It finally hit me

Since I have been involved at my church on Tuesday mornings ladies bible study the topics have been about trusting God and grace.  We are now continuing with the latest study "Becoming a Women of grace" by Cynthia Heald.  But after a personal story was shared this morning by another lady, a very honest and open moment, it hit me.  Her story and picture that she drew made it really hit home.

She had shared that she had said some harsh hurtful words to her husband, which wounded him.  A couple of days had gone by and she and him were together talking when it sort of "hit" her too.  She started to feel really bad, so bad that she couldn't look at her husband.  She wanted to hide since she felt so bad.  He turns to her to speak and she finally looks at him and he says "I forgive you" and hugs her very tightly.  It was then that she felt the holy spirit and it was his grace that she was forgiven and knew it.  The feeling of peace that flooded over her was so comforting.  She realized that she didn't deserve to be forgiven but was forgiven by His grace.It was by His that her husband forgave her when she felt undeserved of his forgiveness. She had drawn her husband a picture and got permission to make copies and share it with us.  She drew a man and a little girl.  The man representing God, hugging the little girl.

Well it was then that all the pieces started to fall into place for me to.  While there was a few more stories being shared mine was developing in my head.

The other day my husband and I were out and about and he decided to "help me out" by swinging me by Kohls to make a payment on my account.  He was under the impression that it would be the last payment.  I was supposed to have already paid it off several months ago but did not. I had confessed that to him a few weeks ago.  (only part of it)  I told him that I only owed $20.00 so like I said he thought he would help me out by taking me by there to make the "last" payment.

I began to get a little nervous and tell him its no big deal that I was going to go over there next Tuesday after   bible study. I tried to change the course of events but he was determined.  So we get out of the truck and start walking in the store, heading to the back of the store.  As we walked I knew I had to tell him, I couldn't hide it any longer.  I told him that this would not be the last payment, that I still owed $70.00.  My heart sank, I knew he was disappointed in me and I wasn't looking forward to the next moment when it would be just him and me.

He shook his head and questioned what happened, I told him I wasn't sure I just didn't use the money I had back then to do as I had said I would.  I was going to pay it but "my way".  So I make the payment and we head out of the store and he starts off by making a very subtle gentle comment that totally expressed how wrong I was for doing what I did.

We are in the truck now and sitting at a light and I felt heavy (I know that may sound odd but that is the best word I can find to describe the moment)  I was disappointed in myself.  The reality of my lie hit instantly and I confessed that I lied and expressed my sorrow to my husband.  I shortly asked for his forgiveness.  He said he forgave me but oddly enough it made me feel even worse.  The knowing that I lied was wrong but the knowing that I didn't deserve his forgiveness either was hard to swallow.  But once again it was by His grace that my husband found it in his heart to forgive me.

For the next couple of days I couldn't help but think about how wrong my action was and how wrong I was in trying to do it "my way".  It really bothered me.  It seemed that I wasn't ready to give it up.  I wasn't ready to forgive myself. (which may be the hardest thing to do vs. someone else forgiving you)  But after this morning at bible study it all became very clear and since then I've been able to let it go.

His grace.......................

Thank you Lord and I will take heed of the lesson I had at hand and I will try to always remember that feeling of peace and comfort regarding your holy spirit and grace.