An observation with feeling depressed...
staying busy only keeps me my body moving, doesn't stop my mind much
taking a shower helps break up the moment and feels refreshing for a few moments
helping others really is a good way to get out of the funk....
giving myself a little time to deal with how I'm feeling and not dismissing it so quickly helps to let it go
the quite moments are tough when the whirlwind subsides
choosing to let God have it and actually giving it to him..
I know the Lord is working in me and this time of my life. I know I won't stay here in this for too much longer.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Life keeps happening.....
Karlee was accepted to NAU. I know it may or may not be a big a deal but it represents a new stage in my life to work through. Its been hard enough that she is 18 and that changes things but the thought of her really growing up and going to college. I didn't go to college. I did 2 years of basics at a Community College in El Paso TX. I think it will be awesome for my kids to go if that is what they want to do.
She is applying for different scholarships and at the other colleges in Arizona, but she has continued to say that she'd like to stay close by to me. That makes my heart very happy. But if that doesn't work out I know things will still be alright and I will be happy with a little ache inside too....but that is where God will have to come in and help me with that :)
This is a Thirty One bag, yep and it has tools! My husband's tools, he is ready for the next job lol. Its funny when my husband starts wanting his own Thirty One bags and great at the same time! :)
Yesterday was Saturday (November 14th) and I didn't do much most of the day. I was in a funk and sort of depressed in all that I did do. I did work some for Jane, I did go to two craft fairs but when all was said and done I went home and laid on the coach, sleeping some and my dog, Bosco joined me too. I didn't plan on going anywhere the rest of day. I wasn't going to cool dinner. I wasn't going to do much except lay on the couch and watch some Netflix and not do any serious thinking. And that is what I did! Micah came home from the NAU game and fried up some chicken wings and watched Netflix with me.
I hate this sunken feeling I feel inside and its not all related to my dad. Its so many other things, some normal everyday things in life that all seem to be more amplified right now.
Today is a new day and tomorrow is another new day, I'm not saying things will be perfect and better and so happy but I'm saying its okay to take the time to feel and be the way I am right now as long as I don't lose myself in it all and keep holding God's hand as he leads me onto to the next new moment. There will be a day that I won't feel the things I do and if I do I won't want to hide, I will be able to stand a little more on my own feet with God just beside me instead of holding me.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Grief in the midst of Life
Grief is not easy. Its interesting all the emotions that come with it. It really does seem like a wave in an ocean on how it comes in and then leaves. Grieving a loss in the midst of what the rest of the world throws out at you can be a little rough but leaning on God is the only thing I know how to do. So when a wave crashes I grab a hold of God's hand to pull me back ashore.
When life gets rough I push it back to God....
When life gets rough I push it back to God....
Monday, November 9, 2015
Living Life In between the sad moments
Friday afternoon turned out to be a whirl wind of energy and fun! A friend of mine came over with a friend to look at some of my Thirty One stuff. So I hurried about and made a quick little display on the coffee table in living room. It was great to see Clare and Nessa! They walked in excited to shop when they saw the little display. Those two had me laughing a smiling within minutes of their arrival. I decided to make note that if i was ever really feeling down and out that those two would be the ones to call to pick my mood up fast :) They ended up ordering enough to make it a party under Clare's name and so she earned some Hostess Credit! It was a great unexpected time!
Okay this first off this is an awful picture really....but I couldn't get another one and had to get this one fast. Micah hasn't been feeling well and has been cooped up in the house and wanted to get out for a little while. He actually went with me to a craft bazaar! I know crazy right....but it was nice and we had fun and then went home and put him back to bed...
Saturday I headed over to this man's house, his name is Tom to get his shopping list. I go once a week to get his groceries for him. He pays me a small little amount to help him out. It's perfect, he gets help and I get a little pocket money. Over where he lives are these wonderful autumn looking leaves :) I love the color and the feel of golden warmth.
