In the midst is joy

I love how God is with me at all moments of my day.

I woke up a little quite and a little sad and happy all together.  Today my baby turns 13! Another teenager in the house, look out! My sweet smiling Sara Bear, I love her smile and how she makes me laugh.  I'm so blessed that God gave her to me thirteen years ago.

Today would have been the day I'd get a phone call from my dad reminding me to get some pizza for the Birthday girl.  But the call will not take place today....I can't hear his voice, his laugh.

Today marks 2 months that my dad has been gone.  I met up with someone that I hadn't seen in a long time or talked to for a while either.  She had posted on my V.I.P. page with Thirty One and won my grand prize that I was giving away.  We met up for coffee at Starbucks.  I sat there in the beginning thinking I hope she doesn't notice that my eyes are watery....

We talked of 31 and it was great and we have even planned a home party for January too but the best part of our time together was that we each had a story of a loved one we lost and we both shared.  It has been 10 months ago that she lost her mom.  God is so good when he planned this little meet and greet.  It was more than giving a grand prize :)

She said something that I think I'm discovering some truth to it "the hardest are the 1st....the 1st this or that without the one we lost"  The many little moments that we recall that bring our lost one to us.  Also realizing that unless someone has lost then they will find it harder to understand or know how to comfort.  It's showed us how we can give grace to others.

I'm at Jane's now until about 2:00 pm, then I'm going to go pick up the birthday girl from school and go to the mall together.  Later I will fix her favorite thing to eat for dinner and this year instead of a cake she wanted, no bake chocolate peanut butter oatmeal cookies! I can handle that! lol

I carry my sadness quietly with me as I smile with my daughter and others today.

Pizza, Hellos, & Birthdays

Daddy you have been heavy on my mind lately.  It could be the holiday spirit that is messing with my emotions more lately but, I miss you.  It almost seems that I miss you more and more since you have been gone.  Next week on Tuesday, the 8th it will be 2 months that you will have been gone but also it will be our little Sara Bear's birthday! She will be 13! Yes a teenager now!  

You would be calling to make sure I took some money out of the account to give to her for her birthday.  You would also tell me its been too long its time to treat everyone to pizza.  It was such a little thing but it made you happy knowing that you could treat us to pizza to enjoy.  

As I type this my tears are breaking through as I sit here quietly this morning while everyone is sleeping on this Saturday morning.

Is this how its going to be when ever the kids have a birthday, showing signs of growing that I will break down and miss you so much? I can't call you and hear your voice and hear you tell me to give everyone hugs for you.

Why when you lose someone is when you think of the little things that made that person so special?  

Update on the Ex

I hear the loud gurgle of his car pull up to the house to pick me up.  I open the door to the strong smell of mouth wash, or toothpaste (something to mask his beer breath).  It doesn't matter if his beer breath is from last night or this morning, its there.

We head to pick up the rental so that we can drive to Cottonwood for his doctor appointment.  Its a new doctor for him in this long journey of figuring out whats wrong with him and how to treat him.  A year ago they said he has Hepatitis C.  He has been sick off and on and has been waiting for some relief.

Finally they will start treating him soon for the Hep C, but it will be a few weeks for the doctor to send over things to the VA doctor that Scott has and then they have to set up a time to test his liver to see how much cirrhosis is going on.  From what we understood, Hep C is curable and will go away once treated.  Depending on how much cirrhosis will depend on the length of the treatment.

Apparently the liver is a really tough organ and it will regenerate and heal in time and keep on going....but it needs the chance to do that.  Scott was told once again how badly he needs to stop drinking.  It doesn't matter if you have one drink at a celebration or many in the evening, with Hep C, alcohol will speed up and help the Hep C spread and keep going.  Hep C is a virus that will just keep making you sick over and over, its goal is to move on from person to person so it can start over, spread and make sick.  It can only be transferred through blood.  (My son who lives with him, can not share razors for shaving)

The treatment requires a few different pill combos, taken several times a day over a period of time.  The side affects are suppose to be very minimal.  It was good to hear that there is an end in site for how he has been feeling.

