Recently my peaceful happy balance has been shaken up. A couple of weeks ago I got a text from an old friend. It caught me off guard. She and I have a history of about 5 years, we had been close at one time but over time and different things that took place a distance developed between us more than just the physical distance of living apart. But come to find out I guess the distance and change was only felt on my end of it.
Anyway she wanted to get together, the timing was off for me with lots going on the day she texted me. We had a water leak, I took off from work and my mom and Larry passed through town for a few hours on her way to Prescott.
She wanted to know if I would have a problem with her and my 2nd ex husband talking and spending time together. I was surprised when I read the words and truthfully my first reaction was to laugh. I laughed hard and loud. My family was looking at me oddly and maybe others around us since we were sitting in a restaurant eating lunch together. I then passed my phone over to Ben and then to Sara. They had a look of surprise too. I told my mom and Larry and they couldn't understand it, an neither could I. We talked briefly but changed the subject to enjoy the rest of our time together before they left.
I replied back short and brief and said to go for it. But later as the day went on things started to tumble around in my head and I began to feel bitter and angry and hurt. She did try to suggest that we get together but I said that we will see and left it at that for a few days.
Curiosity always gets the best of us at times, and I'm no different than the next. I tried hard to not to message him but I did. It only lead me to feel hurt even more. I had a feeling that he would share the message with her, in fact I think they were together because of the timing of the response. Anyways she picked out a few words of what I had said to him and it upset her. Now she really wanted to get together.
I ended up avoiding it all by not responding and I knew she had left town. Then after taking time to think and clear my head. I felt lead by the Lord to write her a message one morning before going to work. Its been a week now and she has not responded. I don't think I will get a response, I think its over, our friendship of what was left of it is over. But how could either one of them expect me to "hang out" with them together.
Even before he and her I didn't think she and I were very close anymore and their had really no effort. Over time I always felt it was one sided, she would call and tell me all that was going on in her life and I would listen but she would never really ask me how I was or see if I needed to talk and vent and get things out. Talking to her and all she was dealing with became too much for me, bringing me down with stress. I know it sounds bad but my mental health and well being is important to me, I'm finally paying attention to my self care and feeling better too. Having Fibromyalgia is so much more than just constant chromic pain.
Our friendship was the strongest and closest when it was meant to be but then over time we both changed and situations and time went on. I'm grateful for her and I want the best for her and her children and I want them to have happiness, and peace in their lives.
Its hard to let it go and not push a response or want to make it all better. But at the same time I feel a release that has brought a lighter over all feeling of well being too. I do struggle at times because I've always wanted to make sure others were happy but I can't do that. I know in time with the Lord's help there will be a peaceful closure.
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