Sunday, was a little tough. I the day that marked that my dad, has been gone for a month now. It's crazy to think about, it seems just like yesterday. So the day started out kind of tough. But as the day went on I was pulled out into happier moments with the help of friends, and family, and lunch, and shopping.
Life happens and can still be joyous and have a sparkle of happiness in the middle of a sad time in my heart. I'm so thankful how the Lord works in our lives.
The days after
Friday, the next day after Daddy left us (I have such a hard time saying that he died, its all so final) I was numb. So numb inside and I sort of felt lifeless. I was so tired and not up to doing much of anything. I don't really remember what everyone else was up to because I took a long nap and didn't really notice much around me.
Saturday, still feeling numb but most of all dreading going out to Chaparral (to daddy's house) Once I got out there I just began to focus on looking through things around in his office area. We were on the hunt for any important papers, like the will, if there was a will, papers with passwords etc.
I was tired of looking around in his office and so I walked out into the hall way, into the living room. I stood there just for a moment in silence looking around. My eyes landed on an Amazon box. I was curious and I bent down to get it out from under the cabinet it was sitting on top of a popcorn tin (you know the kind where there would be 3 kinds of popcorn for the holidays) I picked up the box and noticed it was heavy and put it in front of me to look inside. I moved things around and took a few things off the top and then in the middle of the box were two long narrow, yellow envelopes. One said last will and testament and the other was a power of attorney/health of James S. Byers Jr. I stood in shock and really looking hard to make sure it said my dad's name and not Sr. then I grabbed them in my hands and like a little girl running out to her mommy, I hurried out and gave them to my mom saying I think I found dad's will.
My mom was shaking as she was trying to open the envelope fast and peek at what it had written inside on the papers....it was...it was his Will!
The day was emotional but it ended with thankfulness as we continued to see God's hand in all of it.
Saturday, still feeling numb but most of all dreading going out to Chaparral (to daddy's house) Once I got out there I just began to focus on looking through things around in his office area. We were on the hunt for any important papers, like the will, if there was a will, papers with passwords etc.
I was tired of looking around in his office and so I walked out into the hall way, into the living room. I stood there just for a moment in silence looking around. My eyes landed on an Amazon box. I was curious and I bent down to get it out from under the cabinet it was sitting on top of a popcorn tin (you know the kind where there would be 3 kinds of popcorn for the holidays) I picked up the box and noticed it was heavy and put it in front of me to look inside. I moved things around and took a few things off the top and then in the middle of the box were two long narrow, yellow envelopes. One said last will and testament and the other was a power of attorney/health of James S. Byers Jr. I stood in shock and really looking hard to make sure it said my dad's name and not Sr. then I grabbed them in my hands and like a little girl running out to her mommy, I hurried out and gave them to my mom saying I think I found dad's will.
My mom was shaking as she was trying to open the envelope fast and peek at what it had written inside on the papers....it was...it was his Will!
The day was emotional but it ended with thankfulness as we continued to see God's hand in all of it.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Thursday Oct 8th 2015
Micah got up and headed back home to Flagstaff.
My mom and I went to the hospital to see how Daddy was doing. When we walked in we were shocked! They had some miscommunicated to someone along the way and they had him on oxygen. We talked to the nurse on shift and asked what was going on and then she removed the oxygen. (it was hard enough and didn't want to prolong any longer...)
We stayed for a while, once again he was agitated and it was so hard for my mom to see that. We hung in there for a bit and then decided to go get some lunch before running a few errands.
We were asked to meet back at the hospital to talk with a lady from Hospice. We met up with her and they switched Daddy over to hospice. Nothing really changed other than a coding on his file.
It was late afternoon and we headed home. We were all so tired and drained, unsettle because he was still not relaxed. I struggled with going back up before it got too late. I got up from the table around 6 something and decided to go take a shower. I had gotten out of the shower and had a text message on my phone. It was from an old friend of the family. Actually more than that, their daughter and I had met on the first day of 1st grade wearing the same sun dress, and sandals and we hit it off after that, her family became my second family/home and same with mine for her.
