It is so crazy, just when you think you've got things figured out in one area of your life and that things can finally start running smoothly then another area pops up needing work on it too. I feel like I'm finally figuring out things in my marriage but now in the kid area things have hit a rough patch.
As I have mentioned before Micah is out of town during the week and home on the weekends. The amount of time with the kids shouldn't seem any different than if he were here during the week but it is. I think its because he isn't here at night, at the end of the day when we are all tired. It seems right around early evening and into bed time the kids and I seem to start hitting heads. Yesterday Kyle lost his temper and threw his binder across the room and yelled at me that he wasn't going to talk to me anymore. Then later in the evening Karlee interrupted me while I was talking to Kyle and I asked her to hang on and she ran upstairs yelling at me in frustration telling me that she was going to stop talking to me too. I didn't know how to react, so I said whatever and went upstairs and sat out on the balcony and cried a little. I was hurt and frustrated. I don't remember talking to my parents the way mine do at times. Then I went to tuck Kyle in and he says that I don't love him or care about him and Karlee cried herself to sleep. So I felt like enough damage was done so I looked at the clock, it was 9:30 and decided that I would go to bed too. I just wanted the day to end and start again on a fresh note.
My kids have expressed to me that I seem irritable and mad when I respond to them and that it doesn't matter what they say or do. I don't think that I am but maybe. I'm constantly catching them on their tone of voice. Micah has mentioned that I too have a tone in my voice at times and before he left for this week he reminded me of that and gently told me to watch how I talk to them and see how they respond. Well I guess I've blown it this week. I'm feeling really discouraged and frustrated and not sure what to do. I feel like everything I do or say is wrong with the kids. I have noticed that there are times I have been impatient with them and irritable but its only after they have kept asking or doing something or not understanding what I'm trying to say or do.
I have been tired lately, feeling pretty good but tired by the end of the day. It could be because I'm actually working out everyday and so by the end of the day I'm really tired. I don't know but all I do know is that there is a disconnection right now between the kids and I. I need God's help in my dealings with my children. So I laid in bed this morning and prayed to God for his help and guidance.
So now I will just wait. I have asked God to reveal to me the things that I need to change and do differently and begin again when the kids come home today from school. I have asked him to help me show grace in my responses with my children. I've have asked him to help me keep my mouth shut, my ears open and give me time to respond quietly when needed.
I'm happy and very thankful to God that Karlee, Kyle and Dillon went to youth group last night. I hope they continue. I'm looking forward to tonight, going to the woman's worship at church. I'm going to take the girls so that all the kids aren't left here at the house by themselves to avoid any conflict that could arise. Karlee loves to sing, maybe tonight our hearts will be touched and things will be revealed to us and we come together in our communicating with each other again.
Sometimes all we can do is pray about how to handle people. We're human and respond in our flesh most of the time. We're human. . .
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