Tuesday, September 15, 2015

A Difficult Moment

Yesterday morning when I had gotten to Jane's, I broke down.  I just couldn't hold back any longer.  I had this heavy emotional wave wash over me and I had to release the flood that had been held back.  I broke down and cried as she stood by with her arms around me close.

Prior to going over there my ex-husband, Scott called me and asked if I could join him and his oldest, Amber in a talk and planning of what to do after he passes on.  He told me that he didn't think he has long, that he doesn't feel good, and things just are not working as they should be.  He said that he can't deal and doesn't know how and that he has to admit that he has given up.  I made the arrangements with him and took a deep breath on moved on.  I headed into Walmart and then over to Jane's.

Jane said that I have been strong for her and now it was time to let go and do what I need to do.  I decided that I would be there to help her until about 3:00 and then meet up with Scott and the kids.

I know things are catching up with, I can feel it in my body, mind and emotions.

I know I will be fine as the Lord holds my hand and offers his strength to me.

_______________

Out at Scott's, Amber, Amanda and I said at a table with their father ready to begin that hard talk that is never easy to have no matter where you are at in life, happy and healthy or sick and tired.

Scott is finally admitting to himself how sick he is and facing the reality of things if they go down fast and bad.  We really do not know everything that is wrong with him.  He has hep C, a bad liver and who knows what else.  He hasn't been well for a long time.  He continue to drinks and smoke.  He has given up.

His oldest girls got onto to him hard and want him to fight.  (I don't see the fight in him)
I sat quietly and let them talk to their father.  I nodded in agreement when I was looked at to see if I was on the same page.  I volunteered my support in whatever way they wanted it.  It broke my heart to see how much they want their dad to fight and to not give up and to see hope in feeling better or just accept and live out his life in a positive, strong way with his youngest kids.  I have seen him lose "his fight" for many years now and unless he pushes things aside and starts leaning on God again he will not have the strength to endure this journey.

Amber and Amanda got an a plane last night to head back to their lives and families they left behind while here visiting.  It was great for all 5 of them to get together.  I love it actually.  I took it all in while I was there, I could see how things could have been different had they been around more to have some influence on my three.

Thursday I will take Scott to Prescott for a colonoscopy.

Psalm 130:7-8

....put your hope in the Lord.
For there is faithful love
with the Lord,
and with Him is redemption
in abundance.
And He will redeem...

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