Anyways....they messaged me telling me they were headed up to see Daddy. I hurried getting dressed and went out to my mom and said that we had to go back. By now it was a little after 7:00pm. We get there to find them standing outside of the room, that was dark and not allowed to go in. Not sure why when I had given permission for visitors. We greeted each other briefly and went into the room. We hadn't been there but a few minutes when nurse, Elsa came in and asked to talk with me.
She strongly suggested that we didn't leave because she said he will be leaving us very soon.
I go back inside feeling not so sure of what I had just been told and went straight to my dad's side and keeled down and took his hand in mine. I caressed his head and started to tell him that it was alright, that Jason was alright, mom was alright and that I was alright and that he was alright and that it was alright for him to go.
Patti-Jo nudged my mom and said "Linda look at his coloring" we all saw an instant change in his the color in his face, his breathing slowed down and was drawn in with a long pause and until finally at 8:00 p.m. he took his last breath. Patti-Jo held my mom as she crumbled and I held his hand and couldn't let it go....I couldn't...I managed to text a few people and my husband called me and then I lost it....
My mom came to my side and encircled me with her loving arms and then daddy's body jumped...over and over again, it startled us and I screamed. His defibliator was going off trying to restart his heart. (the nurse had to come in and place a magnet over the place it was in his chest to de-activate it)
He was gone...so quick.
I finally was able let go of his hand and then, Roger gathered us in a circle and said a beautiful prayer. We sat down and visited for awhile, catching up on old times of when I was in youth group and they were the leaders and so many other memories that we shared.
As we walked out of the hospital I felt a brief moment of joy...pure joy that God had used them to get me back up to the hospital. I was so happy and thankful in such a sad moment but it felt peaceful too. We hugged in the parking lot and I kept thanking them and God for coming to visit my dad.
Mom and I went back to her house and eventually we managed to go to bed.
-------------------------
7:20 am right now...
I awoke with a numb, sad feeling....
Today November 8, a month later...it can't be
My heart aches and I sit here trying not cry like a baby.....
I love you daddy
I sit here with a cup of coffee looking out the window in silence, asking God to hold me in his arms.....
My mom and I went to the hospital to see how Daddy was doing. When we walked in we were shocked! They had some miscommunicated to someone along the way and they had him on oxygen. We talked to the nurse on shift and asked what was going on and then she removed the oxygen. (it was hard enough and didn't want to prolong any longer...)
We stayed for a while, once again he was agitated and it was so hard for my mom to see that. We hung in there for a bit and then decided to go get some lunch before running a few errands.
We were asked to meet back at the hospital to talk with a lady from Hospice. We met up with her and they switched Daddy over to hospice. Nothing really changed other than a coding on his file.
It was late afternoon and we headed home. We were all so tired and drained, unsettle because he was still not relaxed. I struggled with going back up before it got too late. I got up from the table around 6 something and decided to go take a shower. I had gotten out of the shower and had a text message on my phone. It was from an old friend of the family. Actually more than that, their daughter and I had met on the first day of 1st grade wearing the same sun dress, and sandals and we hit it off after that, her family became my second family/home and same with mine for her.
Anyways....they messaged me telling me they were headed up to see Daddy. I hurried getting dressed and went out to my mom and said that we had to go back. By now it was a little after 7:00pm. We get there to find them standing outside of the room, that was dark and not allowed to go in. Not sure why when I had given permission for visitors. We greeted each other briefly and went into the room. We hadn't been there but a few minutes when nurse, Elsa came in and asked to talk with me.
She strongly suggested that we didn't leave because she said he will be leaving us very soon.
I go back inside feeling not so sure of what I had just been told and went straight to my dad's side and keeled down and took his hand in mine. I caressed his head and started to tell him that it was alright, that Jason was alright, mom was alright and that I was alright and that he was alright and that it was alright for him to go.