We leave the Doctor's office feeling better, he was less nervous and more calm.  We get in the car, sharing in conversation about what we heard, knew and understood.  He pulled out of the parking lot and headed back towards the way to Flagstaff.  Along the way shortly down the road he stops off at a convenient store to purchase a beer.  I know!  I looked at him and I said firmly and a little loud "really Scott! No" He said it was alright, its not like they started him on anything yet and then he tells me that he has cut way way back and it will be fine.

He gets back in the car and I simple say to him "it will defeat the purpose once you are taking that medicine if you drink.  You could use this time of waiting to get started to completely quite."  He said "I know and I have already made up my mind and I will stop"

Scott has his part to do and the doctors have theirs, I guess we will wait see who does their part......

I pray that Scott will do his.

Thanksgiving 2015

This year our Thanksgiving was a time to share with others.  There is this little family that lives in our house.  We rent out the bottom floor to a mom and her 4 children.  She is single and having a tough time of things, she works in Phoenix on the weekends and drives back and forth to be here in Flagstaff during the week with her kids.  Long story short I believe that God knew what he was doing when He lead her here to look and see what we had to offer for rent.  God set the stage for us to be a good part of her life.  She and I have become friends.  She is so sweet and loving, she loves her children so much. Other than her ex-husband and a tiny handful of friends she doesn't have anyone here. Her family lives in Michigan.

My family and I were suppose to have my mom and step dad here for Thanksgiving this year and then when things changed after my dad died then we were going to go to El Paso.  That didn't happen we stayed here and shared Thanksgiving with Angelia and her kids.  I'm so happy that we did.  I'm so grateful that God really does plan out our lives with purpose that we may not recognize at the time.

Angelia & I

Two very cute little girls :)

The kids toys that I have held on to and have stored in the closet, came in very handy.  Maybe now my husband will understand why I keep them and won't get rid of them.

A sweet little family!

A great day together!

My Brother & I

My brother, Jason sent me this little picture above on my phone yesterday.  It was nice that he randomly sent me something.  My brother and I are only 19 months apart.  When we were little we had very few moments of getting along.  I tried to play cars with him but he didn't like my car noises....he said I wasn't doing them right.  He would try to play barbies with me too, but he wasn't being a good Ken doll and not treating the "girls" like he should.  Lol looking back now is funny but it wasn't at the time.  We'd get so frustrated with each other, and this just seemed to continue as we grew up.  Despite it all we always knew that when the going got tough we would always, always be there for each other.

Over the years we have drifted in and out of each other's lives.  There really isn't a single reason that I can find that is an issue between us.  There is a gap and its always been that way.  But since Daddy has died, the gap is trying to get smaller :)

In the big picture daddy is still taking care of us.....

I'm praying that my brother and I will continue to grow closer and get to know each other again.  Its hard at times but I'm sure that God has this one all figured out too :)

Just Keep Smiling

Have you ever seen the movie Nemo?  When Dori the fish says "just keep swiming, just keep swiming"  Well that is what I have been feeling like lately.  I'm gradually getting out of my funk, or depression....whatever you want to call it.  I can't seem to say depression, I like the word funk better.  Anyways its been another busy week, but decent.

Have been working out the details for Thanksgiving, since we won't be going to El Paso to spend it with my mom, plans have changed.  Angelia and I are planning dinner for her family and mine.  She has 4 kids and they live below us.  She has been going through so many things and has needed someone, and I have been able to be there for her, so thankful how the Lord sets things up :)

Angelia spent a lot of time around our house lately, its been great to hang out with her and get to know her more.

This morning I woke up early and it was quite.  Its been the first morning in a while now that I have let the quite take me away to where my thoughts have been going for a while now....to my dad.

As I looked out at the sunny, cool feeling morning I couldn't help but think about something my dad would say to me often.....
"Keep smiling so others will wonder what you are smiling about" then he'd tell me that he loved me and to hug and kiss everyone for him.

Just keep smiling.....

Coffee & Blueberry Pie

Sometimes all you need is coffee and blueberry pie!

Yesterday I was able to spend time with someone who is becoming a good friend.  Its great to be an ear to someone but also to have the favor returned.

She has been my distraction for my funk.

We spent the afternoon together, we went to Safeway to buy ingredients to make homemade Alfredo sauce.  As we walked around we saw different things that looked yummy!

We went to my house and I made some coffee and she cut the pie and then we sat down and enjoyed a little break from life.....lol

It doesn't take much to make little moments special and thoughtful.