and I lived in Fort Davis Tx in a little pink house with wooden floors. We lived there for about a year before Micah came back into my life and whirled in and moved us to Flagstaff AZ for the adventure we have been on for the last 7 years.
I never lived on my own out of high school either. I lived at home then from home I was suppose to live with my mom after she divorced my dad but I was there very briefly when I lived with Micah. Yes I did the live with someone before marriage.....Later when Micah and I broke up back then I found myself again with a chance to be on my own, I was twenty something but I didn't. I ended up with Scott, the kids father. We lived together for 2 years before we got married. We were married almost 10 years, shy just a few days when I filed for divorce.
We were in Albq. NM and from there the kids and I went to my mom's in El Paso and moved in with them then we went to Ft. Davis to give Scott another shot. A year later that is when I found myself in the little pink house with wooden floors.
When I was in my teens I had wondered what it would be like to live on my own. Not sure why things turned out the way that have. But here I am on my own, still awkwardly tethered by an invisible line of "marriage" with an 18 year old and a 13 year old starting a new adventure.
No matter the changes in my life thankfully I have always found ways to move forward. Looking back I can see it was God even when I may not have seen it at the time. I do now and I do know now that its all God. God is the one that moves me forward when changes happen.
It hard to say that you have regrets when as you move forward you move on to new adventures, new lessons, new joys and blessings with a glimmer of the past.....the past to be "from" and to learn from so that you can become what God wants and also move forward closer to Him.
Change has not been easy and it never will be but moving forward without God would be impossible!
I continue to lean on God and ask him to help me take steps daily forward with each new day that He gives to me.
The best thing to know when you are going through changes are to move forward.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Missing Daddy
Today I woke up with a lump in my throat and flash backs of the day daddy died. Some days are better than others and as time has gone on there are more good days than bad but then there are those moment that hit hard.
I miss him.
I hate seeing all the father's day stuff out.
I hate not being able to call him and tell him the good news about his grandson getting his first job I know he would be proud of his "little leaper". He called Kyle his little leaper because he sort of leaped instead of crawled.
I continue to realize that when you lose someone its the process of all the "firsts" that are what is so hard.
I fought a few tears on the way to work. Once I got there I got busy and stayed busy all day so I managed through the day.
Tomorrow is a new day. He isn't far from my thoughts and always in my heart. I love you daddy.
I miss him.
I hate seeing all the father's day stuff out.
I hate not being able to call him and tell him the good news about his grandson getting his first job I know he would be proud of his "little leaper". He called Kyle his little leaper because he sort of leaped instead of crawled.
I continue to realize that when you lose someone its the process of all the "firsts" that are what is so hard.
I fought a few tears on the way to work. Once I got there I got busy and stayed busy all day so I managed through the day.
Tomorrow is a new day. He isn't far from my thoughts and always in my heart. I love you daddy.
Moving on up!
Moving on up.....that silly song and picture of that family on that comedy show years and years ago about this black family moving on up......can't think of the name but anyways we have our selves an apartment!
We are now going to be on our own! Karlee and I signed the lease yesterday (since she is 18 she had to sign the paperwork too and be on the lease) and we get the keys tomorrow!
Feeling scared and nervous but oddly very excited too!
Sara is excited to come home since she found out there is a pool.
She is also very thankful and relieved that we are not moving into the home with the very sweet family....but that is another story and another post.
We are now going to be on our own! Karlee and I signed the lease yesterday (since she is 18 she had to sign the paperwork too and be on the lease) and we get the keys tomorrow!
Feeling scared and nervous but oddly very excited too!
Sara is excited to come home since she found out there is a pool.
She is also very thankful and relieved that we are not moving into the home with the very sweet family....but that is another story and another post.
A little downward spiral
After Karlee's graduation we had a little downward spiral that brought some sad moments, frustrating times with courage and strength to keep moving forward.
We were going to move into a home with another family and they were going to rent two rooms to us but with the few new items added to my huge over flowing plate we struggled with making the commitment to do so.
After talking with my mom and doing so thinking and praying I made huge decision to step out in faith and start looking for our own place.
Sara has been in El Paso since my mom left, she went back with them to visit and took her good friend Marlee too.
Karlee and I have enjoyed our time together and have spent some time with Kyle too. I love my son, there are times I miss him so much. Which brings me to one of things added to my plate is the chance of him coming back to live with me, which would be one of the hard things to do with the idea of moving in with that family.
I've been getting back into routine with the job and studying. I have got to get licensed soon!
We were going to move into a home with another family and they were going to rent two rooms to us but with the few new items added to my huge over flowing plate we struggled with making the commitment to do so.
After talking with my mom and doing so thinking and praying I made huge decision to step out in faith and start looking for our own place.
Sara has been in El Paso since my mom left, she went back with them to visit and took her good friend Marlee too.
Karlee and I have enjoyed our time together and have spent some time with Kyle too. I love my son, there are times I miss him so much. Which brings me to one of things added to my plate is the chance of him coming back to live with me, which would be one of the hard things to do with the idea of moving in with that family.
I've been getting back into routine with the job and studying. I have got to get licensed soon!
Karlee Graduates
So I thought that after Karlee's graduation and her party and the visit from my mom that life would slow down some. But as you tell it hasn't and I'm far behind on posting about things that have gone on. So we will start with this post since it was sort of started already with the pictures but not written.
I'm so proud of her! She did a great job with her speech!
My mom always seems to find some time for a little music and a little dancing.....
We had a good visit. It all went fast and busy with the graduation and then the party the next day but it a great visit!
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