Patti-Jo nudged my mom and said "Linda look at his coloring" we all saw an instant change in his the color in his face, his breathing slowed down and was drawn in with a long pause and until finally at 8:00 p.m. he took his last breath. Patti-Jo held my mom as she crumbled and I held his hand and couldn't let it go....I couldn't...I managed to text a few people and my husband called me and then I lost it....
My mom came to my side and encircled me with her loving arms and then daddy's body jumped...over and over again, it startled us and I screamed. His defibliator was going off trying to restart his heart. (the nurse had to come in and place a magnet over the place it was in his chest to de-activate it)
He was gone...so quick.
I finally was able let go of his hand and then, Roger gathered us in a circle and said a beautiful prayer. We sat down and visited for awhile, catching up on old times of when I was in youth group and they were the leaders and so many other memories that we shared.
As we walked out of the hospital I felt a brief moment of joy...pure joy that God had used them to get me back up to the hospital. I was so happy and thankful in such a sad moment but it felt peaceful too. We hugged in the parking lot and I kept thanking them and God for coming to visit my dad.
Mom and I went back to her house and eventually we managed to go to bed.
-------------------------
7:20 am right now...
I awoke with a numb, sad feeling....
Today November 8, a month later...it can't be
My heart aches and I sit here trying not cry like a baby.....
I love you daddy
I sit here with a cup of coffee looking out the window in silence, asking God to hold me in his arms.....
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Wed Oct 7th 2015
Micah and I went up to the hospital to be with daddy. Upon arriving we found him looking so peaceful. They had him on his side and he was sleeping so soundly. It was so nice to see him like that. Shortly after being there we were told that they would be moving him to a room upstairs on the 4th floor.
We were happy to be out of the way in the ICU. The people were great but not much privacy and we were taking up a spot for another person that might need to be there too. The nurse told us which floor and room to meet her in.
Micah and I walked into the room and oddly enough we were happy--happy with what we saw. It had a nice view, was big and plenty of comfy seating. We sat and waited, waited and waited. We had gotten there early around 8:00 and we were waiting in the room until 1:00 when they finally brought him up.
I was not happy after they rolled him in. He was not peaceful any longer. He was agitated, moaning and groaning. It was so hard to watch and listen to the sounds that came from his throat. I was so thankful that Micah was there with me. I was getting frustrated with how restless he was. After being there for Jan and her mom I knew about the medicines and all that needs to be going on to help comfort the person. I was on top of it as soon as a nurse came in. There was no way I was leaving until I could get him more relaxed. Well being in a hospital here is always so much waiting that goes on along with doing anything in there.
A nurse came in and we spoke. Come to find out that daddy should have been given medicines every two hours and his last dose was at 6:00 am and its about 1:30 almost 2:00!
He wasn't resting still. Discussion of not enough was brought up. then had to get a doctor to give permission for more and to be given in a drip so it could be better given.
After all day he still wasn't as peaceful as he had been earlier in the morning before moving him but there wasn't much else to do. I was thankful for the nurses that came to care for him while I was there. It was so hard to leave to go back to mom's but we had been there all day and things were just what they were so we left early evening to catch up and update each other with the activities and decisions and things of the day.
Micah and I walked into the room and oddly enough we were happy--happy with what we saw. It had a nice view, was big and plenty of comfy seating. We sat and waited, waited and waited. We had gotten there early around 8:00 and we were waiting in the room until 1:00 when they finally brought him up.
A nurse came in and we spoke. Come to find out that daddy should have been given medicines every two hours and his last dose was at 6:00 am and its about 1:30 almost 2:00!
He wasn't resting still. Discussion of not enough was brought up. then had to get a doctor to give permission for more and to be given in a drip so it could be better given.
After all day he still wasn't as peaceful as he had been earlier in the morning before moving him but there wasn't much else to do. I was thankful for the nurses that came to care for him while I was there. It was so hard to leave to go back to mom's but we had been there all day and things were just what they were so we left early evening to catch up and update each other with the activities and decisions and things of the day.
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